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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is parenting really that bad?

211 replies

doesparentingsuck · 03/07/2021 20:38

NC for this but there seems to be a lot of threads lately about motherhood and regrets and how people love their kids but hate being a mother.

I appreciate that you are more likely to post negativity than express happiness especially on a forum - but I honestly just don't understand why people are that dissatisfied with being parents and then go on to have more children.

Is it really that bad, really? I'm asking too because Im worried about TTC and can't work out if this is going to be a love or hate for me.

Is it the circumstances around the situation (ie lack of money/time to oneself) perhaps that make people hate it as opposed to being a mother/father?

Or even if they had all the support and things you wanted is it still something so many people would hate?

OP posts:

Panaesthesia · 03/07/2021 21:38

I love parenting. I loved them when they were babies, then toddlers, then cheeky little in-betweeny types starting school. I love them now they're older. Each year I'd say "this is the best year" as they'd have a new way of talking or new interests.

I've never been one to even pretend to 'moan' about them at all. I dislike it, to be honest. People whinging as if their kids' flaws - "they play on their tablet all day!" - aren't in fact their own, or simply bemoaning that they exist.

You can still do all the things you want to do. I went back to school, took up new hobbies, got a new job, hit the gym, joined a choir. Can still go out to dinner and travel. They aren't expensive (clothes are cheap. Food is minimal. Buy them a pony if you want but then don't complain kids are expensive.)

Not one iota of regret or sadness here. Highly recommend it, in fact.

sarahc336 · 03/07/2021 21:39

Simply I'd say being a parent is one of the hardest things I've ever done (not all the time though I must add) but it's also the very best thing I've ever done so yes it's bloody tough but my god it's rewarding at the end if the day (when they're asleep in bed obviously 😂) xx

ChampagneWorries · 03/07/2021 21:39

Its really hard work.
Its boring (i hate doing child focused things)
I have a husband who works every weekend so its just me going round with the kids doing the park, soft play etc.

No matter what you give them there will always be some other kid who has more, does more than you who your kid is comparing themselves to.

Would i have them again? Im not sure whether i would, or if i did i would just have one (i have two) as two is much harder.

FTEngineerM · 03/07/2021 21:39

that it's a "break" for them

We wake up at 6-630 and DS1 stands on your foot and babbles to you as you take a shit. He pulls at your pj leg and shouts at you as you prep his breakfast. You sit down with yours about an hour later after cleaning/sorting him out for the day and he’s yanking at your plate (if you’re on the sofa) or leg/climbing up you (if you’re at the table). You go to get ready and he’s shouting and banging on the door if you leave him downstairs or emptying your wardrobe/drawers if you take him upstairs with you. Eventually you’re both ready, he takes a shit and you get it on your trouser leg whilst changing his nappy. All this before 8am.

Yes it is a break to lay in bed every other day and let the other parent get on with it. Or go to work and eat your dinner without someone trying to steal it/climb on you.

I don’t find it sad that parents, sometimes, need a break. It is relentless. Recognising that you’re a better parent with X amount of ‘break’ is for the greater good IMO.

Original poster

doesparentingsuck · 03/07/2021 21:40

@GroggyLegs I'll be honest children aren't something I can't imagine life without.

My life currently is boring AF, I've hit all my life goals and just feel like it's the next step as I don't want to love a life like this forever.

I WANT a change. I want purpose and I think this will give it to me.

Maybe I'm wrong but not sure why someone would have kids if they were not doing it to get something out of it, it's not like we need more people on the planet!

Those are my reasons

OP posts:

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 03/07/2021 21:41

I love it. I wouldnt be without my little ones for the world, even on the worst days. They light up my life

sneaks into their rooms to kiss their little sleepy faces

Bellasblankexpression · 03/07/2021 21:42

I think the sometimes relentless monotony of each day can be hard so I’ve found it really key to try and do different activities. But the difference is, for me, the lowest of the lows absolutely do not outweigh the highs and there are so many more highs…
I couldn’t imagine life without DS now and nor would I want to, he is the light of it. Doesn’t mean I don’t feel slightly demented sometimes, but we are all human!

Original poster

doesparentingsuck · 03/07/2021 21:42

I'm not fussed about kids in general, don't massively enjoy other peoples kids but really like the older stages - I'm aware I'm sure some people will say 'you don't sound maternal' but I honestly don't think you have to be maternal before having kids to be a good parent that enjoys it.

I read another thread the other day and it seemed the people that accidentally t pregnant or were non maternal seemed to be the ones saying they ended up loving it.

So I disagree with posters saying if on the fence don't.

Until you're a mother I honestly don't think you know how you'd feel about the experience

OP posts:

duckme · 03/07/2021 21:43

I think this last 15 months has knocked us all about to be honest. I feel at the end of my tether. For the first time I've considered calling my dr and asking for help because I hate feeling the way I do. It's not fair on me and not fair on my family. I've recently starting wondering if having kids was a mistake. And I hate myself for even thinking that. But this has only happened over the last few months. I really struggled with the lockdowns and the restrictions and loss this pandemic has caused.

chickenyhead · 03/07/2021 21:45

There are moments of pure joy. There are moments of utter despair. Overall it is life, a mundane treadmill of routine.

Sometimes I look around for the adult to step in and then I realise, I am it. Sometimes you laugh so much you cry. Sometimes you have nothing left to give, but you have to find it. Sometimes you look at the world and panic.

I have grown as a person in growing other people. I learn every day.

