AIBU OH never *alone* with kids

[apmlee]

We have a toddler and a 6 month baby. My toddler has serious behaviour issues atm, he is very very emotional and tantrums a lot and baby doesn’t like to put down - so it’s a challenge. I’m on maternity leave and OH leaves for work at 7am and comes back 5pm mom-fri, then at the weekend usually 1 day at least he either arranges more work or he has plans. So I have both the kids by myself 6/7 days a week 7am-5 and I don’t drive. I usually try to do something with the both of them most days, we will go to the park, out for walks, to toddler groups and swimming, the farm etc but most of the time these don’t go smoothly and I spend it putting toddler on a makeshift timeout or baby crying and people looking at me.

I’m not trashing my OH for working or having plans, grateful for him working and totally agree he needs time out. However I also need a break and I rarely get one. I shower with both the kids in the bathroom with me, get dressed with them with me, go to the toilet holding the baby and cook/clean with baby in the carrier and watching the toddler. My OH wouldn’t dream of having a shower with them both in there with him and he doesn’t do any of the things above and everything else he needs to do he does with the luxury of time and without the kids. In the six months since we’ve had the little one he has had both the kids on his own for more than an hour only 3 times and all of those times he has gone to his parents where I know his mum will watch the kids, make him a tea and he’ll sit on his phone. I suppose what I want is for him to get some perspective - to start having them properly on his own, where he takes them out by himself or has them for a day so that he can understand what it is like for me because at the moment I feel like I don’t get a moment to myself and he doesn’t understand that maybe i don’t want to feel like it’s a luxury to have a shower alone. I go back to work full time in six months (I will be working very long hours) and he will then be quitting work to have the kids part time, I feel like he is going to be totally mentally unprepared and that a lot of the ‘load’ is going to remain with me, even though I’ll be working 8am-9/10pm some days and 8am-6pm on a good day. AIBU for wanting him to have them properly with no help and sometimes have them when he’s doing stuff to gain some perspective and so it’s not such a shock to the system when I go back to work?

[quote LeonieSims]**@youvegottenminuteslynn

NC sorry

@youvegottenminuteslynn

Two years and she's 6 now. We're planning to have moved in together by spring 2022 which would take us nearer the 3 year mark. It's not just a new boyfriend, we have spoken about seriously making a future together and he knows that will of course include DD, and he seems willing to step up for that role.

I've read back on my post and can see why it sounds like he has some special interest in my daughter, but he really doesn't. I picked up on those specific things for the post because it related to looking after a child. He offers to do anything that will help me - "don't worry, I'll take the rubbish out", "I can do the laundrette for you if you want", "would you like me to do this week's shopping for you?", "I can arrange and pay for the van to take this stuff to X or pick up from Y" etc, he offers to do a wide variety of stuff that is completely unrelated to childcare, the child aspect is just another facet of "if you would like, I could do X if it would make it easier at the moment?" And if I say no he doesn't fight any of it. He wants to make me happy. He's never dated anyone with children before, has said he never saw himself in a step dad role... I know who his ex is and she has no children and they were together a long time... but since meeting me and seeing my child as an extension of me, he wants to make sure we are both happy and looked after, it's changed his perspective. He reminds me very much of my uncle, who is an amazing step father to my aunt's child by previous relationship. Or my step grandfather. My daughter is very comfortable around him and looks forward to his stays or when we visit him, she's never expressed any dislike or apprehension, it's not like I just forced this man on her, we've had talks about her feelings about him plenty of times before.

At the start, my ex was still causing issues so social services were involved, they aren't now, but I did disclose the relationship at the very beginning and he was police checked etc and no concerns were raised there.

I imagine it sounded like we'd been together a few months or something. He does enjoy our alone time, it's not like he is desperate to be alone with her, he just offers to help, like he does with any other aspect of my life, I just picked the child related ones as that's what the post was mainly about.

