AIBU OH never *alone* with kids

[apmlee]

We have a toddler and a 6 month baby. My toddler has serious behaviour issues atm, he is very very emotional and tantrums a lot and baby doesn’t like to put down - so it’s a challenge. I’m on maternity leave and OH leaves for work at 7am and comes back 5pm mom-fri, then at the weekend usually 1 day at least he either arranges more work or he has plans. So I have both the kids by myself 6/7 days a week 7am-5 and I don’t drive. I usually try to do something with the both of them most days, we will go to the park, out for walks, to toddler groups and swimming, the farm etc but most of the time these don’t go smoothly and I spend it putting toddler on a makeshift timeout or baby crying and people looking at me.

I’m not trashing my OH for working or having plans, grateful for him working and totally agree he needs time out. However I also need a break and I rarely get one. I shower with both the kids in the bathroom with me, get dressed with them with me, go to the toilet holding the baby and cook/clean with baby in the carrier and watching the toddler. My OH wouldn’t dream of having a shower with them both in there with him and he doesn’t do any of the things above and everything else he needs to do he does with the luxury of time and without the kids. In the six months since we’ve had the little one he has had both the kids on his own for more than an hour only 3 times and all of those times he has gone to his parents where I know his mum will watch the kids, make him a tea and he’ll sit on his phone. I suppose what I want is for him to get some perspective - to start having them properly on his own, where he takes them out by himself or has them for a day so that he can understand what it is like for me because at the moment I feel like I don’t get a moment to myself and he doesn’t understand that maybe i don’t want to feel like it’s a luxury to have a shower alone. I go back to work full time in six months (I will be working very long hours) and he will then be quitting work to have the kids part time, I feel like he is going to be totally mentally unprepared and that a lot of the ‘load’ is going to remain with me, even though I’ll be working 8am-9/10pm some days and 8am-6pm on a good day. AIBU for wanting him to have them properly with no help and sometimes have them when he’s doing stuff to gain some perspective and so it’s not such a shock to the system when I go back to work?

Thank goodness you haven't married this waster.

He won't even mind them so you can wash your hair and you think he is going to look after two children he doesn't know for full days.

Kindly, don't be ridiculous.
Childminder or nursery and protect yourself.

You might need to put your adversarial lawyer hat on and have the argument, OP. You might also need to plan for the paid childcare and have your DP 'working for free'. Does he want to go PT so he can leave the DC with his DM and have a break/play on his mobile/golf/??? If so then it might be a 'put up or shut up' opportunity, he shows you he can demonstrate some responsibility for looking after his own children on his own or PT working goes out of the window and you have a few years with no net gain from his working. OTherwise, as you say, you might inherit DC with your MIL's parenting baked in.

"He thinks I am being unreasonable for wanting him to deliberately have a difficult time on his own," is a pretty cruel and grim observation as he's happy for you to have that almost all the time. How do you develop a good relationship with your own children? Not by never taking the training wheels off.

Good luck.

I earn significantly more than him because I am a lawyer so from a financial perspective it makes sense for me to go to work and for him to stay off. If we paid for childcare he would basically be working for free

It's not the point of your post, but I suggest changing the way you think about this. Childcare should be a joint cost, so as long as his earnings cover 50% of the cost of childcare, it's worthwhile for him to work. Plus there are many advantages to staying in work in terms of mental health, future earning potential etc (Unless you are truly on the breadline that is). If he gives up work, you should probably pay into a pension on his behalf.

From what you've said about his mother, it really doesn't sound ideal to rely on her for regular childcare. Are you going to pay her?

In your situation I would seriously consider both parents working part time and use paid childcare. Save grandma for occasional baby sitting or emergencies.

So I think he sees working as the reason/excuse why he doesn’t do the hard stuff and he gets to have his time to do what he needs to do without the kids and then he expects that to just swap around when I go back to work but I don’t think he understands how hard he’s going to find it. In terms of nursery / childminder if we did this then OH would need to work full time as well and he starts work at 7am and has already said he wouldn’t be leaving early to do pick up. I don’t drive so I would be having to use public transport to go drop of kids in the morning before work which would be difficult for me logistically and then I’d be hindering my career having to leave early to go get them and I’d probably be looking after them in the evening and then I’d have to log on at night to finish work from home.

I understand why he's being a SAHD. But not why his mother is having the kids so he can sit at home and do what??

but I suggest changing the way you think about this. Childcare should be a joint cost, so as long as his earnings cover 50% of the cost of childcare, it's worthwhile for him to work less of an issue on ops wages but this really doesn't work for many families. Of I earn 1500 and DH earns 1500 and childcare costs 1600 then yes we each have 700 left but of the bills come to 2000 that doesn't help. Saying you only have to cover half doesn't help if what your left with isn't enough to cover your half of everything else

She actually offered to have them full time but I said no. She had my first full time and we paid her. She did not ever tell my child no, if he had a tantrum she would give him treats or distract him, and I felt like I couldn’t talk to her about it. She was just grandma with him all the time which I understand but it was not of a benefit to him as he finds it very difficult now for instance if i do not give him a chocolate bar at 9am or if I do not buy him a toy when we are out (as his grandma would). She doesn’t work so she has offered to have them two days a week to help OH have a break / on those days I think he will either maybe organise his own work or do his own thing but it is not reliable and consistent work so we’ve not factored it in to our finances.

