Page 2 | Dd's older boyfriend

detersiv · 2021-07-13T12:41:49+00:00

DD finished year 11 a few months ago, and she'll be 16 in a few weeks. On Sunday, DS told me that DD has a boyfriend and he's 20 (DS found out from one of his friends at school as her boyfriends younger brother is in his year). I spoke to DD about it and she kept denying it. Yesterday, she admitted that she does and he's her friends older brother. I have never met him, but I do know DDs friend and have met her. DD goes around hers a lot. I really don't know what to think! I haven't said anything bad about him but I feel uncomfortable about their relationship. Am I overreating? Is there anything I can do?

AnUnoriginalUsername · 13/07/2021 15:32

Depends what he's like. If he's a decent lad from a decent family I get what makes you uncomfortable but I'd leave it. My sister was in a similar relationship, he was a bit older, they've done 15 years now with two kids, he supported her through uni and you wouldn't even know now. It's only 4 years.

CanofCant · 13/07/2021 15:33

*Realms of possibility, not reality!

ViewFromTheRoof · 13/07/2021 15:35

Stop saying it would be fine in x number of years. We are in the now.

Adult with a child, I would question why he feels drawn to a child who up until very recently was in a uniform.

The fact she hid it from you shows she knows it is wrong. Ds1 is 18 and Ds2 is 15, Ds2 has female friends and Ds1 agrees it is weird as hell to want to go out with a school girl when you are an adult.

MaxwellsChocolate · 13/07/2021 15:35

I dated a 21 year old at (just) 16. Maturity wise we were on a level. Both were virgins. Many boys are so immature at 16-20 that I understand why girls often date older guys.

nokidshere · 13/07/2021 15:37

I'd definitely be keeping a very close eye on things and probably have a word with his mother (assuming he lives at home) to set reasonable boundaries you expect to be followed whilst she's over there (if I read that right - your DD is friends with his younger sister?). I'd also speak to her about consent and safe sex.

You can't talk to his mother, don't be ridiculous. he's an adult as plenty of people are at pains to point out.

The child is still 15, if the mother doesn't trust her daughter then it's up to her to keep her at home and stop her seeing this grown up.

All of the above sounds bonkers right? Because it is. The job of a parent is to facilitate their teens through this weird stage of their lives. As far as they are concerned they know it all and are invincible so you just need to help them navigate it. Laying down the law and getting overly involved in their decisions is not the right way to go about it. I mean, in a few weeks time she could go off and marry him if she so wanted.

Keep the lines of communication open and show an interest without being controlling.

FindingMeno · 13/07/2021 15:39

I've already said I would be uncomfortable about it.
What's the plan then if some are so convinced there's no other explanation than abuse?
Forbid her from seeing him? Hell, why not cut out the middle man and go straight to the police?

Milkandhoney888 · 13/07/2021 15:43

No no no no. She is a child and she needs protecting, he is an adult, he may be a lovely man. But she's a child and it's not age appropriate exploration. Sex between two 16 year olds is very different to sex between a mature experienced adult. It could push her into realms of sexual act's she's not comfortable with but will assume being nieve that it's expected. I too wouldn't feel comfortable and i certainly wouldn't be encouraging their relationship

MrsTerryPratchett · 13/07/2021 15:45

If he's a decent lad from a decent family I get what makes you uncomfortable but I'd leave it.

The older boy who tried to assault me at that age was a decent boy from a decent family.

It's not that there isn't any other explanation. It's that him being dodgy is a front-runner for an explanation. Sexual exploitation isn't rare you know.

Dixiechickonhols · 13/07/2021 15:49

I'd be more concerned she hadn't told you and denied when asked. Why? Did she think you would shout/ban her from seeing him.
She's very young for school year most of her peers are 16. She's 16 in a couple of weeks. It's her friends brother. Presumably you know friend/family it's not some random man.
I'd speak to her calmly remind her she's underage and not to rush into things.
If you ban her from seeing him you'll just push them together and she won't tell you anything even if she needs help.

FudgeSundae · 13/07/2021 15:51

I was 16 when I met my 21 year old then-boyfriend, now husband. We’ve been together 14 years - it worked for us. I can categorically say that if you try to stop her seeing him, she’ll just sneak around behind your back.

mancarose · 13/07/2021 15:52

I had the same sort of relationship when I was that age, my DM banned it so obviously I carried on behind her back, id say sit her down and explain why it makes you uncomfortable but say that she's growing up to be an adult so it's her decision, but to make you feel better if she could invite him round for tea? Just so you can get to know him and that may ease your mind a lot? If you start trying to control her relationships now she will start to hide them from you which is way worse xx

nokidshere · 13/07/2021 15:52

At no point has anyone mentioned them having sex. There's a whole load of conclusions being jumped to on this thread.

Just talk to her.

1forAll74 · 13/07/2021 16:03

I would think nothing of this, it seems to happen quite frequently. You will have to keep watch, and be aware of how things pan out between the two people concerned,

davidrosejumper · 13/07/2021 16:06

The thing that would concern me most is that she has kept it a secret. Does your daughter normally not share much of her personal life, or is this a first to your knowledge? Have you been able to find out how long they have been dating?

