Is DS being an arse or am I nosey?

[Stirfriedbrian]

DS is 20, still lives at home, doing fine at his apprenticeship, drives, etc.

Since he turned about 16/17 he’s become very moody and defiant. He’s often very short and rude, not a bit helpful, won’t put himself out for any of us. For instance if you need a short lift somewhere he’ll be very evasive as to whether he can do it until last minute, he seems to love the power of you not knowing until last minute.

He’s very secretive, I have little clue who his friends are, I have no idea where he goes, he may just say he’s going bowling or to play snooker if your lucky to have him in a good mood that day.

He’s been out very late in the evenings lately and he’s let slip he has a girlfriend. Fine, I’m pleased for him. I asked the usual questions about her, where she’s from etc. That day he was obviously in a good mood as he volunteered the fact he’d booked a hotel tomorrow for them to have a night away.

I’ve just got in from work and casually asked whether tomorrow was still on and what hotel he was staying in.

Cue a big huff ‘here we go again, you’ve got to know everything I do, everywhere I go etc’ I’m just interested in his life! It’s common courtesy to say roughly where you’ll be I’d think, I don’t want a full breakdown of their itinerary, just an idea of where they are staying.

I reminded him that if he’s not mature enough to be open and honest about his whereabouts then maybe he’s not mature enough to do these things.

Apparently I’m not a ‘normal’ parent for asking.

By the way he lives at home rent free whilst he’s on his apprenticeship and he’s saving.

I feel I should tell him if he feels so secretive and childish maybe he’d be better off getting his own place, he can do what he likes without any questions then 🤯

OP I bet you do his washing and make his meals.

Yep, if he cant be polite, he cant live at home. He doesnt get to behave like this in your house. It is normal to ask people you live with, or know about their lives. He is being a jerk.

Is it? I’m on a date tomorrow and if my adult daughter asked where we were going she’d be told the town (and has been) but no more than that. It’s not her business.

those of you who say you'd ask, do you feel that if they declined to share, that if they're not open and honest about their whereabouts then maybe they're not mature enough to do those things though?
It's normal chit chat to me. If I was talking to my relatives and they moved the conversation on with little detail I wouldn't think much if it. If they got stroppy then I'd think they were being brattish and rude.

If a 20 year old adult DC with an attitude problem was behaving like a rude teenager repeatedly then I'd probably think they're being a bit of an ungrateful arsehole. Grown adults don't have strops over their relatives making polite chat. OP's son doesn't sound like he has much maturity. Pointing it out to him would seem like point scoring to me so I wouldn't say it though.

He needs to be doing his fair share in the house, drop the attitude and be a little less brattish to his mum and start behaving like a 20 year old.

I think you're being nosey wanting to know which hotel. Does he think you'll show up to try and force a meeting with his girlfriend? Either way, you're getting on each others nerves and he should move out. You'll like each other more when it's in smaller doses.

I can sympathise! It really is time he spread his wings and left home.

Ive got 3 sons, all older than yours. What I've found is the more you push (asking to you pushing to them) the more they clam up. Don't ask, if he says he's going away just say OK. My most uncommunicative one reached his mid 20s and opened up, I think not asking him helped.

The lift thing is more awkward but if he won't commit arrange something else, maybe charge him a bit of keep to pay for taxis.

For instance if you need a short lift somewhere he’ll be very evasive as to whether he can do it until last minute, he seems to love the power of you not knowing until last minute.

Try being evasive as to whether he will have food or clean clothes until the last minute. The penny might drop.

Without hearing the conversation - and thus hearing the tones used etc - it's hard to properly comment, however, here's the thing: you may have meant it as general chit-chat, a normal question as part of a conversation, but at his age, it just feels like a continuation of when he was younger and those kinds of questions were from a place of parental control/responsibility (fair enough). It can be hard at his age to make the transition from "reporting to a parent" out of obligation as a child, and volunteering information in a friendly chit-chat way as an adult. You may ask the question from one perspective but he receives it from another.

At his age I would tell my folks if I was going to be home that night or if I'd be staying over somewhere... or if I was going away out of town for a few days. I might volunteer other information (such as who I was going out with) but my parents didn't push for too many details - as a result I prob told them more because it wasn't "expected". Their approach shifted it more into a place of "normal adult conversation" rather than me reporting to my parents as though I needed permission/approval.

@Cooldryplace

I hate the way these threads go. As if anyone is going to throw out their 20yo apprentice DS for being a being a bit grumpy. I can only assume your children are very young. Come back in 15 years' time.

Ain't that the truth. All of mine would have been thrown out if I'd followed that mantra. Actually if you get thrown out for being grumpy I'd have thrown DH out with them and he'd have thrown me out as we've all been known to be grumpy on occasion. I've currently got a broken ankle, DH reckons I'm being grumpy but I don't know what he's on about.

Op I have 4 adult sons who I have never questioned once they got to mid to late teens, because my Mother was always asking and questioning me even after I'd left home. Her excuse was that she was "Just interested".
Leave him alone, don't ask him anything, he doesn't need your comments/opinions/judgments.
In time he will start talking to you and telling you about his life but just stop it now, I know from my own experience how infuriating and intrusive it is.

My god if you can't even ask your own DS which hotel he's staying in, something is very off kilter.

He obviously uses you as a proverbial punch bag because he gets away with it(?)

