AIBU OH never *alone* with kids

[apmlee]

We have a toddler and a 6 month baby. My toddler has serious behaviour issues atm, he is very very emotional and tantrums a lot and baby doesn’t like to put down - so it’s a challenge. I’m on maternity leave and OH leaves for work at 7am and comes back 5pm mom-fri, then at the weekend usually 1 day at least he either arranges more work or he has plans. So I have both the kids by myself 6/7 days a week 7am-5 and I don’t drive. I usually try to do something with the both of them most days, we will go to the park, out for walks, to toddler groups and swimming, the farm etc but most of the time these don’t go smoothly and I spend it putting toddler on a makeshift timeout or baby crying and people looking at me.

I’m not trashing my OH for working or having plans, grateful for him working and totally agree he needs time out. However I also need a break and I rarely get one. I shower with both the kids in the bathroom with me, get dressed with them with me, go to the toilet holding the baby and cook/clean with baby in the carrier and watching the toddler. My OH wouldn’t dream of having a shower with them both in there with him and he doesn’t do any of the things above and everything else he needs to do he does with the luxury of time and without the kids. In the six months since we’ve had the little one he has had both the kids on his own for more than an hour only 3 times and all of those times he has gone to his parents where I know his mum will watch the kids, make him a tea and he’ll sit on his phone. I suppose what I want is for him to get some perspective - to start having them properly on his own, where he takes them out by himself or has them for a day so that he can understand what it is like for me because at the moment I feel like I don’t get a moment to myself and he doesn’t understand that maybe i don’t want to feel like it’s a luxury to have a shower alone. I go back to work full time in six months (I will be working very long hours) and he will then be quitting work to have the kids part time, I feel like he is going to be totally mentally unprepared and that a lot of the ‘load’ is going to remain with me, even though I’ll be working 8am-9/10pm some days and 8am-6pm on a good day. AIBU for wanting him to have them properly with no help and sometimes have them when he’s doing stuff to gain some perspective and so it’s not such a shock to the system when I go back to work?

Gosh you’ve had some good perspectives and advice on this thread. Mumsnet at its best.

Now speaking frankly I would point out to him that if he doesn't step up and help out, you will kick him out and he will have to do 50% of the work without creature comforts.
But he won't. There's no obligation on the father to take up 50/50, he'll become a weekend Disney Dad with his mum doing all the heavy lifting on the day, and the children will love it as it will be happy hours. The situation will continue as it is, but without the father's income in the picture. Just a dose of realism.

So he doesn’t want your baby to go to nursery but he doesn’t want to step up as a parent.

In what way should he get a say in how your baby is cared for?

@apmlee

Ok so going to push the issue of driving lessons because that would help loads. And on the baby subject, honestly there have been a few incidents that have scared me when I’ve left baby for a moment - for example my toddler got his drink and tried to feed her it whilst she was lying down in her cot - she basically got waterboarded. I had only gone for a moment. So I tend to always have one with me so they’re not left alone together, and baby cries whenever put down.

And on the OH, we are not married but we have been together a long time and our relationship pre kids was great. He also does do house admin like grocery shopping but for example I have asked him to take the kids with him on occasion so I can have a break and he’s said no because it’s too difficult. He will have the kids separately absolutely fine, so for a break I will go out with just the baby.

We discussed nursery and went to visit one. I was pro nursery but OH isn’t as he thinks our littlest will be too small for nursery. He is the one that wants to quit and have the kids, I just think he’s going to be totally unprepared because he’s not pushing himself out of his comfort zone and doing it now.

Be careful OP i think you've got a potential cockloger on your hands, it looks like he is planning to take up his mother's offer of full time childcare whilst he chills out all day, i would get a childminder that you can drop the kids off with at 7am or whenever you start work and they will take children to nursery/school for you

Please wake up OP.

Look at how he is actually treating you and find your anger, this is abysmal behaviour.

If you allow him to become a SAHD then you will be backed into a corner. He will dump the kids on his mum and sit on his arse, and they get raised with her shitty parenting while you pay for everything.

At that point, if you threaten to leave him he would be classed as the resident parent because he does "full time childcare". You would be faced with getting your kids every other weekend and paying him maintenance to sit on his arse and let his mum do all the work.

Right now, if you were to give him the boot while on mat leave you would be in a strong position to remain the resident parent.

I don't say that lightly but please consider that you may be sleepwalking into a trap if you stay with him and he quits work.

Frankly I think you should get your driving license and boot the useless cocklodger out on his arse, his contempt for you is painful to read about.

Look at a child minder rather then nursery or grandmas. Home setting but access to lots of play activities and a carer who will have boundaries and stratagies

He does sound like a cocklodger

Childminder likely to be close to your house or DHs work and more flexible in relation to pick ups and drop offs.

OP,

Thank goodness you never married this waster.

