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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Boyfriend told me to leave stuff at his, but take home dirty washing?!

171 replies

takeithome · 05/07/2021 13:25

I've been seeing a new man since March. We met online. Things have progressed quite quickly in the few months I have known him, we have met one another's friends/family and I see him almost everyday. I've been spending 4-5 nights a week at his house. Around a month ago he suggested that I leave some over night things at his (clean clothes, pyjamas, underwear, tooth brush, hair brush etc.) That was because I was bringing a bag back and forth every time I stayed and he also said it would be nice if I could spontaneously stay at his without the need for a bag every time. I agreed a couple of weeks ago and he cleared out a chest of drawers for my stuff which I thought was lovely!

He began putting my things in the wash basket, (for example he'd scoop up our dirty washing off the floor in the morning after bed), so I followed his lead and stopped taking the dirty things home... after all, the whole point of leaving stuff was so I didn't have to bring things back and forth all the time... He's now text me this morning saying he feels a bit 'weird' about washing my things so early on, and would I mind taking my dirty washing home and then bringing it back to his clean. AIBU to think this is a bit strange, whenever boyfriends have left stuff at mine before I've never had a problem washing it. I'm not gross or anything like that either. I don't really feel comfortable leaving stuff at his anymore to be honest and feel like I might as well go back to just bringing a bag every time?

OP posts:
HaveringWavering · 05/07/2021 15:02

[quote takeithome]@HaveringWavering I think that is what he meant. I probably shouldn't have assumed when he put things in the wash basket, and should have asked at the time. With exes when they've left their things (especially if I've given them a drawer, he's given me a whole set!) I have always washed and dried and put the things back. I've never invited an ex-boyfriend to leave a drawer full of things with the expectation he will wash and replace it each time he stays. But he is lovely, It's just a miscommunication. No harm done.[/quote]
Smile I hope your relationship keeps going well, lucky you Grin

Aprilx · 05/07/2021 15:03

@takeithome

I have never expected him to do my washing!! I put off leaving things at his as I thought it was too much, too soon. He was very insistent that I left things, even going as far as telling me to give him a list so he could buy things for me to leave there!! I never took him up on this as I thought it was CF territory, and a bit much.

I would never have left things there had he not insisted. I was quite happy to keep bringing a bag. I never would have left dirty things there, had he not started putting it into his washing basket. Him putting my things in his washing basket was what indicated to me that it was fine. I also think if you are asking someone to leave a bag of clothes, underwear and toiletries, then asking them to take it home to wash and bring back, it's a bit weird to be honest. What's the point? I might as well just keep bringing a bag each time. If I offered for him to leave a bag at mine, I wouldn't expect him to also be taking his things home and washing them to then bring it back again.

I think it's just miscommunication.

So what did you expect to happen to the washing that you put in his laundry basket? That the laundry fairies would deal with it. 🙄. If you want to leave stuff at his place, surely you would just put things through the wash yourself whilst you are there, it’s not rocket science.
Original poster
takeithome · 05/07/2021 15:05

@Aprilx He'd set the tone by putting my things in there on several occasions. So I thought it'd be okay, as it would save me having to take dirty things home, wash them and bring it back again. I'd never have started putting things in there myself otherwise.

OP posts:
ThursdayWeld · 05/07/2021 15:07

[quote takeithome]@Aprilx He'd set the tone by putting my things in there on several occasions. So I thought it'd be okay, as it would save me having to take dirty things home, wash them and bring it back again. I'd never have started putting things in there myself otherwise.[/quote]
Well it clearly isn't OK. Take your dirty laundry home with you.

End of issue!

Original poster
takeithome · 05/07/2021 15:09

I think I am just going to go back to bringing a bag. Maybe wrong of me as I do believe this is just a miscommunication and he doesn't mean anything by it, but I don't really feel comfortable leaving things at his anymore. I didn't really feel 100% comfortable with it in the first place if I am honest. I thought the suggestion 4 months in was a little rushed.

OP posts:
HaveringWavering · 05/07/2021 15:10

If you want to leave stuff at his place, surely you would just put things through the wash yourself whilst you are there, it’s not rocket science.

I'd not be happy with anyone putting on less than a full load of washing in my machine, total waste of resources. I'd also find it quite odd to ask to use the machine in someone's house.

Rillington · 05/07/2021 15:12

It's weird your clothes were on the floor in the first place. I agree with him you should be taking your washing home.

Azerothi · 05/07/2021 15:13

I don't think it is a miscommunication. After giving it some thought 'in the cold light of day' he doesn't want your dirty stuff there. It seems very odd to me given that he asked you to leave stuff there and picked up some dirty washing.

I would be petty and not take a bag after all this messing around. But I can be petty.

As an aside it's very refreshing you're not calling him your partner as so many do.

