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Original poster

Dd's older boyfriend

210 replies

detersiv · 13/07/2021 13:41

DD finished year 11 a few months ago, and she'll be 16 in a few weeks.

On Sunday, DS told me that DD has a boyfriend and he's 20 (DS found out from one of his friends at school as her boyfriends younger brother is in his year). I spoke to DD about it and she kept denying it. Yesterday, she admitted that she does and he's her friends older brother. I have never met him, but I do know DDs friend and have met her. DD goes around hers a lot.

I really don't know what to think! I haven't said anything bad about him but I feel uncomfortable about their relationship. Am I overreating? Is there anything I can do?

OP posts:
tallent · 15/07/2021 15:36

Dont worry - as others have said it will probably come to an end soon as she realises that its not a long term prospect. Dont shut her off; grit your teeth and let it go!

I had similar a few years ago with my 15 year old daughter (although I think the boyfriend was 19 at the time), DH was all primed to go and talk to him and tell him to leave her alone but I said let it be.

So we played along and invited him round for dinner etc. We didnt let him sleep in her room but he did stay over and she at his; we didnt make a fuss as we didnt want to alienate anyone.

DD then did GCSEs and went away with him in the summer following them but they split up soon afterwards when she went on to do A Levels - I think she realised that they didnt really have that much in common after the initial thrill and she would be missing out on the social life at college if she was with him in a 'maried' type relationship.

My advice is dont try and impose your views on her - let her come to the conclusion herself that its not a viable longterm prospect. Dont know what your relationship is with her friends bit it may be worth trying to have chat with one of them to find out more information (although it may be hard to get anything further!)

toastantea · 15/07/2021 15:44

I had similar a few years ago with my 15 year old daughter (although I think the boyfriend was 19 at the time), DH was all primed to go and talk to him and tell him to leave her alone but I said let it be.

So we played along and invited him round for dinner etc. We didnt let him sleep in her room but he did stay over and she at his; we didnt make a fuss as we didnt want to alienate anyone.

This is plain fucking ridiculous. You let your 15 year old child stay at her 19 year old (you think) house Sad

Parents to 15 year olds are supposed to kick up a fuss when an adult male starts preying on them. It's basic level protective.

The fact that you don't even remember for sure if he was 19 indicates his age was of no concern to you at all.

Pumperthepumper · 15/07/2021 17:06

@tallent

Dont worry - as others have said it will probably come to an end soon as she realises that its not a long term prospect. Dont shut her off; grit your teeth and let it go!

I had similar a few years ago with my 15 year old daughter (although I think the boyfriend was 19 at the time), DH was all primed to go and talk to him and tell him to leave her alone but I said let it be.

So we played along and invited him round for dinner etc. We didnt let him sleep in her room but he did stay over and she at his; we didnt make a fuss as we didnt want to alienate anyone.

DD then did GCSEs and went away with him in the summer following them but they split up soon afterwards when she went on to do A Levels - I think she realised that they didnt really have that much in common after the initial thrill and she would be missing out on the social life at college if she was with him in a 'maried' type relationship.

My advice is dont try and impose your views on her - let her come to the conclusion herself that its not a viable longterm prospect. Dont know what your relationship is with her friends bit it may be worth trying to have chat with one of them to find out more information (although it may be hard to get anything further!)

These replies can’t be real - you allowed your child to be groomed by an older man, who’s age you weren’t 100% sure on, and when it eventually fizzled out, you call that a win because you didn’t ‘alienate’ anyone?

Jesus Christ. For the second time in this thread - protect your children!

FindingMeno · 15/07/2021 17:25

I'm still not getting what the op is supposed to do?
I'm understanding all the points made, but for those who are determined it wouldn't happen if they were the Mum, what are the practical suggestions for the op?

Pumperthepumper · 15/07/2021 17:37

@FindingMeno

I'm still not getting what the op is supposed to do? I'm understanding all the points made, but for those who are determined it wouldn't happen if they were the Mum, what are the practical suggestions for the op?
Tell him to back off? Tell his parents? Phone the police?

What do you suggest?

Teaandjam · 15/07/2021 18:18

I’d be shocked if any of my male friends dated a 16 year old girl when I was 20. If they had we would have had a name for him.

Egghead68 · 15/07/2021 18:23

She’s 15.

I’d be very uncomfortable with this.

Teaandjam · 15/07/2021 18:26

I miss read the post. She is currently 15! He’s a total pervert. I’d keep him far away from my child.