I would have to tip the scales the other way and tell him if he wants to be so bloody difficult and awkward, to go and find somewhere else to live where he 'thinks' his rudeness will be acceptable.

• when they booked a hotel, I said I really thought I should have her parents' contact details, just in case and he gave them to me. He already had them, it does actually sound like he's being a decent boyfriend.

Why on earth did you want the parents contact details @Cooldryplace.
Thats just plain weird..

I have adult sons and i think the key here is to wait till they offer the information.
20 is a weird age,they are adults but still need a guiding hand.Its just getting the balance right.

1. He should be contributing to the household. Financially and practically (lifts,chores etc)

2.If he's always been like this why are you still trying? It makes you annoying and confirms in his mind that you are controlling/nosey/whatever plus it gives him the power. Just stop. You don't get anything out of it except arguments and resentment on both sides.

OP,
Start respecting his privacy more by leaving his laundry to be done and let him make his own meals.

Sounds like he needs a bit of reality.

Also he should be paying rent, even a small amount.

If he finds basic manners and courtesy towards his mother such a stretch, he really needs to be saving to move out.

They can't have it both ways.

You have my sympathy, you sound very kind and tolerant.

@billy1966

OP, Start respecting his privacy more by leaving his laundry to be done and let him make his own meals.

Sounds like he needs a bit of reality.

Also he should be paying rent, even a small amount.

If he finds basic manners and courtesy towards his mother such a stretch, he really needs to be saving to move out.

They can't have it both ways.

You have my sympathy, you sound very kind and tolerant.

Agreed 🌸

@billy1966

OP, Start respecting his privacy more by leaving his laundry to be done and let him make his own meals.

Sounds like he needs a bit of reality.

Also he should be paying rent, even a small amount.

If he finds basic manners and courtesy towards his mother such a stretch, he really needs to be saving to move out.

They can't have it both ways.

You have my sympathy, you sound very kind and tolerant.

Yep.

@Notmoresugar

My god if you can't even ask your own DS which hotel he's staying in, something is very off kilter.

He obviously uses you as a proverbial punch bag because he gets away with it(?)

I would have to tip the scales the other way and tell him if he wants to be so bloody difficult and awkward, to go and find somewhere else to live where he 'thinks' his rudeness will be acceptable.

Why would it matter? If he's says he's staying at the Beachcomber hotel in Somewhereonsea is it likely to mean anything to his mother or do people only go to hotels well known to their parents.

I can see both sides, to you you are taking an interest , but they see it as nosey and interfering. You cannot win really

Pretty much.

Thinking about this and my husband tried to never answered his mother's questions. I found it odd when I first knew them but he explained if he answered one question it only resulted in another one. So if his mum said, Where are you going for the weekend he said Somewhereonsea, she'd then say which hotel so he'd say The Beachcomber, she'd then say is that right on the front and he'd say yes so then it would be how big is it, he says 20 bedrooms so she'd say does your room have a seaview, yes it does. Which floor is it on, is it ensuite, is it twin or double, are you staying fullboard or is it just breakfast, which floor are you on, is their a lift..............

I witnessed it and as you can see it gets tedious so his philosophy was at some point he'd have to call a halt, might as well do it straight away.

It used to drive her mad that my sons would come in and tell me stuff, she felt it was unfair that someone like me, not interested as I didn't ask questions, was told lots when she got told nothing.

He's 20, not 15. 2 years into adulthood. Why do you need to know which hotel he is in?

A shame he can't feel he can have his girlfriend at the house really.

It's time for both of you to live in separate places. He's quite rude, I think, and doesn't appreciate staying in the family home. Time for him to get his own place and grow up a bit.

I don't know why people are saying someone on an apprentice's wage should move out just because he won't give his mum every detail of his life.

In nearly 40 and my mum does this and it drives me absolutely potty!

"What are you doing at the weekend?"
"Probably take the kids to a farm park".

Bow most people end the question there but with mum it's

"Oh which one"
"How much does it cost"
"Have you been before"
"What kind of animals do they have"
"What time will you go?"

Why the fuck do people need to know this level of detail?! If you're subject to it often it's extremely annoying

I don't know why people are saying someone on an apprentice's wage should move out just because he won't give his mum every detail of his life.

In nearly 40 and my mum does this and it drives me absolutely potty!

"What are you doing at the weekend?"
"Probably take the kids to a farm park".

Bow most people end the question there but with mum it's

"Oh which one"
"How much does it cost"
"Have you been before"
"What kind of animals do they have"
"What time will you go?"

Why the fuck do people need to know this level of detail?! If you're subject to it often it's extremely annoying

We're having this issue with DSS at the moment. He's 17 so it's a little different, but he's just finished college, turns 18 next month, and has decided that means he can do what he wants, when he wants, and that's that.

I don't care how old someone is - if you're living with other people, you let them know if you're going out, and approximately when you'll be back. It's a safety issue, no matter how old you are or who you are, and it's important that people know where you are!

We never expect written formal details from DSS, but he's taken to just getting up early and going out before we're even up, and not answering his phone or texts asking where he is or when he'll be back. He sometimes stays out overnight without telling us. It's sort of like a version of the boy who cried wolf - if ever he was hurt or missing, we wouldn't think anything of it, because he often goes missing through choice. So he could be lying dead in a hedge and we wouldn't panic.