Page 3 | AIBU OH never *alone* with kids

apmlee · 2021-07-04T21:48:45+00:00

We have a toddler and a 6 month baby. My toddler has serious behaviour issues atm, he is very very emotional and tantrums a lot and baby doesn’t like to put down - so it’s a challenge. I’m on maternity leave and OH leaves for work at 7am and comes back 5pm mom-fri, then at the weekend usually 1 day at least he either arranges more work or he has plans. So I have both the kids by myself 6/7 days a week 7am-5 and I don’t drive. I usually try to do something with the both of them most days, we will go to the park, out for walks, to toddler groups and swimming, the farm etc but most of the time these don’t go smoothly and I spend it putting toddler on a makeshift timeout or baby crying and people looking at me. I’m not trashing my OH for working or having plans, grateful for him working and totally agree he needs time out. However I also need a break and I rarely get one. I shower with both the kids in the bathroom with me, get dressed with them with me, go to the toilet holding the baby and cook/clean with baby in the carrier and watching the toddler. My OH wouldn’t dream of having a shower with them both in there with him and he doesn’t do any of the things above and everything else he needs to do he does with the luxury of time and without the kids. In the six months since we’ve had the little one he has had both the kids on his own for more than an hour only 3 times and all of those times he has gone to his parents where I know his mum will watch the kids, make him a tea and he’ll sit on his phone. I suppose what I want is for him to get some perspective - to start having them *properly* on his own, where he takes them out by himself or has them for a day so that he can understand what it is like for me because at the moment I feel like I don’t get a moment to myself and he doesn’t understand that maybe i don’t want to feel like it’s a luxury to have a shower alone. I go back to work full time in six months (I will be working very long hours) and he will then be quitting work to have the kids part time, I feel like he is going to be totally mentally unprepared and that a lot of the ‘load’ is going to remain with me, even though I’ll be working 8am-9/10pm some days and 8am-6pm on a good day. AIBU for wanting him to have them properly with no help and sometimes have them when he’s doing stuff to gain some perspective and so it’s not such a shock to the system when I go back to work?

PizzaBreath · 05/07/2021 02:09

You’re obviously not being unreasonable, I can almost guarantee if you did just hand them over to him, he’ll be off to see his mum to dump the load on her.

SmackMyAssnCallMeJudy · 05/07/2021 02:22

I don’t mind him taking them to his parents per se it’s more the issue of he’s never ever had them alone for more than an hour and I need him to understand what that’s like.

You need him to understand what it’s like??

Believe me - he fully understands what it’s like - which is why he moves heaven and earth to avoid it!

He is being monumentally unfair. These are both your kids, and a baby and a toddler is unrelenting.

You can’t go on like this. He needs to figure out a way to co-parent with you.

Go to him - and ask him what he suggests.

I also don’t understand why the double bookings mean you lose out and are left holding the baby - WTF’s that about?

FlowerArranger · 05/07/2021 02:36

@apmlee - this isn't going to work. You working nearly 60 hours a week and him supposedly looking after two little children, even though he has NEVER looked after them on his own?

He will farm them out to his mum, and they will be indulged rather than looked after in an age appropriate way. He'll continue to be a lazy waste of space.

And who will do the cooking, cleaning, shopping, admin, et cetera?.

DeRigueurMortis · 05/07/2021 02:52

@User1357

It’s mental. We've been together for years, and very happy. Didn’t have our first until we had been together for 5 years. Then Realised I was by far the better parent.

I mean there are times I think of leaving because I find it really bloody unattractive but ultimately when I weigh up the pros and cons the pros win.

If I had to Summarise him I would say he is a complete workaholic that loves having a family around but only wants to fully participate 60% of the time at best.

As a family we have a very nice life and the children are very happy but truthfully that Is only because I am here and constantly pull him up to standard.

When I bring it up, I am very blunt, I know he cares to an extent because he will attempt to change things but ultimately I think he’s just more selfish than I am.

You're right - it's mental.

In all honesty I couldn't live, never mind love a man like this.

