to ask if you would like me as a colleague?

[user908898]

My manager told me yesterday that I'm not a team player. I work in retail. He told me-

1. I'm too quiet I don't join in conversations
2. I haven't made an effort to join the facebook messenger /whatapp groups

3.I always leave work on time sometimes without saying goodbye to my colleagues (told him I have to collect DD from childminder so don't have time to wait for colleagues to finish serving customers to say goodbye).

1. I don't go to any social events they have (only Christmas party)
2. I don't socialise at lunchtime I sit reading my book
3. I don't contribute to collections (leaving, birthday etc)

He's knocked my confidence and made me feel that my colleagues don't like working with me.

AIBU
YABU - would dislike you as a colleague
YANBU - nothing wrong with you

There is a big middle ground between having no connection to people and being a friend. That middle ground is what most people manage to achieve. That's what doesn't seem to be happening here. A large clothes shop is different to an office and that is different to other types of jobs includong smaller retail etc. Hence different "part if a team" requirements and why some can't comprehend that being part of the team isn't just about quietly doing your work and that's it in some places.

Most hospitality and retail places i know have quite a turnover of staff, it's very fast moving, literally.

I’m not surprised he’s knocked your confidence.

For me I like work colleagues who work hard, get the job done and pull their weight.

Couldn’t care less if you join WhatsApp groups, chat a lunch time or put money into collections. They are all extras that aren’t needed.

@PandemicPalava

Goodness, you sound just like me and absolutely fine! Nothing wrong with being quieter. Why does the world focus on team players, loud people, so much chat? Why is anything other than this so wrong? The feedback is not really job related either. Don't worry op, you sound great.

In the current world jobs where an individual contributor alone makes a big difference are disappearing. In most jobs the best performers are the ones who know the correct people and how they work. Being a team player is thus a performance metric. I'm in a role well known for people who are portrayed as anti-social (software developers) - yet the amount of good will and teamwork needed is staggering. There are people who get through work twice as fast as others because they know the right people to ask - and surprise surprise none of them are loud-mouthed extroverts who talk and talk and talk (in fact one of my favourite people is a grizzled old veteran engineer who doesn't say a word but has the best emoji reactions in the team chat )

I can see how this isn't really relevant to the OP given her role and ambitions, also some things like collections are unnecessary. But it's not a huge stretch of the imagination to figure out 'why' relationship building is important in the grand scheme of things. When all is said and done it's people who stick up for each other and people against process. If you have the right people on your side you can get a lot more done...

I think you sound fine.

I would probably do all the things on that managers list but that's my choice and if others don't want to, that's their choice too.
He's judging you on his values and he is wrong to do so. Plus why should you stay late ? Are you paid to stay late?

@SchrodingersImmigrant

There is a big middle ground between having no connection to people and being a friend. That middle ground is what most people manage to achieve. That's what doesn't seem to be happening here. A large clothes shop is different to an office and that is different to other types of jobs includong smaller retail etc. Hence different "part if a team" requirements and why some can't comprehend that being part of the team isn't just about quietly doing your work and that's it in some places.

Most hospitality and retail places i know have quite a turnover of staff, it's very fast moving, literally.

Exactly nobody has to be the life of the party but a small effort goes a long way...

I don't think those things mean you're not a team player. Personally, I wouldn't mind working with you at all given what you have said, but I could understand that people might get a bit annoyed about you not going to social events, not contributing to collections & not saying goodbye.

I work with a few people who don't go to social events and I don't think anything of it to be honest, but I guess it would help you bond with the team. I think the saying goodbye thing, I just always used to shout bye and give my colleague a wave even if they were serving. I think the worst bit would be not contributing to collections as it just looks bad on you. It looks like you don't care/aren't interested. I have to say though that I give money for collections at work and I don't want to. I don't necessarily care that it's so and so's birthday but I think just to keep the peace and not look like you don't care, then I would give a little bit.

Your boss is a dick. When he says you're not a team player he really means he doesn't like you. Quite possibly because you have boundaries and he can't take advantage of you with collections, unpaid overtime, flirting excused as banter etc. I'll bet he wants a goodbye so he can say "before you go can you just do xyz"

You're there to work, not to do a "pick me" dance for most popular employee or to suck up to him anyone and stroke his ego

If he wants to dictate what you do during your dinner break he can stop calling it a dinner break and pay you for that hour of your time.

