to ask if you would like me as a colleague?

[user908898]

My manager told me yesterday that I'm not a team player. I work in retail. He told me-

1. I'm too quiet I don't join in conversations
2. I haven't made an effort to join the facebook messenger /whatapp groups

3.I always leave work on time sometimes without saying goodbye to my colleagues (told him I have to collect DD from childminder so don't have time to wait for colleagues to finish serving customers to say goodbye).

1. I don't go to any social events they have (only Christmas party)
2. I don't socialise at lunchtime I sit reading my book
3. I don't contribute to collections (leaving, birthday etc)

He's knocked my confidence and made me feel that my colleagues don't like working with me.

AIBU
YABU - would dislike you as a colleague
YANBU - nothing wrong with you

Also having read my comment I believe that my main point was - a good team will have people of many different personalities but will still have a bond and function as a cohesive unit. You find a way of engaging that suits your personality type.

Again with the caveat that the need for such very much depends on the job. If you work in a call center, sit in individual booths, take calls and go home this might not be as relevant.

I work in retail and you would stick out like a sore thumb behaving like that.

Years ago I too suffered resentment over leaving on time, which I had little choice about.

I should think nowadays expressing negativity towards a colleague who has to leave to collect children would not be acceptable.

As to collections, if your contribution is not public you might manage to put something in. Though if its £5 expected each time, I wouldn't join in!

I also might say that to pointedly sit reading a book when those around you are chatting may not go down well.

Some small changes might be beneficial to you, but if they are wanting you to become someone else, then in the longer run, best look for another job.

I hate workplace collections and don't participate in the birthday ones at my current work. I do participate in leaving and maternity collections as we are a team of 20 and it's not too often.

Before my current job I worked in a large office with a high turnover of staff and in my final year I spent £240 on collections (excluding charity collections, that was another £70). There are a hundred other things I could have done with that money.

I don’t think you sound like a team-player unfortunately. It is what it is, but people who are super friendly and sociable at work do propel their career. Building rapport and making connections is so important. Opportunities will always come your way.

However you work in retail and I presume this isn’t a career that you’re trying to pursue to the top, so it’s not a big deal for you. But in other industries, behaving as you do at work could scupper your chances of progression

I think we all couldn’t care less about our colleagues. The thing is, all of your points combined makes it obvious that you only attend work to get paid and couldn’t give a fuck about them. It is a bit frosty. I think I would assume you didn’t like me if you don’t socialise/don’t say bye etc even if that isn’t your intention.

It may be better for your career to use a more tactful approach and put the bare minimum of effort in. I assure you that your colleagues aren’t the best of friends either but are sociable at work as it puts them in a good light

If I was making a list of qualities needed to be a team player, it wouldn't have any of those things he listed on it. I'd rather have a quiet, conscientious, punctual worker, than a chattering, phone checking, shirker. If you do your job well, just ignore this. For your next feedback session, take a list of all the things you do, that do show you are a team player.

@Looubylou

If I was making a list of qualities needed to be a team player, it wouldn't have any of those things he listed on it. I'd rather have a quiet, conscientious, punctual worker, than a chattering, phone checking, shirker. If you do your job well, just ignore this. For your next feedback session, take a list of all the things you do, that do show you are a team player.

You know there are people in between. Neither of what you describe is a good "team player" imho. Team player not only does their job, but also understands that relationship between team members is important for smooth running. Especially in this environment. Again. No need to become best mates, but having a chat sometimes, make sure to say bye etc are just basics.

Again. It really depends on the industry.

If you’re reliable trustworthy pleasant helpful and undertake work tasks thoroughly I can’t see the issue with being quiet

The one that sticks out to me is not saying goodbye. That's pretty rude.

As a customer, I wouldn't bat an eyelid if one colleague said a quick goodbye to another as they left. It takes 5 seconds. You can even catch eye contact and mouth it to them, so I don't understand why you feel you need to wait around to say goodbye.

All the other things individually are fine, but added together, you do come across a little standoffish (which you've explained why). I don't agree with it equating to you not being a team player though. You're more unsociable.

I understand you've been through some things but it could do you a world of good to put yourself out there a bit. Have a chat with colleagues at some breaktimes. Join the whatsapp group. I think WhatsApp groups are great for giving the impression of much more presence than is the case. You can even mute it but just check the messages once in a while. Put the odd 'lol' or laughing emoji to someone's crappy joke. Answer a question or two and boom, you're more integrated into the team. It'll keep you more in the loop with things that are going on too and potentially save you from awkwardly turning down social invites (easier to think of politely worded excuse via than be blindsided when being asked face to face).

Why don’t you contribute at birthdays? Apart from that I think it’s fine

When I worked in retail I was summoned by management to a meeting with a co-worker who complained that I didn't chat to her whilst we were working prior to opening.

