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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask if you would like me as a colleague?

223 replies

user908898 · 03/07/2021 20:49

My manager told me yesterday that I'm not a team player. I work in retail. He told me-

  1. I'm too quiet I don't join in conversations
  2. I haven't made an effort to join the facebook messenger /whatapp groups
3.I always leave work on time sometimes without saying goodbye to my colleagues (told him I have to collect DD from childminder so don't have time to wait for colleagues to finish serving customers to say goodbye).
  1. I don't go to any social events they have (only Christmas party)
  2. I don't socialise at lunchtime I sit reading my book
  3. I don't contribute to collections (leaving, birthday etc)

He's knocked my confidence and made me feel that my colleagues don't like working with me.

AIBU
YABU - would dislike you as a colleague
YANBU - nothing wrong with you

OP posts:
SorrySoldOut · 03/07/2021 20:53

you sound like one of the colleagues I manage. absolutely fine

one thing i'd say.... could you contribute a little to collections maybe? the rest is normal where I work! also retail

SorrySoldOut · 03/07/2021 20:56

also, a team player is much more than those few things

do you do your share of workload so others don't struggle?
are you always late or off sick?
do you see your colleagues struggling and offer help?
do you get on with your work to best ability and tidy up after yourself?

Chihuahuacat · 03/07/2021 20:56

I wouldn’t actively dislike you at all, completely respect that you don’t want to interact and wouldn’t impact me.

However, if others are working slight overtime (e.g. staying an extra 10 mins everyone so often to help out) and you never do, that might get a bit annoying.

Also, it might make a shift less fun if it’s say me and you working and you don’t want to have a chat at all

EnjoyingTheSunshine · 03/07/2021 20:56

I think nr 1 to 5 are normal, but nr 6 probably is a bit antisocial. If you spend presumably 8 hours a day with your colleagues, you need to make more of an effort.

Collections/Birthdays help to bond among colleagues.

Mayaspecialist · 03/07/2021 20:57

Its hard to say. It's not that I would dislike you, but I wouldnt also say I like you because I don't know you.

But also, I don't really need to like my colleagues. Not fussed about socialising. But do make an effort on work to talk to people.

Although obviously, there was no Christmas party last Christmas. I wouldn't go to that.

Not sure if being liked by colleagues is a requirement in retail.

Seems like quite poor feedback that doesn't really have much to do with how you do your job.

Chihuahuacat · 03/07/2021 20:57

Also not contributing to collections is a bit rude.

Onlinedilema · 03/07/2021 20:59

I don't see anything wrong with what you are doing, except contributing to collections. Would it bother you if nobody bothered to do a collection for you?

Mayaspecialist · 03/07/2021 20:59

Collections/Birthdays help to bond among colleagues.

I disagree. It does help bond.

Invariably, some people always feel treated better by some than others.

Lots of people feel they must contribute, when they don't have a lot of spare income. That causes resentment.

Collections would be the one I don't think op needs to do at all.

M0rT · 03/07/2021 20:59

Does he think he's running Google?
If they want to buy your soul as well as your time they have to pay the big bucks!
I don't think your doing anything wrong.
When in the office I did always say hello/goodbye but have had colleagues that didn't and it didn't bother me unless it was someone I was looking for and I didn't know if they had gone home or to a meeting.
In my current job I would often eat luck with people but have in the past read books or gone shopping at lunchtime.
I don't think it did anyone else any harm.
Do you need to be perceived as a team player? Are you permanent or can you be easily managed out?
I don't think your doing anything wrong and I highly doubt your colleagues are complaining that that you don't wait at a till to say Bye!
What you need to think about is this just your manager whinging or do you need to appease him?
I wouldn't stop leaving on time but maybe you could eat lunch in company twice a week and join one of the groups as a compromise?
Don't start contributing to collections.
I actually know a fair few people whose employers have banned them, can cause a lot of aggro.

Hawkins001 · 03/07/2021 21:00

I'd say , your behaviours exhibit anti social tendencies, however I'd have you on my team, as long as you are reliable, hard working and helpful with customer's ect.

devildeepbluesea · 03/07/2021 21:00

I am very much a person who keeps work and real life separate.

But I still manage to chat with my colleagues, I contribute to presents, and I may rock up to 1 social event out of 4 or 5.

You do sound rather aloof.

Original poster
user908898 · 03/07/2021 21:02

@Chihuahuacat

Also not contributing to collections is a bit rude.
I use to contribute but we have so many now, so far this year we have had - 7 staff leaving collections 3 special birthday collections 1 wedding collection

We have such a high turn over of staff.

