Is parenting really that bad?

[doesparentingsuck]

NC for this but there seems to be a lot of threads lately about motherhood and regrets and how people love their kids but hate being a mother.

I appreciate that you are more likely to post negativity than express happiness especially on a forum - but I honestly just don't understand why people are that dissatisfied with being parents and then go on to have more children.

Is it really that bad, really? I'm asking too because Im worried about TTC and can't work out if this is going to be a love or hate for me.

Is it the circumstances around the situation (ie lack of money/time to oneself) perhaps that make people hate it as opposed to being a mother/father?

Or even if they had all the support and things you wanted is it still something so many people would hate?

I love being parent. I only have one though and I was am older mum so happy to forgo parties Ns going out, I felt like I'd done all that so no sacrifice to give up holidays and settle for a caravan in sout end instead, IYSwIM

I haven't RTFT so sorry if this has been said, but there's something weird going on on MN at the moment with loads of those 'I hate being a mother' threads not only being created, but also being dragged up from the archives and shoved back into Active. I'm not sure what the agenda might be but it seems to me that there is one. Almost certainly a misogynistic one

What I find misogynistic is that a woman cannot express feelings of regret, disappointment or ambivalence about Motherhood without being told that she is mentally ill. Yes, some women who feel negatively about their parenting experience may feel that way due to PND but the assumption is inherently misogynistic. Hardly surprising as there is a very long history of women's emotional responses to situations being medicalised. If a man was sat in the Pub with his mates and confided that although he loves his kids dearly and would die for them in a heartbeat, he doesn't enjoy parenting and if he had his time again then, on balance, he would probably stay childfree I don't think the response would be "you must be depressed", "talk to your GP", "have you thought about medication?"

@StormBaby

I loved parenting children until they got to about 15. We were always really close, I’ve never shouted at, hit or abused them. I worked my arse off to provide for them, and they literally don’t care about me at all. My children have treated me terribly from 15-21. I’ve just had to ride it out and keep quiet and wait for them to grow up a bit. It’s not been fun.

I distinctly remember one Christmas looking at my mum who had spent all morning preparing an amazing lunch and seeing her face crumble when I said I wasn't hungry because I was still feeling sick after being out drinking the night before.

I vowed there and then I would stop being a selfish little so and so and never did that again.

I no doubt found other ways to make her feel like shit but it wasn't deliberate.

Hang on in there

@Washimal I agree completely. If a man does these things his mental health is never questioned.

Why should women not be able to express dissatisfaction about motherhood without being labelled.

[quote doesparentingsuck]@Washimal I agree completely. If a man does these things his mental health is never questioned.

Why should women not be able to express dissatisfaction about motherhood without being labelled. [/quote]
Women are just lobbed anti depressants about all sorts of things, including child rearing and menopause.

I think it very much depends on the individual circumstances.

I found the first 2 years really, really hard. DS was not an easy baby and I had a very difficult birth. Returned to a job that I wasn't really happy in which made it worse. Looking back, it was more that I was traumatised from the birth and unhappy at work than DS himself. I went out of my way to ensure that he had everything and was provided for though.

After that, it got infinitely easier and I absolutely love it now. I have my career so I am still me.

DS is 7 and so much fun and an easy kid. We can go places e.g. for a meal and it's lovely having him enjoy it with us. This weekend we had a night in the lakes at a friend's wedding and again, it was great. He ate the meal, played all night with the other kids and slept in the hotel room without any issue.

It would be a very different experience if he wasn't easy going though.

I think some stages are are hard but some parents make things harder. Baby and toddler years were hell me for me, I don't like that stifling feeling of being so needed and I struggled not communicating with them on the same "level". At primary school I find it much more rewarding but I will never be the kind of parent where my children are my universe, they are a part of my life rather than the reason for it, which I personally think gives us a healthier relationship. I'm lucky to have a lot of family support and no additional needs, I think if either of those two things were different I'd find parenting extremely difficult and it is (one) reason why I'm sticking firmly to 2 children and not pushing my luck with more.

I'm not one of those natural mothers I don't think, I kept a hold of a lot of my pre-children selfishness, but I've found a way to parent in a way that I genuinely believe works well for my kids whilst not jeopardising my own mental health, I very much believe my DH and I are people who deserve to be happy too and I hope I raise better children for it. I guess what I'm trying to say is I think some parents make themselves martyrs and make it much harder than it needs to be.

I love being a mum. It is expensive, exhausting, comes with a lot of responsibilities, and requires a lot from you in the way of “stuff I’d rather not do right now”, but for me the benefits far outweigh the downsides. It is a wonderful thing having your own tribe at home of people you love and who love you unconditionally. During lockdown, none of us was especially lonely because we had critical mass of people at home to have some social stimulation. I think having kids can give you a sense of purpose and also something to look forward to in your older years. It is a delight to watch these people that you made grow up and develop skills, talents, personality quirks, etc. It is really fun as they get older getting to share experiences like holidays, funny family moments, etc.

