Is parenting really that bad?

[doesparentingsuck]

NC for this but there seems to be a lot of threads lately about motherhood and regrets and how people love their kids but hate being a mother.

I appreciate that you are more likely to post negativity than express happiness especially on a forum - but I honestly just don't understand why people are that dissatisfied with being parents and then go on to have more children.

Is it really that bad, really? I'm asking too because Im worried about TTC and can't work out if this is going to be a love or hate for me.

Is it the circumstances around the situation (ie lack of money/time to oneself) perhaps that make people hate it as opposed to being a mother/father?

Or even if they had all the support and things you wanted is it still something so many people would hate?

@B0YS totally agree I work full time and have 3DC, I really enjoy having an identity other than 'mum mum mum mum'. I love them to bits, they are hard work but also a lot of fun and we really enjoy spending time together.

@Gladiolys

I think you have to be careful about taking the things people say in the hardest moments as gospel, or indicative of the whole experience.

My own experience is that there have been times which have been some of the worst / hardest in my life - having to find a way of going on no matter how tired you are, sleep deprivation, the relentlessness of being needed so much and getting so little respite. At times I’ve definitely said to my husband ‘why did we do this!’ Or ‘this was a terrible mistake’. I expect those are the moments which get posted on mumsnet - people reaching out in despair at the hardest point.

The reality is so much more complex. Parenting has given me pride and joy and love like I’ve never felt before. And I simply cannot imagine - or even bear to imagine - what life would be like without my baby.

So yes, it’s absolutely as bad as people say sometimes. But it’s also sometimes the most magical and rewarding experience of your life.

This is really spot on for me.

I'd also add that your OH can make a massive difference to how hard motherhood is. I wouldn't change my DC for anything. Their father on the other hand, isn't the husband I need or the father they need either. Our DC have SEN, and he doesn't cope well with that and isn't prepared to listen or change. Before DC I would have said we were great together and we could get through anything together. Turns out we're very different people as parents and deeply incompatible.

I love my children. Generally love being a parent , the only thing I hate is judgemental comments from random strangers on the street that somehow feel free to comment/criticise anyone with a baby in a pram.

I love being a mum, but it's so individual. I loved the newborn stage, and the small child stage. I wasted so much time while pregnant reading this forum, convinced it was going to be such hell, how would I survive, as it turned out it was nothing like that. I can honestly say it was easy. Now they are older it's not as easy but it's still great. I don't have support from gps but my dh is good.

Now everyone is different.

Although I admit I think when I read posts along the lines of "I hate parenting, it's so horrible, my life is over... I have 3 dc and I'm pregnant". Or worse "I'm ttc". Actions speak louder than words.

Becoming a parent is both the best and worst thing I've ever done. Mine are still young, 7 and 3, and they have moments that make me want to scream, and moments that make me want to sob because of how wonderful they are. And then a lot of mundane stuff in the middle.

In fact, it's the mundane stuff that I dislike. The toddler tantrums and stroppy attitude and all of that is hard at the time, but passes quickly and at least provides a memory or a chance to learn. But the endless feeding, changing, school runs, standing in a cold playground listening to "Mum, watch THIS!" is tedious. Then one of them will do or say something and my heart feels like it might burst. When they play nicely together, or DD tries to help DS, or DS watches DD doing something so he can learn how to do it too... those moments make it worth it.

I would die for my kids but do sometimes long for my life with them. Not any old life, but MY life that I had before them. I wouldn't want to stay there, just visit!

Things I wish I'd known before I had DC:
You need to be in a very secure relationship as it's easy for resentment to build up. Make sure you and your partner are on the same page when it comes to things like discipline, schooling, backing each other up and showing a united front. Ensure you both have good communication and talk about any issues as soon as they occur.
Sleep deprivation is a relationship and mental health killer
Decide before you get pregnant who will be responsible for sorting child care and more importantly what child care facilities are near by.
Who will take time off work when your little one is ill?
Even if you have a parent living near by who's happy to do childcare, make sure you have a back up plan.
Some babies are really hard work, some are really easy it's impossible to know in advance what you'll get
Toddlers are kamikaze pilots, you need eyes in the back of your head.
Be prepared to go grey before your child free friends.
Be prepared to have endless fights with schools and healthcare professionals if you have a child who has SEN or additional needs.
Be prepared to have different parenting techniques for each child you may have.
Pick your battles.
If you are thinking of being a SAHP your relationship needs to a absolutely solid, and make sure you discuss finances before you get pregnant.

