AIBU OH never *alone* with kids

[apmlee]

We have a toddler and a 6 month baby. My toddler has serious behaviour issues atm, he is very very emotional and tantrums a lot and baby doesn’t like to put down - so it’s a challenge. I’m on maternity leave and OH leaves for work at 7am and comes back 5pm mom-fri, then at the weekend usually 1 day at least he either arranges more work or he has plans. So I have both the kids by myself 6/7 days a week 7am-5 and I don’t drive. I usually try to do something with the both of them most days, we will go to the park, out for walks, to toddler groups and swimming, the farm etc but most of the time these don’t go smoothly and I spend it putting toddler on a makeshift timeout or baby crying and people looking at me.

I’m not trashing my OH for working or having plans, grateful for him working and totally agree he needs time out. However I also need a break and I rarely get one. I shower with both the kids in the bathroom with me, get dressed with them with me, go to the toilet holding the baby and cook/clean with baby in the carrier and watching the toddler. My OH wouldn’t dream of having a shower with them both in there with him and he doesn’t do any of the things above and everything else he needs to do he does with the luxury of time and without the kids. In the six months since we’ve had the little one he has had both the kids on his own for more than an hour only 3 times and all of those times he has gone to his parents where I know his mum will watch the kids, make him a tea and he’ll sit on his phone. I suppose what I want is for him to get some perspective - to start having them properly on his own, where he takes them out by himself or has them for a day so that he can understand what it is like for me because at the moment I feel like I don’t get a moment to myself and he doesn’t understand that maybe i don’t want to feel like it’s a luxury to have a shower alone. I go back to work full time in six months (I will be working very long hours) and he will then be quitting work to have the kids part time, I feel like he is going to be totally mentally unprepared and that a lot of the ‘load’ is going to remain with me, even though I’ll be working 8am-9/10pm some days and 8am-6pm on a good day. AIBU for wanting him to have them properly with no help and sometimes have them when he’s doing stuff to gain some perspective and so it’s not such a shock to the system when I go back to work?

The only way for him in his line of work to make more money is for him to work for himself.

As someone who has their own business, working for yourself requires huge focus, dedication, hard work, sacrifices and either a genuinely unique proposition or a highly competitive offering in an existing area. It is also a slow slog at the start and requires thick skin and a refusal to give up.

Do you really think that sounds like a job suited to your partner's personality type?

Op, your partner can't handle looking after a baby for 20 mins. You seriously think he can set up a business on his own? I doubt he will be working at all or you'll have to do the admin for him.

He has 3 kids. How can he be blindly ignorant as to what taking care of children entails?

He doesn't do the hard work because he doesn't want to do the hard work. He'd rather let you do it.

I'm not trying to hammer away at you because this must be hard. But you need to phrase it as honestly as you can, so that you can see what the majority of posters here see:
He has 3 kids
He doesn't lift a finger to look after them
He would rather you didn't bathe than leave him alone with his own children
He doesn't do any of the heavy lifting
You are burnt out with it all
He had time for hobbies and time for himself
He will soon be financially dependent on you

It's not good

He’s taking the piss and finding it hard isn’t an excuse. You are finding it hard and he seems absolutely fine with leaving it on you. He’s ADDING to how hard you are finding it. Whatever you decide to do, you have to start putting yourself first sometimes. He’s not a helpless wee boy.

Don't marry him, and don't let him quit work to become the children's primary carer. I'm sure as a solicitor you don't need to be told why. Get them settled into nursery ASAP and use the time to get a driving licence before you go back to work.

[quote thelastgoldeneagle]@whatk8ydid - Are you auditoning for a handmaiden role?

You and your partner are a team - they're really not. Where do you see any effort that he puts in?

when life is so so busy and exhausting right now - right because she's doing 100% of the parenting

His behaviour is clearly part of the problem - it's ALL the problem

If you decide what he needs to do or change, you'll likely either end up furious he hasn't done it or resentful that he's only done it because he's been told to so it doesn't feel genuine - she has asked him to step up, he hasn't. He told her not to wash her hair instead of looking after his dc for 15 mins. That's setting the bar pretty low, no? How come OP knows what has to be done and just does it? He has eyes and a brain, surely? The he can see what needs to be done. He's just choosing not to do it, because he's a lazy arse.

