Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Boyfriend told me to leave stuff at his, but take home dirty washing?!

171 replies

takeithome · 05/07/2021 13:25

I've been seeing a new man since March. We met online. Things have progressed quite quickly in the few months I have known him, we have met one another's friends/family and I see him almost everyday. I've been spending 4-5 nights a week at his house. Around a month ago he suggested that I leave some over night things at his (clean clothes, pyjamas, underwear, tooth brush, hair brush etc.) That was because I was bringing a bag back and forth every time I stayed and he also said it would be nice if I could spontaneously stay at his without the need for a bag every time. I agreed a couple of weeks ago and he cleared out a chest of drawers for my stuff which I thought was lovely!

He began putting my things in the wash basket, (for example he'd scoop up our dirty washing off the floor in the morning after bed), so I followed his lead and stopped taking the dirty things home... after all, the whole point of leaving stuff was so I didn't have to bring things back and forth all the time... He's now text me this morning saying he feels a bit 'weird' about washing my things so early on, and would I mind taking my dirty washing home and then bringing it back to his clean. AIBU to think this is a bit strange, whenever boyfriends have left stuff at mine before I've never had a problem washing it. I'm not gross or anything like that either. I don't really feel comfortable leaving stuff at his anymore to be honest and feel like I might as well go back to just bringing a bag every time?

OP posts:
Nocutenamesleft · 05/07/2021 14:32

He’s seen you at your most vulnerable. He’s having sex with you. He’s seen parts of your body you’re unable to see!

Yet he doesn’t want to wash your clothes

I kinda get it. Maybe he’s just thinking it’s more work

However. I don’t get it

SengaMac · 05/07/2021 14:32

I guess he just automatically gathered up whatever was on the floor, as usual, and the situation developed.
But now he thinks it's a bit soon to be sharing laundry so, fair enough.

Nocutenamesleft · 05/07/2021 14:35

@CassandrasCastle

What was the £80 aftershave? (Genuinely, weirdly, interested!)
Savage or whatever it’s called is also £80 for some bottles. Tom Ford aftershave doesn’t surprise me.

I collect perfumes. I’m weird like that!

Seasidemumma77 · 05/07/2021 14:35

Apologies if this has been answered already.

OP do you help with loading and unloading washing on the nights you are there? I'd not have issue in doing DP washing when he's here, but if it was regular I would expect to not be left to do it all myself.

SengaMac · 05/07/2021 14:38

Leave some things there, so you can stay spontaneously if you want, but keep taking a bag of stuff when you have arranged to stay.

I'd automatically deal with my own laundry, and replacing the spare stuff, in that situation.
I wouldn't be into sharing laundry at all, if not living together.

BillMasen · 05/07/2021 14:39

Woman washes mans washing
He’s unreasonable, don’t do it, he’s lazy

Man washes woman’s washing
He’s unreasonable if he doesn’t want to

Ffs mumsnet, really

HaveringWavering · 05/07/2021 14:41

@Daphnise

It was the dirty clothes being on the floor that I would object to.....

You both sound as slovenly as each other!

If they were stopping to fold their clothes neatly before sex this early in the relationship then they would really have something to worry about!
Chikapu · 05/07/2021 14:42

I absolutely would not expect him to do my laundry nor would I expect to do his.

Zilla1 · 05/07/2021 14:44

@BillMasen perhaps it's more the asymmetry that MN's analytical skills have identified. Man drops washing into basket and woman washes it. Implication might be he didn't ask, nor object when it came back washed. When the OP does then same after he does this first, he is weirded out. Now you've explained this, perhaps you're right. MN is clearly misandrist.

PurpleWaterBlue · 05/07/2021 14:44

Tell him to stop putting your clothes in his washing hamper because you don't particularly feel like sifting through all his grotty worn clothes looking for the few bits that belong to you, especially
if he happens to be the sort of bloke who only washes once a fortnight or changes a lot.

Men's dirty laundry can often be a game of skidmark Russian roulette. I wouldn't want to plunge my hands in there looking for a little pair of pants with a man who's habits I don't know too well.

Ask him if you can keep a small pop up hamper there so you can take it home when needed.

If that panics him as well, he might be trying to pull back a bit because of the whole "too.much, too soon" thing.

Funny how these scared fellows never seem to think plenty of on tap shagging is "too much, too soon" but washing is, whoa there, terrifyi

Paddling654 · 05/07/2021 14:47

It's a bit push pull and all on his terms, isn't it.

Lollypop701 · 05/07/2021 14:48

Honestly, I’d Chuck the washing in with mine. Id go back to a bag, because it’s easier and just leave toiletries at his.

