to ask if you would like me as a colleague?

[user908898]

My manager told me yesterday that I'm not a team player. I work in retail. He told me-

1. I'm too quiet I don't join in conversations
2. I haven't made an effort to join the facebook messenger /whatapp groups

3.I always leave work on time sometimes without saying goodbye to my colleagues (told him I have to collect DD from childminder so don't have time to wait for colleagues to finish serving customers to say goodbye).

1. I don't go to any social events they have (only Christmas party)
2. I don't socialise at lunchtime I sit reading my book
3. I don't contribute to collections (leaving, birthday etc)

He's knocked my confidence and made me feel that my colleagues don't like working with me.

AIBU
YABU - would dislike you as a colleague
YANBU - nothing wrong with you

Also I guess it depends the type of retail. A small fabric store or a specialist model train store - definitely a knowledgeable introvert would be ideal staff. A teen/young hip and happening clothes store or a specialist make up store, a shy person might be not really capturing the mode.

One thing that stands out - not a single criticism, not one, was about how you are with the customers so take huge confidence from that.

The problem is his not yours

@KarmaViolet

I'd love you as a colleague. I can't stand the enforced lunchtime socialising - at places I've worked it's been a tedious parade of diet talk.

THIS.

Diet talk, weekly weigh ins (it’s not SW ffs), bake a cake Friday (the irony), endless chat about pets, tv shows, handbags and cocktail parties...
It’s dire.

You sound a lot like me, OP.

Sadly, it resulted in me getting bullied out of my last retail job.

If you are generally friendly and nice then nothing on your list would bother me aside from not contributing to collections (although I can understand if there are loads then it is difficult). Being a social butterfly is not in the job contract.

I also used to sit reading alone on my lunch break (pre-Covid) and the idea that that is rude in any way is astounding. I need quiet time to feel ok and I love to read. Forcing myself to converse with colleagues instead of recharging would drive me around the bend

@Holyridonkulus

The problem is his not yours

I assume the problem is colleagues'... This usually comes from other team members

Actually, op, none of your managers points are things you should be appraised on. Utter bollocks, just ignore.

Diet talk, weekly weigh ins (it’s not SW ffs),

Where the hell do you people work

Don't work in retail but you really don't sound like a "team player" which can be important in many jobs tbh 🤷‍♀️

I used to be like you. It does get peoples back up sadly. I learnt to have a work persona that was more outgoing but I did go home knackered from the effort of being what I'm not. I just copied a few traits of an extrovert friend. At one place as I left my work bay I'd do a 'Goodnight all' to avoid the inevitable 'she didn't personally say goodnight to me' ( very social but v bitchy marjeting place,). Just put 50p in collections if money is tight. They can't comment re amount: that would be hideously bad etiquette. And do the chit chat at the copier or kettle re EastEnders or Love Isand. Job done. You can use childcare excuse re the outings.

You're fine. You aren't there to socialise, you are there to earn money. You sound like my ideal employee. As long as you contribute to the work, then carry on as you are. Keep out of the drama!

I was shy and introverted. And I thought that's what other people saw too. It took years before I discovered that what I thought they saw as just quiet, was perceived as me being standoffish. I had to change, and fast. And it worked for both me and my colleagues. I got more confident and they saw that I was one of them.

Someone in our staffroom reading through their whole break without joining in general chat, would be perceived as unfriendly. And joining the whatsapp doesn't mean you have to chat in it all the time, or even often. But it shows willing. Sometimes you just need to put a bit extra in if you want to be accepted.

None of these issues are related to your performance. I wouldn’t be happy if my manager said that to me. I don’t use FB so I can’t join in with any FB chats, I don’t particularly like to socialise with colleagues outside work anymore. And you can sit and read a book on your break if you like.

Just an fyi, chot chat can be about books, movies, travel, food...
Not just diets and Eastenders. 😂

You sound like me.
I’d like you a lot.
Shite feedback. Personal and not based on professional performance.

Think no more about it.
You’re fine.

You sound totally normal to me ! Your doing you !! My daughter is the same it’s work not a social club big hugs 🤗 xxx

urgh collections, I used to just put a few quid in back before covid when it was the anonymous envelope but now it's all on paypal and once everyone else starts putting in five or ten pound and it's all displayed who paid what, I feel cheap putting £2.50 or whatever in. it's costing me a fortune!

OP I don't think you are unreasonable but for a quiet life I would probably do one or two of the things he mentioned. e.g. christmas party if that's the only social event they do all year then surely you could pop along for an hour or two and then leave? Whats app group join it and mute it, just add the random 'happy birthday' or whatever now and again. It might even be useful if you need to swap a shift or whatever. I was going to say it is rude not to say hello/goodbye to colleagues when you come and go but having read your update I would have actually challenged him on that one if it's how you say and said 'I always say hello and goodbye but that one occasion x was busy serving a customer. Would you have preferred that I interrupted them?'

I really like chatting and being friends with work colleagues , but everyone is different and as you and other people have said there are lots of different ways of being a 'team player.' Most people would prefer someone who is quiet but pulls their weight over the life and soul of the party who always pulls a last minute sickie or takes the piss with workload.

Are any of those things listed in your contract? I wouldn't think so, therefore you are not being unreasonable.

Collections really annoy me. For those saying it's only a few pounds, please remember part timers don't earn as much, and you have no idea what financial pressure a person may be under.

The only thing I would suggest is a cheery "see you tomorrow" as you leave.

Sounds fine - but would you speak to me in the lunchroom if I asked how you were/said that customer was really hard work or would you say 'fine/uh-huh' and go straight back to your book?

I'm all for avoiding greater expense and socials (I seek out colleagues on SM specifically to block them before they know of my online existence), gifting and not spending any longer in the company of colleagues than is strictly necessary, but a monosyllabic response or nothing at all would make me feel that you probably didn't like me but an occasional chat and a smile could help show you're 'nice' and quiet.

I reckon I'd really dislike your boss, though. Really dislike him.

You sound exactly like me 😀. I wish more people in my workplace were like this. Your manager is completely out of order by saying these things to you.

You sound just fine to me op

yanbu. we stopped "expected donation" collections at work because we were a team with various income levels and financial responsibilities. What's with the goodbye to colleagues nonsense? I mean yes if you are going out the door and pass someone you'd say see you or whatever but this is not primary school where you say bye bye to the teacher when dismissed!...yes if there is a sign out procedure then you have to do that. And again what is with this "socialise at lunchtime...all going out together nonsense? My time, lunchtimes and not in work time, is my own to spend how I like. provided you are polite, hard working and as has been said support the team when staff are short and so on, he's talking out of his bum

I reckon I'd really dislike your boss, though. Really dislike him

To be fair, he's unlikely to have worked this out for himself. I doubt he has much to do with her. It's much more likely that people have mentioned these things to him. If this was an appraisal or something, he needs to mention these things.

As long as you do your job and are pleasant then I don’t see the problem and think your manager is being massively unfair.

I’d much prefer to work with someone a bit quiet than some of the absolute gobshites that I have worked with. 😬

Don’t let it affect your confidence. Just be yourself.

If this was an appraisal or something, he needs to mention these things.

Oh come on. As a manager, you’d be on dodgy ground mentioning a few of those things in an appraisal, certainly the not contributing to collections will be completely inappropriate and irrelevant.