AIBU OH never *alone* with kids

[apmlee]

We have a toddler and a 6 month baby. My toddler has serious behaviour issues atm, he is very very emotional and tantrums a lot and baby doesn’t like to put down - so it’s a challenge. I’m on maternity leave and OH leaves for work at 7am and comes back 5pm mom-fri, then at the weekend usually 1 day at least he either arranges more work or he has plans. So I have both the kids by myself 6/7 days a week 7am-5 and I don’t drive. I usually try to do something with the both of them most days, we will go to the park, out for walks, to toddler groups and swimming, the farm etc but most of the time these don’t go smoothly and I spend it putting toddler on a makeshift timeout or baby crying and people looking at me.

I’m not trashing my OH for working or having plans, grateful for him working and totally agree he needs time out. However I also need a break and I rarely get one. I shower with both the kids in the bathroom with me, get dressed with them with me, go to the toilet holding the baby and cook/clean with baby in the carrier and watching the toddler. My OH wouldn’t dream of having a shower with them both in there with him and he doesn’t do any of the things above and everything else he needs to do he does with the luxury of time and without the kids. In the six months since we’ve had the little one he has had both the kids on his own for more than an hour only 3 times and all of those times he has gone to his parents where I know his mum will watch the kids, make him a tea and he’ll sit on his phone. I suppose what I want is for him to get some perspective - to start having them properly on his own, where he takes them out by himself or has them for a day so that he can understand what it is like for me because at the moment I feel like I don’t get a moment to myself and he doesn’t understand that maybe i don’t want to feel like it’s a luxury to have a shower alone. I go back to work full time in six months (I will be working very long hours) and he will then be quitting work to have the kids part time, I feel like he is going to be totally mentally unprepared and that a lot of the ‘load’ is going to remain with me, even though I’ll be working 8am-9/10pm some days and 8am-6pm on a good day. AIBU for wanting him to have them properly with no help and sometimes have them when he’s doing stuff to gain some perspective and so it’s not such a shock to the system when I go back to work?

@moovinon

I don't mean this in a rude way at all, but just don't put up with it.

Tell him you are going for a shower on your own because you are sick to death of having the children there with you. Lock the bathroom door and tough, he will have to do it. Book days out with your friends and if he double books, tough shit. You made the plans first. Just go.

I think you need to be a lot tougher with him. If it ends in an argument then so be it. He deserves for you to have a go at him for not helping. I'm a very passive person but I would be going ape shit at my partner for this.

I would actually leave a relationship for this. I have so many friends who have relationships like this and I just don't get it. Why on earth would someone stay with a man like that? Blows my mind

Totally agree.

Mumsnet is such a window into another world for me, in so many different ways.

I’m sorry OP but I definitely think you need to start thinking about how you’re going to manage on your own. Definitely take the nursery place, make sure your own career stays on track and try to establish a support network now (move close to family/ friends), save as much money as you can, and make sure your outgoings are manageable because I reckon you’ll be doing this on your own. I think the only possibility you have of trying to salvage things is going completely apeshit at him, setting some boundaries and not backing down but tbh I am not sure this is going to work. Whatever you do do not let him give up his job and look after the kids- I wouldn’t trust him to feed a cat!

So much of your partner's behaviour here is completely unreasonable. The shower thing sticks out in particular as a tiny example of his attitude towards you in general - I genuinely do not understand how he can possibly have thought he gets to tell you to have a quick shower with them or not to wash your hair when he showers alone every day What on earth is his justification for that? If he gets to do it, so do you! Ditto the calendar thing, if you'd booked your thing in in advance then how come he got to override it with his thing?? He doesn't sound very nice.

OK, OP. Write two lists.
One is yours - what time you get up, and then everything that you do for DC / house until your documented bedtime.
Then write his list.
Then sit down and say that before he jacks in his job you both NEED a dress rehearsal.
Basically, swap the names at the top of the list. So you get up when he does, do what he does, have the time out that he does. And he does your bit. All of it, no excuses.
And if he thinks it's too much then you both need to rethink the nursery situation.
My concern is that you will be busting a gut at work, OP, then will come home to have to do everything there, and he will still piss off and do his own thing at the weekend.
But at least the dress rehearsal thing would stop him quitting work. There would still be plenty of issues for you to deal with, but if you did split at least he would still be working.

Tell him that his last relationship ended because he was a useless shite with his child, and this relationship is going the same way if he doesn't buck his ideas up.

This is entirely a Him problem. He is a selfish knob who doesn't care about his children. He's not a dad, he just wants to be the fun uncle while you do all the shit work.

Don't let him give up his job. He won't be doing the housework or nurturing the children with fun activities like they'd do at nursery anyway. He might as well be earning money. Plus if he quits his job he'll be a complete financial millstone around your neck.