Ignore him OP, he's deliberately trying to drag you down and knock your confidence for some reason. Could even be jealous that as manager he's expected to go the extra mile for his wages but as a mere worker drone you don't need to.

I think you sound perfectly fine as a colleague. Maybe a little quiet but that wouldn't bother me in the slightest, I can't see why that's an issue unless you're actively rude. Your boss is an asshole for making you feel this way. I'd happily work with you.

I going to add that IMO it's a waste of time all this "staff bonding" shit. I've never met anyone except the well off who don't secretly dislike collections and lots of the time people aren't fussed about having to pretend to like whatever is bought for them either. Most people dislike the social events too and end up drinking to make it bearable. I think the world would be a nicer place if people were allowed to be honest about being at work for the money and everyone could drop the "we're one big happy family" charade. I think when you've got the confidence to do that, others don't like it because they wish they had the confidence too. Seems to me that staff bonding primarily takes the form of "if I have to suffer this then you have to suffer it too".

In my experience, people unobtrusively leaving or arriving at work is a red flag. They don't want to be noticed for good reason, and it is incredibly annoying when you need them but get a vague "Oh, they've gone...childminder, I think" type of response.

However, if your hours are logged and your colleagues aren't affected by whether you're there or not, then it doesn't really matter.

@SandyCane

It does sound a little rude. Could you not just call out a general goodbye as you leave.

But ask yourself honestly, are you always first out the door? That would annoy me if it meant I was always stuck being the one finishing off if you had just sneaked away without a word.

Yes, this.

Every workplace has that member of staff who bolts for the door like they're in an Olympic final the SECOND their shift is over... I mean, they are of course within their rights to do so, but it DOES create bad feeling amongst those who are always left to do those "end of day" piddlin' jobs.

As for these points your boss has raised... well, it's obviously either been raised to him enough times, that it's come to a point when he needs to raise it with you...

They may not be true, in your eyes, and you may have good reasons, but there is at least one person in your workplace, and likely more, who think you're not a good team player, for the reasons your boss raised...

Take that as you will, but I'd personally see it as an unofficial warning, and be making an attempt to visibly address the points he raised.

Or it could be that the boss is expected to signal some 'areas for improvement' in their review, but they can't find anything significant to say because OP is an excellent worker.

@AmberIsACertainty

Your boss is a dick. When he says you're not a team player he really means he doesn't like you. Quite possibly because you have boundaries and he can't take advantage of you with collections, unpaid overtime, flirting excused as banter etc. I'll bet he wants a goodbye so he can say "before you go can you just do xyz"

You're there to work, not to do a "pick me" dance for most popular employee or to suck up to him anyone and stroke his ego

If he wants to dictate what you do during your dinner break he can stop calling it a dinner break and pay you for that hour of your time.

Ignore him OP, he's deliberately trying to drag you down and knock your confidence for some reason. Could even be jealous that as manager he's expected to go the extra mile for his wages but as a mere worker drone you don't need to.

I think you are projecting here @AmberIsACertainty

Is he not bothered about how good you are at your job, just how sociable you are? I think he’s out of order saying these things.

The examples he had provided are all about the social life around work. What are you like with actual work?

People who make a big contribution to actual work are given more slack over contributing socially in our teams. If you have to go on time, how productive are you when during working hours. Do you really focus and get stuff done?

It sounds as if the manager might be prioritising social performance over 'real' work.

such a high turn over of staff.

Which can be a sign of less than effective management.

Socialising with colleagues & giving money for whatever reason has no bearing as to whether you are a team player or not and none of the examples given are work related, your manager is a dick.

I'm with you, OP. I spend long enough at work because I'm paid to be there. All this enforced jollity a la Butlin's, hearty 'team-building' (ugh) and group bonding shenanigans are superfluous, presumably voluntary, and make demands on my already stretched time I feel under no obligation to meet. Unless you happen to work as a tourism rep this is beyond the remit of a performance review.

