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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dd's older boyfriend

210 replies

detersiv · 13/07/2021 13:41

DD finished year 11 a few months ago, and she'll be 16 in a few weeks.

On Sunday, DS told me that DD has a boyfriend and he's 20 (DS found out from one of his friends at school as her boyfriends younger brother is in his year). I spoke to DD about it and she kept denying it. Yesterday, she admitted that she does and he's her friends older brother. I have never met him, but I do know DDs friend and have met her. DD goes around hers a lot.

I really don't know what to think! I haven't said anything bad about him but I feel uncomfortable about their relationship. Am I overreating? Is there anything I can do?

OP posts:
SpacePug · 14/07/2021 17:16

I don't think it's too bad, I was 16 with a 20 year old boyfriend, I worked as a Christmas temp in the toy shop he worked at. We were both virgins when we met and were together 3 years. I guess it really depends on the 2 people

SpacePug · 14/07/2021 17:18

Just realised she is 15 not 16. I was 16.5 when bf was recently turned 20

Sssloou · 14/07/2021 18:50

*At best he's a total loser who can't form a relationship with another adult

At worst, he's a predatory creep*

I agree with this - and he is likely to be both - and he most certainly is a criminal as he is engaged in illegal activity and committing a crime. It’s not just socially unacceptable - it’s against the law.

CutePanda · 14/07/2021 19:23

@DolphinBlue1

I wouldn't ban her from seeing him. When I was 15 I started dating a 26 year old. 11 years later we have a house, almost married and have a child. It's the best thing I ever did and don't regret it for a second. Not all older men are out to get quick/easy sex from a teenager, a lot of people warned me off but my parents accepted him.
This is disgusting. Of course you won’t see anything wrong… you’ve never had another adult relationship to compare this to. He moulded you into his ideal woman when you were still a school child. You’re now 26. Would you fuck a 15 year old school boy? This is so so so wrong.
CutePanda · 14/07/2021 19:26

@DolphinBlue1 I was giving OP my opinion that not all men are out to abuse teenagers. I was 17 before we had sex.

But you had been dating since were 15. If 15 was the legal age of consent then he wouldn’t have thought twice about having sex with a school girl. He was attracted to a child. This is disgusting.

CaraherEIL · 14/07/2021 19:55

I remember when I was 14 and 15 there was a lot of kudos about having a older boyfriend, he would often have more money/ own car sometimes own place, if he had been in prison it was considered even more glamorous!
Being honest most of the girls I knew who got involved with adult men at that age did end up pregnant very young, not necessarily from that relationship, but the boys/ men of 19/20/21 who are not away at uni or involved in getting some kind of qualifications are not likely to encourage her staying on at school.What does this 20 year old do, I might be tempted to wade in and speak to his parents. Your daughter might hate you now, but she might thank you later.

DolphinBlue1 · 14/07/2021 20:20

@CutePanda he hasn't moulded me into anything. We have our own friends and hobbies as well as shared ones, I'm not some sad lonely women with no friends because my fiancé hasn't allowed me any because he wants to control me

yikesanotherbooboo · 14/07/2021 20:27

Clearly there is a risk of an unequal relationship . Do you think DD is competent to make decisions?
I would be alarmed . I have a very inexperienced DS aged 20 who is kind and a homebody but I don't know , even in his case, what he would have in common with a 15 year old.
I would invite him over and say to DD , maybe covertly, that you need to know him. Let him have a meal with you and watch a bit of tv. I would try, if poss, to create some sort of communication line with his DPs. Any red flags it has to stop. He may be a nice guy. Your DD might be very mature. I knew girls at school who got with men who stayed together; it isn't impossible but it has to be above board

FunMcCool · 14/07/2021 20:37

@DolphinBlue1

The fact you had to wait until you were legal to have sex should tell you everything that is wrong with the relationship. He was a 26 year old who couldn’t have sex with his girlfriend because she wasn’t legally or morally old enough to. I know you don’t think you were groomed, but it’s not normal for a 26 year old to be with a 15 year old. It’s morally wrong, he was an adult and you a child.