Stop making excuses for behaviour that is frankly inexcusable.[/quote]
👏

Absolutely all of thisl

I think you need to be realistic.

Anyone who has seen this type of scenario play out over and over can see what is coming down the track

You will go back to work. He will let his mother look after your children when they are young. He will play at setting up a business. You will get married at some point after he has done a few months being on his best behaviour and probably getting a cleaner in. The business won’t take off. Then when your children are older and he manages/likes them better you will be out on your ear living in a small flat, paying him maintenance, the mortgage and all the bills to keep your house and your children who you will see EOW.

You need to start protecting yourself.
You might be in love with him but I would question whether he just sees you as a meal ticket who does the cleaning and the childcare. I would “love” someone like that. It doesn’t mean I am in love with them

Setting up his own business sounds like an utter, utter disaster as well tbh. Why can’t he keep his current job or at least most of it and then set up freelance on the side. I think when the kids are young an employed position with holiday, parental leave etc sounds much more sensible anyway. Plus he will at least be bringing some money in rather than arsing about on his phone whilst you bankroll him as well. Sorry if that sounds cynical but you really don’t want to end up in debt as well. So another saying keep him in his job, send the kids to nursery/ his mums until he pulls his finger out.

Wow. My new partner has even offered to take my DD out to the park on his own, so I can do X Y Z that I struggle to make time for as a single mum. He doesn't even live with us yet, just visits sometimes, but DD and him do get along. She's not even his child!? I wouldn't even have to ask him to watch her while I jumped in the shower if he was there. Sometimes, when she's being difficult, end he can sense how stressed I am, he will intervene and try distracting her or asking me what he can do to help. He's not her responsibility but he wants to make things easier for me...

Funnily enough, her actual dad, was nothing like that.

He's being a selfish ignorant twat. I'd think about leaving him.

he’s leaving to take care of the children initially but to then build up his work to work for himself full time by the time they are in school / pre school.

And you really believe he is capable of looking after 2 small children and setting up a business?

If he wants to see if his business idea is viable then he should start with it before he quits. He gets home at 5 and seems that he has the evening to himself? Plenty of time to start figuring it out.

He sounds infuriating. I’d be concerned that he doesn’t work on his two days off and just doses about.

You're an intelligent,educated and accomplished woman but you tolerate your partner to be an absentee caregiver and father to your children! You're being ran into the ground to the point you cannot wash your hair?! You think he's got a successful work ethic to start a business and keep it going? Yeah,good luck with that

"Blind ignorance" OP, you are killing me.🙄

Miles ahead of you is what he is. Miles.

Mate! You have his DS 50/50? So you are also looking after DSS as well as your two? And let me guess what he does with the DS - plays video games? Watches football?

If he is primary carer you will be fucking stuck.

Wake up and smell the coffee.

Wow. My new partner has even offered to take my DD out to the park on his own, so I can do X Y Z that I struggle to make time for as a single mum.
I hope you said no.

@EmeraldShamrock

Wow. My new partner has even offered to take my DD out to the park on his own, so I can do X Y Z that I struggle to make time for as a single mum. I hope you said no.

Yes @BuckwheatJu Please don't leave your daughter alone with a new boyfriend. Most sexual assaults within the family are caused by mum's new boyfriend, and many men prey on single mums to get access to their children.

Your message set my alarm bells ringing.

So he has another child and his plan is to quit his job and set up his own business eventually. And he has no savings.

So during that time he will not be financially supporting his son.

Can you not see how wrong that is? And how far away from being a good, or even an adequate, parent that is. A parents first job is to provide for their child’s basic needs.

He doesn’t see his child basic needs as being important.

Never marry this guy OP.
Definitely get your drivers licence. I can’t believe you find it acceptable for him to say you don’t have the money fit that but it’s affordable for him to quit his job and start his own business with no plan. That’s not how people start their own businesses. They get savings so they can meet their commitments, a business plan and some kind of employment to keep them going while they get the business up and running.
If he really wanted to have a successful business he would know this and do this.

He is getting exactly what he wants here. A life where he can do want he wants with you financing it.

OP, you say you don't have the money at the moment for him to set up his business.

Where is he planning to get the money from when he quits?

