AIBU OH never *alone* with kids

[apmlee]

We have a toddler and a 6 month baby. My toddler has serious behaviour issues atm, he is very very emotional and tantrums a lot and baby doesn’t like to put down - so it’s a challenge. I’m on maternity leave and OH leaves for work at 7am and comes back 5pm mom-fri, then at the weekend usually 1 day at least he either arranges more work or he has plans. So I have both the kids by myself 6/7 days a week 7am-5 and I don’t drive. I usually try to do something with the both of them most days, we will go to the park, out for walks, to toddler groups and swimming, the farm etc but most of the time these don’t go smoothly and I spend it putting toddler on a makeshift timeout or baby crying and people looking at me.

I’m not trashing my OH for working or having plans, grateful for him working and totally agree he needs time out. However I also need a break and I rarely get one. I shower with both the kids in the bathroom with me, get dressed with them with me, go to the toilet holding the baby and cook/clean with baby in the carrier and watching the toddler. My OH wouldn’t dream of having a shower with them both in there with him and he doesn’t do any of the things above and everything else he needs to do he does with the luxury of time and without the kids. In the six months since we’ve had the little one he has had both the kids on his own for more than an hour only 3 times and all of those times he has gone to his parents where I know his mum will watch the kids, make him a tea and he’ll sit on his phone. I suppose what I want is for him to get some perspective - to start having them properly on his own, where he takes them out by himself or has them for a day so that he can understand what it is like for me because at the moment I feel like I don’t get a moment to myself and he doesn’t understand that maybe i don’t want to feel like it’s a luxury to have a shower alone. I go back to work full time in six months (I will be working very long hours) and he will then be quitting work to have the kids part time, I feel like he is going to be totally mentally unprepared and that a lot of the ‘load’ is going to remain with me, even though I’ll be working 8am-9/10pm some days and 8am-6pm on a good day. AIBU for wanting him to have them properly with no help and sometimes have them when he’s doing stuff to gain some perspective and so it’s not such a shock to the system when I go back to work?

When youngest is in full time nursery at 3 I will go back to 3 days a week (after taking a bit of a career hit!)

What have i just read? why are so many people on mumsnet so prepared to accept such absolute shit co-parents?

OP, your relationship doesn’t sound great and it is difficult to see how it will work over the long term. Your husband is clearly not providing you with proper support but maybe you need guidance from your health visitor regarding managing your toddler’s tantrums. Furthermore, when you need to use the bathroom or cook, place the children in a safe place as there is no need for you to take them to the loo or cook with them strapped to your body.

Agree with pp's.
You will end up supporting this waste of space father for 16 years.
God help you.

Thats awful behaviour and not normal at all. We have 2 children, my husband works all week sometimes a Sunday too, but still wants to be with the children. He is always telling me to have a break, and go out with friends or something. What is the point of your partner? Seriously what does he do for you?

Learn to drive while you are on maternity leave. Don't ask permission, do it.

I am raging for you about how shit your husband is. In absolutely every way. What an absolute dud he is.

He's gonna have a shock when he takes over!!!! Why are your working hours so long? Are you happy working these hours? With young children, I wouldn't want to be away from them this long! You will miss them growing up OP

I know this isn't the main point, but it kept out at me that you never have a shower or go to the toilet on your own. I don't think that's good for you. Surely the kids can be in their cots for that length of time. Anx if they cry, they cry

Ok so going to push the issue of driving lessons because that would help loads. And on the baby subject, honestly there have been a few incidents that have scared me when I’ve left baby for a moment - for example my toddler got his drink and tried to feed her it whilst she was lying down in her cot - she basically got waterboarded. I had only gone for a moment. So I tend to always have one with me so they’re not left alone together, and baby cries whenever put down.

And on the OH, we are not married but we have been together a long time and our relationship pre kids was great. He also does do house admin like grocery shopping but for example I have asked him to take the kids with him on occasion so I can have a break and he’s said no because it’s too difficult. He will have the kids separately absolutely fine, so for a break I will go out with just the baby.

We discussed nursery and went to visit one. I was pro nursery but OH isn’t as he thinks our littlest will be too small for nursery. He is the one that wants to quit and have the kids, I just think he’s going to be totally unprepared because he’s not pushing himself out of his comfort zone and doing it now.