Pumperthepumper · 14/07/2021 21:04

[quote DolphinBlue1]@CutePanda he hasn't moulded me into anything. We have our own friends and hobbies as well as shared ones, I'm not some sad lonely women with no friends because my fiancé hasn't allowed me any because he wants to control me [/quote]
He was a 26 year old, fully grown, man who was attracted to a fifteen year old child. You can’t think that’s normal or fine. It’s not.

Sssloou · 14/07/2021 21:15

He was a 26 year old, fully grown, man who was attracted to a fifteen year old child. You can’t think that’s normal or fine. It’s not.

It’s a crime.

Sssloou · 14/07/2021 21:24

Criminal law

The law changed on 1st December 2010 when the new Sexual Offences Act 2009 came into force. Under the new Act:

From 1st December 2010:

It remains a criminal offence to be involved in any sexual act with someone who doesn’t give free agreement to it. The definition of free agreement has been set out. Someone can’t give free agreement, for example, if they’re too drunk to understand what’s going on, or if they’re under any sort of unreasonable pressure. They can withdraw their agreement at any time up to or during the sex act. The onus would be on the accused person to show they reasonably believed the other person had freely agreed to have sex.

It is a criminal offence for anyone to be involved in any sexual act (sexual intercourse, sexual touching, kissing etc) with anyone under the age of 13 whether the young person agrees or not, on the basis that anyone under 13 lacks the capacity to give valid consent to any sexual act.

It is a criminal offence for anyone who is 16 or older to have any kind of sexual contact with someone aged 13, 14 or 15.

It is also a criminal offence for both girls and boys aged 13, 14 and 15 to have consensual sex with anyone else aged 13, 14 or 15. This applies whether they are the initiating partner or the consenting partner. This criminal offence where both are aged 13, 14 or 15 applies solely to penetration of the mouth, vagina or anus with the penis and to touching of the penis vagina or anus with the mouth. People in this age group participating in other consensual sexual acts are not committing criminal offences.

It is a criminal offence for anyone in a position of trust in relation to anyone under the age of 18 to have any sexual contact with them.

ScrollingLeaves · 14/07/2021 21:32

“It is a criminal offence for anyone in a position of trust in relation to anyone under the age of 18 to have any sexual contact with them”

You would think a 20 year old man would be in a position of trust with a younger sister’s friend visiting her home. He may not have had sex with OP’s DD but he has already shown breach of trust kissing her in his bedroom.

toastantea · 14/07/2021 21:33

he hasn't moulded me into anything.

He absolutely has. He has moulded you into someone who thinks their child seeing a man/woman isn't inherently wrong. Your parents failed you and by the way you have talked on this thread you will fail your children if they ever get into a situation what're they actually need a parents to step up and protect them. He did this to you. You can should all you want about having friends and a house etc, but mentally, mentally and emotionally there has always been a huge divide. Which is only to be expected when a grown adult man starts dating a child.

girlmom21 · 15/07/2021 06:47

[quote CutePanda]**@DolphinBlue1* I was giving OP my opinion that not all men are out to abuse teenagers. I was 17 before we had sex.*

But you had been dating since were 15. If 15 was the legal age of consent then he wouldn’t have thought twice about having sex with a school girl. He was attracted to a child. This is disgusting.[/quote]
Then why did he wait the extra year until she was 17, if he was such a sex-crazed abuser? Hmm

MadameMinimes · 15/07/2021 07:36

A 20 year old man secretly cultivating a relationship with a 15 year old who visits his house regularly is creepy as hell. As a society, we are surrounded by lots of narratives and stereotypes that serve to normalise this and suggest that it is ok:
Girls are much more mature than boys of the same age.
If the relationship results in marriage and children later then it’s OK.
“Falling in love” with a child and then waiting years for sex is romantic and a sign that you are a decent guy.
Teenagers look older now than they used to and it’s hard to tell the difference between a child and an adult.