Runmybathforme · 15/07/2021 18:34

@nokidshere

Why do you feel uncomfortable?
Seriously ? The differences in expectations huge at that age. Any man of 20 who is interested in a 15yr Old is deeply suspicious.
unsalted · 15/07/2021 18:56

For me, what puts it in perspective is the fact that as a teacher, if a 15 year old in my class let slip that they were dating a 20 year old, I would be reporting it to the safeguarding lead.

I'm not sure what I think of the whole 'different maturity levels' thing. Please don't assume that being mature means she's not vulnerable. When I was 18, I was very mature for my age. I dated a 'nice guy' my own age who was far more immature than me. He was still able to manipulate me and coerce me into a sexual relationship, even physically restraining me till I 'agreed' to sleep with him in the very near future, despite me saying 'no' repeatedly.

I was mature, but still afraid to say no and not able to talk to anyone about it, because everyone assumed I could handle myself and I felt embarrassed to tell them the truth.

toastantea · 15/07/2021 18:59

I'm not sure what I think of the whole 'different maturity levels' thing. Please don't assume that being mature means she's not vulnerable.

There is a limit to how mature a 15 year old can be, so people citing 'maturity levels' are way off the mark. 15 year olds have limited maturity, due to being just 15. They haven't got the life skills or experience to pisses a level of maturity you would see in a 20 year old, even an immature one.

Sadly people would rather excuse this kind of abuse rather then face it.

ScrollingLeaves · 15/07/2021 19:02

“unsalted

For me, what puts it in perspective is the fact that as a teacher, if a 15 year old in my class let slip that they were dating a 20 year old, I would be reporting it to the safeguarding lead.

I'm not sure what I think of the whole 'different maturity levels' thing. Please don't assume that being mature means she's not vulnerable. When I was 18, I was very mature for my age. I dated a 'nice guy' my own age who was far more immature than me. He was still able to manipulate me and coerce me into a sexual relationship, even physically restraining me till I 'agreed' to sleep with him in the very near future, despite me saying 'no' repeatedly.

I was mature, but still afraid to say no and not able to talk to anyone about it, because everyone assumed I could handle myself and I felt embarrassed to tell them the truth.”

I am sorry, that must feel sad and horrible for you ‘unsalted’ even now.

unsalted · 15/07/2021 19:10

@ScrollingLeaves

Thanks for your kind words. Honestly I'm in my mid thirties now in a happy relationship, but it still does affect me at times. Said ex is now married with 3 daughters, so I can only hope he's become a better person over the years. I've never ever spoken (or written) about it before, but I really felt reminded of it with some of this thread. Hopefully all the advice is of some help.

GoWalkabout · 15/07/2021 19:21

This used to be within social norms - I myself had a brilliant lasting 2 year first relationship with a 24 year old when I was just 16, he was considerate sexually, good looking, fun, teetotal, generally a great influence, our maturity matched - but society has become more aware of the risks of predators and grooming and while the biology of attraction has not changed, it is now seen as crossing a line.

toastantea · 15/07/2021 19:33

myself had a brilliant lasting 2 year first relationship with a 24 year old when I was just 16, he was considerate sexually, good looking, fun, teetotal, generally a great influence, our maturity matched -

Bollocks you maturity matched. Who told you that, him? 16 year olds don't have the ability to possess the maturity of someone in their 20s. They simple don't. It's impossible.

It's a shame you can't see this for what it is. 24 year old adult men who have an interest in 16 year olds are far from normal.

You may have had a good sex life and fun etc but at the end of the day this man was with you because you were young. Young enough to satisfy his need but old enough not to get him arrested.

Anyone that says people in their 20s dating 16 year olds is normal or even remotely acceptable is fucking deluded. Head in sand.

toastantea · 15/07/2021 19:35

It's also had, btw, a relationship when I was 17 with a man in his 20s. He was never abusive to me, I thought for many years that it was a normal and balanced relationship. One day I woke up and realised he chose me because I was young. I looked young. I satisfied his craving for young. I thought I was so grown up and he was using me because I was young. Predatory behaviour.