Your message set my alarm bells ringing.

I've said no, we go to the park together. But are you saying that when he becomes her step-father, we get married etc he should still never be alone with her? Because that's very unrealistic.
He's not handsy with her and she annoys him as much as she does me sometimes. He is a kind man who wants to help me when he can, it's not like it comes out of the blue. I would absolutely look after his child to give him time to do things if he needed it.

Yes @BuckwheatJu Please don't leave your daughter alone with a new boyfriend

He's not just a random new boyfriend I've just met. Pretty sure if he wanted to be around my child that much he wouldn't enjoy the times when she visits extended family for long weekends so much, when we can go out and be alone and have adult time. At what point does a new partner become part of the family and allowed to act as a step father? Considering we will be moving in together soon

calendar and write my stuff in it but it gets double booked with his stuff that he gives me no notice about and I end up with the kids.

With all due respect, OP, you need to stand up for yourself, stick to your guns and go out when you have given him fair warning and tell him to suck it up. Dear Lord, he is taking the piss big time.

I think my use of "new partner" has made it seem like we've just met or something. I meant new partner as in he is my new partner, not my daughter's dad.

How long have you been together and how old is your child @BuckwheatJu? You don't need to answer obviously, I just think it's relevant to how people will think about the situation you've described.

@youvegottenminuteslynn

NC sorry

@youvegottenminuteslynn

Two years and she's 6 now. We're planning to have moved in together by spring 2022 which would take us nearer the 3 year mark. It's not just a new boyfriend, we have spoken about seriously making a future together and he knows that will of course include DD, and he seems willing to step up for that role.

I've read back on my post and can see why it sounds like he has some special interest in my daughter, but he really doesn't. I picked up on those specific things for the post because it related to looking after a child. He offers to do anything that will help me - "don't worry, I'll take the rubbish out", "I can do the laundrette for you if you want", "would you like me to do this week's shopping for you?", "I can arrange and pay for the van to take this stuff to X or pick up from Y" etc, he offers to do a wide variety of stuff that is completely unrelated to childcare, the child aspect is just another facet of "if you would like, I could do X if it would make it easier at the moment?" And if I say no he doesn't fight any of it. He wants to make me happy. He's never dated anyone with children before, has said he never saw himself in a step dad role... I know who his ex is and she has no children and they were together a long time... but since meeting me and seeing my child as an extension of me, he wants to make sure we are both happy and looked after, it's changed his perspective. He reminds me very much of my uncle, who is an amazing step father to my aunt's child by previous relationship. Or my step grandfather. My daughter is very comfortable around him and looks forward to his stays or when we visit him, she's never expressed any dislike or apprehension, it's not like I just forced this man on her, we've had talks about her feelings about him plenty of times before.

At the start, my ex was still causing issues so social services were involved, they aren't now, but I did disclose the relationship at the very beginning and he was police checked etc and no concerns were raised there.

I imagine it sounded like we'd been together a few months or something. He does enjoy our alone time, it's not like he is desperate to be alone with her, he just offers to help, like he does with any other aspect of my life, I just picked the child related ones as that's what the post was mainly about.

I feel my use of new partner was misleading, I guess after such a long long time with my ex it does feel very "new" as it's such a different relationship tbh, he does treat me so much better than my ex or any man I've had the pleasure to date before having my child. Time has gone by very quickly, it doesn't feel like 2.5 years!

Even in the earlier days, it's not like he would be bummed out if I had a babysitter and we went out on our dates or had a weekend to ourselves, he's always been really happy when we've got time just for us and we can relax more.

I'm going on now, just really feel I have the wrong impression of him there.

During the very early days, he didn't show much interest in meeting her or anything, and as time went on to where we are now, he has admitted that me having a child already, had put him off a bit at first, as I said being involved in another man's child's life wasn't something he'd ever thought he'd be happy with, so it really doesn't feel like he targeted me specifically for having a child iyswim. It's only since we've spent time together all three of us and the relationship is looking to be serious now with us planning moving in, have spoken about the possibility of getting married further down the line etc, that he has stated how he wants to be a good man for both of us, and wants to have a good relationship with DD if he is to be involved in the long term etc. As I said, she has only ever expressed to me positive things about him.