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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Boyfriend told me to leave stuff at his, but take home dirty washing?!

171 replies

takeithome · 05/07/2021 13:25

I've been seeing a new man since March. We met online. Things have progressed quite quickly in the few months I have known him, we have met one another's friends/family and I see him almost everyday. I've been spending 4-5 nights a week at his house. Around a month ago he suggested that I leave some over night things at his (clean clothes, pyjamas, underwear, tooth brush, hair brush etc.) That was because I was bringing a bag back and forth every time I stayed and he also said it would be nice if I could spontaneously stay at his without the need for a bag every time. I agreed a couple of weeks ago and he cleared out a chest of drawers for my stuff which I thought was lovely!

He began putting my things in the wash basket, (for example he'd scoop up our dirty washing off the floor in the morning after bed), so I followed his lead and stopped taking the dirty things home... after all, the whole point of leaving stuff was so I didn't have to bring things back and forth all the time... He's now text me this morning saying he feels a bit 'weird' about washing my things so early on, and would I mind taking my dirty washing home and then bringing it back to his clean. AIBU to think this is a bit strange, whenever boyfriends have left stuff at mine before I've never had a problem washing it. I'm not gross or anything like that either. I don't really feel comfortable leaving stuff at his anymore to be honest and feel like I might as well go back to just bringing a bag every time?

OP posts:
moonbedazzled · 05/07/2021 13:50

You've been going out three months and he's doing your washing and ironing? Well done you. Crack on. Get him onto washing and valeting the car.

Original poster
takeithome · 05/07/2021 13:51

@MovingtoOz1Day Maybe, but he does the same at night time and prior to this I was always taking my dirty washing home. He began putting my stuff in his wash basket when he picked his things up off the floor in the morning.

OP posts:
GrettaGreen · 05/07/2021 13:51

From you've started putting clothes in the wash basket, how many loads of washing have you put in? 4/5 nights a week = most of your clothes so could it be more that he thinks you're being a bit cheeky getting him to do most of your laundry?

burnoutbabe · 05/07/2021 13:53

I still think you'd take a bag each time.

But in case you head home unexpectedly, there at least clean pants and t-shirt there. Maybe some contacts?

I assume that's all he meant by what he said.

Original poster
takeithome · 05/07/2021 13:53

I've left 2 pairs of jeans, 2 tops, a dress, pair of pyjamas and underwear. It's not a full wardrobe at all. It's things he could chuck in with his, not full on laundry loads of my things.

OP posts:
Original poster
takeithome · 05/07/2021 13:56

Maybe I was a bit presumptuous by what he thought I would be leaving there. I might have bought too much. The way he framed it was that I could leave a bag of stuff (to quote him) at his including clothes and toiletries.

OP posts:
Daphnise · 05/07/2021 13:57

It was the dirty clothes being on the floor that I would object to.....

You both sound as slovenly as each other!

nimbuscloud · 05/07/2021 13:58

It would be good if the op clarified if she does contribute to the weekly bills especially food and utilities. So often on Mumsnet there are women who move new partners in several nights a week and it costs them financially.

WorraLiberty · 05/07/2021 13:59

Yes but if you're leaving your dirty clothes on his floor, it makes sense for him to put them in the washing basket.

That doesn't mean he has to wash them though.

You should really pick up after yourself anyway.

2021DNA · 05/07/2021 13:59

How would you feel he left stuff at yours and expected you to wash it?

DazzlingHaze · 05/07/2021 13:59

@DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult That's fair enough but if he's inviting the OP over then he can hardly complain. If I didn't want to use extra electric/food/whatever else for someone I just wouldn't have them over.

Original poster
takeithome · 05/07/2021 14:00

@nimbuscloud I don't contribute to the weekly bills. I do buy food, drinks, alcohol, snacks, take aways, treats most of the time I stay there. I bought him a nice gift recently, and book us things to do, pay for dinners and days out. I'm not stingy at all.

OP posts:
Original poster
takeithome · 05/07/2021 14:02

@2021DNA If I invited him to leave a bag at mine I would wash his things to be honest. I have done with exes in the past. In my mind, it defeats the purpose of 'making things easier' by leaving stuff if I am taking it all back and forth each time.

OP posts:
Bibidy · 05/07/2021 14:02

[quote takeithome]@Excited101

That was kind of my thought process, it doesn't seem worth leaving stuff at his if I am just having to take dirty things back each time. I might as well just bring a bag every time...

I never would have left dirty things if he hadn't started putting my stuff in his wash basket to begin with. That was what indicated to me that it was okay Confused[/quote]
I do agree with this, if you're taking stuff home to wash then you're going to have to bring it back again anyway so what's the point in leaving it there? You're eventually going to end up with no clothes there if you take everything home as you wear it.

The only way I have understanding for what he's saying is if he's doing 4-5 days worth of your washing and it's a PITA.

I'd just go back to bringing a bag.

rwalker · 05/07/2021 14:03

He properly read the thread where the posters DH shrunk some dungarees fuck me you would of thought he'd killed someone with the responses

Take your washing home .

motogogo · 05/07/2021 14:04

I think it's a bit weird he has an issue, we did each other's very early on, it's just clothes! If you are having an intimate relationship, seems odd to be funny about bras

Zilla1 · 05/07/2021 14:04

The assymmetry is weird. Perhaps you can just cope better with washing a DPs clothing without being weirded out because of your sex, OP? If you take a YABU from some posters then don't forget the linked presumption that he is being vvvv unreasonable to just leave clothes for washing.

fruitbrewhaha · 05/07/2021 14:09

@nimbuscloud

It would be good if the op clarified if she does contribute to the weekly bills especially food and utilities. So often on Mumsnet there are women who move new partners in several nights a week and it costs them financially.
She has said she buys food. She is hardly going to offer to pay proportion of the bills! Unless he is really short of money and can't afford the few extra pounds it is costing for OP to have a shower.

I really don't think you need to dwell on this OP. You are obviously having a nice time together. It's not really an issue. You would have chucked his things in the wash, he wouldn't. Just bring more stuff next time and take this home to wash. You are still getting to know each other and this shouldn't be a deal breaker.

1forAll74 · 05/07/2021 14:15

Other people washing my clothes, and me washing theirs,after what is just a short relationship at the moment, is just a no no in my old fashioned view.

SmallPrawnEnergy · 05/07/2021 14:15

So what did he say when you asked him about this? I’m assuming you’ve asked as you’re an adult and that’s how adults communicate with their other halves. After all, he is the only person who can tell you why he is uncomfortable washing your items.

Bibidy · 05/07/2021 14:16

I doubt it's about the bills, more likely that it all feels a bit too homey and un-sexy for a new relationship.

Go back to bringing a bag and then when he eventually asks why tell him it's because he asked you not to leave washing.

CassandrasCastle · 05/07/2021 14:17

What was the £80 aftershave? (Genuinely, weirdly, interested!)

Original poster
takeithome · 05/07/2021 14:20

@CassandrasCastle A Tom Ford one I saw in his bathroom that was almost empty, so I replaced it for him.

OP posts:
Frownette · 05/07/2021 14:24

Are you driving, OP?

I found packing my weekend bag part of the fun with ex when he drove to pick me up at weekends. And hate anyone touching my clothes anyway

DishingOutDone · 05/07/2021 14:28

@CassandrasCastle

Amazing first response
Me too. Cos the OP would only go there during her period and have dozens of bloodied knickers to hand 😳
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