to ask if you would like me as a colleague?

[user908898]

My manager told me yesterday that I'm not a team player. I work in retail. He told me-

1. I'm too quiet I don't join in conversations
2. I haven't made an effort to join the facebook messenger /whatapp groups

3.I always leave work on time sometimes without saying goodbye to my colleagues (told him I have to collect DD from childminder so don't have time to wait for colleagues to finish serving customers to say goodbye).

1. I don't go to any social events they have (only Christmas party)
2. I don't socialise at lunchtime I sit reading my book
3. I don't contribute to collections (leaving, birthday etc)

He's knocked my confidence and made me feel that my colleagues don't like working with me.

AIBU
YABU - would dislike you as a colleague
YANBU - nothing wrong with you

I'm exactly the same except for the collections as I give to those. Not much though as I rarely have change in my purse.

Ironically, because I am like this, most people do like me (I just don't get very close) and I'm rarely involved in any dramas so it works for me.

My work life is not my social life .

YANBU. Just keep being yourself. There is nothing wrong with being an introvert as long as you do your job and you are polite to your colleagues. I hate chatting to people on my breaks, and collections annoy me when I have to give money to people I don't like!

Can't you see how not contributing to a collection is the way to be unpopular?

@Cosmos123

Can't you see how not contributing to a collection is the way to be unpopular?

So you have to pay for people to like you? Interesting....

I wouldn’t dislike you as a colleague but definitely prefer to work with people with good basic social skills - I don’t like pointless chit chat but it does make a difference to me to have people ask how my day is going or whatever.

Sometimes there’s people talking about, say, dieting, which doesn’t interest me at all, in which case I stay quiet and listen or find someone to discuss books or films with.

I would not read my book at lunchtime, that would feel rude. If I really wanted I’d do a bit of “how are your kids doing, any plans at the weekend?” Then say “right I’m just going to grab a bit of me time with my book before I go back”

Decent people assume there's a perfectly valid reason people don't contribute to collections. They don't assume the person is twat.

Decent people know that not everyone is able to put into collections for several reasons. Or know that its voluntary.

In fact, I bet most people don't want to contribute to collections. Then they resent it.

No one should have to pay to be seen as friendly. And these collections often put pressure on people who don't have a lot of spare money.

When I was in my first proper job aged 18 someone said to me the trick with fitting in with a new job I s to be a 'yes' person - eg join the tea club, go to social things, etc etc...I still remember the woman who brought in her own tea bags and didn't chip in for collections - she was a hard worker but I always found her aloof and hard to approach because of these little things so I think your boss has a point

Collections in a place where the team is small enough and people aren't low income are fine and a good way for colleagues to express appreciation. Collections where the eleventymillionth Tom Dick or Hay wants a slice of your tiny pie are something else and management should discourage it and signing a card would do give.
When I worked in retail saying goodbye want expected if the colleague was with a customer, you might catch their eye and wave but you wouldn't hang about for a goodbye! If you walk right past people who are not with customers avoiding eye contact that's something else.
The manager should encourage a clear office culture so that people who don't behave like work is a pool of potential best mates are still accepted so long as they are cooperative civilised human beings.
I think if you're a helpful and considerate colleague, smile a greeting etc and pull your weight there's no issue.
If you are brusque, blank people, take advantage of progress good nature that's crap, but the things they are pulling you up on don't do those.
I think you should talk to your manager and point out all the good colleague things you do and make sure they notice those too.

I wouldn’t dislike you, I wouldn’t give it a lot of thought, but you do sound like a miserable colleague. We all spend a lot of our waking hours at work, you might find being a little friendlier makes life more pleasant though.

You sound like me OP. Except I would contribute to collections. Not because I wanted to but, I’d feel like an asshole If I didn’t.

I'd love you.
You're there to do a job. Who cares how Jane's Friday night was or if Tina passed her test or if Jim booked his holiday or if Susan from accounts is still furious with Betty from the warehouse for not holding the lift last Tuesday?

You need money to fund your actual life. A job is a means to an end. All you need to be is polite and professional.

@Cosmos123

Can't you see how not contributing to a collection is the way to be unpopular?

Unpopular? We’re talking about work not high school.

I finish earlier than my colleagues, they work till the end of the day I work half days and finish at 2pm.

Oh this is their problem!! Some people really hate others working part time or getting to walk out sooner than them. I had this in a previous job. People treated me like I was a shirker for leaving at 2:30 (finish time was 2:00) when they had to stay til 5. No acknowledgement of the fact they were paid for those 3 extra hours! I wasn’t.

You need to come and work where I do. On my department we aren't allowed to chat, even if we're continuing to work. We actively get told "you are here to work not talk." even though staff on other departments are allowed.
It doesn't bother me because I'm quiet at work. I don't work past my shift time as it's unpaid.. I rarely contribute to collections as it's practically every other day. At break I will chat if there's only one or two others but not in a group.
As long as you do your work to a good standard and help others when you can then I can't see a problem.
Think you need to tell your manager if he wants to control your social interaction he can pay you more.