Please think pragmatically about your future.

Oh and driving- you can do short intensive courses over a couple of days which might be easier to manage (especially once in nursery), and yes I definitely agree that you need to get a driving licence.

There is absolutely no way he should quit his job to be their FT carer. No way. That is a clusterfuck waiting to happen. At least you aren't married and he can't subsequently cocklodge you out of pension and house equity.

(Why TF is he completely quitting anyway if his DM is going to have them two days?!)

I would say that him quitting to be a SAHD is not happening, period, until he takes care of them for an entire five day stretch on his own, and by takes care of them you mean properly, adequately and in a sustainable way. No living off chips and skipping bath, he does the job properly. He takes some leave from work, he doesn't go to his mum's, and you spend every day out of the house, and preferably the whole weekend away.

If he can't or won't do that to a decent standard, you'd be insane to do the SAHD plan. (If he finds babies and toddlers so demanding, why would he even suggest it?) Even if he's a "good dad" and I have my doubts to his older DC, it's basically on a weekend dad basis, isn't it? He hasn't done the day in day out grind of putting them first, and he never will, because he doesn't want to. Even if he came good as a dad by the time they were 6 or so still majorly doubting that over here you won't be able to stand the sight of him by that time.

OP, reading your last comment about finding dirty countertops triggering, I strongly think you’re heading for a burn-out. Which you also can’t afford from a career POV.

You know he won’t do the domestic chores properly when he becomes a SAHD. So when you get home late after an exhausting day, you’ll still have everything to do at home. You won’t get to bed before midnight most days. At weekends he’ll piss off to do his hobbies and you’ll be looking after the kids alone. He’ll pretend he’s asleep when they wake at night and you’ll be the one getting up.

After a few months of this, you’ll physically be unable to continue and then you’ll crash and burn. You’ll have to take extended time off work and even then, when you’re trying to recover, he won’t properly step up.

You need to change course now as this is coming down the track at you if you don’t.

Maybe you need to have an argument. He's going to love being at home. The kids will be in front of the box living on crisps while you do all the money earning and everything in the evening too.

@billy1966

If you allow him to stay home with those children and you want to split up he can go for primary parent.

Do you not understand basic law OP?

You are about to make a life changing mistake that could cost you your children.

He is miles ahead of you.

Miles ahead of you.

You need to cop yourself on and stop being so passive.

Unless of course you aren't pushed about keeping your children and fancy this waster threatening you down the line with taking them because he gave up his job🙄.

Your children need one decent parent.

Stop allowing him to make an absolute idiot out of you.

Your children and you deserve better.

👏👏👏

Op, he's not a good dad. He really, really isn't. He's not a good partner either. In fact he isnt a partner at all because he's making no effort.

This man won't look after HIS OWN CHILD so you can have a proper shower.

You're a lawyer, you must be intelligent enough to see how fucked up this dynamic is.

Sometimes in a relationship it's a case of compromise and pointing out things the other person might not have realised were hurtful or unhelpful.

But he knows what he's doing. Or not doing in his case. He KNOWS you need support, he KNOWS you need a shower and to wash your hair, he KNOWS you're exhausted.

He simply doesn't give enough of a fuck about you or his own children to make any effort.

You say he's a 'good dad' to his older one so you think he just finds the baby and toddler stage hard. Do women get the chance to opt out of parenting until kids are the age they like? That's a serious question - how can you think that makes him a good dad? It makes him an even shitter one because he's perfectly capable of engaging with his kids but only once they're an age he finds less effort!

You're letting a man run rings around you, a man either so careless or so stupid he's already endangered your baby by basically waterboarding them as you said. A man so useless he can't hold his own child while his partner washes herself.

What on earth are you thinking staying with this man?

What kind of relationship modelling is this going to be for your kids? Women (in this case their mum and grandma) do absolutely everything and men (their dad) do the bits they like. That's what they will learn. That's what they'll think is normal and healthy.

He's vile. I couldn't love someone so utterly selfish and stupid.

He’s going to be in for the shock of his life when he has the two of them, alone, together

It seems that you’re keen to avoid an argument and that’s fair enough, but, I don’t think you’re going to get anywhere without that happening sadly.

Although it feels awful now, you are in a good position. You’re swamped but you have a career and earning potential.

I would stop asking for his opinion and so what is best for you and your kids. Little one in nursery makes life easier? Do it. Learning to drive makes life easier. Do it.

And when he wants to know why you’re overruling him, tell him straight. Show me you can cope and you can have them. Otherwise we stay as we are and you can help pay for it!

You go out and leave him alone with the kids at weekends.. Simple as that.

