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Original poster

Dd's older boyfriend

210 replies

detersiv · 13/07/2021 13:41

DD finished year 11 a few months ago, and she'll be 16 in a few weeks.

On Sunday, DS told me that DD has a boyfriend and he's 20 (DS found out from one of his friends at school as her boyfriends younger brother is in his year). I spoke to DD about it and she kept denying it. Yesterday, she admitted that she does and he's her friends older brother. I have never met him, but I do know DDs friend and have met her. DD goes around hers a lot.

I really don't know what to think! I haven't said anything bad about him but I feel uncomfortable about their relationship. Am I overreating? Is there anything I can do?

OP posts:
toastantea · 15/07/2021 21:09

The op's daughter will be sixteen in a few weeks and if they are still interested in each other, it won't seem so bad.

It definitely would.

If she was eighteen and he twenty two, nobody would bat an eyelid.

But she is not 18 so your point is irrelevant. Just turned 16 is not the same as 18.

If he is a decent chap he won't be pressurising her into anything for which she is not ready

A decent chap doesn't have an interest in someone who has just turned 16.

Also, as mentioned many times in this thread, it's not always about sex.

toastantea · 15/07/2021 21:11

I think it all depends what the guy is like. He may be respectful, only the op will be able to find out, we don't know him.

Respectful 20 year olds don't go out with children.

Years ago it was quite normal for mid teen girls to date guys a few years older, nobody frowned on it.

Yes, it's a shame so many people were not protected.

Times have changed.

Good.

Pumperthepumper · 15/07/2021 21:13

@Maggiesfarm

Pumper: If she was 18 and he was 22 they’d be more similar in terms of life stages. A fifteen year old is a world away from a 20 year old. ........ Yes they are.

I think it all depends what the guy is like. He may be respectful, only the op will be able to find out, we don't know him.

Years ago it was quite normal for mid teen girls to date guys a few years older, nobody frowned on it.

Times have changed.

How many years ago was it ok for grown men to chase 15 year olds for a relationship?
Maggiesfarm · 15/07/2021 21:28

Oh I don't know about specifically chasing a young girl, that's a different thing altogether, rather predatory. However, let's say forty five or more years ago, it wasn't uncommon for young teenagers to go out with a chap a few years older, with parents agreement.

It's obviously better if they are closer in age because they have more in common.

I don't know how I would feel about it because my girls had boyfriends in their own age group when they were at school. Now both over 30 they have partners of similar age to themselves.

Just looking back I remember girls going out with older chaps and nobody thought anything of it. Some have been married over forty years and still going strong.

Pumperthepumper · 15/07/2021 21:57

@Maggiesfarm

Oh I don't know about specifically chasing a young girl, that's a different thing altogether, rather predatory. However, let's say forty five or more years ago, it wasn't uncommon for young teenagers to go out with a chap a few years older, with parents agreement.

It's obviously better if they are closer in age because they have more in common.

I don't know how I would feel about it because my girls had boyfriends in their own age group when they were at school. Now both over 30 they have partners of similar age to themselves.

Just looking back I remember girls going out with older chaps and nobody thought anything of it. Some have been married over forty years and still going strong.

I don’t think being married legitimises a relationship that began with an older man grooming a fifteen year old.
Maggiesfarm · 15/07/2021 22:50

No.

I'm going to bow out of this now, I feel a bit depressed remembering me as a fourteen and fifteen year old - and this thread is not about me.

Op, follow your gut.

Conchitastrawberry · 15/07/2021 23:03

I have a daughter a similar age and yes I’d be uncomfortable about it. I’d be the same I’d I had a 20 year old son and he had a 15 year old girlfriend. There’s no way I’d condone it to be honest and my husband would go mental.

IncorrigibleTitmouse · 15/07/2021 23:23

@detersiv

DD finished year 11 a few months ago, and she'll be 16 in a few weeks.

On Sunday, DS told me that DD has a boyfriend and he's 20 (DS found out from one of his friends at school as her boyfriends younger brother is in his year). I spoke to DD about it and she kept denying it. Yesterday, she admitted that she does and he's her friends older brother. I have never met him, but I do know DDs friend and have met her. DD goes around hers a lot.

I really don't know what to think! I haven't said anything bad about him but I feel uncomfortable about their relationship. Am I overreating? Is there anything I can do?

My boyfriend was 20 when I was 16 and had just left school too (I'm also a summer baby).

Admittedly that was 20-odd years ago but I just wasn't interested in boys my own age because they were too immature and didn't want the same things I did from a relationship. I don't think it's all that unusual. My friends' boyfriends were all 3-5 years older too.

I'd definitely tell her you'd like to get to know him better, though.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 15/07/2021 23:39

@DolphinBlue1

There is no power imbalance, there never has been, I wasn't groomed.

There is always, always a power imbalance between someone of 15 and someone of 26. Always. It's absurd to say there wasn't. You couldn't have a full time job, you couldn't earn a full time wage, you couldn't legally vote, drive, go to certain venues, even play the lottery. Many of those things you couldn't do even after a year or two of being with him.

It's one thing to say it's worked out for you (so far) but another not to acknowledge there absolutely was a power imbalance. It's worrying you can't see that especially now you're a parent.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 15/07/2021 23:43

And @DolphinBlue1 a good way to start thinking logically about what happened to you re meeting your partner is this - if you were single now (you're the age he was when you met) and met a boy of 15, would you date him? In principle, morally?

A 15 year old who wears a uniform to school and won't be able to vote, drive, drink... loads of stuff that we aren't allowed to do legally because we aren't developed and mature enough to do them responsibly or take on the burden of doing so.

Would you date a 15 year old boy now you are 26 under any circumstance? If not, why not?

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