I think to a degree you created this situation by doing all the work with the kids. For example showers. Why don't you leave the kids with him whilst you shower alone, then both bathe the kids together.
You say he plans something for 1 day over the weekend, why don't you plan something for just you on the other day. Start with lunch with friends and build the time up bit by bit until he's doing a full day.
Yes he works, yes he needs a break, but looking after kids too is also work and you need a break to.
I would also change the weekday routine. He starts work early, so you sort and dress kids in the morning, then do your activities. He comes home, he sorts the kids ready for bed in the evening. You don't need to be doing everything on your own

How on earth can anyone say they 'have a good relationship' with their DH but he doesn't even take care of his own child to allow his wife to have a shower in peace.

So, so many posts on this theme, it is more than depressing. Why set the bar so low for your relationship?

Oh dear op, for someone so smart, you have been and are continuing to be so stupid and blind to him.

He is not a good partner. He won't even help for 20 mins so you can wash your hair. He doesn't care about your needs or hygiene.

He isn't a hands on dad (where the fuck did you get that bullshit from?). He will play with them, while being supervised by you. That's his shit of an adult he is, he needs supervised by another adult.

He will not under any circumstances be working on those two days his mum takes the kids. He will be sleeping or doing nothing. No housework either. Oh and he will probably end up quitting work altogether because 'it's not worthwhile anyway as I'm not getting paid enough', but your kids will go to his mum full time, they will become badly behaved and he again, won't do housework and will sit on his ass, aging and getting fat.

That's your future. You working hard, doing all the housework, all childcare while they aren't with his mum, everything. If you think otherwise, you're a damn fool and you need to wake up and see sense. He is useless. He is not a good partner. He is not a good dad. Wake up and see that.

I also try to hand baby to him to go and do stuff but he’ll hand her back because he needs to get x,y,z done

So the default, in his mind, is that you have the baby. That's problematic - there shouldn't be a "default" parent.

The answer to this is that you need to start behaving in the same way, to show him the issue here. When he hands her back, don't take her. Say you need to get x,y,z done, and simply go and do it. That's what he does to you. Why does his x,y,z get priority above yours?

Seriously, just leave the baby with him and go and do your thing. If he gets mad about it, just bring up one of the ten thousand examples when he has left the baby with you to go and do his thing.

Yes this will cause arguments and problems in your relationship, but there is already a huge problem here, and if you don't address it then you are going to be his doormat for the rest of your life.

@WizardOfAus

This is a post from another parenting site, but it relates to your current position.

(This post is specifically geared at women in heterosexual relationships.) Ok ladies, we need to talk.

Every few weeks there's a post that makes the admin team spend a day debating if we should say something or not. These posts are always on the same theme; husbands who are not pulling their weight.

Well, after just reading a post from this week were a whopping 4 HUNDRED of you commented in solidarity with the OP I've decided today is the day we say something.

Household chore inequity and child care inequality is a form of domestic abuse. It forces women to work themselves into exhaustion and illness, whilst men buy their free time with female exhaustion.

No one wants to see themselves as being in an abusive relationship. It means acknowledging that someone you love, someone you married or committed to, someone you chose to have children with is taking advantage of you and that hurts on so many levels.

it's heartbreaking to acknowledge, but acknowledge it we must.

If your husband or partner is capable of working at their job without being micromanaged and given extremely explicit instructions, then they are capable of contributing fairly at home without being given extremely explicit instructions and micromanaged. If they act like they are incapable they are gaslighting you.

If they were capable of living independently without living in a rat-infested pigsty without any clean clothes and living off pizza, then they are capable of ensuring children are fed and clothed, groceries are done, and household chores are shared equally. If they act like they are incapable they are gaslighting you.

If they claim they love you and yet your health comes secondary to their leisure, they're gaslighting you.

If they claim they can't possibly function and it would be unsafe for them to work with broken sleep, but it's totally fine for you to have to work, drive and do all the household chores and childcare on broken sleep, they're taking advantage of you.

If they say they are going to get up in the night and help but when the time comes the pretend to be asleep/complain, they're gaslighting you.

If they don't even actually try to settle the baby and had bub back almost immediately with "they just want you:", they're gaslighting you.