Paddling654 · 05/07/2021 14:50

Did he put your washing in his basket because it was lying on the floor? You said he scooped it up. Did he do that because it had been left lying around? If so, I wouldn't take where he put it as indication that future washing is also to go there as it's more about getting rid of it.

KB921 · 05/07/2021 14:50

I'm with your boyfriend. At the earlier stages of our relationship when me and dp would stay at each other's we'd have bits and bobs at each other's to stay - toothbrushes, deodorant etc. But our laundry was still done separately. Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't have minded washing a few bits for him nor would he if it was needed but we both had our own places with our own washing machines and I really didn't feel it necessary.. I may have needed it washed for the next couple days in my own place as did he with work clothes etc.

I would have been mortified if he just left dirty washing just assuming I'd wash it in the early stages as would he! How would you feel if the tables were turned and he left dirt laundry at yours?

Saying that, we have been together a decade now, living together for 7 years and I pretty much do all the laundry now though 😂

Original poster
takeithome · 05/07/2021 14:51

I have never expected him to do my washing!! I put off leaving things at his as I thought it was too much, too soon. He was very insistent that I left things, even going as far as telling me to give him a list so he could buy things for me to leave there!! I never took him up on this as I thought it was CF territory, and a bit much.

I would never have left things there had he not insisted. I was quite happy to keep bringing a bag. I never would have left dirty things there, had he not started putting it into his washing basket. Him putting my things in his washing basket was what indicated to me that it was fine. I also think if you are asking someone to leave a bag of clothes, underwear and toiletries, then asking them to take it home to wash and bring back, it's a bit weird to be honest. What's the point? I might as well just keep bringing a bag each time. If I offered for him to leave a bag at mine, I wouldn't expect him to also be taking his things home and washing them to then bring it back again.

I think it's just miscommunication.

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 05/07/2021 14:52

It sounds as though you're spending a lot of money compared to him, OP. Is that the case?

I'd just leave a bag in the car, tbh.

Palavah · 05/07/2021 14:53

@milinhas

I also think this is a generosity / expectations point - if he (or you) generously offers to wash some dirty clothes by sweeping them up with his / pay for a nice dinner every now and again then that’s a nice thing he’s done for you. If you then expect he always washes your clothes / pays for everything then you are being cheeky.
This
Blondeshavemorefun · 05/07/2021 14:54

Does he ever stay at yours

Why are you at his 4/5 nights

Palavah · 05/07/2021 14:56

So he's telling you he's happy for you to leave toiletries - I don't think that's at all uncommon - but he doesn't want to be doing your laundry on the reg. If he's not been snarky or snide about communicating this boundary, what's the problem?

HaveringWavering · 05/07/2021 14:56

I think he sounds nice. He has realised that it's too early in the relationship to be doing your washing even though he initially thought it would be OK. He's told you up front and in clear terms and apologised for backtracking. A bit odd he'd text instead of just saying so the next time you see each other but otherwise no big deal. You can still keep toiletries/hair stuff and a few bits of clean underwear there for when you stay unplanned. I imagine that was what he had in mind when he said about leaving clothes, that you would keep your own clean supply stocked up as and when - a bit like I do with my son's spare clothes at nursery!

TheDinosaurMum · 05/07/2021 14:58

I'd never leave my dirty knickers period or not in a partners home for them to wash regardless of we had been dating for months. Unless you live together washing your clothes is your responsibility.

I'd be genuinely mortified if a partner left their undergarments for me to wash like some skivvy lol 🤣

Original poster
takeithome · 05/07/2021 15:00

@HaveringWavering I think that is what he meant. I probably shouldn't have assumed when he put things in the wash basket, and should have asked at the time. With exes when they've left their things (especially if I've given them a drawer, he's given me a whole set!) I have always washed and dried and put the things back. I've never invited an ex-boyfriend to leave a drawer full of things with the expectation he will wash and replace it each time he stays. But he is lovely, It's just a miscommunication. No harm done.

OP posts:
HaveringWavering · 05/07/2021 15:00

Would you not generally have some sort of bag with you anyway ? If you are not having to bring toiletries, hairbrush etc then underwear/clean T shirt can go in your handbag fairly easily I'd have thought.

Flamingmango · 05/07/2021 15:01

Another thing to think about might be that he might be worried about ruining your clothes? Like if you are leaving any whites or like non cotton things. I would worry about that a lot early in a relationship (maybe because I've ruined someones fave top before :( )

Original poster
takeithome · 05/07/2021 15:01

@HaveringWavering I always have a little handbag so I couldn't fit piles of clothes in there. I'll bring a bigger one from now on.

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread