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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dd's older boyfriend

210 replies

detersiv · 13/07/2021 13:41

DD finished year 11 a few months ago, and she'll be 16 in a few weeks.

On Sunday, DS told me that DD has a boyfriend and he's 20 (DS found out from one of his friends at school as her boyfriends younger brother is in his year). I spoke to DD about it and she kept denying it. Yesterday, she admitted that she does and he's her friends older brother. I have never met him, but I do know DDs friend and have met her. DD goes around hers a lot.

I really don't know what to think! I haven't said anything bad about him but I feel uncomfortable about their relationship. Am I overreating? Is there anything I can do?

OP posts:
nokidshere · 13/07/2021 14:36

Why do you feel uncomfortable?

Googlewasmyidea1 · 13/07/2021 14:37

@nokidshere

Why do you feel uncomfortable?
Because he's a man and she's a child?
Crunchymum · 13/07/2021 14:38

@nokidshere

Why do you feel uncomfortable?
Because her DD lied about it

Because 20 year old boys are generally (not always of course) sexually driven

Because he is unknown to the OP

Crunchymum · 13/07/2021 14:39

Oh and of course because the OP's DD is underage

(sorry I read it as she is already 16!)

PennyDreadful66 · 13/07/2021 14:39

Probably because a grown man is dating a child?

I'd feel uncomfortable too, I understand she's 16 in a few weeks and will be at the legal age limit but it just seems a bit odd, a 20 year old man and a 15 year old girl is a bit gross imo.

I don't think there's anything you can do really, I'm not entirely sure but I would speak to DD about waiting until she's sixteen and explaining consent to her etc

Flowerlane · 13/07/2021 14:41

It’s hard because I think I can see where you find it uncomfortable as she is technically 15 in uniform and he is 20 and you are wondering what he sees in a 15 nearly 16 year old.

The thing is in a few years he will be 24 and she will be 19/20 and you wouldn’t batter a eyelid.

I wouldn’t do anything as usually the more you try and ‘ban’ her from the relationship the more she will not tell you anything. See how it goes. Invite him over. Get to know him.

WellLarDeDar · 13/07/2021 14:46

If she was 20 and he was 24 I don't think it would be an issue. I think it's strange because they're at different stages in their lives and 16 is still a child really whereas 20 is an adult.

nokidshere · 13/07/2021 14:47

She's almost 16. If you start laying down the law now it will only cause her to clam up more in the future. Make sure she knows about safe sex, coercion etc and that she can talk to you. And hopefully the parent of the boy had the same conversations with him. Personally, I don't think 4yrs is that far apart in terms of maturity/experience.

harverina · 13/07/2021 14:48

No I don’t think you are over reacting. I would be worried. He is an adult, and is very likely to have experienced adult relationships that your daughter has not. He is more likely to be sexually active for example.

I think the best thing you can do is to keep communication with your daughter open. Keep talking to her, try to remain calm. Talk to her about your worries in an appropriate way. Does she have a good understanding of issues like consent and the law around sexual relationships? Does she understand that being in a relationship with a 20 year old man will be very different to a peer relationship?

I have to say, I met my husband when I was 15 (almost 16) and he was 18 (almost 19). So less of a gap than your daughter but similar circumstances. We worked together in a shop - he was probably quite immature for his age but was still an adult, still at university, drinking in bars etc. I was at school when we met. My older sister, who is 16 years older, came to meet him once she knew I had a boyfriend and then he was invited for dinner! My sister did wonder why a young man would want to go out with someone younger, and as a parent this is something I would also want to consider. There was some context in that we worked together and knew each other (back then you could get a job at that age!) I think my mum was quite relaxed as we spent a lot of time at my house and she got to know him. This was in 1998 and we are married with two children.

But despite my experience, I would still be concerned and cautious. And it would very much depend on the young man.

Mummasdiary2021 · 13/07/2021 14:48

@WellLarDeDar

If she was 20 and he was 24 I don't think it would be an issue. I think it's strange because they're at different stages in their lives and 16 is still a child really whereas 20 is an adult.
Well said
PercyPigandMe · 13/07/2021 14:49

@nokidshere clearly doesn't have a 15 year old daughter or wouldn't be asking such stupid questions

user615632456321125 · 13/07/2021 14:52

Nope nope nope nope nope. That's abuse. It is never, ever acceptable.

user615632456321125 · 13/07/2021 14:55

Talking about coercion to a child who's been groomed by an adult into a sexual relationship won't achieve anything.