If your health, sanity, sleep, work, or self-esteem are suffering because you are the one doing everything, whilst they leverage your exhaustion into their free time, they're abusing you.
Like other forms of abuse, it will not get better on its own. It's not an accident.

So please ladies. Please stop laughing it off as "just men"

It's not just men. It's purposeful.

It might not be consciously purposeful, but it is still purposeful. They know they can get away with it.

one of you being on antidepressants because your husband won't help raise the children he fathered is one too many. 400+ of you being exhausted to the brink of PND and breakdowns is heartbreaking for us to watch.

You can't fix this by night weaning. Or sleep training. Or bedsharing, or chore charts, or even kicking hubby into the spare room. There are only two things that will fix this - therapy, or leaving.

I am sorry.

Fabulous post!

Honestly, get angry about it, it’s pathetic that he will not look after his own children so you can wash your hair. He would prefer that you feel unclean and have dirty hair than to watch his own children for 15 minutes.
If you proceed with the plan of him bring a SAHD how does he think he’ll cope if he won’t do 15 minutes currently? Ask him this.
The SAHD plan is going to be an abject failure, it can’t possibly work. Get your driving lessons ASAP and tell him you need a frank discussion on changing the arrangements as currently he is unwilling and unable to look after his own children.

So he has already said he wouldn’t be leaving early to do pick up. He says no, he won't take the kids to give you a break. And he also decides what you are allowed to spend your personal savings on and what you are allowed or not allowed to do? While you also earn the bulk of the household income. Why does he think he's the boss who can pick and choose and decide?

Honestly OP, you need to re-evaluate your plans. A father who won't even give you a break wants to be a SAHD? You will end up working your long hours and doing everything on top of it as well, as he just can't cope and it's too difficult. Or he simply refuses. While he sits on his arse at home. You will burn out.

Get the driving lessons, don't ask for his permission. As the first step.

Have you looked into a full time nanny who could be there before you leave for work, and leave as soon as he comes come. Yes he may take his wage but she is more likely to follow boundaries, rules etc that you want the kids to follow. He can then have kids, bathe them, feed them and get them to bed on the days you work late. But bathe and feed them so they are ready for bed for the days you get home earlier. You can then read to them and put them to bed

I would increase the number of times he takes them, and not worry too much at the moment whether he uses his parents or not. If he takes them while you go for a shower, he's not about to take them to his parents for that.

Go for your shower, insist on respecting the calendar - if your things are on there first, you get the time out of the house and he stays home with the kids (this one might take an argument when he has to miss his things once or twice). Prioritise yourself for a bit, and he'll have to get used to having them more often.

@PopcornMuncher

I think you need to sit down.and chat about this. If he wont agree to you both being equal without causing an agument you have your answer - LTB

Agreed.

Does it really matter if his parents help as long as you're getting a break? Seriously, choose your battles. Now is not the time to play the tit for tat game. You need rest.

Yes definitely push the driving lessons, but also don’t get married.

For perspective, my husband and I are seperated but still living together. He works full time.

He looks after the kids while I work. He will look after the kids while I go and enjoy a hobby 3 times a week. He looks after the kids while I undertake part time study. He will remind the kids/stop them for interrupting me when I'm showering/getting on with chores. Your partner is meant to love you but he won't even let you attend to your own hygiene. Book your driving lessons, leave the kids with him and then drive, drive, drive fast away from him.

Oh and he won't be looking after his kids when you go back to work, his mum will.

@Beachbabe1

He's gonna have a shock when he takes over!!!! Why are your working hours so long? Are you happy working these hours? With young children, I wouldn't want to be away from them this long! You will miss them growing up OP

Don't start that bullshit. There are some mums who don't have a choice but to work long hours. Stop trying to make people geek guilty.

*feel guilty.

If he takes them while you go for a shower

He doesn't. He refuses to look after his own children even for 15 min so OP can wash her hair.

And wants to be a SAHD. Meaning he will drop the kids to his mum, who will let them do whatever they want and spends his days playing with his phone, while OP finances everything. Oh of course OP is the one who has prepared the outfits and spares and changing bags, prepared all their meals with instructions and is expected to rush back from work to give her P a 'break' from all his hard work.