I think it is totally possible to have a fulfilling and meaningful life without children, but for me they are definitely a net positive, all pros and cons considered.

You can’t force someone into existence because you’re bored with your life, OP. And if you’re expecting ‘joyousness’…well…. Good luck though.

I always find it strange when so many people go on about how they hate, can’t stand, other people’s kids, but their own, with their genes, are magical. do they kiss themselves in the mirror? 😂

@Washimal is spot on.

I bloody love it. You don't seem to hear many people say that, and I got grief on here once for suggesting that it's just not the done thing to coo over how much you love being a mum anymore. I think it's true, people seem to enjoy the misery and sharing that misery too but it's really not that bad for everyone, but people who enjoy it feel they can't say so or will offend those who struggle

You can’t force someone into existence because you’re bored with your life, OP. And if you’re expecting ‘joyousness’…well…. Good luck though.

Never said I was expecting joyousness you obv haven't read the thread. I actually described the first few years as likely to be hell on earth.

Also, not sure why someone would have kids if they didn't expect it to add something to their lives?

You can't tell me everyone does it for the greater good of the world (in which case we need less people not more)

Anyone that had children not to get something out of it (whether it be joy, purpose, etc) is a liar IMO (unless it was an accident)

@NowEvenBetter I also never said I hate other people kids - I just have little interest in them

@bishbashbosh99 you’re probably right, is it maybe that if you’re in the depths of hell period that if someone’s saying ‘I love being a parent and find it easy’ or similar it’s going to look like ‘how can you enjoy this?! I haven’t slept more than 45 minutes in 3 months’. So either the person has forgotten what it’s like to be there in that moment, which is quite frankly easy to do, we’ve already forgotten the newborn stage and DS is only 1 😂 me and DP are like ‘can’t wait to have a newborn’ or they didn’t experience that particular thing, what ever it is that they’re struggling with.

I can remember parents telling me enjoy the newborn phase because they’re so tiny and grow so fast, at the time we were thinking secretly ‘great, I can’t wait to have some sleep’. It’s all already forgotten. Sing it from the rooftops either way.

One is easy. I think a lot of people make the mistake of having more before they've really experienced parenting an actual child rather than a baby. I certainly know a fair few women who regretted having another. Those with one seem the happiest.

@FTEngineerM yes definitely people don't want to hear if you're finding it easy if they're struggling (understandably) I would end up pretending I also found it hard which is just ridiculous really if you think about it. I also wonder if because I suffered losses before my kids came along I just wanted it so badly that I would enjoy every second.

Do not underestimate the teenage/later years. So much talk about the early years being difficult. Later years can be much worse. Maybe we all think we'll be such wonderful parents and our teenagers will be lovely, compliant, with no issues. I don't think you can control the outcome , influence yes. Teenage years by far the worst here.

@woodlands01 agree it's all a gamble at the end of the day and that is going to massively contribute how much you enjoy or hate the experience I guess

Honestly, for me the first few months were HARD and then loved every second since. Even through teeth, tears and tantrums, still love it. Sleep deprivation and the long lonely days at the beginning were the hardest, but again I had no one else to support (thanks covid). She's 11 months now and can not explain in words how amazing it is to watch them reach new milestones, see the joy on their face with experiencing new things and the love is unconditional.

I think you know in your heart of hearts if it's what you want. Just go into it with your eyes wide open, do whatever you need to do to get through the first few months..ask for help, order food in, lower standards with housework, go out for a walk every day if you can, but also don't feel pressured into leaving the house if you're not feeling it. Above all, continue to wear the maternity pants after the postpartum period, they're hideous but omg SO COMFORTABLE!

Is it the circumstances around the situation (ie lack of money/time to oneself)

I think it can be, but not necessarily. I have a very 'hands on' DH, we're comfortable financially, my parents are local and incredibly supportive. I have a job that I love and allows me to retain some sense of identity. I am very fortunate in lots of ways but I have found being a Parent so much harder than I thought.
I adore my DC but if I could go back in time would I definitely still have them? I'm honestly not sure. I think the answer probably changes day to day. There are aspects of parenting that I enjoy but I'm not sure they balance out the exhaustion, the relentlessness, the repetition, the crushing guilt, the worry and the 24/7 responsibility that you can never truly switch off from even if you are lucky enough to get an occasional break.

