AIBU OH never *alone* with kids

[apmlee]

We have a toddler and a 6 month baby. My toddler has serious behaviour issues atm, he is very very emotional and tantrums a lot and baby doesn’t like to put down - so it’s a challenge. I’m on maternity leave and OH leaves for work at 7am and comes back 5pm mom-fri, then at the weekend usually 1 day at least he either arranges more work or he has plans. So I have both the kids by myself 6/7 days a week 7am-5 and I don’t drive. I usually try to do something with the both of them most days, we will go to the park, out for walks, to toddler groups and swimming, the farm etc but most of the time these don’t go smoothly and I spend it putting toddler on a makeshift timeout or baby crying and people looking at me.

I’m not trashing my OH for working or having plans, grateful for him working and totally agree he needs time out. However I also need a break and I rarely get one. I shower with both the kids in the bathroom with me, get dressed with them with me, go to the toilet holding the baby and cook/clean with baby in the carrier and watching the toddler. My OH wouldn’t dream of having a shower with them both in there with him and he doesn’t do any of the things above and everything else he needs to do he does with the luxury of time and without the kids. In the six months since we’ve had the little one he has had both the kids on his own for more than an hour only 3 times and all of those times he has gone to his parents where I know his mum will watch the kids, make him a tea and he’ll sit on his phone. I suppose what I want is for him to get some perspective - to start having them properly on his own, where he takes them out by himself or has them for a day so that he can understand what it is like for me because at the moment I feel like I don’t get a moment to myself and he doesn’t understand that maybe i don’t want to feel like it’s a luxury to have a shower alone. I go back to work full time in six months (I will be working very long hours) and he will then be quitting work to have the kids part time, I feel like he is going to be totally mentally unprepared and that a lot of the ‘load’ is going to remain with me, even though I’ll be working 8am-9/10pm some days and 8am-6pm on a good day. AIBU for wanting him to have them properly with no help and sometimes have them when he’s doing stuff to gain some perspective and so it’s not such a shock to the system when I go back to work?

Hand kids over and say you’re off to the shower?
Hand him the baby and take the toddler out?
Get a hobby?
Plan a morning out?
Don’t just do everything and leave him playing on his phone!!

YANBU at all. Have you said all this to him yet?

Get him to have them on his own. He won't understand how hard it is until he experiences it. You need some respite.

Was he hands on with the first one before the baby came along?

He's gets Saturday, you get Sunday.

You're going to have to fight. Speaking from experience. He is avoiding it on purpose - because it's fucking hard. And he won't do it voluntarily or because you drop subtle hints. You need to spell it out to him and be clear what you need and be firm.

It's not easy but you have to learn to make demands. You have the right to some time off. But you will have to make it happen. It's shit but there it is.

Sit down with a calendar and block out all the weekend days, evenings and mornings when your DH is going to have the kids solo whilst you have a shower, go out for the day, do your Keep in Touch days with work or whatever.

Make sure it starts next week and ensure he is not taking them over to his parents at any stage.

He needs to step up as a parent and he needs to step up now, or you'll be going to work and he'll be on the phone every 5 mins as he's not able to cope. Or you'll be sorting the kids out in the morning and as soon as you get home as he'll struggle too much.

Remove the rod from your back and start NOW as you mean to go on, the sooner the better.

On the weekend day that he is home, tell him he is looking after both children whilst you have a shower. That bit is easy.
Then start to leave one or both of them with him more often. Eg, he looks after them whilst you go to the supermarket. On a family day out, tell him that he is responsible for the toddler and you for the baby. And let him get on with it. Don't interrupt or tell him how it could be done better. Let him learn.
I would also encourage him to take both of the children to his mum's, just so you get a break. Doesn't really matter if she will be the one looking after them.

@whatisheupto

You're going to have to fight. Speaking from experience. He is avoiding it on purpose - because it's fucking hard. And he won't do it voluntarily or because you drop subtle hints. You need to spell it out to him and be clear what you need and be firm.

It's not easy but you have to learn to make demands. You have the right to some time off. But you will have to make it happen. It's shit but there it is.

This all of this.

You know I tried my hardest but I when I realised this was all on purpose. I kicked him out and now we are 50/50 abs tells everyone and sundry how he lost the best thing to ever happen to him. By best things allowing him to be my second child that did 0 at all times.

Now I get to shower in peace hurrah as he has to parent as he has 0 escape

If you don't break the cycle now it will repeat in your kids.

I hope you get a break op. You sound like a single parent with 3 kid on your hands.

Selfish, lazy cunt. Does he think it's the 1950s. My DH works 50 hours a week and always helps out and has done since they were tiny. Not only to help me but because they are his children that need a parent. Don't lose yourself entirely to motherhood.

We’ve already spoken about him relying on his parents every single time for support and it causes an argument. He thinks I am being unreasonable for wanting him to deliberately have a difficult time on his own, I don’t think he sees the irony. In terms of booking out weekends I bought a calendar and write my stuff in it but it gets double booked with his stuff that he gives me no notice about and I end up with the kids. I also try to hand baby to him to go and do stuff but he’ll hand her back because he needs to get x,y,z done. We had an argument the other day because I was waiting for him to take the baby so I could go wash my hair and he didn’t want to take her, he said can’t you just shower quickly or not wash your hair. Honestly it pissed me off so much and I’m writing this because I think I am at the end of my tether with it - I know it’ll start an argument but I think I just need to say you’re having the kids on x day and then call up his parents and tell them they aren’t allowed to help for that day but I think everyone is going to think I’m being crazy.

