Is DS being an arse or am I nosey?

[Stirfriedbrian]

DS is 20, still lives at home, doing fine at his apprenticeship, drives, etc.

Since he turned about 16/17 he’s become very moody and defiant. He’s often very short and rude, not a bit helpful, won’t put himself out for any of us. For instance if you need a short lift somewhere he’ll be very evasive as to whether he can do it until last minute, he seems to love the power of you not knowing until last minute.

He’s very secretive, I have little clue who his friends are, I have no idea where he goes, he may just say he’s going bowling or to play snooker if your lucky to have him in a good mood that day.

He’s been out very late in the evenings lately and he’s let slip he has a girlfriend. Fine, I’m pleased for him. I asked the usual questions about her, where she’s from etc. That day he was obviously in a good mood as he volunteered the fact he’d booked a hotel tomorrow for them to have a night away.

I’ve just got in from work and casually asked whether tomorrow was still on and what hotel he was staying in.

Cue a big huff ‘here we go again, you’ve got to know everything I do, everywhere I go etc’ I’m just interested in his life! It’s common courtesy to say roughly where you’ll be I’d think, I don’t want a full breakdown of their itinerary, just an idea of where they are staying.

I reminded him that if he’s not mature enough to be open and honest about his whereabouts then maybe he’s not mature enough to do these things.

Apparently I’m not a ‘normal’ parent for asking.

By the way he lives at home rent free whilst he’s on his apprenticeship and he’s saving.

I feel I should tell him if he feels so secretive and childish maybe he’d be better off getting his own place, he can do what he likes without any questions then 🤯

depends HOW you ask

If he can't keep a civil tongue in his head, and use basic manners, then best he goes and finds his own manor.

Tell him you're going on holiday for two weeks

When he asks where, tell him to mind his own fucking business and that no other parents have to tell their nosey kids where they're going

oh ps yes you are nosey OP

@godmum56

oh ps yes you are nosey OP

How's she nosy for asking where he's going?

When people tell you they're going away you don't ask where right? Sure

It's a normal question, even for people you're not that keen on, if someone says they are going away it's a reflex to ask where?

godmum56
two things really...if he's living with you rent free then he should be being more gracious and helpful about things like lifts....but two, he's an adult and he might be feeling a bit suffocated by not being able to have an independent life. If he was a stranger....say a paying lodger in your house....would you ask the same questions?

QueenBee52
Hopefully he'll swiftly move out then 🥳

I bet he wishes that too

She doesn't need to know ffs she's just making general chit chat. It's normal to ask such questions. She's not giving him the Spanish Inquisition ffs

Yes but he doesn't have to answer.

on the face of it this is normal conversation. However, I wonder why he was so defensive? Does OP have a history of being controlling so he deliberately tells her nothing as a defense mechanism?

@WorraLiberty

She doesn't need to know ffs she's just making general chit chat. It's normal to ask such questions. She's not giving him the Spanish Inquisition ffs

Yes but he doesn't have to answer.

No he doesn't but he doesn't also have to be rude... in fact there's no excuse for being rude and entitled at any age let alone 20

While his attitude is shit but I disagree with It’s common courtesy to say roughly where you’ll be I’d think, I don’t want a full breakdown of their itinerary, just an idea of where they are staying. at 20.
He is an adult he can have his private life

@Stirfriedbrian
I lived at home a lot older than him until I met my partner, but the point is my mum and dad made it very clear as I still lived under their roof I still went by their rules if I did not like it get a place of my own, if he like that with you on lifts or things and says could not be annoyed we'll if he asks what's for dinner guess what could not be annoyed tonite he's a young man and if he wants to be treated like one he should start acting like one.

No he doesn't but he doesn't also have to be rude...in fact there's no excuse for being rude and entitled at any age let alone 20

I agree but I think the rudeness is a separate issue.

I do wonder if you expect to know too much. This bit from the OP:

He’s very secretive, I have little clue who his friends are, I have no idea where he goes, he may just say he’s going bowling or to play snooker if your lucky to have him in a good mood that day.

Why would you know who your adult son’s friends are? Or need more information about where he’s going? You see it as him being secretive; he may see it as trying to get some privacy in a communal living situation.

I don’t think you were particularly wrong to ask about the hotel. But if you’re asking for details all the time and complaining that you don’t know about his life, it may have been the last straw for him.

I’d be interested to hear his side of this. On the face of it he sounds unreasonable but your comments about his eating as a child are … interesting.

I would find that very overbearing, nosy and stifling to be perfectly honest.

@Ghosttile

I’d be interested to hear his side of this. On the face of it he sounds unreasonable but your comments about his eating as a child are … interesting.

unlikely he's reply to you either without accusing you of invading his aherrrm privacy ... 🤣

I feel for OP because it is a minefield. And she shouldn't be met with disrespect in her own home.

But you can make general chitchat without it being about the weekend with your girlfriend. In general, people who are very open with their parents have been given privacy, independence and freedom.

He's 20 and he's making boundaries. I think it's best if those boundaries are respected.

As a rule of thumb, in my house, we all know where each other are at all times. If dd goes out, she tells me where and with who and approximately when she will be back, because we find it a courtesy. Not because we are all controlling or nosy. My sister and I do the same for each other.
As we are adding another person to the household we have explained that this is a courtesy we extend. He is not obligated to oblige, but we just like to know so we knew when / if to worry if it's been too long.

I understand why your current relationship seems unfriendly. I understand about the wanting to know so you can be happy for him. But this has probably been a long time developing.

If your response to him not giving you information is something like the I reminded him that if he’s not mature enough to be open and honest about his whereabouts then maybe he’s not mature enough to do these things. you said today on a more than very, very occasional basis, then I'm not surprised he's guarded about what he tells you. That does not indicate you want to know so you can be happy for him. It indicates you want to know so you can judge him.

May be a sit down and a candid chat, listen to him on how he feels about it and then make an effort to refrain from implied (or outright) criticism. Of course you can also go the "time to move out" route, but that won't lead to a better relationship with him, it will just remove the immediate grating of the current poor one.

Ah I'm nosey (and I own my nosiness) so it doesn't bother me when DS tells me to mind my own if he doesn't feel like sharing. He is 21 and single, so we spend a lot of time at home together. There's nobody else to talk to so generally we converse about stuff going on in our lives, but sometimes- like yours - he isn't in the mood to share. It's trial and error. I'm not even that fussed about his answers, more making conversation - there are few rules in our house so it's not a control thing, it's just a chitchat thing really. I wouldn't worry too much.

I think this is one of those situations when both are you are not in the wrong. It’s natural for you to ask, but it’s also natural for him to be private with his response. You need to respect his responses, and he needs to pay you respect as well.

’even as a small child he wanted the upper hand, he’d starve himself as he knew refusing to eat would upset me’

If he's doing an apprenticeship then he's earning - not a lot but he is earning.
He should be paying a token amount of rent.
My son insisted on paying rent as soon as he started his apprenticeship.

The rest of it though - acting as if they're working for Mi5 and everything seemingly needing to be on a need to know basis so they feel like you're interrogating them - that's pretty normal I think !!

The compromise is all on him, isn’t it OP? ‘I subsidise your savings, you live under my roof, I have a right to know some detail’.

He feels hounded and without privacy. He feels ‘leave me ALONE! I’m an ADULT!’

Look, this isn’t meant as a pile on. He should be leaving home BUT you’ve agreed to help him save. That’s really kind of you. But that doesn’t mean you have to know where he is, what he’s doing and who with. My mum was like this. I told (and tell, many many many years later) her nothing. I needed my privacy and boundaries.

You should respect his space.