As for why people go on to have more when they struggled the first time around, it's a fair question but I think the answers are complicated. Hormones, societal pressure, stigma around only children (ridiculous, but still exists) your own family background probably all play a part. The first couple of years of my DD's life are a bit of a blur. The birth was traumatic and with hindsight I'm not sure I ever really got over it. I found the baby stage tough but the toddler stage was absolute hell! There were some lovely moments, but there were many times I genuinely wanted to run away and never come back. When she was about 3yo everything became so much easier though. I started to relax and enjoy her more. At around the same time, people started asking when we were having the next one (not if, always "when") and I knew that DH had been broody for a while. Although he didn't pressure me at all, I knew he would be very sad not to have another. By the time she was 4yo DD was an absolute joy, for the first time the good moments massively outweighed the bad and I actually started to love being a Mum. She also begged us for a sibling constantly and the memories of the horrendous baby and toddler years were fading fast by this point. So we had DS, he's 2 yo now and I am back in toddler hell, fantasising about running away on a daily basis. I keep telling myself it will get easier like it did with DD but DH has had the snip now so my hormones cannot trick me into having anymore!!

@doesparentingsuck

You can’t force someone into existence because you’re bored with your life, OP. And if you’re expecting ‘joyousness’…well…. Good luck though.

Never said I was expecting joyousness you obv haven't read the thread. I actually described the first few years as likely to be hell on earth.

Also, not sure why someone would have kids if they didn't expect it to add something to their lives?

You can't tell me everyone does it for the greater good of the world (in which case we need less people not more)

Anyone that had children not to get something out of it (whether it be joy, purpose, etc) is a liar IMO (unless it was an accident)

You literally typed the words that you were expecting joyousness after initial years of hell, so don’t make out I’m a liar. No, people have kids for entirely selfish reasons, and yes, the planet absolutely needs far, far less humans, obviously. Also, I know you didn’t say that about other peoples kids, that’s why I wrote about ‘loads of people’, not ‘you, OP’. As in, loads of posters on many topics always witter on about how they despise and hate any kid that they didn’t breed themselves, proudly.

It's tough at times, but long term really rewarding.

Baby stage with lack of sleep is hard

Toddlers, in to everything is hard.

Golden years up to secondary school is lovely.

Teenage years are tough

Adult children are wonderful. I'm so happy to have them.

Grandchildren are the greatest joy of all.

You don't have a baby, you have a person, hopefully, in your life for the rest of it.

Op I absolutely love being a mother and it's not difficult for me at all. In the three years I've only had one day where I found it tough as she was crying all day.

Now I will acknowledge -

I was forty when I had her, had previously been very ill so she felt like a miracle.
My partner is extremely hands-on, does more than me if I'm honest.
We live well within our means financially so are not stressed that way.
Partner has three teenage children, one of whom is extremely demanding so it's not as if I had a peaceful life until baby came.
My daughter seems to be the easiest child who ever lived. I (unwillingly after not managing to breast feed) bottle fed her. This meant I could always get out and about. She slept through the night very early and always only required four hour feeds so I was well rested. She was always really easy to soothe. She has a naturally very sunny disposition. Pre covid I was out and about with her all the time, so still had a social life.
My pregnancy was so easy, I got pregnant no problem, didn't feel sick and exercised all the way through. I didn't expect this so was delighted. I also felt beautiful with my glowing hair and skin and was ironically my most body confident. I didn't gain much weight or have any stretch marks despite being a person who always has to watch my weight. I had a planned C-section and it was entirely stress free, I healed up well and was out and about exercising within a week or two.
I have a family life friendly job.
We can afford childcare and have always had a casual childminder or babysitters available.
I had partied hard when I was younger and also worked really hard. I was exhausted, bored and sick of this life so felt no resentment at giving it up.

I'm aware I sound extremely smug and believe me I'm not. I cannot stress that enough. None of this was down to anything I planned for or orchestrated. I am just lucky as hell and for whatever reason the timing was right and everything came together. I now can't have anymore children as things may have gone very differently the next time around!

I also had no genuine interest in my friends' children and am besotted by my own child.

Again I know I've had it very easy and not diminishing the challenges other mothers face. I am only trying to demonstrate that it isn't always hell on earth.

The problem is that people expect to enjoy everything now. This is a modern concept as 40 years ago no one thought about whether having children would be enjoyable- they did it because it was expected, they had no choice as no contraception and of course religious duty.

My mum and MIL didn’t expect to have a career or travel or do much apart from looking after their house, husband and children. So they weren’t disappointed at the loss of freedoms the way we are now. Because frankly, having children does affect everything!

If you think about it logically having children doesn’t make sense at all. However the biological urge to have children can be very strong. So in my opinion, unless you have a strong urge to have children, I wouldn’t do it!

Oh and I have 2 DC and I found people in lockdown who only had 1 struggled more. My 2 entertained and helped each other, they were never upset or lonely. They are preteens so independent anyway.

It is exhausting (i didn't know what tiredness was before). It can be frustrating, relentless and feel like your drowning with not any time to yourself. That being said i I absolutely adore my dc and would not want life without them. They make my life happier and bring so much fun and a love that makes every day a blessing! I wouldn't switch to being childfree. I waited until my 30's and felt i had plenty time to do what i wanted beforehand!