Is there a health reason that you don’t drive? I only ask because here’s what I’m afraid might eventually happen: you’re going to decide that you can’t stand him, his lack of respect or support, or his mother enabling him, any longer. Then, if you’ve let him be the “stay at home dad” when really he’s been having your kids at MIL’s house damn near every day, he will try to take you for everything in the divorce by claiming he’s the resident parent, and then let MIL raise your kids while he cashes the checks. If, on the other hand, he goes back to work and somehow convinces you to let MIL be the primary caretaker, she may actually try to get grandparental rights when you divorce, and I know we argue a lot about how they work in the UK but she might actually have a case? So, the absolute best option is: him working, you working, you driving so you have as much freedom from him as possible, and and using nursery. If you driving isn’t an option though, I understand.

OP,
If you think you are stressed now, wait till you have returned to work and that waster has given up work and his mother is minding the children while you pay for it all.

Stop thinking about how it might be and start looking at the reality of your situation.

He doesn't want to look after his children for 20 minutes on his own....that is the reality.

You need to be planning for that.

This is really evil and I don't reccomend but for shits & giggles....Any chance you can get hold of a positive lateral flow test OP?

You'll have to stay well away from all 3 of your family, until you get a negative on the 'official' test and lazy DP won't be able to take the kids to his parents either! Buys you at least 24hrs daddy day care Muhahaha

Actually though, DP is a total arse and I bet his dad sits around doing naff all too.
You need to have a throw your toys out of the pram moment and tell him to buck his ideas up.

.... Bet he orders takeaway whenever it's his turn to cook too.

The reasons you've set out for your DP to work PT seem sensible, OP, just his behaviour isn't. At best he and your DC will all have a heroic change in behaviour or a car crash of an adjustment or his DM will pick up the slack and you'll have a rubbish few weeks or months until you return to a pressured role with added child care in the evening then working later at night. Let's hope you don't burn out. Will you be working weekends or looking after your children. It's an old joke but it's a shame you won't have a wife to support you. I don't want to sound bleak and you'll be better off than a truly lone parent not one who's ex has EOW as you'd get a break every other weekend.

It seems an odd combination of 1950s attitudes (I got up at 7am and am working so won't look after the children on my own) with more modern (I'll work PT but will rely on my DM).

You might need to take stock and frot up your DP or you might find the return to work exhausting.

Good luck.

So I can’t drive because I haven’t passed my test yet. I am fairly young and at the start of my career so whilst I earn a lot more than him I am definitely at the lower end of the spectrum in terms of salary for a solicitor at the moment so money is tightish. I did have some lessons when I was working but I found it difficult to fit them in to my work lunch hour and it just didn’t work as I kept having to cancel them. I have talked to OH about having some lessons now but he doesn’t think we have the money. Another issue all together, but I saved roughly seven grand to help with bills whilst on maternity leave that is in our joint account and he saved absolutely nothing.

Front up your DP. And other typos. Been a long day. Hopefully you can understand the last post even if you don't agree with the content.

I'd probably just wait until you "switch places" and let him figure out how to be with his children then. In the meantime, you might stop with the outings and classes and whatnot if the toddler is difficult and the whole thing is stressful. Just simplify your days.

No worries, a long day for me as well! Going to sleep instead of getting more annoyed haha but yeah I do agree with you. I think I’m already burnt out tbh and getting major anxiety of how ill cope back at work if things don’t change.

@apmlee

I totally agree I just don’t know how to go about it now without an argument. Aside from this our relationship is great and he is hands on with the kids but only with me there, he doesn’t want to do the difficult side of parenting. It’s like he doesn’t have the confidence to properly parent alone but it is taking its toll on me.

@apmlee Nope, your relaitonship isn't great. Read all of your posts as if they were posted by some random on the internet - if you can honestly say their relationship is great, I'd recommend counselling.

Well you're smart and analytical or else you wouldn't be a well-paid young solicitor with prospects.

You need to work out what ideal or even acceptable looks like.

It probably involves recharging your batteries before returning to work as that is usually demanding after mat leave.

It probably involves your working and home life when you're back at work being sustainable and not requiring you to work long hours, returning home to have responsibility for two children then working late at night. It might be likely your PT DP will expect you to take over when you get home.

It probably also involves you not being ground into exhaustion in the period between now and your mat leave ending.

You can work out how to change the unacceptable behaviour and what will be non-negotiable. You'll be able to draw on your maternal red lines about what's in your DC's best interests so the poor (grand) parenting from your MIL doesn't persist for your eldest and affect your youngest's behaviour.

