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Original poster

Dd's older boyfriend

210 replies

detersiv · 13/07/2021 13:41

DD finished year 11 a few months ago, and she'll be 16 in a few weeks.

On Sunday, DS told me that DD has a boyfriend and he's 20 (DS found out from one of his friends at school as her boyfriends younger brother is in his year). I spoke to DD about it and she kept denying it. Yesterday, she admitted that she does and he's her friends older brother. I have never met him, but I do know DDs friend and have met her. DD goes around hers a lot.

I really don't know what to think! I haven't said anything bad about him but I feel uncomfortable about their relationship. Am I overreating? Is there anything I can do?

OP posts:
MerryDecembermas · 13/07/2021 18:19

It's not beyond the pale for OP to go into the house next time she drops DD off at the friend's house, and meet the mum and boyfriend ?

At least then OP can get a feel for how malicious or manipulative the 20 yo is likely to be, and how permissive or responsible the mum is. OP can then risk assess and decide what action to take

Comedycook · 13/07/2021 18:21

@user1471442488

A 20 year old man kissing a 15 year old girl in his bedroom? I would go nuclear if it was my daughter.
Same ...and if I had a twenty year old son who brought home a 15 year old girl, I'd go nuclear on him. I cannot believe some posters are defending this
MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 13/07/2021 18:21

Because 20 year old boys are generally (not always of course) sexually driven

Absolutely none of ds's 20 year old mates would even think about dating a 16 year old, wouldn't even be on their radar as a potential date,they'd be horrified.

Pumperthepumper · 13/07/2021 18:23

Girls are only ever more mature than boys when a predatory man is involved. What does a mature 15 year old look like? She can’t even play the lottery FFS. Some of you need to look at your expectations of what young girls should put up with from creepy men.

BrownEyedGirl80 · 13/07/2021 18:33

In the mid 90s my friend was in at relationship at 15 with a 31 year old friend of the family.Her parents accepted it because they were scared they'd lose her if they stopped it.She was with him 4 years.

FindingMeno · 13/07/2021 18:35

A mature 15 year old looks like someone who could potentially have consensual sex within days or weeks, and I think some people are so horrified at the prospect that they fail to equip them for that.
Like it or not, most teenagers will have sex, some under age.
Don't forget a 16 year old can manipulate a 15 year old into having sex before they're ready.

Either be the mum who is going to go off on one before a proper discussion, or be the mum your daughter wants to talk to.

Pumperthepumper · 13/07/2021 18:45

@FindingMeno

A mature 15 year old looks like someone who could potentially have consensual sex within days or weeks, and I think some people are so horrified at the prospect that they fail to equip them for that. Like it or not, most teenagers will have sex, some under age. Don't forget a 16 year old can manipulate a 15 year old into having sex before they're ready. Either be the mum who is going to go off on one before a proper discussion, or be the mum your daughter wants to talk to.
A mature 15 year old is someone who would have consensual sex with a fully grown man? How are you defining ‘consensual’ here?
FindingMeno · 13/07/2021 18:48

I wasn't talking about a full grown man. I was talking in general.
I was also talking about when they reach the age of consent, not when they're 15.
But twist it as you see fit Hmm

Pumperthepumper · 13/07/2021 18:54

@FindingMeno

I wasn't talking about a full grown man. I was talking in general. I was also talking about when they reach the age of consent, not when they're 15. But twist it as you see fit Hmm
There is absolutely no way any fifteen year old is ‘mature’ enough for a relationship with a 20 year old man. It’s grooming, and predatory.
Pumperthepumper · 13/07/2021 18:55

@FindingMeno

I wasn't talking about a full grown man. I was talking in general. I was also talking about when they reach the age of consent, not when they're 15. But twist it as you see fit Hmm
And you very clearly were talking about 15 year olds, read your quote:

A mature 15 year old looks like someone who could potentially have consensual sex within days or weeks

Absolutely nothing about the age of consent.

pollypocketlover · 13/07/2021 18:59

This is predatory and it is heartbreaking that so many people here are defending this man. He is dating a teenage child because he wants a girl who is naive, easy to control and easy to take advantage of. Would any woman here seriously have dated a 15 year old boy when they were 20?

I'm so sorry OP, this is a horrible situation and there isn't really anything you can do about it, due to societal attitudes like the ones displayed here that teenage girls aren't worthy of protection from predatory men. I don't care if other posters don't mind the fact that they were groomed at a similar age, I don't care if it was normal 20 years ago, it is not right.

MaMaD1990 · 13/07/2021 19:00

@nokidshere

If my 15 year old was going over to his house, where he lived with his parents, I would be speaking to them and setting boundaries I as the parent want setting - be it them not sleeping in the same room if she stays over etc. That's not being controlling, it's sensible and protecting the hold who 'believes they're invinsible', in my opinion

But you don't have any control over that scenario. You can only assume the parents, the boy and your dd would be doing as you say.

And what if they aren't 'sleeping over'? What if they are shagging in the park on the way home from school? Or on the sofa before said parent gets home? What are you going to do about that?

Much better to equip your dd with the skills and information she needs to be able to make choices when you aren't there to do it for her.

Hence my comment about consent and safe sex Wink it's not about controlling every tiny detail but setting boundaries - after all she's 15 and there could be legal implications if nothing else. As I said before, you don't have to agree with me, no matter how much you argue your case, I won't agree with you - and that's alright.
gorginabambina · 13/07/2021 19:11

There is only one type of 20 year old man that's interested in a 15 year old child, there is something very appealing to them about a fresh new 15 year old.

She might feel like she is a grown woman but she really isn't. And im sure when she has kids she too will think 'WTF". Dont be complicit in this, she might tuen around to you day and say 'Why the hell did you let that happen?'

OP id be asking if they have had sex and if they had I would absolutely report him to the police if they have. You are there to safe guard your dd not be the 'cool' mum.

This IS predatory and to be honest I wonder who is actually behind the keyboard of the posters who dont think there is anything up with this. And if it IS women then I worry for their kids safety.

CutePanda · 13/07/2021 19:14

Ewww very creepy that a 20yo is sexually attracted to a schoolgirl. The fact that he’s waiting a few weeks until she turns 16 does not make him a decent man! If the legal age was younger than 16 then he wouldn’t wait. Alarm bells should ring that he can’t get a woman of his own age (notice the woman, not girl) to date him.

gorginabambina · 13/07/2021 19:16

It sounds like he has groomed her to be honest whilst she has been going round there.

What has your dd father had to say?

ScrollingLeaves · 13/07/2021 19:16

The mother has already made it possible, one way or another, for DD to be alone with her son in his bedroom. So she isn’t going to be all right there.

As he doesn’t know that he should be leaving a 15-16 year old school girl alone, there is nothing great about him to put it politely. There is something wrong with him in some way.

Have her friend over to your house. Be busy on the weekends. Make your own family time special and happy no matter what. Have her dad do a huge amount with her and take a big interest in her life.

Probably don’t say anything overt against him.

Make sure she understand how to have boundaries, including how to be wary of what breaks those down like alcohol, emotional blackmail, making her want more by touching her in certain ways. Make sure she fully understands birth control and to use condoms and another method together.

Tell her you would not be happy with her staying over with him or him with you at this stage in her life.

What is this 20 year old doing in his life?

gorginabambina · 13/07/2021 19:16

@CutePanda

Ewww very creepy that a 20yo is sexually attracted to a schoolgirl. The fact that he’s waiting a few weeks until she turns 16 does not make him a decent man! If the legal age was younger than 16 then he wouldn’t wait. Alarm bells should ring that he can’t get a woman of his own age (notice the woman, not girl) to date him.
This
FindingMeno · 13/07/2021 19:17

@Pumperthepumper a 15 year old who is days or weeks from being 16 is potentially days or weeks from consensual sex.
As I said before, I was not referring in the previous particular comment to the 20 year old man.

gorginabambina · 13/07/2021 19:23

[quote FindingMeno]@Pumperthepumper a 15 year old who is days or weeks from being 16 is potentially days or weeks from consensual sex.
As I said before, I was not referring in the previous particular comment to the 20 year old man.[/quote]
Finding your thinking is warped. Just because she may be legal in a few weeks doesn't make it ok for a 20 year old creep to be trying to bed her and getting her in his fucking bedroom for snogging sessions when she is supposed to be in the safety of her friends house.

I came across loads of fucking creeps like this when I was younger, the dd needs to be protected despite her being 'legal' in a few weeks.

50 or 20 its still the fucking same.

Annasgirl · 13/07/2021 19:24

My DD is a year older and neither she nor her friends would date a boy who is more than 1 year older - they only socialise with boys in their age group from schools nearby - as in, no one dates someone in Uni until they get to Uni.

I would be extremely uncomfortable - and before everyone starts shouting "well it did me no harm' etc etc - we (I mean society not us as mums) really should have started to show our DD's boundaries around relationships - after all the MeToo campaigns (or was that just window dressing?) and teach young girls that they do not have to go out with older boys - they have the rest of their lives to date older men, they should not do it at 15. And while we are at it, teach men that girls are not there for their sexual pleasure.

Pumperthepumper · 13/07/2021 19:40

[quote FindingMeno]@Pumperthepumper a 15 year old who is days or weeks from being 16 is potentially days or weeks from consensual sex.
As I said before, I was not referring in the previous particular comment to the 20 year old man.[/quote]
Why not? Surely if she’s mature enough for sex she’s mature enough to have it with anyone at all? Isn’t that the whole ‘oh girls mature faster than boys’ argument?

FindingMeno · 13/07/2021 19:50

FFS where have I said its ok for a 20 year old to have sex with a 15 year old, or groom a 15 year old?
As usual, some people on here are so keen to make a point that they put words in others mouths.
Leave aside the 20 year old man part. I was trying to get across that we should be teaching girls issues relating to consent, predatory men and grooming so they are equipped.
Leaving this until they turn 16 isn't enough.
If a nearly 16 year old is seeing a 20 year old and doesn't know about this, if she thinks you're going to throw your hands in the air and ban her from seeing him, she may never tell you and you may never get that conversation.
I would definitely be uncomfortable with the situation. As I have already said for those at the back.

Pumperthepumper · 13/07/2021 20:00

@FindingMeno

FFS where have I said its ok for a 20 year old to have sex with a 15 year old, or groom a 15 year old? As usual, some people on here are so keen to make a point that they put words in others mouths. Leave aside the 20 year old man part. I was trying to get across that we should be teaching girls issues relating to consent, predatory men and grooming so they are equipped. Leaving this until they turn 16 isn't enough. If a nearly 16 year old is seeing a 20 year old and doesn't know about this, if she thinks you're going to throw your hands in the air and ban her from seeing him, she may never tell you and you may never get that conversation. I would definitely be uncomfortable with the situation. As I have already said for those at the back.
So your opinion is to teach girls to avoid being victims, rather than teaching men not to take advantage?
FindingMeno · 13/07/2021 20:07

@Pumperthepumper what makes you reach that conclusion? Confused
Ridiculous. It goes without saying that men should be taught not to take advantage.
Since men who do take advantage are out there, do you think we shouldn't teach girls that?

Pumperthepumper · 13/07/2021 20:13

[quote FindingMeno]@Pumperthepumper what makes you reach that conclusion? Confused
Ridiculous. It goes without saying that men should be taught not to take advantage.
Since men who do take advantage are out there, do you think we shouldn't teach girls that?[/quote]
I think we shouldn’t put the pressure on 15 year old girls to be mature enough for predatory men.