Nanny0gg · 05/07/2021 03:23

@apmlee

So I can’t drive because I haven’t passed my test yet. I am fairly young and at the start of my career so whilst I earn a lot more than him I am definitely at the lower end of the spectrum in terms of salary for a solicitor at the moment so money is tightish. I did have some lessons when I was working but I found it difficult to fit them in to my work lunch hour and it just didn’t work as I kept having to cancel them. I have talked to OH about having some lessons now but he doesn’t think we have the money. Another issue all together, but I saved roughly seven grand to help with bills whilst on maternity leave that is in our joint account and he saved absolutely nothing.

Oh boy. He’s seen you coming!

You need to make realistic plans that don’t include him giving up work

SmackMyAssnCallMeJudy · 05/07/2021 03:26

Agree. He is taking you for a complete mug.

zoeydollie · 05/07/2021 03:53

Wait, so he's becoming a sahd because he can't be bothered to do nursery drop off and pick up..?

Things need to change asap. I'd bring your back to work date sooner as the longer you leave things the more entrenched your roles become.

Stop asking if you can please go and have a shower. Hand him the baby when he gets in from work and disappear. Have a bath, do your nails, let him give them tea.
Do you have parents you can go and visit? Go when he gets in at 5 on a Friday and get back Sunday night. Even if he goes to mummy for help he will still have to do some parenting.
If he's home at 5pm he can do tea-bath-bed every day. Start planning things that mean you leave at 5.10pm every day - go for a run, sit in a cafe, visit a friend. Be more him - refuse to help, prioritise yourself, go out.

LagunaBubbles · 05/07/2021 04:02

will admit that I actually became so concerned about leaving them for more than a few hours that I left my job and I am now working two evenings 6-12pm. He would tell me I am being silly but I knew the children would suffer

This is the saddest thing I've read for ages can't understand why anyone is with a partner they don't trust with their children.

Snakebyte · 05/07/2021 04:57

Have you considered a nanny who comes to your house every day to look after the children. This is what we did. You and your partner both continue working full time. It takes up a big chunk of money - consider it as 50% coming from you and 50% coming from him - but at least then you can both continue your careers and all the benefit that brings.

ChrissyPlummer · 05/07/2021 05:09

YANBU about your partner…but you do sound a teeny bit of a martyr TBH. Why are you holding the baby going to the loo? Just put them down somewhere safe for the 3 minutes it takes, if they cry so what? Don’t say you’re washing your hair etc., just say “I’m going for a shower now Jim” if he asks how long it takes “As long as it takes”.

Does your toddler go to any nursery/childcare setting?

NumberTheory · 05/07/2021 05:12

I saved roughly seven grand to help with bills whilst on maternity leave that is in our joint account and he saved absolutely nothing.

Is this difference in how much you saved a reasonable amount because of the difference in your incomes or is it partly that and partly that he made no sacrifices while you did?

Mummyoflittledragon · 05/07/2021 05:52

Read and re read what DeRigeurMortis wrote and get very annoyed.

You’re a lawyer. You know how it works. You’ll stay together and if you split in 10 years time when you’ve finally had enough of this waster, he will get majority custody, spousal support if he decides to give up work, over 50% of your home and a big chunk of the mortgage. And all that time, he won’t have been caring for your DC’s all along. His mum will have. The mum you don’t want to be in charge again.

Please have a look at the way you’re thinking about this. It is not at all uncommon for the lesser paid parent to effectively be working for free or even for minus amounts. His continuing to work full time is about taking the hit financially short term for the long term gain of protecting your finances and position as a parent.

As a lawyer, your salary will increase pretty rapidly, I imagine so the financial hit won’t last long really. And please, get those driving lessons booked. His mum can look after the kids if necessary for those. Get yourself a nanny / childminder / nursery place. And remember if grandma has them once a week, if you do split, she will have visitation rights.

Please start thinking with your lawyer head. This man isn’t a good dad or a good husband. He can’t even be arsed to look after his kids for 15 mins while you shower.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 05/07/2021 06:18

@Mummyoflittledragon

Read and re read what DeRigeurMortis wrote and get very annoyed.

You’re a lawyer. You know how it works. You’ll stay together and if you split in 10 years time when you’ve finally had enough of this waster, he will get majority custody, spousal support if he decides to give up work, over 50% of your home and a big chunk of the mortgage. And all that time, he won’t have been caring for your DC’s all along. His mum will have. The mum you don’t want to be in charge again.

Please have a look at the way you’re thinking about this. It is not at all uncommon for the lesser paid parent to effectively be working for free or even for minus amounts. His continuing to work full time is about taking the hit financially short term for the long term gain of protecting your finances and position as a parent.