It's completely irrelevant that a 55 year old and a 50 year old could have a healthy relationship, because we're talking about an adult man targeting a child.

There is no acceptable circumstance for an adult to target a child. It's not a relationship, it's abuse.

FindingMeno · 13/07/2021 14:57

I understand you feeling uncomfortable about this. I would too. She will understand why you are. Communicate with her, no judgement, no banning seeing him, but an honest chat.
It's hard to get over that because she's under 16 by a few weeks it is quite a different feeling to if she was over 16 by a few weeks, even though turning 16 doesn't offer additional magical maturity overnight.
FWIW I went out with a 24 year old when I was 16 and he was a complete gentleman when it came to boundaries.

Planty13 · 13/07/2021 14:58

I wonder how she would feel about her brother dating someone for years younger at this stage in his life.

YANBU to be concerned OP.

galaxyfairy · 13/07/2021 14:58

@Flowerlane

It’s hard because I think I can see where you find it uncomfortable as she is technically 15 in uniform and he is 20 and you are wondering what he sees in a 15 nearly 16 year old.

The thing is in a few years he will be 24 and she will be 19/20 and you wouldn’t batter a eyelid.

I wouldn’t do anything as usually the more you try and ‘ban’ her from the relationship the more she will not tell you anything. See how it goes. Invite him over. Get to know him.

That's because there's a huge difference between the social development of a young teenager and an adult, and two young adults.

Just because it would be ok in a few years doesn't make it ok now.

harverina · 13/07/2021 15:02

While I agree with the others saying that you are right to be concerned (as per my reply) have I missed more info? I’ve been scrolling through the posts and wonder if I have as people are talking about coercion and abuse?

girlmom21 · 13/07/2021 15:08

I don't think you're wrong to be uncomfortable but I don't think there's much you can do.

You said she's 16 in a few weeks. When did he turn 20? If he was 19 would you be upset?

It's an awkward age when we have the child/young adult crossover.

I'd talk to her about safe sex, consent etc and just show an interest in him so she feels comfortable talking to you about things.

FindingMeno · 13/07/2021 15:09

Perfectly decent young men do exist and to leap to the conclusion that he must be an abuser is outrageous imo.

MaMaD1990 · 13/07/2021 15:21

I'd be inviting him around for dinner to meet him and reinforcing that her lying makes everything seem an awful lot worse. If she wants to be trusted, she needs to start being honest. I'd definitely be keeping a very close eye on things and probably have a word with his mother (assuming he lives at home) to set reasonable boundaries you expect to be followed whilst she's over there (if I read that right - your DD is friends with his younger sister?). I'd also speak to her about consent and safe sex.

CanofCant · 13/07/2021 15:23

@FindingMeno

Perfectly decent young men do exist and to leap to the conclusion that he must be an abuser is outrageous imo.
A 20 year old who (and obviously I am filling in the blanks here as we have no idea of his background), is at uni/working has a social circle of other 20+ year olds happens to be interested in dating a 15 year old school girl doesn't strike you as odd and instead is the behaviour of a perfectly decent young man?
FindingMeno · 13/07/2021 15:26

@CanofCant my comment was more that it is not right to unequivocally brand him as an abuser.

Flowerlane · 13/07/2021 15:28

@galaxyfairy I didn’t say in my post it makes it ok just because in a few years the age difference won’t matter. I said I see why mum finds it uncomfortable now.

MrsTerryPratchett · 13/07/2021 15:30

Perfectly decent young men do exist and to leap to the conclusion that he must be an abuser is outrageous imo.

And abusive wankers do too. I'm not playing Not All Men Are Like That Roulette with a child.

There's every chance that a 20 yo man dating a 15 yo girl isn't a decent young man and IME of being a 15 yo girl, there are lots of not-decent men.

CanofCant · 13/07/2021 15:32

Well abuser might be a stretch but it's not out of the realm of reality is it? OP is understandably uncomfortable about the situation and there is a definite power balance due to, not specifically the age gap but the difference in life experience.

If my 20 year old male friend had a 15 year old girlfriend then I would (and have done so in the past) reassess my opinion of him.