What I see from a lot of posters seems to be

I don't like this and it makes ME unhappy and uncomfortable so YOU must change.

Yeah...no.

@AlfiesMama85

You literally sound like me and comments like the one from your manager really p*ss me off.

Why do people think it is correct to behave the way they do but wrong to be the way we are?

As long as you do the work you are paid to do who cares if you contribute to the social aspect? Some of us have lives outside of work and just go there to pay the bills so no, YANBU at all. Continue being you and ignore the assh*le!!

Absolutely agree. This type of work is highly social by nature - I'd really need the quiet times to recuperate. Can't bloody stand extroverts with no empathy of understanding that some people can't live the way they do.

I wouldn't be in any WhatsApp / Facebook groups.

1. I'm too quiet I don't join in conversations

If he means work-related discussions, this is a reasonable comment. It's frustrating when it's always the same people having to come up with ideas. If he means social conversations, that should be entirely your choice.

2. I haven't made an effort to join the facebook messenger /whatapp groups

Hell would freeze over before I'd even join Facebook/Whatsapp let alone communicate with colleagues on it. Again, personal choice.

3.I always leave work on time sometimes without saying goodbye to my colleagues (told him I have to collect DD from childminder so don't have time to wait for colleagues to finish serving customers to say goodbye).

You're leaving work for the day, not embarking on a round the world voyage. You'll see them all again within 24 hours. Not necessary.

4. I don't go to any social events they have (only Christmas party)

Personal choice.

5. I don't socialise at lunchtime I sit reading my book

Personal choice.

6. I don't contribute to collections (leaving, birthday etc)

Do you accept gifts etc. when it's your birthday? If so I think you either need to contribute, or formally opt out.

I personally would contribute to collections if you can, also make the effort to have a short chat with colleagues before heading off with my book.

It’s difficult if you are someone who needs quiet and space and works in a public facing role, but there’s a mid way

As is usual on threads like this most posters seem to think it is all or nothing. There is a middle ground.

People are all different, and we need to accept that. Some are chatterboxes, and some are quiet. Those of you who go to work to just do your job and with no intention of ever talking to your colleagues sound rather joyless. And those of you think that being friends with work colleagues is a truly awful thing - why?

It doesn't cost anything to be polite. In my team we have some introverted members who don't say much, but they at least engage with us now and again. We accept them for the people they are because they are very good at what they do, and are as valuable to the team as the more chatty members.

We don't have a work WhatsApp/Messenger group. I think that is rather strange. We use Teams at work anyway, but we are office based, not retail. Is the WhatsApp group a social group or is it work related? If it is work related maybe it would be a good idea to join it.

Regardless of how you see yourself, if other people have commented that you aren't a team player it is worth reconsidering how you come across to your colleagues.

I also think that your manager has dealt with this very clumsily.

@ObviousNameChage

What I see from a lot of posters seems to be

I don't like this and it makes ME unhappy and uncomfortable so YOU must change.

Yeah...no.

What an overreaction. The OP was asking if people would like working with a colleague like her. People gave their opinions. End of.

I don't work in retail, but I am fairly similar to you and no-one has ever commented on it. However I don't go to work to make friends/socialise outside work so I wouldn't want to join in WhatsApp groups on my personal number that were unrelated to work matters.
I also don't contribute to the staggering amount of collections, but have said I don't want to receive anything for birthdays, etc. myself.

Hmmm, I’d think you were a bit anti-social, and that doesn’t necessarily make for a pleasant workplace.

Not contributing to collections is mean and ungenerous, and I dislike meanness or lack of generosity in people.

It’s possible to have a middle way - you could join in general chat at lunch time, but then go out for a walk and read your book elsewhere.

As for leaving on time - again on paper, perfectly fine, but there are ways and ways of doing this, if you don’t say goodbye to someone, it feels a bit rude.

If you do the main part of your job well, then there’s little to criticise, but if your antisocial behaviour is getting in the way of the whole team working effectively then there’s some thinking to do ...

Humans are social animals - work is generally better (people are happier, do their job better are more productive) if work happens in a happy atmosphere. How are you contributing to that, @user908898 ?

You sound perfect to work with OP :)
I'd rather work with someone who came in and just got on with their work quietly than people who spend the whole time nattering (they tend to be less productive and make more mistakes IMHO).
Any hours that they are not paying you (lunchbreak, end of day, nights out etc) - you can do whatever the fuck you want. Join in if you want to, or not.

I think he sounds mean. Some are naturally quieter than others. If everyone were loud and extrovert there would be clashes. In the council now it's seen as discriminatory to select on personality type. You adapt to the person employed, regardless of what they're like.