to ask if you would like me as a colleague?

[user908898]

My manager told me yesterday that I'm not a team player. I work in retail. He told me-

1. I'm too quiet I don't join in conversations
2. I haven't made an effort to join the facebook messenger /whatapp groups

3.I always leave work on time sometimes without saying goodbye to my colleagues (told him I have to collect DD from childminder so don't have time to wait for colleagues to finish serving customers to say goodbye).

1. I don't go to any social events they have (only Christmas party)
2. I don't socialise at lunchtime I sit reading my book
3. I don't contribute to collections (leaving, birthday etc)

He's knocked my confidence and made me feel that my colleagues don't like working with me.

AIBU
YABU - would dislike you as a colleague
YANBU - nothing wrong with you

I have never in my life contributed to staff collections. They are a racket.

You are my kind of colleague.

I'm at work to earn money and that's it. I've zero interest in what they do at weekends, what's going on in their lives, etc. if they decide to tell me, I make some noises and then move on to my reason for needing to talk to them.

The only social thing I do is the Christmas thing, as it ends up being a whole section "team meeting" that is spread over two days in a hotel and is mandatory. As soon as I can go, I'm gone. 2020 was great, as it didn't happen.

I work in a supermarket and tbh from your OP all of the individual things probably wouldn't bother people but all of them in together is probably just rubbing people up the wrong way as it comes off as very antisocial and standoffish.

You don't have to be the life and soul of the store but there is a middle ground between zero interaction and being involved in everything. You can be quiet without being rude, especially in retail where you're expected to be approachable to customers etc. You dont have to be BFFs with everyone you work with but you can be friendly and part of that is connecting with the people you work with rather than actively ignoring them.

1. I'm too quiet I don't join in conversations

When you say you don't join in is it that you don't join in general conversation or any conversation? Where I work there are often general conversations going on in the canteen that anyone can chip into and nobody would notice or be bothered if you didn't join in every single one but if you totally ignore everyone all of the time then that will be noticed. Equally if someone is trying to engage you in direct conversation and you are just ignoring them or shut them down every single time then that comes across as rude.

2. I haven't made an effort to join the facebook messenger /whatapp groups

Whilst FB/WhatsApp groups aren't compulsory, if your store/department has one why havent you joined? My department mostly uses ours to arrange shift swaps/ask for cover and arrange social events (eg, XYZ will be watching the England game at ABC bar on Wednesday of you want to join us; Bingo night on Friday, meet outside at 7pm; it's my birthday this week, if anyone fancies joining me for drinks I'll be at XYZ pub from 7pm on Sunday etc).

It's not really a chat group but pretty much the entire department is in it as its the easiest way to stay in contact with each other especially handy when you're desperate for a last minute shift swap and can get hold of everyone at once rather than having to beg everyone individually

3.I always leave work on time sometimes without saying goodbye to my colleagues (told him I have to collect DD from childminder so don't have time to wait for colleagues to finish serving customers to say goodbye).

This comes across as rude - surely you can spare 30 seconds to say goodbye and let your colleagues know you're leaving? I always make the effort to say bye to my colleagues firstly because it is courtesy and secondly so they know I have actually left (as opposed to gone on break/nipped to the loo/busy helping a customer etc). Even if they're chatting to a customer I have never had someone taking issue with me politely interrupting to say "Sorry to interrupt Sandra, its 2pm so I'm leaving now. My till's locked and I'll give the keys to John on the way out. See you next week"

4. I don't go to any social events they have (only Christmas party)

Again, not obligatory, but if you never go to any events then it will come across as antisocial, especially if everyone else meeting up regularly

5. I don't socialise at lunchtime I sit reading my book

Nothing wrong with reading a book but if everyone else is chatting around the tables and you're ignoring everyone at every break time then it can seem like you're actively blocking people out. You don't have to be bffs but an occasional chat about last nights Corrie over your sandwich wouldn't hurt.

6. I don't contribute to collections (leaving, birthday etc)

Again, totally optional but never being part of any collections adds to the pattern of behaviour (never contributing, never socialising etc) where you aren't making any effort to be part of the group and working in retail is all about give and take and working together.

Just from point 1 I know I'd like you. Can't stand inane chatter when I'm trying to get shit done.

Whilst FB/WhatsApp groups aren't compulsory, if your store/department has one why havent you joined?

Urgh, I hate work groups, I’m not going to be forced to join anything I don’t want to, I’m guessing op feels the same? Why should she?

You sound fine to me. Never felt the need to make friends at work. They're just colleagues, I really don't give much of a shit and can't wait to get away from them at the end of the day
Also I don't even use FB or whatsapp and I won't be using them for work, wtf is that about?

None of that would affect how I would feel about you being a colleague, but I have never worked in retail so perhaps its different.

Being a team player is important but in the context of pulling together to complete work tasks not in behaviours you have described.

If your leaving on time creates more work for the others then I can see that being an issue for them too.

That shouldn’t be the OPs problem, management should sort shifts so that their staff are able to leave on time.

YANBU OP, you sound fine to me.