@yoyo1234

I love my children. Generally love being a parent , the only thing I hate is judgemental comments from random strangers on the street that somehow feel free to comment/criticise anyone with a baby in a pram.

Oh this! OP if you have a child, get ready for everyone - even complete strangers - to have an opinion on how you should raise them!

It all depends really. Greatly depends on the sorts of DP you have. A lot of resentment can come when they are not doing their share.
We have one child - had her later in life and love it. She’s wonderful! I couldn’t cope with more than her personally. We both work, have family around, have our own place in a fantastic part of London with a great sense of community where people stay and live for decades. Great state primaries and secondaries and a lot of green space with a good commute.
All these points matters with a kid. If you are not happy where you live and worry about school choices you will have to be moving/driving around adding stress to your life.
It’s an adjustment especially if you have a good life already. It was for us but this stage of our life is truly great.

[quote Lavender24]@FTEngineerM

I think you misunderstood what I meant? I think you were quoting me anyway. I agree that work is a break. But isn't that sad? If we find work more relaxing than our home life that really says a lot. That's what I find sad, not the fact that parents need a break.[/quote]
I also think I parent better when I work, but it's not because I prefer working or that it's a break - my work can be quite full-on and stressful too - but because I find life is so much better with variety. In the first lockdown we went through a stage where DH and I were both doing two hours on two off with work and time with DS (because we had an 18 month old and no childcare) and honestly it was lovely, even though it meant I started work at 6am and didn't finish until 10pm. Parenting is so much easier and more fun when you know you're not going to be doing it all day, but I also miss DS when I go all day without seeing him. If I had to choose between always being with DS and always being at work I'd choose DS in a heartbeat of course, but I'd much rather have both. I'm on mat leave with DS2 at the moment and it's great having more time with DS1 as a bonus of this, but the days when I really feel I'm nailing it as a mother are always the days when he went to nursery the day before...

Definitely think its about support. I love being a parent but have a great network. Also agree if you're on the fence dont ttc. It is too big a commitment to be on the fence about

Personally I love it but I have a hands on dp so I'm not left with everything (mental load, daily chores, parenting ect) I think that makes a big difference.
I'm also not regimental and I don't compare myself to anyone. I'm happy to do things my way and go with the flow.

I never wanted kids and ended up pregnant at 34
But my age was an advantage because financially we are very secure and l have lots of patience with my dd which l just know l wouldn't have had years ago.
I love being a mum but not having to stress about money helps plus my mum is local and always happy to help out as are my close friends so dh and l still have a lovely life .
Surprised me how much l enjoyed it especially in the early years.
So contrary to what other pp have said, l would say if you are on the fence you should go for it because you might be pleasantly surprised.

Ooh and what @Worldwide2 said - don't compare yourself to anyone makes a massive difference

It can be that bad. I am a person who likes to be in control but my DDs are both stubborn and strong willed as well, one has ASD. Shit sleepers and one is a fussy eater. We went to hell and back when DD with ASD was in primary. I bloody love being a parent and my DC are the absolute best. Life would be monochrome without them. They are so cuddly and lovely. It's hard ever single day but I don't regret it.

Great if you have support.

Difficult when you're far from family and especially if other serious things happen, disability, serious financial shocks etc. There can be just not enough mental and emotional energy to go around.

It is about social expectations.

When my mum had kids, women just had kids. And looked after the house. That was all they did. All of her mates were at home doing the same thing. It was changing as we grew up though.

Nowadays women are expected to do all of that and work full time. And look amazing. And the media tells us if Beyonce can do it- then so should we.

