Boyfriend told me to leave stuff at his, but take home dirty washing?!

[takeithome]

I've been seeing a new man since March. We met online. Things have progressed quite quickly in the few months I have known him, we have met one another's friends/family and I see him almost everyday. I've been spending 4-5 nights a week at his house. Around a month ago he suggested that I leave some over night things at his (clean clothes, pyjamas, underwear, tooth brush, hair brush etc.) That was because I was bringing a bag back and forth every time I stayed and he also said it would be nice if I could spontaneously stay at his without the need for a bag every time. I agreed a couple of weeks ago and he cleared out a chest of drawers for my stuff which I thought was lovely!

He began putting my things in the wash basket, (for example he'd scoop up our dirty washing off the floor in the morning after bed), so I followed his lead and stopped taking the dirty things home... after all, the whole point of leaving stuff was so I didn't have to bring things back and forth all the time... He's now text me this morning saying he feels a bit 'weird' about washing my things so early on, and would I mind taking my dirty washing home and then bringing it back to his clean. AIBU to think this is a bit strange, whenever boyfriends have left stuff at mine before I've never had a problem washing it. I'm not gross or anything like that either. I don't really feel comfortable leaving stuff at his anymore to be honest and feel like I might as well go back to just bringing a bag every time?

@Babymamamama

This is a sign. Things have progressed too fast. Step back, do more stuff with your friends/in your own home and stop staying over there so much.

This. 4 or 5 nights a week at his place when you only met in March sounds suffocating to me, regardless of where you keep your knickers.

@PyongyangKipperbang

I'm trying to decide whether you sound more like Harold Bishop, Sheldon Cooper or Arnold Rimmer.

I think more like someone who has never had passionate sex that requires the "where did we get undressed?!" conversation the next morning :o

I have had to do a full house sweep to find my underwear at my BF's before now!

You are so wrong 😂 I normally greet my male visitors naked ! 😂😂

Leave toiletries etc and shoes etc at his but take your dirty washing home!

I’m so surprised at the responses here. I think he’s being a dick and will probs start pulling away from you. If you are sleeping together how weird is it to wash clothes? He’s the strange one op.

@FunMcCool

I’m so surprised at the responses here. I think he’s being a dick and will probs start pulling away from you. If you are sleeping together how weird is it to wash clothes? He’s the strange one op.

I have been married for fifteen years and I don’t wash DH clothes. I have never had any previous boyfriend stay over and then assume he can leave his used underwear in my house and expect me to wash it for his next visit!

@Aprilx you don’t wash your husbands clothes? And your husband doesn’t wash yours!? We both just put our clothes in the basket and wash our clothes together. I don’t know any married couples who do separate washing! It’s working together as a team surely?

People keep saying I've assumed I can leave my dirty washing for him, as though I am taking advantage of him. I am not a CF at all. I pay for my fair share of dates. I buy things for us to eat and drink. I get us takeaways. I buy him little treats all the time, alcohol, sweets, gifts.

He put my dirty washing in his basket several times. He emptied an entire chest of drawers for me to use, even though I was more than happy to keep everything in a bag at the bottom of the wardrobe. He told me that the clothes I was bringing were for his house. He asked me to give him a list so he could buy things for me to have at his house. After all of this, he's now saying washing my clothes is weird... It's counter productive, if I am taking my own dirty clothes home every time I might as well just bring a bag every time. Makes zero difference practically.

I would have no issue washing a boyfriend's clothes if I'd invited them to leave things and emptied drawers for them specifically. In fact, I'd think it weird if they were taking their dirty clothes home multiple times a week and would offer to wash them myself or offer them to use the machine and leave it at mine.

The logic behind leaving stuff at his was so you could spontaneous nights there. I did the same with my ex with regards to toiletries but not clothes. I can always re-wear what I had on the day before and borrow socks and undies.

I think it’s about the gesture and perceived meaning rather than the practicality - which wasn’t though through.

Suggesting you leave clothes and clearing a drawer says, “I like you! I like you staying! I want to make you feel welcome!”

Doing your laundry (the natural but not considered consequence) is far too domestic and “too soon”.

He just didn’t think that through.