Can I be blunt? He needs a bloody good kick up the arse and a hefty dose of reality.

@apmlee you aren't going crazy. Your being driven crazy.

I think you hit the nail on the head when he said "he didn't want to" let that settle in.

Now speaking frankly I would point out to him that if he doesn't step up and help out, you will kick him out and he will have to do 50% of the work without creature comforts.

He's not a child he has responsibilities he has to handle and you do not have to teach him this. That was his parents job and a poor job they have done and continue to enable this rubbish. I would fry my DS if he acted this way to his partner. It's probably what he saw at home growing up and is mirroring it.

You are not celline Dion - your love does not have to go on. Your not his mother your his partner.

Only way I have seen it work is if you give them a fright but honestly success rates are low as they usually fall back into routine once they feel safe again.

Do you think that this part time stay at home dad thing is going to actually pan out or do you think actually he will find another reason (ahem excuse) ?

It seems he has such an odd perspective. He should want to spend time with his children. It's doubly odd if he sees it as a 'terrible time' that he then is happy for you to experience constantly. The cherry on top is his aspiration that he will work part-time. Will he spend all the time at his parents? What will happen if his DM is away or ill? Do you have a contingency plan if he changes his mind and you face some hard choices about your return to work? If his plan really just to wait until they are older and trained and he can be an effortless parent? Good luck, OP.

I totally agree I just don’t know how to go about it now without an argument. Aside from this our relationship is great and he is hands on with the kids but only with me there, he doesn’t want to do the difficult side of parenting. It’s like he doesn’t have the confidence to properly parent alone but it is taking its toll on me.

I think you are being unreasonable in not wanting him to take the children to his parents. If he's the one looking after them, he is allowed to do what he wants. And if it means you get a much needed break, then that's what you want, surely? Or maybe his parents could look after one or both children on your time?

As an aside, putting a toddler in time out is a bad idea, and won't help his behaviour. Perhaps look into some more positive parenting strategies to make things easier?

I earn significantly more than him because I am a lawyer so from a financial perspective it makes sense for me to go to work and for him to stay off. If we paid for childcare he would basically be working for free. However my job means very very long hours. His mum is already doing to have them 2 days a week but honestly I’ve said I’m not happy for her to have them more than that because I know full well the kids won’t have boundaries set with her and will have everything done for them (hence how my OH is now). I think he’s thinking it’ll be easier for him when they’re a bit bigger.

I don’t mind him taking them to his parents per se it’s more the issue of he’s never ever had them alone for more than an hour and I need him to understand what that’s like. My toddler hits and bites atm so time out is usually a minute or so where he sits down on his own to process and then we talk about why he is feeling sad or angry - otherwise I’m just in the firing line. I have been kicked in the face before with the baby in the carrier and it’s not safe.

I’m sorry op but you’ve picked a dud. your relationship is not great if he’s happy for you to take all this on. He won’t parent his own children. Not even for 20 mins for you to wash your hair. Really think about that. That is not the actions of a great husband or father. Personally I could not be with someone who showed me such utter disrespect.

Treat him the way he treats you would be my suggestion. Start being more selfish and more protective of your time and your boundaries. Don't ask him to look after his own children. Just make plans for yourself the way that he does, and tell him you'll be going out and leave him to it just like he does with you.

I don't know if it will work him being PT SAHD. He's not able to look after them while you have a shower, so how will he progress to having them both all day?

Personally I would consider nursery or a childminder. A childminder would be cheaper & might do for example a half day so DH only has to manage a few hours.

Can you afford to do say 4 days a week? I don't know how flexible law is.

I totally agree I just don’t know how to go about it now without an argument. Aside from this our relationship is great and he is hands on with the kids but only with me there, he doesn’t want to do the difficult side of parenting. It’s like he doesn’t have the confidence to properly parent alone but it is taking its toll on me.

If your relationship is great, then tell him you are struggling and need a bit of time to yourself. Start small and get him to have them while you have a shower. Or just let him suggest a solution.
The other thing is to ensure you are letting him be an equal parent when you are both together. Let him make decisions and ask him for advice occasionally, don't interfere with how he does things.

So do as others say, drop both kids on him at a weekend say you are popping out, leave you to it and go out. ‘Forget’ to take your phone and stay away for a couple of hours

OP,
Be very careful.

He is a deliberately selfish waster and you plan on allowing him to go part time and be their primary carer while you work?

Not a good idea.

Is this a good relationship?
Because it sounds as if he has an awful fool made out of you.

Do you think this relationship is going to last?
Because he can't bear to be with his children without you there to shoulder the load.
He will get his mother to help and you will come home to cook/laundry/mess.

If you split with him and he is at home you are liable for supporting him.

Be very very careful about whzt you decide to do.
He is a selfish waster.

Why is his Mom having them two days a week but he's quitting his job totally??