OP posts:
LolaButt · 03/07/2021 21:02

Collections aren’t a requirement of your job. Perhaps the company you work for could show their own appreciation for their employees on their birthdays, rather than setting an expectation that poorly paid retail employees will conduct a whip round to plug the gap.

MadMadMadamMim · 03/07/2021 21:02

As long as you were civil and pleasant at work to me I'd be fine with it.

I don't need to socialise with you out of work (and it's also my idea of hell).

There's no way in hell I'd be on any FB/WhatsApp group.

Peeceandquite · 03/07/2021 21:03

To be honest you do sound a bit rude to me. I have no interest in being friends with most my colleagues outside work but still contribute to collections, join in conversations and participate in the WhatsApp group (can actually be useful). Leaving on time is understandable but can also see why it might piss some people off if they regularly work the extra 5 minutes.

I'm with you on the lunch thing though, that's my time for peace and quiet, if I'm lucky enough to manage to take a break that is!

Original poster
user908898 · 03/07/2021 21:04

@Chihuahuacat

I wouldn’t actively dislike you at all, completely respect that you don’t want to interact and wouldn’t impact me.

However, if others are working slight overtime (e.g. staying an extra 10 mins everyone so often to help out) and you never do, that might get a bit annoying.

Also, it might make a shift less fun if it’s say me and you working and you don’t want to have a chat at all

I do chat just not as much as my other colleagues. If there is just two of us on a shift I am happy to have a chat whilst working.
OP posts:
SengaMac · 03/07/2021 21:05

I got similar feedback from one manager in retail (except the collections thing).
I took no notice.
All other managers of my dept (they changed a lot) gave feedback that I was an excellent worker, so I was fine with that.

(I did chat with colleagues a bit, and said goodbye to any colleagues in my dept who were around when I left.)

AlfiesMama85 · 03/07/2021 21:05

You literally sound like me and comments like the one from your manager really p*ss me off.

Why do people think it is correct to behave the way they do but wrong to be the way we are?

As long as you do the work you are paid to do who cares if you contribute to the social aspect? Some of us have lives outside of work and just go there to pay the bills so no, YANBU at all. Continue being you and ignore the assh*le!!

WombatsAndDingbats · 03/07/2021 21:10

YANBU
I can completely identify with you
I'm not great with social interactions, its just not 'me'
But that doesn't mean I'm not a team player
Work-wise I'll help anyone do anything
I just don't enjoy social events

2bazookas · 03/07/2021 21:12

Good for you. Don't be pressured into doing all that superficial meaningless stuff.

Usual2usual · 03/07/2021 21:12

YANBU - you aren't there to be sociable you are there to do a job, if your work is up to standard who cares.

On the collection thing - loads go around my work, I only contribute to ones for people I know. I'm not contributing to someone collection just because they are in the same (100+ people) department as me! Someone in my immediate team (10 people) yes, anyone else, no.

We had one go round because someone very senior had been promoted to an even more senior job. I'm sorry but they are going to be earning about 5 times my salary they don't need a few quid in a card from me plus they probably don't know who I even am!

SandyCane · 03/07/2021 21:14

It does sound a little rude. Could you not just call out a general goodbye as you leave.

But ask yourself honestly, are you always first out the door? That would annoy me if it meant I was always stuck being the one finishing off if you had just sneaked away without a word.

Original poster
user908898 · 03/07/2021 21:16

@WombatsAndDingbats

YANBU I can completely identify with you I'm not great with social interactions, its just not 'me' But that doesn't mean I'm not a team player Work-wise I'll help anyone do anything I just don't enjoy social events
Thats why I feel upset I will always help my colleagues if they need any help. I have never been much of a social person, a few years ago I was diagnosed with cancer and since then I have struggled with been sociable. I never liked talking about my illness so I guess I just saw work as an escape back then and have carried on this attitude over the years.
OP posts:
Original poster
user908898 · 03/07/2021 21:18

@SandyCane

It does sound a little rude. Could you not just call out a general goodbye as you leave.

But ask yourself honestly, are you always first out the door? That would annoy me if it meant I was always stuck being the one finishing off if you had just sneaked away without a word.

If someone is around I will always say goodbye, it was just a one off he was moaning about where colleague was busy on till and didn't know I had left (even though she knew what time I was in till). I finish earlier than my colleagues, they work till the end of the day I work half days and finish at 2pm.
OP posts:
avenueaspirr · 03/07/2021 21:20

When I was 19 I got a job in my local Co-Op and I was quiet and a bit shy. I made very good friends with two girls who basically confirmed to me that I was disliked because I was quiet and well spoken and therefore it meant I thought I was better than them Confused

I obviously didn’t think this but potentially your colleagues may assume that you do think you’re too good for them.