@IhateeverythingaboutMN - totally agree with your point. It's sad that even though we now have the same pressures as men in the working world but many times still end up the primary carer too

@HelplessProcrastinator

It can be that bad. I am a person who likes to be in control but my DDs are both stubborn and strong willed as well, one has ASD. Shit sleepers and one is a fussy eater. We went to hell and back when DD with ASD was in primary. I bloody love being a parent and my DC are the absolute best. Life would be monochrome without them. They are so cuddly and lovely. It's hard ever single day but I don't regret it.

I think (and this is not a criticism and I hope it doesn't come across that way) that the sooner you accept that you can't control everything once you've had a child, the less stressful you'll find it ergo happier you'll be.

I love being a parent. My children have improved my life immeasurably.

It’s exhausting and you’re making it up all the time. And just when you think that you’ve got a handle on things another phase starts which is just as demanding and exhausting (hello teenager).

There are highs and there are awful awful lows. But it’s an experience and you’ve just got to go for it. Or not. Just don’t expect it to be anything like anyone else’s experience. No one has had your child before and that can feel lonely.

I don’t know if I’d recommend it. I honestly don’t.

I love my kids and I'm glad they are in the world but I think if I'd known how hard it can be then I might not have had kids.

So I guess I'm glad I didn't know as I wouldn't change it now.

DH and I just had a conversation which basically ended up with him saying ‘would you leave me and take the kids then?’ I said ‘no way - I’d leave them with you!’

We agreed to go 50/50 so we get a break half the time

If a dad is allowed to chip in, I'd echo the comments about the need for both parents to be on the ball - and for each other, as well as the child. I think we've both done a decent job as parents (DD is four, seems to be developing well, doesn't actively hate either of us and I've not had to call DW from the hospital or the police station yet!). But this comes at some cost to our relationship - we're having to relearn our marriage and share it with a third person whose needs always take precedence. That can be hard, and there are times when it feels like some little interloper has turned up to steal my old life and my marriage. And I'm sure DW feels the same way.

Trouble is, there's only so much we can do. We can give each other child-free time by taking DD out for the day, but it's much harder to set up our time (GPs not local enough to help with this). That's probably what I'd most like to change - an indirect 'bad' of parenting.

I love it but there were definitely hard times when they were very small (now 8 and nearly 11).
I didn’t love the relentlessness and tiredness of the baby years but I still loved bringing them up, seeing them discover new things, learn stuff etc.
Things that helped me enjoy it were;
A hands on husband who pulled his weight.
A group of fun, kind friends to do stuff with. Going to the park on my own, dull. Going with friends, enjoyable.
Doing the stuff I liked and taking the kids along. I love the beach, so I took them to the beach. Love bush walks so took them to the bush.
Not worrying too much. They’ll be fine with loving parents, a fun and kind home. Tried not to sweat the small stuff but concentrated on the things that were important to us as a family (no fighting, using words, thinking of others, good manners etc).
It is hard but also everyone will feel differently and my experience may have no bearing on yours. My mum warned me that it can be very isolating and boring and said I should definitely spend time with like minded people and that was a huge help.

It can be really hard but it is worth it. Saying that, I love my child so much but we decided that one was enough, we really didn't want to repeat the sleepless nights, toilet training, etc of the early years. I am always baffled when people who complain about how hard parenting is and that they never have time for themselves go on to have another child, and then spend all their time moaning about how hard two kids is. Why didn't they just stop at 1 if they hated parenting so much?
I find the best moments of parenting usually come after the worst times. My son (6yo) was going through a really tough time when we moved countries last year, he was very lonely and schools were closed because of the pandemic, and his behaviour changed completely - he was so emotional and would fly into rages very easily. But often after he'd gotten angry and screamed and shouted, he'd calm down and we'd lie on his bed together and talk about how we were all feeling and what he was thinking. They were tough days but I remember one conversation when afterwards he pulled me in tight for for a hug and said "you get it mummy, you understand". So yes, it can be hard but it's also so rewarding.

In the early sleepless months it was fucking terrible! By far the worst, hardest period of my life.

My dc are 8 and 10 now and being a parent is delightful. The idea of going back to the early days fills me with horror.

I had a second dc because I loved my first dc so, so much and I thought it was better for her.