I was also wondering if your daughter has other boys interested in her. If this is the first and only time someone has shown interest in her, I would find this more concerning, than when she thinks that she has alternatives. Simply because she may in the former case be less likely to stand up for herself and get out of situations she is uncomfortable with out of fear that this is her only opportunity to be with someone.

I personally find it an uncomfortably large age difference at that age, but before you go in all guns blazing and create a Romeo and Juliet-type situation of them against the world in her eyes, perhaps see who you are dealing with first, and how their interaction is. So ask them to spend some time together at your house with your family, instead of just meeting up elsewhere. If everything is above water, they should be willing to do so.

(Also, I agree with all the suggestions for talks with her about consent, and would perhaps add talking about respectful relationships in general, so your daughter would be able to recognise red flags such as pressure, control, and manipulation. There must be some websites out there you can look at together.)

HollowTalk · 13/07/2021 16:09

Why on earth would a normal 20-year-old be interested in somebody who is still at school?

epponneee · 13/07/2021 16:15

I can understand being concerned and it is possible that it is inappropriate but I don't think that is a foregone conclusion.
It does depend on the maturity levels of the individuals involved and how long has it been going on for. if its been going on since she was 14 that is definitely inappropriate but if its only been a few weeks then may well not be. Also he shouldn't be having sex with her while she is underage but they might not be having sex so that could be irrelevant.
I think it is important to speak to your daughter and try and keep communication open. I'd be worried that she had kept it a secret. Also I would want to meet the boyfriend and judge for myself

moynomore · 13/07/2021 16:20

Perfectly decent young men do exist and to leap to the conclusion that he must be an abuser is outrageous imo.

If he's such a perfectly decent young man, he would stay far away from a 15 year old girl.

Comedycook · 13/07/2021 16:22

15 and 20 is really wrong. What kind of man at 20 is interested in a 15 year old. Grim.

beastlyslumber · 13/07/2021 16:36

@FindingMeno

Perfectly decent young men do exist and to leap to the conclusion that he must be an abuser is outrageous imo.

If he was perfectly decent he wouldn't be starting a relationship with an underage girl. It's a bit creepy, imo.

I'd ask to meet him, OP. Get him round one evening and see what you think of him. If he's a dodgy chancer, that might be enough to scare him off.

airbags · 13/07/2021 16:38

[quote PercyPigandMe]@nokidshere clearly doesn't have a 15 year old daughter or wouldn't be asking such stupid questions [/quote]
Quite!
If my 15 year old school child was dating a 20 year old man I'd be asking what he sees in a child!

This is so wrong.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 13/07/2021 16:41

At 15/16 I was sleeping with 19/20 year olds. At the time I thought it was fine, now I can see it was weird.

IDreamOfLogCabins · 13/07/2021 16:42

Would depend on daughter's maturity as well as what the boy was like, but when I was 16 it wasn't uncommon to have 20 year old boyfriends. However I grew up in a small area where everyone knew everyone else, and a lot of social activity was mixed ages. If this is your daughter's friends brother, then do you not have some idea of what he's like?

Fuckitsstillraining · 13/07/2021 16:45

30+ years ago I was in your daughters position, it didn't end well. He was a nice guy, treated me well but we did sleep together and I did regret it. He was very serious about us and when I wanted to split up he made it difficult. It took me a long time to come to terms with him being the first guy I slept with. Weirdly we met a few years ago and discussed the past and he apologised saying he was a horny 20 year old who was to shy to date girls his own age. He's become a good friend, we are both married and happy but both struggled as a result of our relationship. Just talk to your daughter, keep communicating and don't lay down the law or you'll drive her straight to him, that's what my parents did and it only made the relationship last longer than it would have naturally.

grey12 · 13/07/2021 16:48

I wouldn't be comfortable with that.....

A 5 year gap at that age is a century!!

He what? likes inexperienced girls? She may have the body (I certainly did) but she's not mature (she isn't!!!). I would warn her about this kind of uneven relationship

MaMaD1990 · 13/07/2021 16:51

@nokidshere

I'd definitely be keeping a very close eye on things and probably have a word with his mother (assuming he lives at home) to set reasonable boundaries you expect to be followed whilst she's over there (if I read that right - your DD is friends with his younger sister?). I'd also speak to her about consent and safe sex.

You can't talk to his mother, don't be ridiculous. he's an adult as plenty of people are at pains to point out.

The child is still 15, if the mother doesn't trust her daughter then it's up to her to keep her at home and stop her seeing this grown up.

All of the above sounds bonkers right? Because it is. The job of a parent is to facilitate their teens through this weird stage of their lives. As far as they are concerned they know it all and are invincible so you just need to help them navigate it. Laying down the law and getting overly involved in their decisions is not the right way to go about it. I mean, in a few weeks time she could go off and marry him if she so wanted.

Keep the lines of communication open and show an interest without being controlling.

I disagree. If my 15 year old was going over to his house, where he lived with his parents, I would be speaking to them and setting boundaries I as the parent want setting - be it them not sleeping in the same room if she stays over etc. That's not being controlling, it's sensible and protecting the hold who 'believes they're invinsible', in my opinion. You of course don't need to agree.