to ask if you would like me as a colleague?

[user908898]

My manager told me yesterday that I'm not a team player. I work in retail. He told me-

1. I'm too quiet I don't join in conversations
2. I haven't made an effort to join the facebook messenger /whatapp groups

3.I always leave work on time sometimes without saying goodbye to my colleagues (told him I have to collect DD from childminder so don't have time to wait for colleagues to finish serving customers to say goodbye).

1. I don't go to any social events they have (only Christmas party)
2. I don't socialise at lunchtime I sit reading my book
3. I don't contribute to collections (leaving, birthday etc)

He's knocked my confidence and made me feel that my colleagues don't like working with me.

AIBU
YABU - would dislike you as a colleague
YANBU - nothing wrong with you

@Grainjar

I think he sounds mean. Some are naturally quieter than others. If everyone were loud and extrovert there would be clashes. In the council now it's seen as discriminatory to select on personality type. You adapt to the person employed, regardless of what they're like.

How do you even prove discrimination on grounds of 'personality type' when there's no such thing? Also it's the people joining a team who have to adapt , not the other way round.

Again it depends on the job (OP's in a min wage retail job so it's unfair of the manager to expect so much) but team culture is important. It's not about just 'doing the job', it's the goodwill between a team that makes people motivated to work with you and want to help you. I'd never have gotten my current job if I hadn't made the effort to take an interest in the people around me. The best team I was ever in had all sorts (quiet, extrovert, young, old) but most people made some effort. Even if they didn't contribute to every collection or make every social event. It was very pleasant working with them. Compared to a team where everyone made it abundantly clear that they were only there to work and go home. I left sharpish.

Interestingly with WFH this is going to become more of a discussion topic... of course again not relevant to the OP. Sorry OP for the hijack

Agreed. It is about some effort. I am an extrovert but even we aren't magical creatures who don't need moment of peace. I joined in most of time, but sometimes said "I need bit of quiet time, see ya later alligator". We had few very quiet people, but they joined in once a week or so. And that was enough.

Yes, it's work and people are usually not there to make friends, but 40 hours+ a week is spend there. All that hours with these people. That's quarter of total hours in a week. That's a lot of time to spend with someone who doesn't communicate with others, really. Making compromises makes life easier.

1. I'm too quiet I don't join in conversations- why though OP? Do you not respond when spoken too? Or do you just not start conversations?
2. I haven't made an effort to join the facebook messenger /whatapp groups- fair enough that wouldn't bother me.

3.I always leave work on time sometimes without saying goodbye to my colleagues (told him I have to collect DD from childminder so don't have time to wait for colleagues to finish serving customers to say goodbye).- needs must, wouldn't bother me.

1. I don't go to any social events they have (only Christmas party )- meh as long as you are not offended when ppl are going out without you. I'm thinking this may add to number 1 as well though, in that you don't socialite with colleagues so you don't know them well enough to start/join conversations.
2. I don't socialise at lunchtime I sit reading my book- I would find this rude if it was EVERY lunchtime and you were sat with colleagues ignoring them.
3. I don't contribute to collections (leaving, birthday etc)- I would only contribute to the ones you want to.

So all in all for the most part I wouldn't dislike you but I would dislike the fact that you don't put in an effort to converse with me. I would be even more pissed off if you then had issues with me for not 'including' you in things. I hate when ppl do that.

All the posters complaining about not contributing to collections - have you thought about what the OP's wages amount to?

I'd guess with a 2pm finish, she's doing around 20-25 hours a week - that's around £200-250, then there's NI, costs of getting to and from work, probably leaving her with about £150 before any UC and CHB comes into play. And then there's rent/mortgage, bills, food, etc.

Back in the 90s, the expected contribution for a whipround was a fiver minimum. If you're on a budget, 3% of your salary represents a lot when it's taken repeatedly without notice; ten people is fifty quid, 1/3 of a week's net wages before you've even seen a penny of it.

