Is parenting really that bad?

[doesparentingsuck]

NC for this but there seems to be a lot of threads lately about motherhood and regrets and how people love their kids but hate being a mother.

I appreciate that you are more likely to post negativity than express happiness especially on a forum - but I honestly just don't understand why people are that dissatisfied with being parents and then go on to have more children.

Is it really that bad, really? I'm asking too because Im worried about TTC and can't work out if this is going to be a love or hate for me.

Is it the circumstances around the situation (ie lack of money/time to oneself) perhaps that make people hate it as opposed to being a mother/father?

Or even if they had all the support and things you wanted is it still something so many people would hate?

Honestly I think a lot of it is about support. I adore being a mother, but I'm in the fortunate position of being home full time with my baby, and my parents live locally and work from home, so I know that adult company is only ever a short walk away. If you're basically on your own with your kids 24/7 and never get a break, then I can imagine that that would be fairly draining

I think you have to be careful about taking the things people say in the hardest moments as gospel, or indicative of the whole experience.

My own experience is that there have been times which have been some of the worst / hardest in my life - having to find a way of going on no matter how tired you are, sleep deprivation, the relentlessness of being needed so much and getting so little respite. At times I’ve definitely said to my husband ‘why did we do this!’ Or ‘this was a terrible mistake’. I expect those are the moments which get posted on mumsnet - people reaching out in despair at the hardest point.

The reality is so much more complex. Parenting has given me pride and joy and love like I’ve never felt before. And I simply cannot imagine - or even bear to imagine - what life would be like without my baby.

So yes, it’s absolutely as bad as people say sometimes. But it’s also sometimes the most magical and rewarding experience of your life.

Completely agree with everything @Gladiolys has said!

I felt I lost a part of myself and for me going back to work for a few hours reminded me that I am not just mum

I do think a lot of people seem to be unprepared before having children and get overwhelmed once they gave them. I think it's important to spend time with children as much as you can first to get a bit of experience. I was lucky I had siblings younger than me, then nieces and nephews etc so I haven't found it difficult practically. However I work full time as a nurse as well so I am knackered I guess nothing can prepare you fully though right?

I hate being a mum but then I’m a fully lone parent so depends on circumstances I would say

In my opinion, no, it really isn’t.
I do think it depends on circumstances. We have a very healthy disposable income, no mortgage, I’m a SAHM and so are my closest friends so we have a good social life, I don’t have the working mum guilt or have the stress of arranging childcare. I can imagine if you have money worries or no support or no friends it’s hard.
My parents see my DC regularly but mine have never stayed out over night. Just personal preference.

Depends on your personality and disposition I think. It helps if your a laid back, go with the flow kinda person. I don’t think it’s that bad, it’s an adventure and life isn’t the same as pre baby but I wouldn’t change it for the world. I don’t have any family support either, me and DH do it all between us but the highs massively outweigh the lows.

Toddlers are mental but I just roll my eyes, go with it and drink wine in the kitchen 😂

I find being a parent much, much harder than I thought it would be.

But I love my child so incredibly much, I never knew it was possible to feel so much love. And if I could turn the clock back I would definitely still have her.

But:

• I only have one child
• DH & I are fit and well
• DH is supportive
• I have supportive family locally who help out
• DC is relatively “easy”, ie no special needs, has always slept fairly well (subject to the usual bad phases when teething, sick, etc) and it generally a happy character, settled into childcare easily, plays well with other kids etc

• we’re financially comfortable, so for example I can afford to make life easier for myself by treating us to lunch out and pay for childcare if I want a morning to myself

• I get paid enough that I wasn’t forced to give up work & have a job that let me work flexibly

So yes I think a lot depends on circumstances, and if I had a useless DH, no money, a child with additional needs, no family support, health issues myself, had been made redundant when I became a mum then my enjoyment of parenting would definitely be less (although I’d still love my child the same)

I think if you are on the fence about having DC then don’t.

The first year was shit (had a particularly challenging baby) but after that it has been the best thing to ever happen to me. My life is so much better and I am so glad I have been able to be a parent.

'i do think a lot of people seem to be unprepared before having children and get overwhelmed once they gave them. I think it's important to spend time with children as much as you can first to get a bit of experience'

Having worked with parents and children for years, yes a million times to this. So many people become parents without any experience whatsoever of being around children, and zero clue about what children need. Of course nobody knows everything, and everyone has lots to learn along the way, but starting off utterly clueless seems to be setting yourself up for an incredibly hard time

I found it pretty grim when I was stuck in the middle of a noisy city with 2 bad sleepers and had crushing sleep deprivation.