This particular colleague was needy, self obsessed and had a private life that made Eastenders look like the writers couldn't be arsed.

Having listened to this pile of shite I suggested that we call the Regional Manager right there and then to say that there was a member of staff that didn't want to stand chatting but to just get on with their work and seek her advice.

My point, fuck the manager. Get on with your job, do it well and ignore all the rest. He sees rude, everyone else sees professional.

PS collections are shit and best avoided.

@user908898

My manager told me yesterday that I'm not a team player. I work in retail. He told me-

1. I'm too quiet I don't join in conversations
2. I haven't made an effort to join the facebook messenger /whatapp groups

3.I always leave work on time sometimes without saying goodbye to my colleagues (told him I have to collect DD from childminder so don't have time to wait for colleagues to finish serving customers to say goodbye).

1. I don't go to any social events they have (only Christmas party)
2. I don't socialise at lunchtime I sit reading my book
3. I don't contribute to collections (leaving, birthday etc)

He's knocked my confidence and made me feel that my colleagues don't like working with me.

AIBU
YABU - would dislike you as a colleague
YANBU - nothing wrong with you

You sound exactly like me. I’d like you a lot 😂 To me, work is to work and earn a living not to socialise.

I really respect you actually OP. Wish I could keep it real like this

Hello , 🖐🏼 !! I hope you are all well . I am new here . I am due in October , anyone else due in October ? I am just feeling vey excited now , I’ve started washing all the baby’s clothes . It feels very real now to me ❤️

Pitu2titu

You really need to start your own thread

To me, work is to work and earn a living not to socialise.

These things aren't mutually exclusive. There is nothing wrong with socialising with your workmates. Have you never made friends through work? Do you never talk to the people you work with, not even to crack a joke or pass the time of day? Are you one of those mumsnetters who put a cap on the number of friends they have?

Some of our oldest friends are people we have both met through work. In fact two of DD's godparents are through someone that DH met at work.

I dont know if I'd dislike you but I'd assume you didn't like us probably! I'm quiet too but it's that in combination with everything else I guess. Having said that I don't think it has any bearing on being a team player professionally so bit unfair of manager to say that

I had these sorts of complaints from a manager a few years ago. I would also have had complaints if I'd come in and chatted to everyone, interrupting them and distracting them from work. HR got involved and said I was under no obligation to talk about things outside of workmatters. (My colleagues are probably relieved they don't have to hear about my exciting weekends of supermarket, laundry and housework...) I do chat to colleagues and have socialised with them and even went on holiday with two different colleagues, but I don't chat from the moment I come in or when it would be interrupting them - so my manager didn't witness it. And other colleagues who are known to have "difficult" personalities, "oh, that's just the way he is, you have to learn to live with it," but people don't just have to live with me? It seemed unequal treatment.

It did make life difficult for a while though, and actually made me quieter, because I felt like anything I said would be judged. It has mostly been resolved by me changing managers and no one being in the office anyway, which probably aren't solutions for you. It's difficult to want chatty conversation when you think it will be discussed and analysed after - it makes it difficult to trust people, and that is needed for teamwork.

I don't really have any useful advice, but you’re not the only one whose had this sort of thing.

I really object to the idea of a collection. I work in professional services, everyone is well paid but we don't do this at all. People are made to feel special by wishing them happy birthday, they bring in cake themselves (if they choose) and go out for drinks with close colleagues. The idea that someone working near NMW (am making an assumption as you're not management and in retail) should have to fork out for every birthday, leaving do etc is a bit ludicrous in a large team.

In an old company we did it in our team but there were only 4 of us so it was a tenner each 3 times a year and I was the lowest paid by far at £35k.

If organisations are that wedded to celebrating birthdays being a team bonding experience they should take the hit themselves.

Collections seemed to come to a natural end with us when there lots of redundancies.

From my long work history, the anti-social "work is work, I'm not here to make friends" people are the first ones let go if there is any kind of down-sizing.

I'd been fine with you, user.

Because you don't generally socialise with others at work does not make you a non-team player. As long as you do your job well and are pleasant and courteous at work, what else should be expected of a busy, working parent?

Challenge this.

You would be my perfect work colleague OP! Keep doing what your doing if it works for you. I'm exactly the same and make no apologies about it!

I would adore you as a colleague. He sounds like a cocky little prick, who has become more of a cocky little prick as a manager, who hasn't the brains to realise people come in all varieties and have different qualities. There is no requirement to bend yourself out of shape and pretend to be more extroverted and socially involved with work colleagues than is natural and comfortable for you. I would have said maybe drop a bit of cash in the collections, but then read your update re the level and frequency of that. Fuck that.