I feel my use of new partner was misleading, I guess after such a long long time with my ex it does feel very "new" as it's such a different relationship tbh, he does treat me so much better than my ex or any man I've had the pleasure to date before having my child. Time has gone by very quickly, it doesn't feel like 2.5 years!

Even in the earlier days, it's not like he would be bummed out if I had a babysitter and we went out on our dates or had a weekend to ourselves, he's always been really happy when we've got time just for us and we can relax more.

I'm going on now, just really feel I have the wrong impression of him there.

During the very early days, he didn't show much interest in meeting her or anything, and as time went on to where we are now, he has admitted that me having a child already, had put him off a bit at first, as I said being involved in another man's child's life wasn't something he'd ever thought he'd be happy with, so it really doesn't feel like he targeted me specifically for having a child iyswim. It's only since we've spent time together all three of us and the relationship is looking to be serious now with us planning moving in, have spoken about the possibility of getting married further down the line etc, that he has stated how he wants to be a good man for both of us, and wants to have a good relationship with DD if he is to be involved in the long term etc. As I said, she has only ever expressed to me positive things about him.[/quote]
That sounds like a nice and healthy relationship - like you say it was the word 'new' that I think made people panic, but obviously it's now an established relationship. Happy for you x

You need a nanny, preferably a live in one given your working hours. A nursery will just mean your kids catch every big going and you will have to juggle solo most likely.

MIL for emergency childcare, occasional babysitting and so on. You're already dealing with the fall-out x 2 of her "parenting style".

Your partner needs to remain working FT and save the cash to become self employed if that's the route to more income.

Finally you need to speak to your line manager/Legal firm Partner before you go back to work. Law firms are measured by clients on the diversity of their staff. They WILL make adjustments if needed rather than lose you if you are any good. They will recognise that kids get older and it gets easier and it will pay back for them too. Presume you are at least a couple of years post qualified if you have two kids.

Then it's ultimatum time with your life "partner". You've had all the advice and if you ignore it, well you are going to suffer but your kids really, really are.

Every bug going!

And yes I accept a nanny is excruciatingly expensive.

My concern is for someone who is supposed to be looking after his children on his own. How is that going to work out if he doesn’t want to/isn’t capable to take them for 15 minutes whilst their dm has a shower.

This plan is never going to work.

I do think they need to go back and discuss the way forward with the reality that the Dh is not willing to look after them on his own

The problem isn't that he can't look after his kids, it's that he doesn't want to.

He knows how tired and stressed you are yet still won't take both kids so you can shower or shop.

That's not a good father or partner.

It doesn't sound like your partner is going to give the children a good quality of care - this will be extremely stressful for you when you return to work. Yes he must learn to have them alone but I think you would be better to use a childminder or day nanny for the bulk of the care - even if it costs your partner's entire wage. You could then come home to well cared for children and an organised home.

If he truly believes he can step up get him to organise a week of leave and prove it.

*So if he doesn’t want to then he isn’t going to be able to take time off to set up his business

I think you have a few choices
Nursery f/t from 7am (you are going to have to find some way of working round the drop off) your mil pick ups if you can’t do it and both of you work
My friend who was on a largish salary ended up with £35 per month after paying nursery fees, but you have to look at it that you are both working and you are keeping your job without a career break and it’s not forever.

You could save money by putting your toddler and baby when they are old enough into a nursery that is more 9.30-3.30 and have mil do wrap around care

Whilst you might not like your mils methods you do need to ease up and let things go. I think when your toddler is in nursery it will do him so much good as he will make friends and hitting and biting if he doesn’t get his own way will be dealt with by a third party and he will see his friends don’t do that.

Children go through phases. You have to remember that no phase lasts forever unless you make a huge deal out of it.
We have all been hit and bitten but I wouldn’t have put a toddler in time out. I just explained why we didn’t do things like that and my explanation lasted longer than the time out would have lasted and probably had more of an effect.
I think I bored dc into thinking twice about doing something naughty

@Winter2020 100% agree. The OP needs peace of mind, knowing her children are being well cared for.

