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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dd's older boyfriend

210 replies

detersiv · 13/07/2021 13:41

DD finished year 11 a few months ago, and she'll be 16 in a few weeks.

On Sunday, DS told me that DD has a boyfriend and he's 20 (DS found out from one of his friends at school as her boyfriends younger brother is in his year). I spoke to DD about it and she kept denying it. Yesterday, she admitted that she does and he's her friends older brother. I have never met him, but I do know DDs friend and have met her. DD goes around hers a lot.

I really don't know what to think! I haven't said anything bad about him but I feel uncomfortable about their relationship. Am I overreating? Is there anything I can do?

OP posts:
toastantea · 14/07/2021 11:32

@DolphinBlue1

I wouldn't ban her from seeing him. When I was 15 I started dating a 26 year old. 11 years later we have a house, almost married and have a child. It's the best thing I ever did and don't regret it for a second. Not all older men are out to get quick/easy sex from a teenager, a lot of people warned me off but my parents accepted him.

And even now as a grown adult you haven't got the skills to recognise that there is something far far wrong with a 26 year old man who is interested in 15 year old children. He has got you so groomed you are in fact, proud to still be together years later. I know you won't be able to see it but the power dynamic in your relationship is very badly flawed. He chose you because he could manipulate you and he has done a great job of it. Your parents should have protected you - how awfully saddening.

amusedbush · 14/07/2021 11:33

Two weeks after my 17th birthday, I started going out with the brother of a friend, who was 22 at the time. I'd fancied him for ages and I couldn't believe my luck that he liked me back.

We were together until just after my 20th birthday, when he dumped me for a girl who had been two years below me at school.

He popped up on my social media recently and I can see that he is now 36 and dating a 19yo.

The moral of the story is there's always a reason they can't find a woman their own age. It just took me a long time to realise my ex is a serial creep.

Pumperthepumper · 14/07/2021 11:41

@Brainwave89

I understand why you feel awkward. It is a really tricky age the late teens (and early twenties) when our kids can make adult decisions, but do not always have the experience to make them well. I would be inviting him round. Logically he is probably a reasonably nice young man and this may allay some of your fears. Logically a four year age gap at 16 is significant, but is not vast
How is 15 ‘late teens’? She’s only been a teenager for two years!
Sssloou · 14/07/2021 11:45

@DolphinBlue1

I wouldn't ban her from seeing him. When I was 15 I started dating a 26 year old. 11 years later we have a house, almost married and have a child. It's the best thing I ever did and don't regret it for a second. Not all older men are out to get quick/easy sex from a teenager, a lot of people warned me off but my parents accepted him.
Who owns the house?

What does almost married mean?

How old is your child?

You and your child could well be v financially vulnerable right now.

DolphinBlue1 · 14/07/2021 11:52

@Sssloou I own the house, we were due to get married last year but covid happened so postponed and our child is 2.

We earn the same amount of money, all our money goes into one bank, I have extra savings put away. There is no power imbalance, there never has been, I wasn't groomed.

I was giving OP my opinion that not all men are out to abuse teenagers. I was 17 before we had sex.

Comedycook · 14/07/2021 11:54

[quote DolphinBlue1]@Sssloou I own the house, we were due to get married last year but covid happened so postponed and our child is 2.

We earn the same amount of money, all our money goes into one bank, I have extra savings put away. There is no power imbalance, there never has been, I wasn't groomed.

I was giving OP my opinion that not all men are out to abuse teenagers. I was 17 before we had sex. [/quote]
No normal man at 26 would even consider dating a 15 year old. It's so wrong. I'm appalled

toastantea · 14/07/2021 12:01

[quote DolphinBlue1]@Sssloou I own the house, we were due to get married last year but covid happened so postponed and our child is 2.

We earn the same amount of money, all our money goes into one bank, I have extra savings put away. There is no power imbalance, there never has been, I wasn't groomed.

I was giving OP my opinion that not all men are out to abuse teenagers. I was 17 before we had sex. [/quote]

Abuse isn't always about sex.

Sssloou · 14/07/2021 12:16

@DolphinBlue1 - I am glad to see that you are not at risk financially.

I wonder if you can imagine in 13 years time your own child sexually involved with someone your own age now?

Or could you yourself imagine being attracted to a 15 year old school boy and nurturing / driving that relationship?

Is are those both things you can contemplate and tolerate?

TheLovelinessOfDemons · 14/07/2021 12:20

Just thinking my uncle met my aunt when he was 18 and she was 15.....

Pumperthepumper · 14/07/2021 12:30

I actually think it’s extra creepy that he was a 28 year old hanging around to shag a 17 year old that he’d been ‘dating’ for two years. That is a very odd relationship.

DolphinBlue1 · 14/07/2021 12:44

@Pumperthepumper

I actually think it’s extra creepy that he was a 28 year old hanging around to shag a 17 year old that he’d been ‘dating’ for two years. That is a very odd relationship.
He clearly wasn't just hanging around for sex was he? Otherwise surely when I was 16 and we didn't have sex he would have gone? Surely once we did have sex if that's all he was after he would have gone?

Maybe he 'hung around' because we wanted to be together?

toastantea · 14/07/2021 12:58

Maybe he 'hung around' because we wanted to be together?

He hung around because he was able to manipulate you easily. He has done such a job you are defending the relationship. 15 and 26? Come on, that's not ok. One of you is vulnerable and it isn't him. The problem is he has groomed you so well you are unable to recognise it.