What he does when he's alone with the kids is not your concern; your task is to have time and headspace to yourself NOT thinking about kids/him/house. Have fun, do your own thing. Gradually extend the time he spends with them from a morning, to 5 or six hours (includes a mealtime and naps) to all day. Don't question him about what they did /ate/cried/poohed etc in his time with them.

OP, how often does he see his older child? Because it's super easy to be a disney dad every second weekend. It's the day to day drudgery that's hard.
And nobody finds babies and toddlers easy. Do you find taking care of them easy? No? So you can also then opt out?

@apmlee I think your DH giving up his job is a really bad idea. I understand that he won't effectively be bringing any money into the family finances if you're also paying childcare, but that's the case for a lot of people with 2 young kids there are a whole lot of other benefits to staying in the workplace and contributing to a pension etc.

I think you should both work full time and put the kids into childcare 3 days a week and with your MIL 2 days a week. Then everything is equal and you both share childcare duties and housework etc on the weekends/evenings.

If he's at home 3 days with the kids and at home 2 days on his own doing not very much, then no doubt childcare and housework will fall to you on the weekend and you'll just end up frazzled.

OP,

You sound determined to stick to your naive narrative.

His ex rightly identified him as a waster and kicked him to touch, so he moved onto his next victim.

You have been given advice.

You have a really hard life ahead of you, being so determined not to help yourself.

He is a waster.

@billy1966

OP,

You sound determined to stick to your naive narrative.

His ex rightly identified him as a waster and kicked him to touch, so he moved onto his next victim.

You have been given advice.

You have a really hard life ahead of you, being so determined not to help yourself.

He is a waster.

This to be honest. Stop whining and put up with your life because you think he is a good dad and a good partner. He isn't, but you're happy to believe that while also complaining about him. Can't have it both ways. He is either shit or he isn't.

He is a shit dad and a shit partner, and it's taken you having two kids with him AND knowing his history to figure that out, but you're still convinced he will change. He won't. Even when they get older.

Don't come back complaining about him in future because you've been told. He is a useless twat. Nothing more to it. You are on your own with two kids.

We have 50/50 split with child’s mother. I completely agree that he shouldn’t be able to have a break. This is where my frustration comes from. I think it’s blind ignorance on his behalf. I’ll definitely be asking him to trial having the kids before we make a decision on his job. To clear a few things up, my toddler trying to give my baby his drink happened on my watch not my OH. I went upstairs for a split second to get something and left them together (baby in what I thought was a safe space). This is why I take her to the bathroom with me now.

Secondly, he has no development or future earning prospects in his current employment. The only way for him in his line of work to make more money is for him to work for himself. This is why he’s leaving, to take care of the children initially but to then build up his work to work for himself full time by the time they are in school / pre school. That is why his mum is having them 2 days a week - so that he can do some of that work still, it just isn’t reliable at this point.

Oh and yes, why is is quitting his job if you have already agreed he will have kids part time only? Can't he work part time? What is he planning to do with his free days - does not sound like he's likely do deep-clean the house.

Ah cross post. Setting up a business is hard - does he have a business plan together or just planning to see what happens?

Just planning to see what happens. We don’t have the money for him to completely set up so it’s gradual thing (flexibility to do 2 days a week work if it’s there and 3 days with the kids), then ease into more days work as they start school.

It really, really isn’t “blind ignorance”; he’s been there before. He KNOWS how hard/exhausting it is and yet and yet….

I understand about his job as I’ve been in that situation myself with little development/prospects. Does he actually have a plan, contacts, a good reputation in his field? Or is it something he’ll play at and then pack in altogether as he can’t make it work?

No this is not how it works. Being self-employed is really challenging. I don't know his field of expertise, but I can't really imagine any with reasonable earning potential, where you can sit at home and wait for the work to magically appear.

What are these "plans" he makes at the weekend or things he keeps putting in the shared calendar? Once you have kids, they are your weekend plans first, and then you discuss with your partner who gets to take time out. It sounds like he hasn't realised that his kids now come first.

Who looks after his dc that you have 50/50? Does he do the majority of looking after them, or is it you? Let me guess....

Setting up his own business: NO. JUST NO. What business plan does he have? What experience has he got of running his own business?? What marketable skills does he have? Can he advertise, market himself, find clients, do invoices and all work-related admin AS WELL AS whatever the business actually involves? How much money does he need to buy goods/things to sell/to set up?

What kind of business does he want to set up?

No way in hell would I let him set up his own business now. He'll spend all hours doing that and neglect the dc - it's very hard to set up a business around looking after small children, even if you're hard-working and motivated. You'll lend him money or he'll borrow money and get into debt. you'll be left to pay all the bills as his business won't make any money. And he'll be 'too busy' with it to do any housework or chores.