Dd's older boyfriend

[detersiv]

DD finished year 11 a few months ago, and she'll be 16 in a few weeks.

On Sunday, DS told me that DD has a boyfriend and he's 20 (DS found out from one of his friends at school as her boyfriends younger brother is in his year). I spoke to DD about it and she kept denying it. Yesterday, she admitted that she does and he's her friends older brother. I have never met him, but I do know DDs friend and have met her. DD goes around hers a lot.

I really don't know what to think! I haven't said anything bad about him but I feel uncomfortable about their relationship. Am I overreating? Is there anything I can do?

I went out with a 20 year old when I was that age. My parents went mad and tried to ban me from seeing him. But that made me even more determined. So I saw him behind their back’s and they found out. So they eventually agreed that I could go out with him if he picked me up and I was home by curfew.
He was always the perfect gentleman and things didn’t go that far sex wise. Eventually it fizzled out.
I bumped into him a few years ago and he told me that my dad had taken him for a walk around the garden to talk about ‘his intentions’!
🤣

@pollypocketlover: “I don't care if other posters don't mind the fact that they were groomed at a similar age, I don't care if it was normal 20 years ago, it is not right.”

Many of the women on here who were in a similar situation years ago have reflected it wasn’t good for them. I agree society hopefully moves on and is more informed. Lots of things were “acceptable” years ago that aren’t now.

The driving her away fear is a bit nonsensical - it depends how it’s handled.

@Pumperthepumper
No it's not right that girls should have to know about this. It's far from right. In fact it's completely shit.

@WineIsMyMainVice

I went out with a 20 year old when I was that age. My parents went mad and tried to ban me from seeing him. But that made me even more determined. So I saw him behind their back’s and they found out. So they eventually agreed that I could go out with him if he picked me up and I was home by curfew. He was always the perfect gentleman and things didn’t go that far sex wise. Eventually it fizzled out. I bumped into him a few years ago and he told me that my dad had taken him for a walk around the garden to talk about ‘his intentions’! 🤣

Your parents were shit stacks. One of my DS has recently turned 16 and if s 20 year old woman was sniffing around him I wouldn't hesitate to have her fucked off the scene as necessary.

Got 2 DD rapidly approaching this age and any boyfriend that I don't like the 'vibe' of will be chased off will be removed from the scene so quickly his arse wouldn't have time to twitch, let alone some 20 year old weirdo actually chancing (the use of) his arm

I have two DD’s and I will absolutely be having conversations with them about healthy sexual relationships, consent and the law, the fact that they are more vulnerable to sexual assault than men, how to keep themselves safe.

This is not victim blaming. It is not putting the onus on women as victims to stop predatory males from taking advantage of them / assaulting them.

In the perfect world of course women shouldn’t have to consider all of this. But the sad reality is we do. And I will do everything I can to prepare my girls for growing up and being exposed to these kinds of issues.

@JustLoveYourselfALittle

When I was 16 I was seeing a 26 year old! I was 'warned' I was being stupid. But it made me more determined. We even had a flat together. He cheated, out partying because I wasn't old enough. When I was 18 he left. I remember being devastated but at the fact my parents were going to be proven right! My ds dad was 16 yrs older and my next bf was 13 years older.

My now dh is 3 years younger happiest I've ever been.

You do realise he left you because you became an adult..

Recently did training on county lines etc, ran by a tutor who hadbeen subjected to very bad abuse as a teenager. Her view was that if it is illegal, then you didnt refer to them as a boyfriend/girlfriend but as an abuser.
As a 16yr old at college i went out with an older man (20s). Didnt tell my parents. He was a complete gentleman, was never worried or concerned. HOWEVER as an adult i did begin to wonder what a 20+yr old saw in a 16yr ol and i now know it was that i was able to be coerced into sex / relationship without realising it was happening, i thought it was all with my agreement. Grooming wasnt a term used back then but thats what i see when i look back. At the time though i felt grown up and in control, i know now that i wasnt.
I wouldnt tar all men with the same brush but i would be concerned!

@safclass

Recently did training on county lines etc, ran by a tutor who hadbeen subjected to very bad abuse as a teenager. Her view was that if it is illegal, then you didnt refer to them as a boyfriend/girlfriend but as an abuser. As a 16yr old at college i went out with an older man (20s). Didnt tell my parents. He was a complete gentleman, was never worried or concerned. HOWEVER as an adult i did begin to wonder what a 20+yr old saw in a 16yr ol and i now know it was that i was able to be coerced into sex / relationship without realising it was happening, i thought it was all with my agreement. Grooming wasnt a term used back then but thats what i see when i look back. At the time though i felt grown up and in control, i know now that i wasnt. I wouldnt tar all men with the same brush but i would be concerned!

I agree with you, although I absolutely would tar all 20 year olds with 16 year old girlfriends with the same brush.

I’m not sure what you can do? I’d be uncomfortable too.