I don't think somebody on £45,000 would be happy with equivalent compulsory contributions of around £26 per person.

YANBU. In my experience, managers in retail are often fucking nuts.

@DismantledKing

YANBU. In my experience, managers in retail are often fucking nuts.

Tbf no one can stay sane dealing with customers for too long😂

I’d be quite happy to work with you! I’m very similar and really struggle with socialising with other people. I find it difficult and awkward and I’m quite happy keeping myself to myself.

I would say you should make an effort with 1, 2 4 and 6. A wave as you exit the premises wouldn't hurt either.

The thing is, in most jobs there is a hidden social element that actually is very important. It’s not on the job description but people notice if you participate in it at all. In some sectors it’s called networking …

*don’t participate in it at all

I would not like you as a colleague but I would respect your decision to be like that.
It's my wonderful colleagues that get me through the day.

I wouldn't dislike you, I wouldn't necessarily like you. When I worked in retail I had some colleagues like you, and I was mostly just indifferent to them, because I didn't know them. You're not at any fault for how you choose to behave, and be social. Your colleagues also aren't at fault if they find you rude. It's personal presence and opinion is all.

Preference*

I wouldn’t dislike working with you but I would say you aren’t a team player in socialising terms however that’s personal choice. It sounds like you’re happy and do a good job so that’s all that matters. Some of us aren’t big into going out with colleagues and there’s nothing wrong with that.

Agree with many comments. As long as you are a team player work wise , don't see an issue.

It wouldn't really bother me as long as I have other more social colleagues around me also. You will always get different personality types with in a team.

Why is your manager talking to you about matters un-related to work? That’s a very unprofessional conversation, IMO and totally irrelevant to your job performance. If you’re feeling brave, I’d raise this in a further meeting.

Goodness, you sound just like me and absolutely fine! Nothing wrong with being quieter. Why does the world focus on team players, loud people, so much chat? Why is anything other than this so wrong? The feedback is not really job related either. Don't worry op, you sound great.

It's not about just 'doing the job', it's the goodwill between a team that makes people motivated to work with you and want to help you. I'd never have gotten my current job if I hadn't made the effort to take an interest in the people around me. The best team I was ever in had all sorts (quiet, extrovert, young, old) but most people made some effort. Even if they didn't contribute to every collection or make every social event. It was very pleasant working with them.

I think this is really wise. And to reiterate: there's a middle ground. It's about to what extent the OP contributes to a general sense of well-being in the team. This isn't about being forced to smile or be cheerful fr the customers. It's about a general sense of being pleasant & easy to work with.

Customers notice this, I can tell you!

And it may be that the OP's manager has noticed a general sense of withdrawal, not communicating well, etc, and has tried - in the way managers are trained - to give feedback which is "SMART." I always forget the exact words for that acronym - it's something like: specific; measurable; attainable; reasonable (or is it relevant?) and timely.

Maybe what the manager needed to say was something like "You don't seem to be very communicative with your team. Are you happy? Are there any issues?" But then she'd be open to criticism of being vague & asking intrusive personal questions.

You're not rude and nothing you are doing makes you 'not a team player'. It sounds like they want people to do extra, and pretend thats teamwork.

They'd soon complain if you were talking too much and wasn't doing enough work. You can't win!

I think its only polite to let someone know you are leaving. You don't have to pay into collections. Its absurd that people on here would class you as rude for that. They don't know your financial situation!

I'll be honest, you don't sound like someone who would add to my day in any way. I enjoy chatting and having a laugh with a group of my colleagues in the staffroom.
However I wouldn't dislike you either. Indifferent, probably. But then that's how you appear to most people anyway, I'd have thought.

Oh dear, not contributing to collections isn't great ...

Collections can get out of hand so easily, and imo that has happened when everyone knows that one person doesn't donate 'enough'.

You're paid to do a job, not be people's friend.

I can see why they have a high staff turn over if your boss comes out with crap like this.