Sadly she’s not going to get that from her OH and/or MIL.

OP will be left to pick up the slack.

If she thinks she’s tired now it will be a millions times worse when she’s back at work and essentially doing two peoples work!

Morning Op💐

Start to put some money away quietly for you and your dc because he is not going to change and you are going to find yourself even more exhausted and fed up than you are now.You are basically a single parent anyway,in six months time you'll be working incredibly long hours and come home to a load of jobs he hasn't done because "he's been too busy".
Get those driving lessons underway and pass your test.
Try and work something so he works when you are home or else you'll be financially supporting him for years.
Good luck,put yourself first sometimes.💐🌈

Reading your posts, I feel like you could be my SIL.

They now have 3 kids (8 & 4 yr old twins) and even from the 8 year olds being tiny, he has rarely looked after them by himself. He would take nephew to MIL's and then take his dog for a walk. Sometimes MiL didn't even know he'd left.
If SIL goes out, she will ask her mum to babysit because he "can't cope" with the 3 of them.

He quit work (has family money to live off) and all 3 kids are at school and he does nothing in the house. On a good day he will take the kids to school, take the dog for a walk, have his lunch, nap for 2 hrs, pick kids up, go for a bike ride over teatime and not help with bath/bed time.
On a bad day, he will scream and shout about noise (even kids playing/talking) or sleep in until SIL takes them to school, he will play his games or sleep all day, wait til SIL & kids get home, then take the dog for a walk to avoid them.

He has been enabled to not take responsibility for his kids and it's disgusting.

Please put your children in nursery. It will be better for them and you

@MsSquiz

Reading your posts, I feel like you could be my SIL.

They now have 3 kids (8 & 4 yr old twins) and even from the 8 year olds being tiny, he has rarely looked after them by himself. He would take nephew to MIL's and then take his dog for a walk. Sometimes MiL didn't even know he'd left.
If SIL goes out, she will ask her mum to babysit because he "can't cope" with the 3 of them.

He quit work (has family money to live off) and all 3 kids are at school and he does nothing in the house. On a good day he will take the kids to school, take the dog for a walk, have his lunch, nap for 2 hrs, pick kids up, go for a bike ride over teatime and not help with bath/bed time.
On a bad day, he will scream and shout about noise (even kids playing/talking) or sleep in until SIL takes them to school, he will play his games or sleep all day, wait til SIL & kids get home, then take the dog for a walk to avoid them.

He has been enabled to not take responsibility for his kids and it's disgusting.

Please put your children in nursery. It will be better for them and you

Out of interest did she stay with him ? What were your mothers thoughts on it ?

I don't mean to be rude but your brother sounds like a nightmare !

Have you asked him that if he can't even manage them for 15 minutes right now, what exactly is magically changing in 6 months, meaning he will be able to have them full time all day every day?

@Bluetrews25

OK, OP. Write two lists. One is yours - what time you get up, and then everything that you do for DC / house until your documented bedtime. Then write his list. Then sit down and say that before he jacks in his job you both NEED a dress rehearsal. Basically, swap the names at the top of the list. So you get up when he does, do what he does, have the time out that he does. And he does your bit. All of it, no excuses. And if he thinks it's too much then you both need to rethink the nursery situation. My concern is that you will be busting a gut at work, OP, then will come home to have to do everything there, and he will still piss off and do his own thing at the weekend. But at least the dress rehearsal thing would stop him quitting work. There would still be plenty of issues for you to deal with, but if you did split at least he would still be working.

This is very good advice.

Three things though that need to be stopped/fixed right now
1 - that you can't have a shower and a hair wash without him having a hissy fit about looking after his child(ren) and his answer is can't you have a shower without a hairwash so he isn't left alone for any longer than he thinks is necessary. Well, he gets to bathe without the kids so you should too.
2 - that when you put something on the family calendar, he adds something he wants to do and his choice trumps yours. Well that stops right now. No more to this.
3 - that he can't take two kids to the shops as it's too hard. Tough it out. 100's of parents have to do it so he should too.