I went out with older men, but that was the days when you didn't need ID to get in pubs etc, so we properly dated. An underage (18) girl these days is a cheap shag. Looking back the men that I went out with just wanted a very young body. It isn't ok.
These were men I'd met, not who'd watched me grow up, from what age has he known her? It's rare that men of 20 fall in love for keeps. He's surrounded by more suitable options, you have to question why he's targeting a 15 year old.
It sounds as though he's happy to upset his Sister and end their friendship for this. I hope his parents intervene and I'd speak to them.

@Pumperthepumper what about 20 year olds with 15 year olds, as in the OP?

He's got a nice excuse when he wants nights out with his mates etc, because she's got to wait for two years before she can join in. There's holidays that they couldn't go on, hotels that wouldn't accept their booking etc.
That's the difference between 'our day' and now. What are the men doing with the 16 year olds that they are 'dating'?

@FindingMeno

Perfectly decent young men do exist and to leap to the conclusion that he must be an abuser is outrageous imo.

Don't be ridiculous. Perfectly decent young men don't date 15 year old children

I was thinking about how I would feel if one of my university friends told me they were dating a young girl in high school. It wouldn't sit with me very well.........

I was 16 first boyfriend 21. My now husband is 6 years older, met him at17/18. I never liked same age boys. But I was mature and was never taken advantage of. Meet him, see what he’s like. Keep the conversation open with your daughter and make sure she is in control… discussing her friends issues as well. Try to have them at your house as much as possible. My 17yo son had a 15yo girlfriend and we had very frank discussions and my eye was firmly kept on the situation- it fizzled out after 3 months. She is growing up and needs guidance to make the right choices . If you say no etc then in reality you are going to have to keep her in the house and she will learn to lie even better. Good luck op, this age is really hard going

15 and 20 would trigger alarm bells for me.

@grey12

I was thinking about how I would feel if one of my university friends told me they were dating a young girl in high school. It wouldn't sit with me very well.........

I think it does happen (or certainly used to happen) more than we like to think.

A friend of mine (second year uni so 19/20) picked up someone in a club and then when got her hoime she turned out to be 15, almost 16 and about to do her GCSE exams. It actually didnt seem that weird to us after the slight shock of finding out her age- she just joined our group and came to the union etc and if you didnt know her age you wouldnt notice any difference. Not sure how it felt for her to leave her friends behind but when she went to six form college some of them used to come along too and we all got on fine. Not sure about the long term impact of this - they finished when she went to university two years later. Still vaguely in touch with her and she seems to be fine.

I guess its only a phase shes going through - she will want someone a bit more her own age soon enough.

[quote Ponoka7]@Pumperthepumper what about 20 year olds with 15 year olds, as in the OP?

He's got a nice excuse when he wants nights out with his mates etc, because she's got to wait for two years before she can join in. There's holidays that they couldn't go on, hotels that wouldn't accept their booking etc.
That's the difference between 'our day' and now. What are the men doing with the 16 year olds that they are 'dating'?[/quote]
Yes, the man in the OP is, at best, grooming a child.

@Lollypop701

I was 16 first boyfriend 21. My now husband is 6 years older, met him at17/18. I never liked same age boys. But I was mature and was never taken advantage of. Meet him, see what he’s like. Keep the conversation open with your daughter and make sure she is in control… discussing her friends issues as well. Try to have them at your house as much as possible. My 17yo son had a 15yo girlfriend and we had very frank discussions and my eye was firmly kept on the situation- it fizzled out after 3 months. She is growing up and needs guidance to make the right choices . If you say no etc then in reality you are going to have to keep her in the house and she will learn to lie even better. Good luck op, this age is really hard going

How can you make sure your fifteen year old is in control in a relationship with a grown man? How can she, say, get back from his house if she’s uncomfortable?

@Twisky and did none of you ever talk about your experiences in high school with her? Or talk about driving lessons? Lottery tickets? Applying for uni? Sex? A-levels?

I wouldn't ban her from seeing him. When I was 15 I started dating a 26 year old. 11 years later we have a house, almost married and have a child. It's the best thing I ever did and don't regret it for a second. Not all older men are out to get quick/easy sex from a teenager, a lot of people warned me off but my parents accepted him.

@DolphinBlue1

I wouldn't ban her from seeing him. When I was 15 I started dating a 26 year old. 11 years later we have a house, almost married and have a child. It's the best thing I ever did and don't regret it for a second. Not all older men are out to get quick/easy sex from a teenager, a lot of people warned me off but my parents accepted him.

That is so grim

And what kind of 26 year old man wants to date a 15 year old. Disgusting.

I understand why you feel awkward. It is a really tricky age the late teens (and early twenties) when our kids can make adult decisions, but do not always have the experience to make them well. I would be inviting him round. Logically he is probably a reasonably nice young man and this may allay some of your fears. Logically a four year age gap at 16 is significant, but is not vast

Logically he is probably a reasonably nice young man and this may allay some of your fears

Wtf

At best he's a total loser who can't form a relationship with another adult

At worst, he's a predatory creep

@Brainwave89

I understand why you feel awkward. It is a really tricky age the late teens (and early twenties) when our kids can make adult decisions, but do not always have the experience to make them well. I would be inviting him round. Logically he is probably a reasonably nice young man and this may allay some of your fears. Logically a four year age gap at 16 is significant, but is not vast

She is 15. Your logic is flawed.