to ask if you would like me as a colleague?

[user908898]

My manager told me yesterday that I'm not a team player. I work in retail. He told me-

1. I'm too quiet I don't join in conversations
2. I haven't made an effort to join the facebook messenger /whatapp groups

3.I always leave work on time sometimes without saying goodbye to my colleagues (told him I have to collect DD from childminder so don't have time to wait for colleagues to finish serving customers to say goodbye).

1. I don't go to any social events they have (only Christmas party)
2. I don't socialise at lunchtime I sit reading my book
3. I don't contribute to collections (leaving, birthday etc)

He's knocked my confidence and made me feel that my colleagues don't like working with me.

AIBU
YABU - would dislike you as a colleague
YANBU - nothing wrong with you

There's nothing there that would make me dislike you, buti imagine it would be more "oh yeah she's fine, she does her job" rather than "oh yeah she's lovely, I love being on shift with her" because no one can get to know you. But that's ok.

Not contributing to collections is not rude. A person's financial situation is their private business and no one should be guilted into giving money.

I never give to collections. Most people leaving my department already earn considerably more than me and would generally be leaving to earn even more on top of that. I also wouldn't be attending your birthday party/wedding/child's birth. So no you can't have my last fiver.

I work in retail and I would be happy to work with you but I'm glad I don't have a manager like yours.

I imagine your colleagues feel that you lack goodwill - you don't want to make friends with them, and you leave as soon as the clock says you can. They don't understand the reasons for this, because you're unable to get to know any of them well enough to trust them with details of your personal life which is fair enough.

I can see both viewpoints, is what I'm saying. You have good reasons to be detached from the team, but it's inevitable that you'll be seen as a standoffish outlier - most people like to have friendly relationships with their colleagues, and the WhatsApp, birthday celebrations etc play a part in that in most workplaces.

I honestly think this is fine. I also work in retail and it pisses me off how my managers are always expecting us to go ‘the extra mile.’ It’s a minimum wage job with no benefits. I show up, do my job competently, and go home. I’m pleasant but distant, and I no longer give to collections as there seemed to be constant birthdays, weddings, engagements, baby showers etc. It was never ending.

You're grand, OP.
I worked in retail for 5 years.

I would try to catch their eye & wave as leaving, is only thing I would like you to do different, just so they know you've gone. that to me feels like basic liaison to know what other staff are still on shift.

I do tend to call out a sort of general ‘bye everyone, have a good rest of the day’ as I’m leaving. Just feels odd otherwise!

You behave in the way I intend to from now on. I don't go out with my colleagues as nights out are invariably in the opposite direction from my 35 mile commute and I have DCs to sort out. I do chat at lunchtime, I make sure I greet people in the morning and say goodbye in the afternoon and I always contribute to gifts - but it's as if I don't exist. They've had another significant party that I've not been invited to this weekend and summer drinks will, as usual, be half an hour in the wrong direction on Year 6 DD's last day at primary.

I plan to separate my work and personal life completely from now on, and just keep it entirely professional.

Has he given you any feedback on the quality of your actual work?

He sounds like a dick, tbh.

Don’t get my wrong, I socially interact with my colleagues all the time. I’m very good friends with a few of them and will go out for meals and drinks etc. Doesn’t mean I would think any less of someone who didn’t! How ridiculous!

It wasn't a work review. Some colleagues raised it, he then did the right things and shared it with an op. As a manager should. It's not just about "what's in your contract to do". Workplace mood is important too so if anyone raises issues, it should be talked about. People need to stop pretending they are a singular unit in a team place🙄
I agree with collections being ott though

YANBU
you actually sound like someone I'd like to work alongside.

You do your job and leave, You're professional,

Your manager wants you to fully immerse your life into this role.

Oh this reminds me of a job I had when I was 19. Area manager knew me from previous work experience and appointed me to join a particular office while the office manager was on holiday, so the office manager came back to find me in situ and clearly wasn’t happy.
He waited till the area manager himself was on holiday and promptly sacked me, with one of the main reasons being that I didn’t join in with office conversations. No, because I worked with three men and all they talked about was bloody football in which I had zero interest. One of them I got on really well with - I would have described us as friends - and we talked about lots of different things when we were on our own but office conversations as such were invariably about football.
Anyway area manager came back to find me gone and immediately found me a temporary post elsewhere in the company, but I soon found another permanent job elsewhere and was much happier.
It stung at the time, both being dismissed and my so called friend clearly knowing what was going to happen as he left in a rush that day and didn’t stick around to see if I was ok, but now I see it was just office politics and mind games between the two managers.
It doesn’t sound to me that you are a problem. I’m quiet myself and would prefer to work with someone who gets on with the job than someone who endlessly yaps on.

I don't think you are being U as such but I wouldn't warm to you if you behaved like this in my workplace.

I'd make no effort with you either and it's not good for a team if people aren't friendly to one another. I think it's quite important to be able to join in conversation with the rest of a team. And for your manager to broach this with you, it must be pretty bad.

There is only one thing I hate more at work than people who try to get you to fulfill their social needs and that is a manager who abuses their position to enforce it.

That said, I would contribute to collections, even if you can only afford a couple of pounds. It's a nice thing to do without taxing your time or tolerance for social interaction.

I voted YANBU but really it would depend on whether I got the impression that you actively disliked the rest of us, or were just a bit socially awkward/shy/quiet in general.

OP, you sound like me lol

Go to work, be polite/friendly, do the job and go home

A lot of the things your manager has mentioned are unfair imo, they aren't requirements of your job. To me it shows that they themselves are unprofessional

Being in Facebook and WhatsApp work groups, get a life! The last thing I want is to be harassed by work related "banter" when I'm at home. I want to forget about work

Contributing to collections is voluntary. Your manager sounds like a joke

I hate the fact that to some people being a 'team player' means giving up loads of your outside- of- work time. I think you need a different boss. You're doing nothing wrong imo.

1. I'm too quiet I don't join in conversations

Not at all? You don’t chat at all? That’s a shame

1. I haven't made an effort to join the facebook messenger /whatapp groups

Think that’s fine I wouldn’t either

3.I always leave work on time sometimes without saying goodbye to my colleagues (told him I have to collect DD from childminder so don't have time to wait for colleagues to finish serving customers to say goodbye).

I think that’s rude. If you don’t say goodbye, send a text

1. I don't go to any social events they have (only Christmas party)

That’s ok but sometimes worth going for a quick drink

1. I don't socialise at lunchtime I sit reading my book

Up to you but pretty anti social and I can see if it’s added to everything else you say it can come across as a bit aloof

1. I don't contribute to collections (leaving, birthday etc

You could stick a £ in here and there

As your colleague - I’d certainly get the impression that you didn’t care much for your colleagues. You work half days and can’t even be bothered to eat lunch with people for example. The collections are over the top though.
Having said that - why do you care whether they like you if you just want to do your job and go home? You clearly don’t want to hang out with them as friends either (unless there’s a reason I.e too far/too expensive?)

In most professional roles people won’t be penalised for behaving the way you do. But doing well at most jobs involve building relationships and someone who clearly doesn’t care about that won’t get very far.

You sound like someone I could be best friends with! What's the name of your manager, where do they live and can I punch them on their nose?!

Obviously lighthearted (about nose punching!), but you sound like a lovely, honest and genuine person OP. An asset to any workplace.

He's knocked my confidence and made me feel that my colleagues don't like working with me.

This kind of feedback is never nice to hear, OP. Your colleagues may feel like this too, though. Has there been a recent incident in work for them to raise this now? As for the 'team player', you could push back on this by pointing out what you do during your work time.

I would work with you. I love my colleagues but sometimes I'm very much do my shift and leave 😂😂 you shouldn't have to change who you are. Your breaks and lunchtime is for you to wind down a bit and relax. No one in my office chats through lunch. We all do our own thing and switch off. Also it's ridiculous that you should feel forced to contribute to whip rounds. I don't unless it's someone I know well. If I haven't contributed I don't sign the card simple as that. Don't let anyone make you feel bad for just being you

Managers in retail are usually pretty terrible tbh.

Do not stay late at work in a minimum wage job.

Hmm. I'd say maybe a little rude, but not really something I'd think they could bring up to be honest?

It's all part and parcel of people having different personalities isn't it?