Transfer that 7,000 to YOUR account.
It's YOUR money.

You are a complete mug.
He knows it and is treating you like one.

A nursery/child minder is your best option.

Do not allow this lazy, selfish waster give up his job to stay at home and do NOTHING.

For a bright woman you are behaving in an astonishingly naive man.

Have you any emotional support because you sound very very vulnerable to this man?

Is he older than you, that he is taking you for such a mug?

You need to wise up asap as to the reality of your situation.

Does he bully you because he says No and you accept it?
He said No to nursery whilst doing nothing for his children and you accept it.

Who's idea was it to have children when you are so young?

You are very vulnerable OP, please protect yourself.

Yes I think I’d ask him to leave and go live with mummy as hes not pulling his weight which makes for a rubbish partnership

YANBU OP, my DP was the same and it caused huge resentment and we nearly split up many many times. He is better now they are older and I'm pleased we stuck it out but those days are tough. I would prepare for needing childcare when you return to work as I was still doing everything when I returned full time.

I’m 15 years down the line from where you are. I’m miserable, experience and statistics predict he will never pick up the slack because he has not had to. I take my blame in allowing it. It does take two.
Makes changes now. Do NOT have him be a stay at home Dad. If you split he will be the primary carer, you out on your arse paying him maintenance. Better he works because he will not do the household work anyway. He sounds lazy and will call on Mummy to help him with the children at her house whilst your house is a pigsty. ,

She did not ever tell my child no, if he had a tantrum she would give him treats or distract him, and I felt like I couldn’t talk to her about it.

You can see why your OH turned out the way he has. You have a big problem on your hands.

As others have said, you do not have a good relationship. He's not a good partner. A good partner makes sure that, at the very basic level, their partners needs are met and works up from there. You are intelligent, you must see that this isn't normal or right.

Washing your hair is not a luxury. A hot shower is not a treat. In a good relationship you do not need to ask for someone to "allow" you the time for these things to happen. It is built into the fabric of your lives. That's just normal. Someone who loves you wouldn't sit back and watch you struggle.

Have you asked him the logic question ? Why does he think he can cope full time in a few weeks if he can’t cope for 15 minutes now.

His only possible plan could be to leave them with his mummy.

Aside from this our relationship is great and he is hands on with the kids but only with me there

Why is your relationship great? If my h was so monumentally useless, I'd never have sex with him again.

Your h is a lazy, uncaring cocklodger who's shit with money. What is the point of him?? He will NEVER step up and look after his own dc, and if you go back to work FT you'll end up doing everything and being afraid to leave them with him in case he neglects them, Then youll get divorced and you'll have to pay him as he's been 'RP'.

I'd think really carefully about the actual reality of your situation. A man who can't even be arsed to look after his own dc while you shower? He is not a good man at all, and you cann;ot trust him to have your back at all.

Why are you letting him plan things for weekends, while you get no time to yourself?? He KNOWS how unfair he's being, OP, but he doesn't give a shit about it.

@LagunaBubbles

It really is a shit show. I have considered leaving but he will 100% go for access and will get it and then I won’t be there.

He doesn’t accept he’s a shit as he is.

I agree with everyone else op - he's setting you up here and he's playing the long game.

Why does he get a say in using a nursery when he doesn't do anything with the kids? You do all the work so you're in charge and what you say goes.

This is one of the reasons why I stopped at one DC. H was similar and I knew I'd be doing it all if we had more kids. One I can manage and still have my career so that's the decision I made.

Definitely pass your driving test while on Mat leave - it will make your life so much easier!

Not quite what you asked about in your initial post, but I would highly recommend checking out this parenting ethos group - I think the rationale behind it would make a lot of sense to you. If parenting the toddler seems a little more manageable, then feeling like you have to parent your partner too may seem a little less infuriating. Also some of the strategies may help with the dynamic between the two of you.
www.facebook.com/groups/visiblechild/?ref=share

Try not to turn it into demands. Tell him openly you're struggling and you're worried about the future, but don't offer up strategies or solutions on his behalf. Also, if you can, utilise the grandparents for your benefit now. If they're going to be having them two days a week soon anyway, and you're going back in six months, get some one on one time with both children in. Take the toddler swimming alone so you can both reconnect and have fun together, he can be silly without you worrying about dropping the baby in the pool etc. Then take the baby to a sensory class or similar, so you can have some special time with them without worrying the toddler is going to run off. Perhaps if you're able to find some time with your children that feels less frantic then your partner's decisions will infuriate you less (my two have a similar age gap to you - HUGE respect for getting out and doing so much with them, they must love it but no wonder you're exhausted).

Finally, frustratingly, make peace with the face he might have a huge shock to the system when it's his turn. You've shared your concerns with him. As long as you have no worries about the actual safety of your children, he'll find a way that works for him - he'll have to! Don't carry concerns you think he should have for him, your mental load is big enough as it is.