Pumperthepumper · 14/07/2021 12:58

@DolphinBlue1 well he clearly was, if he waited two years until you were old enough. What did you do in those two years? What does ‘dating’ look like when one of you is nearly thirty and the other isn’t old enough to drive/drink/see an 18 film or vote?

Comedycook · 14/07/2021 13:08

I remember being 26 and my social circle at that age... trying to imagine the reaction if any of the men I knew had told us they had a 15 year old girlfriend. We'd all have been horrified and distanced ourselves massively. I would not want myself or my family to associate with a man like that.

DolphinBlue1 · 14/07/2021 13:14

[quote Pumperthepumper]@DolphinBlue1 well he clearly was, if he waited two years until you were old enough. What did you do in those two years? What does ‘dating’ look like when one of you is nearly thirty and the other isn’t old enough to drive/drink/see an 18 film or vote?[/quote]
We saw each other every weekend as there was a bit of distance between us. We alternated who was travelling as we had to take two trains. We went out for meals, went to the cinema, went bowling, stayed at home, saw friends, saw family - very similar to what dating at any age looks like.

I'm not saying I would be ok with my child/ren seeing a man/women 9 years older at that age but I'm also not saying I would ban it either, I would use my own experience to talk to them.

CaraherEIL · 14/07/2021 13:18

I would ask her to invite him round. I think trying to stop her seeing him will send it underground, I would suggest that he comes round to your house quite often, it will give you a chance to get to know him and he will see her at home.
You won’t effectively be able to stop her seeing him but you can involve him in your life and try and keep an open dialogue with her.
I am sure you have covered this already with your daughter but make sure you talk about contraception and also are advise against sending or taking nude photos with her phone.
The difficulty with a 20 year old is it may all get a lot more adult more quickly, but if you meet him you will be able to judge the situation a lot more accurately.

Comedycook · 14/07/2021 13:19

I'm not saying I would be ok with my child/ren seeing a man/women 9 years older at that age but I'm also not saying I would ban it either

You sound utterly deluded. I suggest you get some help to work on your judgment and boundaries

toastantea · 14/07/2021 13:21

I'm not saying I would be ok with my child/ren seeing a man/women 9 years older at that age but I'm also not saying I would ban it either, I would use my own experience to talk to them.

And you think you haven't been groomed Sad

Remaker · 14/07/2021 13:26

I had two friends at school who started dating 20 year olds when we were 15. I remember how horrified my mum was about it.

One family banned the relationship and she snuck around and lied and ended up married and pregnant by 20, didn’t pursue her education and he turned into the abusive idiot we all knew he was and now they’re divorced.

The other family decided to embrace the relationship and welcome him into the family and she ended up marrying him, didn’t pursue her education (such a shame she was brilliant) and he turned into the abusive idiot we all knew he was and now they’re divorced.

So neither approach achieved the best outcome and both guys revealed themselves to be complete creeps. No surprise for most of us sadly.

Yes I’d be worried and I don’t subscribe to the parenting philosophy that says you just let teens do whatever they want because they’ll only do it behind your back anyway. I have a 15 yr old daughter, we have a good relationship and she knows I want the best for her. And that is not being in a relation with a grown man.

toastantea · 14/07/2021 13:27

I'm actually stunned you are suggesting 'child/children' seeing 'man/woman' isn't inherently wrong. It really does just highlight the level of grooming and manipulation you have been subjected to. I feel so desperately sad for you.

parsnipsnotsprouts · 14/07/2021 13:27

No it’s not ok. Frankly I’d be finding out his address and telling him if he doesn’t back off and keep his dirty mitts off your child you will be getting police involved.

Pumperthepumper · 14/07/2021 13:29

I'm not saying I would be ok with my child/ren seeing a man/women 9 years older at that age but I'm also not saying I would ban it either, I would use my own experience to talk to them.

Jesus Christ. This is so warped - protect your children!

You - aged fifteen - went out for dinner with a 26 year old who could vote, drive, play the lottery, had finished his education, was entitled to minimum wage, could get a mortgage, and who was comfortable enough to legitimise his relationship with a fifteen year old because he was waiting to shag her to avoid a jail sentence.

That’s not a relationship.

CloudPop · 14/07/2021 13:46

[quote toastantea]@FindingMeno

Perfectly decent young men do exist and to leap to the conclusion that he must be an abuser is outrageous imo.

Don't be ridiculous. Perfectly decent young men don't date 15 year old children Hmm[/quote]
And it's perfectly reasonable for her mother to feel uncomfortable!

Brainwave89 · 14/07/2021 14:00

@MrsTerryPratchett

Perfectly decent young men do exist and to leap to the conclusion that he must be an abuser is outrageous imo.

And abusive wankers do too. I'm not playing Not All Men Are Like That Roulette with a child.

There's every chance that a 20 yo man dating a 15 yo girl isn't a decent young man and IME of being a 15 yo girl, there are lots of not-decent men.

As I said I would be concerned. That being said at this age lots of my friends had older boyfriends with this sort of age gap. Some of them are now happily married. I would enquire more before I jumped to a conclusion.
CaraherEIL · 14/07/2021 14:05

If she is 16 in a few weeks then it is going to be difficult to stop her, do you know his family? I think most mums would want to put a stop to it and as a PP said it can end up being a very negative thing for the girls education because they are at different stages in their lives. Only you can judge how successful you would be at stopping them seeing each other. Has she planned her 6th form college, is she planning to leave school and work? Her investment in her own future plans might be a strong indicator how how involved she might become in this relationship.