But I'd start with the first one. You need to establish boundaries and what is and is not acceptable for him to do where your free time is concerned.

It's not healthy to continue the way you are.

Best of luck to you with it all

he can't take two kids to the shops as it's too hard - and how will this work when he's a SAHD? Going to shops with one toddler and a 6-month non-mobile baby is way easier than doing it with 2 toddlers running around. He can't go during those 2 days, he's building his business. So are you supposed to run all errands, as he finds it too hard?

@newomums nightmare is being polite! Our husbands are brothers. MIL had always pandered to her kids ("poor man having to parent his own children, of course he needs me help") but she took ill in November and passed away last week.
My SIL's mum just does whatever she can to help her daughter and be there for the kids, especially no he seems to just have zero interest in his own children. It's awful and really sad to see.

I only know so much because SIL and I are very close, but his family wear rose tinted glasses

@newomums oh, and yes, she is still with him. Partly because of the man he used to be and I think partly she thinks better the devil you know...

I think you're focusing on the wrong thing. He needs to take more daily responsibilities to make it more even from the time that he comes home. If he doesn't have the skills to have them alone for 1-2 hours then you need to start him off in training again. And that means you need to take things gradually but you must be consistent. This shouldn't be on you but, let's face it, it's the only way you can make him change.

What does he do when he gets in at 5pm? Also, what is he doing on 1 day at the weekend that isn't spending time with his kids? A whole day every weekend?

And take your focus off telling him whether he can go to the in-laws or not. That's not really the issue and practically every man I've ever known does this. It's pathetic but maybe it's also nice for the grandparents to have time with their son and grandchildren without you around - no offence meant by this but I bet it's different when it's just you and your parents with the kids...assuming you like your parents!

@MsSquiz that last sentence- better the devil that you know kinda breaks my heart for your SlL. I'm glad she's got you in her corner. It can be a lonely fight with blokes such as these.

I'm sorry about your loss also 🌹

Honestly baffles me women raise men to treat other women like they didn't come out of one.

Keep fighting the good fight ! Sometimes even having a friendly outlet is enough ! X

Another issue all together, but I saved roughly seven grand to help with bills whilst on maternity leave that is in our joint account and he saved absolutely nothing.

He sounds flakey - not saved any money, can't manage both children while you have a shower, doesn't appear to have a regular job, wants to use his Mum on his days.

You need to learn to drive while you're off work - ask his Mum to babysit for the hour of your lesson. You need to use proper childcare and perhaps his Mum can do a day, or pick them up from nursery for you.

He won't be working for free, he will be working to pay for reliable childcare, which he has shown no evidence of being able to provide.

Will you really be able to focus on your work knowing your children are at home with this man child?

You're a lawyer working 12 hour days, clearly not a pushover at work, so use your skills to get him to take some bloody responsibility and stop being so pathetic.

I can't imagine you want to have sex with someone who acts like this.

When someone shows you who they are, believe them.

You selected an immature, irresponsible and selfish spendthrift as your offsprings' bio father.

He is extremely, extremely unlikely to change. Plan your career, finances and logistics accordingly.

Two years and she's 6 now. We're planning to have moved in together by spring 2022 which would take us nearer the 3 year mark. It's not just a new boyfriend, we have spoken about seriously making a future together and he knows that will of course include DD, and he seems willing to step up for that role.
I get you, it was me who highlighted your post it was the new boyfriend comment, as he is not new but already spent 50% of DD's life with her that is different.
I hope the move goes well.

You sound amazing and accomplished, and he is a useless and selfish dick! It kills me to read these threads. Another fabulous woman who should be loving life but in a pig of a relationship because of a lazy bastard of a man.