Find it much nicer in the quiet countryside with 2 who are now hilarious and sleep well.

So yes, it’s absolutely as bad as people say sometimes. But it’s also sometimes the most magical and rewarding experience of your life.

I've never felt any magic or reward .

17 years of misery and counting.

My mental health is shot and I'll never have a day of peace again because I worry all the time.

I hate being a parent.

I do love my child and I work hard to shield them from all this but it must have an effect.

It’s both incredibly hard, frustrating at times, absolutely exhausting, you never stop worrying, you never have any time to yourself. It’s also the best thing I’ve ever done, I’ve never loved so hard, smiled so much, laughed and generally enjoyed myself so much. It’s all of those things rolled into one. You can’t have one side of it without the other. So don’t believe it’s all bad or that it’s all good.

I have 2 year old twins, so there are fabulous highs and terrible lows.

Do I regret it? Not for a single second.

Being a mother is the best thing I've ever done and I went through hell and back to get there. I had been around babies my whole life and thought I would be like a duck to water but until it happens you really don't realise how much you will love them and how much you will do for them because of that and the worry it will bring.

Its a hell of a lot of pressure. Add onto that just general responsibilities of caring for them like feeding, cleaning, disciplining, educating. You are always questioning what's right and what's wrong and what's best for your child.

I have totally neglected myself too since my DD arrived. My life revolves around her. It's a choice I've made and one that makes me happy but I do think a better balance could probably be struck.

@minipie

I think if you are on the fence about having DC then don’t.

Yes, I would echo this

I enjoyed parenting hugely until covid hit so I think a lot of the recent threads may be caused by that. I felt I was doing well and enjoyed the challenge and the amazing process of having a child. Number 2 was a lockdown baby and it’s been the hardest 15 months of my life. PND, lockdown so no support, money worries, relationship pressure trying to both work and sort childcare, multiple episodes of self isolation for DC1. It’s been horrific to be honest and I won’t leave covid the positive sunny happy mother I went into it. It makes me sad for my children that their early childhood is nothing like I thought it was. However there are also huge highs and I can’t imagine life without them. It’s been a tough tough time to be a parent though.

I have a child with Sn's.. it is bloody hard work... however nothing and no one else in thevworld would i consider the effort to bebworth it. He completes me.

Yes. Single parent to three, two with ALN, constant hassle off ex husband despite being divorced ten years... work nigh on full time as well as spending two hours a day in the car doing school runs. I have minimal support and I do EVERYTHING. My kids are lazy as. I love them but bloody hell I wish someone would give me a break.

I read those threads & I completely empathise but don’t understand. I don’t feel like that, my children are 5, 3 & 3 months & yes I’m tired & it can be hard work but it’s lovely. I love being a parent & love having a big family - I’m planning another.
I also work full time when not on mat leave so parenting isn’t ‘my world’ which I think helps. They bring me a lot of joy & I enjoy days out, caravan holidays, meals out, family days. It certainly isn’t ‘boring’ as some people feel, in a way I relive things I wanted to do in my childhood but didn’t have the money to
Not everyone feels like that but I’m not going to go on those threads & say it! So I think you will get a bias view from them. Parenting can be fantastic, fun & so rewarding!
Good luck.

Having a kid has honestly ruined my life and I get a lot of support too. l dread every single day and even when my mum babysits it depresses me more cause it reminds me of how things could be if it was just me and DH. I would die for her but I fucking hate being a parent. It's soul destroying. She's nearly three and so far it's just got progressively worse. My advice to people thinking of having kids is DON'T.

@B0YS that’s so lovely and positive. I really think working helps hugely- I’ve struggled more since going more part time and constantly wonder if I should up my hours. I think that might help actually.

I love it but I waited until I was 36

If you think you might not like it then I'd hesitate.

I love my kids and I love being a mum. I love doing stuff with them.
I don't love my lack of alone time (and I have way more than most parents) and I did not love being sleep deprived for four years, nor the stress and worry of dealing with a child's health issues. Juggling children and a full time job is challenging.
The being a parent bit in terms of raising them and teaching values, helping through emotional things, I find totally fine.

I'd say, look at the things you find hard in your day to day life..and try and project them forward onto life with children IYSWIM. Do you hate going without sleep or being pawed or pestered or relied upon? Then these things will be difficult when you have children.

I read a lot of replies on these types of threads where people say going back to work helped and that it's a "break" for them and whilst I agree I also think it's incredibly sad. I have a room to myself at work now because of covid and its the only time I ever get peace. We shouldn't get more peace at work than in our homes.