When DD worked in retail she joined the group chat because people could swap shifts with each other if something came up.

Can't stand inane chatter when I'm trying to get shit done.

Neither can I, but why assume that all communication from colleagues is "inane chatter"?

I have never felt the need to make friends at work. They're just colleagues, I really don't give much of a shit and can't wait to get away from them at the end of the day

Why are you so negative towards your work colleagues? Have you never worked with someone that you liked and wanted to be friendly with?

I don't go to work to make friends, but I also don't go to work with the attitude that I don't want to get on with my colleagues either. I haven't liked eveyone I have ever worked with, but I doubt that anyone has.

The negativity from some posters on this thread is depressing. I get that a number of people are introverts - I'm married to one, but you can be introvert and friendly, or introvert and "I hate all people I work with", which some posters seem to be.

Not wanting to be friends with anyone you work with doesn't make you a morally superior being.

As others have said, working in retail does mean that you need great inter personal skills and the ability to interact with lots of people. There is a difference between 'just doing your job' and being great at customer service.

Your manager has obviously dealt with this clumsily but perhaps he is concerned you don't have the right skills for retail? I manage a small shop and it is clear that sales performance is much better when there is a strong team working together who get on well and have great interpersonal skills as this makes a good atmosphere for the shop.

@RampantIvy

When DD worked in retail she joined the group chat because people could swap shifts with each other if something came up.

Can't stand inane chatter when I'm trying to get shit done.

Neither can I, but why assume that all communication from colleagues is "inane chatter"?

I have never felt the need to make friends at work. They're just colleagues, I really don't give much of a shit and can't wait to get away from them at the end of the day

Why are you so negative towards your work colleagues? Have you never worked with someone that you liked and wanted to be friendly with?

I don't go to work to make friends, but I also don't go to work with the attitude that I don't want to get on with my colleagues either. I haven't liked eveyone I have ever worked with, but I doubt that anyone has.

The negativity from some posters on this thread is depressing. I get that a number of people are introverts - I'm married to one, but you can be introvert and friendly, or introvert and "I hate all people I work with", which some posters seem to be.

Not wanting to be friends with anyone you work with doesn't make you a morally superior being.

Neither an introvert or a very negative person. I will however continue to keep my colleagues as colleagues. I barely have time to pee and getting a lunch is about as rare as a mumsnetter getting along with their MIL. I really don't have time to chat to them during work and I certainly don't want to spend the occasional lunches I get with them.

@RampantIvy

When DD worked in retail she joined the group chat because people could swap shifts with each other if something came up.

Can't stand inane chatter when I'm trying to get shit done.

Neither can I, but why assume that all communication from colleagues is "inane chatter"?

I have never felt the need to make friends at work. They're just colleagues, I really don't give much of a shit and can't wait to get away from them at the end of the day

Why are you so negative towards your work colleagues? Have you never worked with someone that you liked and wanted to be friendly with?

I don't go to work to make friends, but I also don't go to work with the attitude that I don't want to get on with my colleagues either. I haven't liked eveyone I have ever worked with, but I doubt that anyone has.

The negativity from some posters on this thread is depressing. I get that a number of people are introverts - I'm married to one, but you can be introvert and friendly, or introvert and "I hate all people I work with", which some posters seem to be.

Not wanting to be friends with anyone you work with doesn't make you a morally superior being.

Thank you! It's actually bot disturbing and I have yro say that I am glad I haven't met co workers like that

I have never met anyone in real life who doesn't have or who has never made friends through or in work!! I have made some of my best friends through work! I think it's essential to get on with and get to know ppl if you are working closely with them. There's no way any of my team could be successful if we didn't aim to get to know each other and/or get on with each other.

@KikiniBamalam

Whilst FB/WhatsApp groups aren't compulsory, if your store/department has one why havent you joined?

Urgh, I hate work groups, I’m not going to be forced to join anything I don’t want to, I’m guessing op feels the same? Why should she?

I don't disagree, hence why I said they aren't compulsory - but generally in retail there is a need for communication and flexibility and I actually find that by having one place to communicate you don't have to deal with lots of random colleagues contacting you individually. Nobody is forcing you to participate, but if you are part of the group then you are showing willing to work with the rest of the team by keeping a line of communication open especially since, unlike office environments where everyone is generally in the same building 9-5 M-F, you may not see every colleague every day if you have different shift patterns.

Where I work our department WhatsApp group is used like a bulletin board for information - if someone wants a shift swap or needs cover; if there is or a suggestion for a social activity; if they have a general question about policy/updates; if they can't get hold of someone in store and want a message passing on; updates the Euro/World Cup/Grand National/Wimbledon sweepstake etc they put it all in the one group, everyone sees it and can choose when/if to respond and participate.

In a store I used to work at there was no WhatsApp group but you would get colleagues frequently messaging to ask you to swap shifts; managers messaging to ask you to cover extra hours; a million and one different message invites for every social event/collection etc. I found that much more intrusive as it took up more time dealing with individual requests/messages, and I couldn't just mute the conversations and check in periodically the same way I can with the group chat.