It is not OK. Not even if the girl seems really mature, or if she “looks older”, or the man is immature, or if they end up married, or wait to have sex. Adults should not be cultivating romantic relationships with children. That may be difficult for people who, as children, were groomed by an adult who they now view as a loving spouse but there really is no room for compromise here. It’s not one of those live and let live situations. Adults who start romantic relationships with children are creeps and criminals and it really is that simple.

Pumperthepumper · 15/07/2021 08:12

Then why did he wait the extra year until she was 17, if he was such a sex-crazed abuser? hmm

Because he was grooming her - ‘I’m not a pervert, I won’t touch you until you’re 17’ - of course, by then he was 28. Abuse doesn’t have to involve sex.

toastantea · 15/07/2021 08:41

@Pumperthepumper

Then why did he wait the extra year until she was 17, if he was such a sex-crazed abuser? hmm

Because he was grooming her - ‘I’m not a pervert, I won’t touch you until you’re 17’ - of course, by then he was 28. Abuse doesn’t have to involve sex.

This. I'm surprised so many people can't see any issue with a 26 year old man targeting a 15 year old. It's just wrong. On every single level.

Sssloou · 15/07/2021 08:50

Then why did he wait the extra year until she was 17, if he was such a sex-crazed abuser? hmm @girlmom21

This is the law:

“It is a criminal offence for anyone who is 16 or older to have any kind of sexual contact with someone aged 13, 14 or 15.”

It’s a crime.

He is a criminal - a sexually abusive predator.

It doesn’t have to be PIV intercourse.

Babyiskickingmyribs · 15/07/2021 09:16

This might help you talk to your dd about your potential concerns OP. It’s a US based Health and Sexuality information website for teens. This article is a little old now but very relevant
I think. www.scarleteen.com/article/abuse_assault/why_i_deeply_dislike_your_older_boyfriend

pretpolly · 15/07/2021 10:11

I dont think we should get hung up on the technicaltities of the law.

Do you think we would be so concerned if we were living in another country where the age of consent is lower? If we were in Germany or Italy the age of consent is 14 - would this make such a relationship OK?

To me the problem is the different stages of life they are in and the potential for the 15 year old to have her childhood stolen by being thrust into adult situations - my feeling if the relationship goes on for a few years is that she may look back and feel that she has been robbed of her childhood by being thrist forward into the world of 20 year olds and so cant discover her own identity and find her 'tribe'.

On a practical level I dont know what can be done, as others say it could go underground if it was banned. I imagine it will fizzle out when she moves on to the next stage of life at college/A Levels etc

toastantea · 15/07/2021 10:28

I dont think we should get hung up on the technicaltities of the law.

You never just said that?

Ah, you did. You said it. And you meant to.

How utterly fucking depressing.

ScrollingLeaves · 15/07/2021 14:33

“Babyiskickingmyribs
This might help you talk to your dd about your potential concerns OP. It’s a US based Health and Sexuality information website for teens. This article is a little old now but very relevant
I think. www.scarleteen.com/article/abuse_assault/why_i_deeply_dislike_your_older_boyfriend“

I have just read that Babyiskicking and it is very interesting.

Have you read it OP? It has a few paragraphs about what might be making your DD vulnerable to this loser brother. It has an American slant in some points of reference but really rings true in so many ways.

SinisterBumFacedCat · 15/07/2021 14:37

Op, at 20 would you have had much in common with a 15 year old boy?

ScrollingLeaves · 15/07/2021 14:38

“Pretpolly
f we were in Germany or Italy the age of consent is 14 - would this make such a relationship OK?”

It’s not ok in those countries either even if it’s legal.

They are just still influenced by backwards male-ruled laws.
It was a ly a few years ago in Germany that rape was called rape if the girl did not fight.