Good luck.

Perhaps you could book in an intensive driving course, lesson everyday 6pm-7pm? You've got the money in your joint account that'll cover it and he can take the kids for 1hr every night? Two birds one stone?
It's gotta be better than trying to learn when back working full time, surely?

At least then you can drop the kids off at nursery on the way to work, should it come to that.
Take it from me, I've learnt the hard way that if you can't rely on your DP to always have your back, you gotta get yourself as prepared as possible for when the shit hits the fan.

Hope you slept well.

YANBU for being annoyed. Yes, he works but that's no excuse not to give you a break from the children in the evening and at weekends.

He absolutely needs to start engaging now.

I fear for you if I'm honest.

I think unless something changes you'll go back to work and still be expected to shoulder the load.

If your MIL is having the kids two days a week why is he quitting work? Why not work part time?

He's being very selfish.

His working hours are far from extreme. He's got more than enough time to relax for a bit after work, then look after the children for a few hours before bedtime and then for you both to relax as a couple.

You say you can't raise this without a row. Well put bluntly maybe you need a row. A bit one.

They are his children as much as yours and it's ridiculous that you can't even get a shower alone.

You're in dangerous territory if he gives up work to be the main care provider (but basically just goes to his mums) because if he carries on like this and you decide to leave him because he's a useless MF then you'll be paying him maintenance to look after (or not as it turns out) your kids and he may well get greater residency.

Honestly I'd re-think your plans.

Doesn't matter if he's working for "free" (actually he's not he's working to bring in family income just like you).

Get good childcare in place and ensure he keeps working.

Get driving lessons. He's saying you can't afford it - tough. You need this and in the meantime look at childcare options that work for you (en-route to your commute for example).

Most of all don't assume he will "come good". Most people start as they mean to go on.

OP - how long are you intending this arrangement to run? Until the kids are in school? Would DH be able to go back to work full time then, or will he have taken a hit because of the years away?

Working for free because of childcare can be worth it if you preserve earning ability over the long term. What about non salary benefits and pension contributions etc.

Tbh I’d rather hire decent childcare than be reliant on useless DH and MIL that isn’t going to listen to what I want and enforce my boundaries. But that’s easy to say and may not be an option financially.

I would be really careful to check that it isn’t an option though. You will be doing all the mental load stuff, and will they potentially be getting better care in a nursery or with a nanny?

I say that as someone who is actually a bit crap at being a mother and my DD is so much better off now she can go to nursery and have someone patient do crafts etc with her. Not the case for very young babies but hopefully you get my point.

Also a professional working
Long hours who has gone back to work with 2 children. It’s bloody hard.

Next time he double books something he can take the kids with him or cancel his thing. I don't understand why you're letting him get away with that!

He can't even be bothered to look after his own kids while you have a shower. What a fucking pathetic excuse for a man. LTB and then at least you'll probably get EOW to yourself.

This sounds like my husband. Good relationship, great with children when I’m here. But bordering neglectful when I’m not (falling asleep, not remembering to give them a drink, becoming engrossed in tv and not watching them properly).

I have now had to play to his strengths, he is amazing at taking the children out and giving them a nice day and very good with Bath and bed time routine. I will admit that I actually became so concerned about leaving them for more than a few hours that I left my job and I am now working two evenings 6-12pm. He would tell me I am being silly but I knew the children would suffer.

When youngest is in full time nursery at 3 I will go back to 3 days a week (after taking a bit of a career hit!)

@User1357

This sounds like my husband. Good relationship, great with children when I’m here. But bordering neglectful when I’m not (falling asleep, not remembering to give them a drink, becoming engrossed in tv and not watching them properly).

I have now had to play to his strengths, he is amazing at taking the children out and giving them a nice day and very good with Bath and bed time routine. I will admit that I actually became so concerned about leaving them for more than a few hours that I left my job and I am now working two evenings 6-12pm. He would tell me I am being silly but I knew the children would suffer.

When youngest is in full time nursery at 3 I will go back to 3 days a week (after taking a bit of a career hit!)

Why the hell are you putting up with this crap?

Seriously?

It’s mental. We've been together for years, and very happy. Didn’t have our first until we had been together for 5 years. Then Realised I was by far the better parent.

I mean there are times I think of leaving because I find it really bloody unattractive but ultimately when I weigh up the pros and cons the pros win.

If I had to Summarise him I would say he is a complete workaholic that loves having a family around but only wants to fully participate 60% of the time at best.

As a family we have a very nice life and the children are very happy but truthfully that Is only because I am here and constantly pull him up to standard.

When I bring it up, I am very blunt, I know he cares to an extent because he will attempt to change things but ultimately I think he’s just more selfish than I am.

I’m starting to think that the majority of men are all useless man-children. It’s not even me being comical, I seriously consider men to be a bit shit compared to women.