Dd's older boyfriend

[detersiv]

DD finished year 11 a few months ago, and she'll be 16 in a few weeks.

On Sunday, DS told me that DD has a boyfriend and he's 20 (DS found out from one of his friends at school as her boyfriends younger brother is in his year). I spoke to DD about it and she kept denying it. Yesterday, she admitted that she does and he's her friends older brother. I have never met him, but I do know DDs friend and have met her. DD goes around hers a lot.

I really don't know what to think! I haven't said anything bad about him but I feel uncomfortable about their relationship. Am I overreating? Is there anything I can do?

When I was 16 I was seeing a 26 year old! I was 'warned' I was being stupid. But it made me more determined. We even had a flat together. He cheated, out partying because I wasn't old enough. When I was 18 he left. I remember being devastated but at the fact my parents were going to be proven right!
My ds dad was 16 yrs older and my next bf was 13 years older.

My now dh is 3 years younger happiest I've ever been.

Trust me boys at age 20+ are not interested in girls in any other way except that they think they can control them, they know girls their own age won't take shit, but these younger naive girls don't know any better.
I remember being at school, 19-23 boys would do everything possible to get our attention, they would hang around outside of school, where we would have to walk past in order to get home, we were under 16, that didn't stop them. Absolutely disgusting they are. Anyone 18+ shouldn't look twice at girls in uniform

As many people have said it's a weird stage in their lives when they are between child and adulthood, and just a few months can make a difference.

My daughter has just left school but is one of the eldest in her year so nearly 17. I would be a bit more wary than average about her dating a 20yo, but I think several PPs make a valid point about alienating her if you put your foot down too hard.

A strong talk with her about honesty and trying to get to know him seem like wise options rather than coming down like a ton of bricks.

Yanbu. I was in this exact age difference relationship when I was a teen and in retrospect (though at the time I didn’t see it this way, even when it made me very unhappy in the end), it was very wrong and damaging. I got a lot of quite strange and unhealthy ideas about sex from it and it also wrecked my self esteem.. the grooming then eventual discarding. I can only speak from my experience but I’m 30s now and I often think of it and feel sad and angry. Please don’t be like my mum who ignored the whole thing and didn’t protect me.

Nice 20 year olds don’t go round courting 15 year old girls (sorry about your nigels)

There’s a reason why 20 year old girls don’t want to go out with him

He is an adult, she is still at school. The ‘oh if he was 24 and she was 20’ argument doesn’t hold up for this reason. It’s life stages.

Is this her first boyfriend?

@nokidshere

At no point has anyone mentioned them having sex. There's a whole load of conclusions being jumped to on this thread.

Just talk to her.

Don’t be deluded.

Of course they will be, if they aren’t already.

I went out with a 20 year old when I was 15. We didn’t have sex, he was an immature 20 year old and I was a mature 15 year old.

He was very much of the “no sex until marriage” persuasion but I know that his mum was worried about him being with someone so young.

My parents never actually met him because I went to boarding school, but my mum had a talk with me about sex and contraception, and her view was very much that I needed to be sure I was safe and protected.

Banning me from seeing him would never have achieved anything.

We broke up after about a year because, well, I grew up and he didn’t, so the relationship essentially just ran its course.

It used to be a lot more common for younger girls to go out with older boys. Statistically boys are less mature than girls which is why so many 15/16 year olds don’t go out with boys their own age.

You need to talk to her, have an honest conversation about A, the fact she’s under age, B, the fact she needs to use protection, i.e. condoms and the pill if need be, and C, that you will always be there to talk to, no matter wat.

Wading in with talk of abuse etc is only going to drive you further apart and potentially bring them closer together.

And she’s friends with his sister. To keep them apart you would have to ban this friendship also, and that’s not realistic.

The thing is about a 16/20 relative age gap is that it falls awkwardly in the middle of what we perceive as acceptable.

We instinctively know that 12/16 is wrong
And 13/17
As is 14/18 .

We don’t bat an eyelid once we get to 23/27, and beyond that no one gives a stuff.

But those in between years are very difficult. On the whole it strikes me that the differences in what we as a society allow young people to do in social terms, eg driving, drinking, marrying, working say to me that the relationships are too imbalanced to be a comfortable fit and that that power/ experience/expectation imbalance affects the younger person disproportionally. Of course there are exceptions, there always are, but generally four year gaps don’t do the younger person many favours.

I can see why you'd feel uncomfortable. As a young adult I wouldn't be interested in dating anyone below a certain age, especially under 16. It is weird that he's even interested.

However, many young men are very immature. This has certainly been my experience. Girls tend to be more mature by the age of about 14 or 15, whereas for boys that maturity doesn't generally come in until they're about 18 or 19. Of course there are exceptions.

It's hard to judge until you've met the lad, so rather than banning her from seeing him, ask to meet him. Invite him over for tea. Then you'll get your impression of him and his maturity level.

Keep communication open too with your DD and speak to her about the lying too. Also about staying safe and if she ever feels uncomfortable you'll be there to help her.

When my dsis was 15 she went out with a 19 year old difference was my dad knew him and approved she didnt go behind his back

i still thought she was a bit young but was quite mature

Don’t be deluded. Of course they will be, if they aren’t already.

Not all young people are having sex contrary to what you might think. OP needs to talk to her dd before jumping to conclusions and possibly alienating her.

I had boyfriends that age, and they were really respectful. I know things have changed, but still not all lads are sex driven fiends.

He's probably a bit of a loser which is why he's had to go so far down the dating tree..
Not unusual for older lads with younger girls at that age, a year or 2 is pretty normal as often they've been "out competed" by older lads for the girls their own age . 4 years isn't any kind of problem in later life but 4 years at that age- I'd have the fucker chased off with violence if necessary, he's a weirdo

If my 15 year old was going over to his house, where he lived with his parents, I would be speaking to them and setting boundaries I as the parent want setting - be it them not sleeping in the same room if she stays over etc. That's not being controlling, it's sensible and protecting the hold who 'believes they're invinsible', in my opinion

But you don't have any control over that scenario. You can only assume the parents, the boy and your dd would be doing as you say.

And what if they aren't 'sleeping over'? What if they are shagging in the park on the way home from school? Or on the sofa before said parent gets home? What are you going to do about that?

Much better to equip your dd with the skills and information she needs to be able to make choices when you aren't there to do it for her.

I’d feel as you do OP.

At this stage of her life she is a long way from being 20 herself. When she is 20she’ll be at University or working and nearer to being an adult who can take some control of her own life. She’d also be better able to judge what this man is really like.

As things are she is still just a school girl. She may start a full sexual relationship ship and all the complications that entails. She cannot have any real idea of what she is getting into. In my opinion it is a bit caddish of him to go for her.

But as others have said you have to be careful not to make everything worse while keeping clear boundaries and doing all you can to keep her safe under the circumstances.

Do not assume the friend’s mother will protect your daughter.

@NoCauseRebel

I went out with a 20 year old when I was 15. We didn’t have sex, he was an immature 20 year old and I was a mature 15 year old.

He was very much of the “no sex until marriage” persuasion but I know that his mum was worried about him being with someone so young.

My parents never actually met him because I went to boarding school, but my mum had a talk with me about sex and contraception, and her view was very much that I needed to be sure I was safe and protected.

Banning me from seeing him would never have achieved anything.

We broke up after about a year because, well, I grew up and he didn’t, so the relationship essentially just ran its course.

It used to be a lot more common for younger girls to go out with older boys. Statistically boys are less mature than girls which is why so many 15/16 year olds don’t go out with boys their own age.

You need to talk to her, have an honest conversation about A, the fact she’s under age, B, the fact she needs to use protection, i.e. condoms and the pill if need be, and C, that you will always be there to talk to, no matter wat.

Wading in with talk of abuse etc is only going to drive you further apart and potentially bring them closer together.

And she’s friends with his sister. To keep them apart you would have to ban this friendship also, and that’s not realistic.

I'm not a fan of the maturity argument. It implies it isn't intentional. I think you'll find 20 year old guys going out with 15 year old girls are targeting girls that age. It's very intentional, it's malicious, it shows a level of maturity(not in a positive way) if anything. I doubt when they were 15 they were targeting a particular age group of girls, probably have attention to any and all around them.

Me and DD normally have an honest relationship. I've never met him or his mum as only DDs friend has been here and DD has been to hers.

DS has told me that his friend (DDs boyfriends younger brother) told him that he heard his sister shouting at DD and her boyfriend as apparently she walked in on DD in his room and they were kissing.

DS has came home and told me today that his friend told him that he heard his brother and sister arguing and his sister said something like youve stolen my best friend.

And I think he's DDs 2nd boyfriend but she wasn't with her ex boyfriend for very long as they decided to just be friends.

Just for a bit of visual context, if she was going into school to sit exams she'd be still wearing school uniform. Suddenly 20 seems too old...

A 20 year old man kissing a 15 year old girl in his bedroom? I would go nuclear if it was my daughter.

Again I find myself typing on here that I wish my parents hadn't been "cool" and allowed me so much "freedom". I really needed firmer boundaries and guidance. You might be able to stop jee seeing him but you can try and have a conversation as to why you feel it's wrong (it is wrong) there is something wrong with a fully grown man being sexually attracted to a child ,which she is. There is no power balance there at all

I was 16 when I started going out with my DH he was 22. 40 years later we are still together.

www.joinonelove.org/signs-unhealthy-relationship/

This is a great resource for teens to teach them what healthy and appropriate relationship behaviors should be. Might be a good place to start with DD.

Don’t ignore your discomfort - that’s your smoke alarm - means that you need to investigate further. Sunlight is the best disinfectant.

It seems that it is upsetting her friendship with her best friend. That could be traumatic for your DD.

Do you know how long this has been going on? Weeks or months? Are they officially in a RS - or is it stuff behind closed doors.

I would feel v uncomfortable as it’s at best imbalanced (age, maturity) and at worst illegal and abusive.

Keep talking to her and ensure she knows how to protect her boundaries so that she is not groomed or manipulated.

I would invite him round for tea. Do you know much about him? His relationship history etc?

The thing is that everyone who has expressed concerns that this is abuse need to come up with what they would do about it. Realistically.

Its a hard one
When i was 16, i was seeing a 26 year old

He was immature but lovely

It depends on your daughter
Some 15/16 year olds can be taken advantage of, some maybe at the same level of maturity

Try and have a honest conversation with your daughter about it