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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Boyfriend told me to leave stuff at his, but take home dirty washing?!

171 replies

takeithome · 05/07/2021 13:25

I've been seeing a new man since March. We met online. Things have progressed quite quickly in the few months I have known him, we have met one another's friends/family and I see him almost everyday. I've been spending 4-5 nights a week at his house. Around a month ago he suggested that I leave some over night things at his (clean clothes, pyjamas, underwear, tooth brush, hair brush etc.) That was because I was bringing a bag back and forth every time I stayed and he also said it would be nice if I could spontaneously stay at his without the need for a bag every time. I agreed a couple of weeks ago and he cleared out a chest of drawers for my stuff which I thought was lovely!

He began putting my things in the wash basket, (for example he'd scoop up our dirty washing off the floor in the morning after bed), so I followed his lead and stopped taking the dirty things home... after all, the whole point of leaving stuff was so I didn't have to bring things back and forth all the time... He's now text me this morning saying he feels a bit 'weird' about washing my things so early on, and would I mind taking my dirty washing home and then bringing it back to his clean. AIBU to think this is a bit strange, whenever boyfriends have left stuff at mine before I've never had a problem washing it. I'm not gross or anything like that either. I don't really feel comfortable leaving stuff at his anymore to be honest and feel like I might as well go back to just bringing a bag every time?

OP posts:
Standrewsschool · 05/07/2021 16:18

@starfishmummy

If he was leaving his stuff at yours for you to wash you'd have everyone telling you that he was a CF.
That’s I was thinking.
ikeepseeingit · 05/07/2021 16:18

If it's 4-5 days a week you need to be putting the wash on and sorting it at least once in that time, not leaving it all up to him. I think that's the point he's actually trying to get across. It's romantic and spontaneous until you start doing your partner's washing every week for months on end! Ask him if he would feel better that you did your washing at his, you can wash and put it in the dryer or hang up and then he's not doing it all for you.

SwimBaby · 05/07/2021 16:21

Do you want to leave stuff there?

GrettaGreen · 05/07/2021 16:25

Like you say it's just a miscommunication. I would assume he meant for you to leave a spare outfit so if you decided to go somewhere you could hop into those instead of going home first. You're probably just not as scruffy as me and him who would just go home in the same clothes the next day 😁

Bluntness100 · 05/07/2021 16:28

God what a reaction, becayse he won’t wash your dirty kecks you’re going to take it all back?

I’d not want to do a new mans wasning either, you clearly did expect him to, and you didn’t leave a bag, you practically moved in.

Just do your own dirty washing, 😂

CaraherEIL · 05/07/2021 16:46

I think there is a big difference between leaving a few things there for convenience and moving onto the domestic stuff as if you are living together. I think he’s meaning maybe shampoo, spare toothbrush etc not shared washing just yet.
i wouldn’t be offended I think at least he has been straightforward enough to tell you rather than just acting really weird and waiting for you to guess!
i also like abit more of the romance of the early part of a relationship you have got years of dirty pants and toe nail picking to look forward too.

LockedAndLoaded1 · 05/07/2021 16:51

Did it not occur to you the 4 or 5 nights you’re there to put a load of washing on and make sure you hang it up and fold it away, too? I’m tired of doing my own, let alone anyone else’s.

I would feel guilty if I had someone washing my clothes so often. I would take it home or offer to do it myself.

Sometimes I’ve made agreed deals with partners, for example I’ll wash and put away both our clothes when we’re together, if you please do the dishes… then both have been happy with the arrangement feeling relieved of a task a partner finds easier.

Perhaps you could negotiate in a fun away together and come to an arrangement in which everyone feels comfortable.

CaraherEIL · 05/07/2021 17:03

It’s that PITA inconveniençe where you are spending as much time there as if you are living there but none of the practical convenience. I would have a larger size handbag, take home bagged dirty clothes and when I go back take back a few things that I might wear over the next few days to restock the drawer.
Leave clean underwear, and a couple of normal items in your drawer there so you have a spare outfit. I think the drawer is abit more representative of showing you that he is committed rather than a truly practical thing for you.

Coronawireless · 05/07/2021 17:07

I’ve been married for 12 years and DH has never washed my kecks. I’d hate him to!!!
Plus even normal clothes...he hates sorting out darks, delicates etc so I do it all. Though he’d be perfectly happy to do his own.

Coronawireless · 05/07/2021 17:08

I love the word “kecks”

Original poster
takeithome · 05/07/2021 17:10

I only bought a couple of bits, he told me to bring some bits to leave there and even asked for a list of things he could buy for me to leave there. I turned up with the bag and he'd already emptied a chest of drawers for me, I would've happily kept it all in the bag. Which is why it now seems a bit odd and a back step that he wants me to start taking things home. Which is fair enough, I was just confused as he'd put my stuff in his wash basket, so assumed the stuff I bought for his house was going to be kept there, as that's the impression he gave me.