@qualitygirl

I have never met anyone in real life who doesn't have or who has never made friends through or in work!! I have made some of my best friends through work! I think it's essential to get on with and get to know ppl if you are working closely with them. There's no way any of my team could be successful if we didn't aim to get to know each other and/or get on with each other.

I don't think the op has intimated that she isn't friendly as such, just that she apportions her time differently to her colleagues.

When her children are older she will become more involved with colleagues.

Unless there are other factors we know nothing about, I do feel her boss was unfair to talk to her that way. We are not all the same and via la difference.

@melj1213 that all sounds way too intrusive. If I’m at home I’m at home, I don’t want to think about work, and so I don’t. Company Intranet all the way. No WhatsApp, no phone calls, nothing intrusive. I give you my time when I’m there, otherwise, forget it.

You sound nice and sensible, I'd like you as a colleague. Will run through these points with my retail manager hat on though- cause I used to be one.

1. Too quiet/don't join in conversations - not a problem unless it's affecting your customer service. His complaint doesn't seem to be on those grounds.
2. Not joining work group social media - not joining up or not joining in? The latter is fine as long as I knew you weren't avoiding posting because you felt uncomfortable. The former I would recommend as a way of staying in the loop. No need to reply but keep an eye on it.
3. Leaving work- it's courtesy to say bye to a manager but not necessary. If you sign out or search at end of shift, someone will see you anyway. And you have good reason.
4. Not going to work socials. Not a problem at all- as long as you're not avoiding going because you feel unwelcome - doesn't seem to be the case.
5. Not social at lunch- that's your time to do as you please with. Not his concern. I used to read on my breaks- after such a people heavy job it's good for you to tune out.
6. Not contributing to collections - you probably should do this. They can't make you though.

You would be my ideal colleague

1. I'm too quiet I don't join in conversations - not a problem as long as it doesn't affect your customer care
2. I haven't made an effort to join the facebook messenger /whatapp groups - What you do with your own personal mobile is your business, out of work hours you can do whatever you wish with your time

3.I always leave work on time sometimes without saying goodbye to my colleagues (told him I have to collect DD from childminder so don't have time to wait for colleagues to finish serving customers to say goodbye). - as a one off perfectly fine (like you said it was), every shift would be rude

1. I don't go to any social events they have (only Christmas party) - again fine
2. I don't socialise at lunchtime I sit reading my book - everyone needs some down time, I go out shopping in my lunch would your manager find that rude?
3. I don't contribute to collections (leaving, birthday etc) - don't blame you on this one, in my workplace I calculated that we had 35 collections in one year at £5 a time which is the normal (no-one ever puts a quid in) that was £175 for that year. I never put in after that especially as I have never received a collection/gift off my colleagues.

I'd like you. You're there to work not be their best mate and none of those things listed are required as part of the role. So long as you're polite, helpful and don't ignore people during working hours then you're fine.

I often go and read at lunch as well when I feel peopled out.

I wouldn't dislike you, but I wouldn't understand you at all. Why wouldn't you want to talk to colleagues? They're interesting and funny and you get so much more out of work if you do. Like a PP I've made some of my closest friends from each of my jobs.

Similarly socialising can actually be fun!

And there's a thin line between introverted and aloof and rude. I'm not saying you're the latter but ...

[quote KikiniBamalam]@melj1213 that all sounds way too intrusive. If I’m at home I’m at home, I don’t want to think about work, and so I don’t. Company Intranet all the way. No WhatsApp, no phone calls, nothing intrusive. I give you my time when I’m there, otherwise, forget it.[/quote]
Do you work in retail? Because in the supermarket I work in we don't have an intranet communication service that shop floor staff can access in store.

I think this is the disconnect - people who work in offices/at computers generally have automatic access to built in communication tools that are not available to shop floor retail staff who can go weeks before needing to use a work computer for anything.

My managers use Newsflash and Slack to communicate, as well as having official company emails, but shop floor staff do not have any kind of communication system (beyond department noticeboards for rotas/official company memos etc) but we pretty much all have a mobile phone so generally we use more informal communication systems like WhatsApp and/or FB message groups that are accessible to anyone.

My work WhatsApp group is muted so I don't get constant notifications but I can check in when it is convenient - I check in a couple of times a week, usually when I'm on the bus to/from work - but otherwise it couldn't be any less intrusive - I check it when I want and only respond to what is relevant when it is convenient.

Depends what you want out of the job. If you just want to do what you get paid for and get out on time without talking to anyone, then carry on. If you want promotion, or a glowing reference about why anyone would want you on their team, you might want to take the hint. A cheerful good morning, how are you? bye, have a good weekend, a bit of friendly chat and making sure you sign a card goes a long way. If you can't ever be flexible about leaving times, being flexible and supporting colleagues in other ways will be noticed too. I don't suppose for a moment your colleagues dislike you, but if you are not perceived as being 'part of the team' it may not help your career

Yanbu I’d love you as a colleague . You are employed to do a job and as long as that’s going smoothly then I can’t see the issue. I also have no interest in getting involved with people I work with either. I’m polite but they are not my friends and I would never socialise with any of them outside of work .