I know when I bought my then new boyfriend a dressing gown and PJs as a surprise at mine, I didn’t stop to think about laundry! It was all about the gesture.

I’m more curious about why you always stay with him - do you have flatmates, or is he closer to your work? Forgive my cynicism but I’ve seen SO many examples of the woman having to fit into the man’s life 🤔

I can’t work out what he’s washing though… if it’s a couple of things once a week -I’d have a big query over him finding that “weird”. Like - grow up.

If it’s 4-5 days worth of clothes, most weeks - yeah, I’d feel like I’d become your housekeeper!

I have flatmates, that's why I stay at his disproportionately. I always try and compensate for this in other ways.

You don’t really need to compensate for it! He’s already getting the benefit of being the one who doesn’t have to travel, to think through where their stuff is, who gets to feel most at home.

It’s not like you’re taking the piss paying no rent with parents whilst sending his metered water bill through the roof 😉

Relax!

It isn't 4-5 days worth of clothes. The way it has been working is I will stay over, then the next day get dressed with the clothes I've got there. Then those clothes will get bought back to mine and I'll wash them at mine and bring them back when I've run out of things. So the things being left in the washing basket are typically a couple of pairs of pants, pyjamas, tops and maybe a pair of jeans or leggings.

I don’t think either of you are in the wrong, he didn’t think through the plan and I think did the right thing in saying he didn’t want to do your washing, it’s better than resenting doing it.
For you OP I think it’s tricky as staying five nights is a lot not to have a proper arrangement. The leaving stuff and then not leaving it as you have to take it home to be wash sounds tiresome.
I do agree with the poster who asked if you are still seeing friends and family and making your own plans as it’s still early days with this guy.

@SwimBaby I am still still seeing friends and family regularly, so is he. The reason I stay over so much is often after I've seen my friends / he's been out with his, I will go to his late and we will sleep together.

That’s good to here.

It’s a very new relationship.

Sounds like he feels out upon having to wash your dirty clothes every visit! Unless you also use the washing machine or wash his clothes at your place when he stays over?

[quote FunMcCool]@Aprilx you don’t wash your husbands clothes? And your husband doesn’t wash yours!? We both just put our clothes in the basket and wash our clothes together. I don’t know any married couples who do separate washing! It’s working together as a team surely?[/quote]
Well, here's one. Married twenty years.

I never buy any clothes that require anything other than the same wash. I separate colours, whites and darks. But I feel life's too short for washing instructions. It's also too short for pairing socks (all black, so no marrying necessary). *Also ironing.

The Beloved does have things that need specific washes. If I go anywhere the laundry basket, she says, "Don't put anything of mine in, you useless ass." Which I think is fine.

This, in our house, is perfect teamwork - because it works.

*Actually, I do have a lot of those M&S ones with the coloured toe and heel, but it doesn't bother me if they don't match. Or rather, it bothers me a lot when they match, because if I died in a car accident, it would look like I was the sort of person who went out of their way to make sure their socks matched.

**The Beloved is with me on this one. Most things that need ironing will look fine if you hang them up in a doorway when they are just slightly damp. Except jeans. But what kind of freak irons jeans?

[quote FunMcCool]@Aprilx you don’t wash your husbands clothes? And your husband doesn’t wash yours!? We both just put our clothes in the basket and wash our clothes together. I don’t know any married couples who do separate washing! It’s working together as a team surely?[/quote]
I haven’t ever washed my husband’s clothes for him. We have separate washing baskets, his in our bedroom and mine in the box room that I use as a dressing room. I have on occasion transferred his washing from the washer to the drier or brought a basket of clean washing upstairs for him but that is the extent of my involvement with his laundry. He’s a big boy and I have better things to do.

If he thinks its too soon to be doing your washing, then it's also too soon to be spending 5 nights a week at his, with him asking you to leave your stuff there. He needs to pick which it is.

I'm with you OP. No idea why what you did was CF at all, and I also wouldn't mind washing the couple of items if I had proposed the idea of leaving a few things there. I don't see the harm, and think he is weird for now saying this tbh. I would be quite hurt, and not want to leave anything there anymore either. People are strange, and teeny things made out to be weird. It's of course his perogative to back track a little, but I don't think YABU in feeling he is being weird about it!