OP posts:
PrincessNutella · 05/07/2021 17:17

I think your boyfriend is actually doing something very healthy and good. Women ask men to communicate and then get mad when they do. This man is making an effort to say something subtle. He's saying, I really like you, but something is making me uncomfortable. I made a mistake. I got too domestic too early and now I feel a little trapped. I want to step back just a tiny back so there is a little room and to let our relationship feel more sexy and mysterious. I think he was brave to say that, and if I were you, I would be flattered that he was so honest.

crimsonlake · 05/07/2021 17:18

Personally I do not care how intimate we have been I would not want anyone handling my dirty underwear. Possibly you should be washing your own clothes when visiting, perhaps this is what he is thinking?

CaraherEIL · 05/07/2021 17:24

I agree with Princess, I think it is good he is being honest. I also think have some of the romance abit longer.

HTH1 · 05/07/2021 17:56

I would pull back. Seems off that he thinks you’re good enough to regularly sleep with and stay over but doesn’t want you to leave any washing as this is inconvenient for him or shows too much commitment to you.

Honeyroar · 05/07/2021 19:42

Does he leave things at your house? Do you do his washing when he stays with you?

GoWalkabout · 05/07/2021 19:55

He just hasn't thought it through. Suddenly its gone from comfortably intimate to hanging your undies on the line. But you are the one living out of a suitcase multiple nights a week. Worth communicating about negotiating this next step. Just acknowledge that keeping your things there seems practical but makes it all seem a bit serious, and talk about it more.

BadLad · 05/07/2021 23:31

@MrsMaizel

You leave your dirty clothes all over the floor at night ! How can you sleep ? 🤮
I'm trying to decide whether you sound more like Harold Bishop, Sheldon Cooper or Arnold Rimmer.
MrsToothyBitch · 06/07/2021 00:19

I think the laundry part of having your things there was taking the romance off for him. Either that or he expected you to fill the chest of drawers with lotions and potions and beauty tools! Also I would rather take my clothes away, splitting my wardrobe between two places bar some lounge wear would annoy me. I'm dyspraxic though so " my laundry is at mine" helps keep track.

Tbh I never really washed anything belonging to an ex unless it required an emergency asap wash. DP used to have shampoo, a comb, shaving gear, a tooth brush, deodorant and maybe a couple of spare pairs of pants here before we cohabited. Again, he took nearly all his laundry home bar stuff that needed an asap wash. The only exceptions were a dressing gown I bought him to keep here and would just chuck in a regular dark wash between his visits and his towels here, which are mine anyway and just went in my regular towel wash.

melj1213 · 06/07/2021 00:51

The thing with putting everything in the washing basket is that otherwise your dirty clothes would be sat on his bedroom floor for potentially 4-5 days because there is nowhere else to put them, and it would be rude to grab all the clothes off the floor and then sort through them to put his own in the washing basket and yours back on the floor. It might not have occurred to him originally but after doing a wash and finding that half of it was yours might have made him feel like it's a bit early to be doing your laundry.

Additionally there a difference between "leave a few things here permanently" and "stay for 4-5 days and leave your dirty washing for me to do" - the disconnect is that you have essentially moved in for 4/5 days a week without practically moving in with all of your stuff.

If he has cleared out a whole chest of drawers for you, could you have one drawer for stuff you need to take home to wash? That way you can leave your toiletries/essentials there permanently, have spare underwear/one or two outfits that are for emergencies and then just get into a habit of bringing a bag with a few clothing bits on Monday, putting it in your "laundry drawer" as and when you wear it and then taking it all home to wash on Friday, safe in the knowledge that even if you forget to bring all of your clean stuff next Monday there's a clean pair of pants and tshirt still in the drawer.

JaceLancs · 06/07/2021 01:02

I’ve been with DP not living together for years
I keep toiletries and nightwear at his house plus a change of clothes
He keeps similar at my house but occasionally needs to borrow stuff off my DS (they are same size) eg this weekend we fancied a swim and he hadn’t brought any swim shorts
Neither of us would presume re washing though! I often offer though!
If he offers when I’m with him I usually decline! He’s not great at following washing instructions and has shrunk things in past or mixed colours

EmeraldShamrock · 06/07/2021 01:09

He is right, its early days and he is washing your underwear.
Do you not do your own since you're there so often.
Its a bit cheeky but I see you followed his lead clearing up the floor.

PyongyangKipperbang · 06/07/2021 01:18

It wouldnt bother me if I was him but.....I stay with my BF for the weekend every 2 weeks (yes when the kids are with their dad!) and I will often need to wash my work stuff when I am there. So I will do a full wash with his stuff too. So if I leave something there that needs washing he will do it as its only fair, we both do each others.

If he never stays at yours and you never do reciprocal housework at his then it does seem a bit "take" on your part and "give" on his.

PyongyangKipperbang · 06/07/2021 01:19

I'm trying to decide whether you sound more like Harold Bishop, Sheldon Cooper or Arnold Rimmer.

I think more like someone who has never had passionate sex that requires the "where did we get undressed?!" conversation the next morning :o

I have had to do a full house sweep to find my underwear at my BF's before now!

Babymamamama · 06/07/2021 08:20

This is a sign. Things have progressed too fast. Step back, do more stuff with your friends/in your own home and stop staying over there so much.

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