EMM10 · 05/07/2021 15:15

He’s being ridiculous. The whole point of leaving stuff there was to avoid the whole taking things back and forth but he wants you to take dirty stuff away?!?! That defeats the whole purpose.

If you are in a relationship what’s the big deal? If he’s got a problem suggest you’ll put on your own load of washing on at his and he can do his own. That way everyone is happy

HaveringWavering · 05/07/2021 15:16

@Rillington

It's weird your clothes were on the floor in the first place. I agree with him you should be taking your washing home.
Long time since you were in a new relationship eh @Rillington?
Rapskallion · 05/07/2021 15:20

I wouldn’t wash a boyfriend-of-a-few-months dirty laundry and I wouldn’t expect him to do mine!

SwimBaby · 05/07/2021 15:26

I don’t think either of you were wrong.

OrangeBlossomMacaron · 05/07/2021 15:33

When he said ‘leave your stuff here’ he probably didn’t mean your dirty cacks, he was more likely referring to your hair products n’shit.

Having said that DH and I wouldn’t have bat an eyelid at leaving washing at one another’s place even after a few weeks, so I would be wondering whether he’s getting cold feet about things..

Hawkins001 · 05/07/2021 15:34

It is a peculiar situation op, although I understand your perspectives

Hawkins001 · 05/07/2021 15:36

@takeithome

I think I am just going to go back to bringing a bag. Maybe wrong of me as I do believe this is just a miscommunication and he doesn't mean anything by it, but I don't really feel comfortable leaving things at his anymore. I didn't really feel 100% comfortable with it in the first place if I am honest. I thought the suggestion 4 months in was a little rushed.
Have your bag as a bug out bag or bob , as they call it in the military, basically cover all bases for staying out then at least your prepared for either staying or traveling ect
ZombeaArthur · 05/07/2021 15:38

I’m not sure how you can both leave clothes at his house and take them home with you to wash. Surely that’s no different to you bringing what you need when you arrive and taking them home again when you leave.

If the man I was seeing asked me to leave things at him (or if I asked him to leave things at mine) I’d expect them to be washed there too, regardless of who actually set the machine going. Otherwise nothing is actually being left.

Reallyreallyborednow · 05/07/2021 15:38

I reckon he’s gone to do the washing and realised there’s a very high chance of him ruining bras and delicates. Most men’s clothes will all just go on a cotton wash so maybe he’s unsure- bra’s most labels will say handwash and I certainly cba doing someone elses handwashing, and I wouldn’t risk something belonging to someone I didn’t know well in a machine.

Compromise would be sort and wash your own things in his machine so you don’t need to cart it back and forth.

Demortuisnilnisibonum · 05/07/2021 15:41

Sounds fair enough. He seems lovely TBH. He’s been really clear and honest throughout. Lucky you.

MrsMaizel · 05/07/2021 15:41

You leave your dirty clothes all over the floor at night ! How can you sleep ? 🤮

Palavah · 05/07/2021 15:44

@MrsMaizel

You leave your dirty clothes all over the floor at night ! How can you sleep ? 🤮
Never been in the throes of passion, then?
Original poster
takeithome · 05/07/2021 15:50

We're usually too exhausted from shagging to get back up and pick the clothes up and put them in the wash basket Grin

Not sure what's so weird about this!

OP posts:
burnoutbabe · 05/07/2021 15:54

@ZombeaArthur

I’m not sure how you can both leave clothes at his house and take them home with you to wash. Surely that’s no different to you bringing what you need when you arrive and taking them home again when you leave.

If the man I was seeing asked me to leave things at him (or if I asked him to leave things at mine) I’d expect them to be washed there too, regardless of who actually set the machine going. Otherwise nothing is actually being left.

It makes sense to me

You leave there some toiletries and also some clean pants/socks t-shirt

Most times you plan to go and see then, you take your bag with stuff in. it all goes home with you. spare stuff in drawer is unused.

Sometimes you may go there unexpectedly and stay over. Then you use the clean pants (taking home with you the dirty ones). Replace next time.

and you have some deoderant and shampoo there to save you carting that around each time.

BSideBaby · 05/07/2021 15:55

I take my dirty laundry home and we've been together for ten years.

ittakes2 · 05/07/2021 15:59

You’ve only been with him since March and you are expecting him to do your washing? Crosses a line I think.

Faevern · 05/07/2021 16:00

@takeithome

We're usually too exhausted from shagging to get back up and pick the clothes up and put them in the wash basket Grin

Not sure what's so weird about this!

🤣 That’s what I was thinking, what’s with the horror of leaving clothes lying round overnight? 30 years on and putting our clothes away is still often the last thing on our mind, the clothes are left wherever they came off, at least now it’s usually the bedroom, unlike my younger days ...
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