Pumperthepumper · 15/07/2021 19:37

@GoWalkabout

This used to be within social norms - I myself had a brilliant lasting 2 year first relationship with a 24 year old when I was just 16, he was considerate sexually, good looking, fun, teetotal, generally a great influence, our maturity matched - but society has become more aware of the risks of predators and grooming and while the biology of attraction has not changed, it is now seen as crossing a line.
No 16 year old is mature enough to be in a relationship with a 24 year old, and it’s ridiculous to pretend otherwise. It’s not even the age gap, it’s two completely different life stages - one has finished education, can drive, drink, vote, get married, get a mortgage and the other isn’t even old enough to see The Wolf of Wall Street at the cinema.
GoWalkabout · 15/07/2021 20:29

Pumper, well that was not my experience, I don't want to sidetrack but I just wanted to point out that 16 year olds have been dating people within 5 or 10 years older than them forever, because of biology and sexual attraction, and often unproblematically - but OPs daughter of course needs guidance and protection, she needs the relationship to be out in the open not secret, and she needs her parents onside with her, her feelings are important here and are not the problem. He may be problematic, he may just be a young man who has met a young woman. However, as she is under 16 he will probably be best advised not to pursue a relationship with her.

Ginpancakes · 15/07/2021 20:30

This was probably a fair description of me and my now DH more than 10 years ago. If you tell her to steer clear it’s going to have the complete opposite effect - invite him for dinner, suss him out and let DD make her own decision. It’s probably horrible as a mother I go through so I feel for you OP but is she capable of making her own choice at this age?? I’d say she is based on my own experience but only you can be the judge of that!

Maggiesfarm · 15/07/2021 20:37

The op's daughter will be sixteen in a few weeks and if they are still interested in each other, it won't seem so bad. If she was eighteen and he twenty two, nobody would bat an eyelid.

If he is a decent chap he won't be pressurising her into anything for which she is not ready.

I remember going out with older chaps at 15 and they did try to pressurise me! However I was not a particularly good judge of character at that age Smile. I knew other girls who had boyfriends a few years older who had lovely relationships and ended up marrying them.

Pumperthepumper · 15/07/2021 20:58

@GoWalkabout

Pumper, well that was not my experience, I don't want to sidetrack but I just wanted to point out that 16 year olds have been dating people within 5 or 10 years older than them forever, because of biology and sexual attraction, and often unproblematically - but OPs daughter of course needs guidance and protection, she needs the relationship to be out in the open not secret, and she needs her parents onside with her, her feelings are important here and are not the problem. He may be problematic, he may just be a young man who has met a young woman. However, as she is under 16 he will probably be best advised not to pursue a relationship with her.
‘Biology’ - it’s not biology, it’s predatory men.
Pumperthepumper · 15/07/2021 20:59

@Maggiesfarm

The op's daughter will be sixteen in a few weeks and if they are still interested in each other, it won't seem so bad. If she was eighteen and he twenty two, nobody would bat an eyelid.

If he is a decent chap he won't be pressurising her into anything for which she is not ready.

I remember going out with older chaps at 15 and they did try to pressurise me! However I was not a particularly good judge of character at that age Smile. I knew other girls who had boyfriends a few years older who had lovely relationships and ended up marrying them.

If she was 18 and he was 22 they’d be more similar in terms of life stages. A fifteen year old is a world away from a 20 year old.
toastantea · 15/07/2021 21:04

Pumper, well that was not my experience, I don't want to sidetrack but I just wanted to point out that 16 year olds have been dating people within 5 or 10 years older than them forever, because of biology and sexual attraction,

Jesus Christ. No. Just no. Biology Hmm

ScrollingLeaves · 15/07/2021 21:07

“Pumperthepumper
No 16 year old is mature enough to be in a relationship with a 24 year old, and it’s ridiculous to pretend otherwise. It’s not even the age gap, it’s two completely different life stages - one has finished education, can drive, drink, vote, get married, get a mortgage and the other isn’t even old enough to see The Wolf of Wall Street at the cinema.“

I agree with this point about life stages.
When people/girls left school at sixteen and got a job and they had been taught to be wives and mothers, it might have seemed normal to start going out with an older young man, who might well already have a job, with the view to this possibly leading to marriage after a couple of years.

I am not saying this is a good idea but it would have seemed less strange under those circumstances when a 16 year old went out with a 20year old man.

Now girls are much older at 16 in some ways, but much younger in others. There is also the pressure of the presumed right to have a full sexual relationship.

Maggiesfarm · 15/07/2021 21:09

Pumper: If she was 18 and he was 22 they’d be more similar in terms of life stages. A fifteen year old is a world away from a 20 year old.
........
Yes they are.

I think it all depends what the guy is like. He may be respectful, only the op will be able to find out, we don't know him.

Years ago it was quite normal for mid teen girls to date guys a few years older, nobody frowned on it.

Times have changed.