The two things I find intolerable in any workplace are constant interference, including micro-management, and idle gossip. Your line manager sounds guilty of the former. You sound very much as though you don't go in for the latter.

I know which colleague I'd prefer.

@castawayqueen Do you not remember the 80s and 90s? A significant proportion of job adverts required women, not men, to have "bubbly" personalities. Discrimination in recruiting is very real. I was once told by a senior manager in a large investment bank that I didn't get the job in the basis I wasn't the type to get up on the table and strip off at the office party. That was a while ago but I'm glad it's outlawed now. It is very much part of our recruitment policy now to select based on competence, without considering if that person will fit in. Because it absolutely is discriminatory if you are rejected on the basis of what they perceive you're like socially. I personally like that. Different people bring different qualities to a team.

I would be really jealous of you for having the guts to sit and read a book at lunchtime. I am quiet and always felt I had to be sociable in the breaks at work. If I wanted quiet time at lunch, I would say I was going on an errand, park the car a bit away so I am not notuced, and read.

Also, you leave at 2pm. It wouldn't hurt to stay for 5 or 10 mins every few days. The people who finish at 6pm probably have to cash up etc and can't get out at 6pm on the dot. If we all left work exactly on time, where would we be? I have dcs and I am sure a lot of the fulltimers have dcs in minders too.

I think a wave and bye when you are leaving wouldn't go amiss. Leaving quietly looks like you are sneaking off in case you get a job to do. I know you don't mean it baf but it looks sneaky and uncaring of colleagues.

If anything happened at work where you needed support eg infair treatment from management, and if you are keeping to yourself too much (self contained) then colleagues may not support you. A small few changes could make working life go smoother.

I would like you as a colleague

I would dislike your manager- what a knob

So basically because you don't socialise with people you work with or contribute to collections your not a team player...

A team player is work related and is you can work as part of a team, communicate effectively, respond to any work related emails or texts, help colleagues share the load etc then that is much more relevant then if you socialise

If you contribute to gifts, will people know how much you've put in? If not, stick a quid in . . . I stopped contributing in my last job because I'd contributed to about 100 people leaving (long time in the job) and I'd had enough, but I always signed card. Toss a general goodbye in the direction of any colleagues as you leave, and join the social media stuff and remember to look at it once a week.

That said, your manager's being unreasonable. None of this stuff is about your job and you're clearly a natural extrovert, which he shouldn't have a problem with.

I am very much like you. I get the job done well, I do have a good relationship one on one with colleagues even though I'm very much introverted. I have found that this team player talk is always geared towards being an extroverted, sociable type. I just faked it to get on with things. If it was left to me I would be doing exactly what you do. I am a sahm now but I completely get you.

I think number 3, so leaving work without saying goodbye is rude. Even a 'I've got to dash as I've got to get to the child minder on time is fine'.

The rest is OK as long as you are on time and pitch in throughout the day you don't have to be best friends with your work colleagues.

[quote Grainjar]@castawayqueen Do you not remember the 80s and 90s? A significant proportion of job adverts required women, not men, to have "bubbly" personalities. Discrimination in recruiting is very real. I was once told by a senior manager in a large investment bank that I didn't get the job in the basis I wasn't the type to get up on the table and strip off at the office party. That was a while ago but I'm glad it's outlawed now. It is very much part of our recruitment policy now to select based on competence, without considering if that person will fit in. Because it absolutely is discriminatory if you are rejected on the basis of what they perceive you're like socially. I personally like that. Different people bring different qualities to a team.[/quote]
I don’t know which of my comments you’re replying to. I believe that my comment was that it’s very difficult to prove discriminatory recruitment unless you’re clearly the best candidate and they bypassed you. Or someone told you so.

Also the case you stated was clearly over the top. I have also encountered similar, notably a team full of white, video games playing men refusing to hire me because I was a woman who didn’t play video games.

What I was thinking of regarding ‘personality types’ was nothing to do with sociability . More of people’s work preferences such as fast-paced team vs slow, teams with lot of individual autonomy for decision making vs structure.
People’s preferences for these also count as part of their ‘personality’, doesn’t it? So the term is very broad. Someone who’s very well qualified in the ‘paper requirements’ of the job may not like a certain team’s way of working.