You're doing an incredible job already of spinning a lot of plates. Try not to borrow worry from tomorrow

@RestingPandaFace

Have you asked him the logic question ? Why does he think he can cope full time in a few weeks if he can’t cope for 15 minutes now.

His only possible plan could be to leave them with his mummy.

That'll be because it's easy when you have nothing to do all day but sit around. He can't do it at the moment because he works so he's too tired from that to attend to the kids, and op has spent all day sitting around. Then when he's looking after the kids, it'll be so tiring he can't possibly be expected to shower whilst he has them, cook dinner 3tc and he'll need time off but that will be because he's doing a better job of it.

OP, please ignore @whatk8ydid's advice. It's terrible.

Didn't you read why OP doesn't want her MIL to have her dc?? If OP left everything up to her h, nothing would get fixed or resolved. She's doing all the parenting (and I don't think she's parenting her h - where did you get that?) because he's useless.

And didn't you see this? there have been a few incidents that have scared me when I’ve left baby for a moment - for example my toddler got his drink and tried to feed her it whilst she was lying down in her cot - she basically got waterboarded.

Where do you think op's h was during these times? The dc may not be safe with him, because he has zero experience of looking after them and is too engrossed in his phone.

You know it's funny how his nursery doesn't seem like a good idea and baby is to little to go... means he gets to not work and also not have the kids aka put children on grandma = more time to do what he wants.
He's not worried because he knows he will go to grandma and have to do 0

You see the logic behind that right.

Your a lawyer if not in family court you have colleagues in this area. You must have seen or heard this story over and over.

This is not you going mad or you over reacting. Listen to the voice that's yelling right now. Read all the comments of women in true same boat. You aren't alone but you don't have to deal with this.

Your smart. You got to where you have through being smart, worked your butt off. Be smart again.

Don't be the frog in the hot water that slowly boils to death.

If you can't say this to him without it turning into a argument- he's trained you to not say anything in fear of the argument. That's a red flag 🚩

In the kindest way, you've enabled this behaviour. You've let him do nothing, so now it's ingrained.

I don't think you've got a prayer of changing it either. Lose the deadweight and life will be much simpler.

@apmlee - OMG, you've had sooooo much good advice on this thread! I sincerely hope you're heeding it.

Read again what you wrote:
"And on the OH, we are not married but we have been together a long time and our relationship pre kids was great. He also does do house admin like grocery shopping but for example I have asked him to take the kids with him on occasion so I can have a break and he’s said no because it’s too difficult. He will have the kids separately absolutely fine, so for a break I will go out with just the baby.
We discussed nursery and went to visit one. I was pro nursery but OH isn’t as he thinks our littlest will be too small for nursery. He is the one that wants to quit and have the kids, I just think he’s going to be totally unprepared because he’s not pushing himself out of his comfort zone and doing it now"

Not married? Great, you can just walk away.

'House administration like grocery shopping'....??? That's a low bar if ever there was one. What about the grunge stuff, like cleaning bathroons?

It's too difficult for him to look after HIS kids for a while so you can have a break???!!!!!! Jesus wept...

Nursery is unacceptable, but him palming the children off to his indulgent mum is just fine? While he does what, exactly?

This is about so much more than this waste of space 'not pushing himself out of his comfort zone'. Surely you can see this? The two of you are incompatible, and if you stay you WILL regret it. Just think of your life over the next 10 years or so. How hard you'll need to work, how exhausted you'll be, how your children will end up spoilt and not meeting their potential.......

All while he'll lead a life of leisure, indulging himself in anything he fancies.

I really hope youll wake up and prioritize yourself and your children.

Gosh, I know it's mumsnet but I'm astonished by the number of LTB cocklodger screeches that have come out this morning.

You and your partner are a team, it sounds like you could do with reconnecting - which is so hard when life is so so busy and exhausting right now. His behaviour is clearly part of the problem, so let him help come up with solutions. If you alone decide what he needs to do or change, you'll likely either end up furious he hasn't done it or resentful that he's only done it because he's been told to so it doesn't feel genuine. And he's likely to feel resentful either way - as I'm sure you would be if he suddenly came home and told you about his expectations for the way you should behave. Now is a brilliant opportunity to set the foundations for how you'll both deal with conflict within your relationship for hopefully the next few decades.

YANBU to be concerned about this, but YABU to let him get away with it. You’re treated how you allow yourself to be treated, and you just need to take control, as if you just roll with what he does, then he’s not going to rock the boat. If you want a shower alone, just hand the baby to him, along with toddler, and tell him (not ask him) to watch them whilst you're away. Make your own plans, on one of his days off from parenting - tell him you’re arranging to spend a few hours catching up with friends and family, and that you’re giving him the heads up as he will need to make sure he’s available that day to watch over his DCs.. do this regularly, at least monthly. And learn to drive.