As a lawyer, your salary will increase pretty rapidly, I imagine so the financial hit won’t last long really. And please, get those driving lessons booked. His mum can look after the kids if necessary for those. Get yourself a nanny / childminder / nursery place. And remember if grandma has them once a week, if you do split, she will have visitation rights.

Please start thinking with your lawyer head. This man isn’t a good dad or a good husband. He can’t even be arsed to look after his kids for 15 mins while you shower.

OP please read this brilliant post a few times and let us know what you think.

Please start thinking with your lawyer head. This man isn’t a good dad or a good husband. He can’t even be arsed to look after his kids for 15 mins while you shower.

This is bang on. How anyone could call this man a good husband or dad is beyond me.

WizardOfAus · 05/07/2021 06:45

This is a post from another parenting site, but it relates to your current position.

(This post is specifically geared at women in heterosexual relationships.) Ok ladies, we need to talk.

Every few weeks there's a post that makes the admin team spend a day debating if we should say something or not. These posts are always on the same theme; husbands who are not pulling their weight.

Well, after just reading a post from this week were a whopping 4 HUNDRED of you commented in solidarity with the OP I've decided today is the day we say something.

Household chore inequity and child care inequality is a form of domestic abuse. It forces women to work themselves into exhaustion and illness, whilst men buy their free time with female exhaustion.

No one wants to see themselves as being in an abusive relationship. It means acknowledging that someone you love, someone you married or committed to, someone you chose to have children with is taking advantage of you and that hurts on so many levels.

it's heartbreaking to acknowledge, but acknowledge it we must.

If your husband or partner is capable of working at their job without being micromanaged and given extremely explicit instructions, then they are capable of contributing fairly at home without being given extremely explicit instructions and micromanaged. If they act like they are incapable they are gaslighting you.

If they were capable of living independently without living in a rat-infested pigsty without any clean clothes and living off pizza, then they are capable of ensuring children are fed and clothed, groceries are done, and household chores are shared equally. If they act like they are incapable they are gaslighting you.

If they claim they love you and yet your health comes secondary to their leisure, they're gaslighting you.

If they claim they can't possibly function and it would be unsafe for them to work with broken sleep, but it's totally fine for you to have to work, drive and do all the household chores and childcare on broken sleep, they're taking advantage of you.

If they say they are going to get up in the night and help but when the time comes the pretend to be asleep/complain, they're gaslighting you.

If they don't even actually try to settle the baby and had bub back almost immediately with "they just want you:", they're gaslighting you.

If your health, sanity, sleep, work, or self-esteem are suffering because you are the one doing everything, whilst they leverage your exhaustion into their free time, they're abusing you.
Like other forms of abuse, it will not get better on its own. It's not an accident.

So please ladies. Please stop laughing it off as "just men"

It's not just men. It's purposeful.

It might not be consciously purposeful, but it is still purposeful. They know they can get away with it.

one of you being on antidepressants because your husband won't help raise the children he fathered is one too many. 400+ of you being exhausted to the brink of PND and breakdowns is heartbreaking for us to watch.

You can't fix this by night weaning. Or sleep training. Or bedsharing, or chore charts, or even kicking hubby into the spare room. There are only two things that will fix this - therapy, or leaving.

I am sorry.

CelestialGalaxy · 05/07/2021 06:50

I realise covid has been going on, but is/does MIL do/go anywhere so that you could schedule something for yourself for when she is unavailable and therefore OH would have to look after them?
I had a crappy ex like this who when we split moved in with his parents so they could help with childcare and even though he could afford to move out he only did 4 years later when they were fully independent so he literally doesnt have to do anything for them (except cook and drive then to school and back) and now he gets his girlfriend to come round to help entertain them
I think this is very common.

TrufflyPig · 05/07/2021 06:51

Aside from this our relationship is great and he is hands on with the kids but only with me there

Out of interest if you are both there who deals with things when shit hits the fan (e.g toddler meltdown, massive baby sick/poo incidents)? Who gets everything organised to go out? Who plans all the activities?

Billybagpuss · 05/07/2021 06:52

I think plan number 1, get that driving licence and he needs to look after dc while you are doing it.

DeathStare · 05/07/2021 06:52

@WizardOfAus