Overall it is something that I am glad that I have done, but it isn't all sunshine and flowers.

TakesTheHindLeg · 03/07/2021 21:45

It depends on so many factors.

If you’re financially comfortable, own a house with a garden, space for each child to have a bedroom, can afford to work part time in a job you enjoy, take time off for school holidays (or when kids are ill), have a good bond with your partner and a network of local friends and family... these all help.

It’s such a different experience for parents trying to work full time jobs to keep afloat and budget for holiday clubs or wraparound care, hardly seeing each other because you have to alternate leave to cover school holidays. Being burnt out or mentally or physically unwell, having a child with additional needs, having a difficult rapport with your partner or being a lone parent, being isolated or living in an area you dislike... not having enough money for basics like secure housing and space, clothes, food, utilities makes parenting harder to enjoy for many.

Money can’t buy health but it can buy private healthcare (eg you don’t wait for years on an NHS list for a life changing yet non urgent procedure or diagnosis). You can seek help privately for children with additional needs. Money can buy childcare and options, eg where you live and work, what hours you want to work. Holidays, respite from parenting.

I’m not saying wealthy parents don’t regret having kids, just they have more options for making parenting easier.

ohthestruggles · 03/07/2021 21:46

I can't comment on life with a toddler or older child but my baby is 4 weeks old now and it's bloody hard work. It's overwhelming like I never imagined it would be. I am exhausted like I've never been before, the house has been turned upside down and I can't think too far ahead because I am living day to day right now but I will say that I have never felt as euphoric as I did when I was handed my baby and every single moment since then, even the difficult ones, have been full of love for him. I know it's maybe not like that for everyone and I know I have a lot of hard times ahead of me but so far, I love being his mum and I've never felt so strongly for another human being.

shas19 · 03/07/2021 21:46

There honestly is no love like it, i cant describe it. But, its fucking hard sometimes!!

RowanAlong · 03/07/2021 21:47

Yes it’s really hard work. I love the cuddles, the bond, the educating, showing them nature, watching their personalities develop. I loathe the slog of clearing up after them, the relentlessness of trying to stay patient in the face of chaos, and the baby-years sleep deprivation was a killer that pushed me to the limits mental health-wise.

It took a while for the best bits to balance out the real slog, rather than uneasily co-existing.
However my kids are unquestionably the best things I have ever done/made/loved, put life into perspective for me, and I would do it all again no question.

FTEngineerM · 03/07/2021 21:47

I’m not/wasn’t maternal at all @doesparentingsuck even now I pretty much freeze up when I have to interact with someone else kid.

My own is absolutely cracking if I do say so myself.

Letsrunabath · 03/07/2021 21:48

I was married for 10 years and waiting for the broodiness to kick in and it never did, so we went ahead and had 2 kids within in 2 years. That was 21 years ago and I’ve loved every bit of it but I’m not a worrier so even the teenage years when my eldest went off the rails we managed it and she is back being our great loving daughter.
We had no family support as live far from everyone but I think that can make you a tighter family.

AliceW89 · 03/07/2021 21:48

@doesparentingsuck

NC for this but there seems to be a lot of threads lately about motherhood and regrets and how people love their kids but hate being a mother.

Is it really that bad, really? I'm asking too because Im worried about TTC and can't work out if this is going to be a love or hate for me.

Is it the circumstances around the situation (ie lack of money/time to oneself) perhaps that make people hate it as opposed to being a mother/father?

Or even if they had all the support and things you wanted is it still something so many people would hate?

You are being very sensible by being here, reading these threads and really processing what having a baby actually means when trying to conceive. I wouldn’t say I’m in the camp of hating being a parent, but I have found it much, much harder than I ever imagined.

The only think I could have wished for was more of an idea what it truly is like to have a baby. Turns out I had no fucking clue. I think I still would have had a baby if I’d known, but maybe it wouldn’t have been such a monumental shock to the system, like it was. When you are used to being fully in control of your existence (as women so often are these days) a baby throws that entire existence into a blender and spits it back out again. I think that’s the case for everyone - seems some people put the pieces back together quicker than others though. I’m not ashamed to say it’s taken me a long time to adjust to and accept this new normality. Maybe that’s why people have more further down the line, despite hating the early days? The massive aftershocks finally settle and everything seems okay again.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

TedHastingsweeDonkey · 03/07/2021 21:51

@Gladiolys has nailed it!!

Original poster

doesparentingsuck · 03/07/2021 21:51

@FTEngineerM

I’m not/wasn’t maternal at all *@doesparentingsuck* even now I pretty much freeze up when I have to interact with someone else kid.

My own is absolutely cracking if I do say so myself.

Exactly! I don't think it's an indicator at all of how kick you'll love/hate it

I think anyone going into parenting is taking a massive gamble even if they THINK it means everything.

You often hear about IVF parents who resent the experience so clearly not an indicator at all

OP posts:

Original poster

doesparentingsuck · 03/07/2021 21:54

@AliceW89 honestly, im expecting the first five years to be hell on earth. But I still want to do it, something is telling me it's the right decision.

Probably why I've left it until age 35, because I know it's going to mean a few years if my life is miserable but I honestly believer it would be joyous after that so am willing to go through the pain barrier

OP posts:

helpmewiththisnew · 03/07/2021 21:55

I find it hard, but I wouldn't go back. I love them too much. I love them down to my soul, but they drive me crazy. It's silly stuff like she touched my hair. He licked my foot. The irrational crying, the I want that to then not want it. I can't win they don't sleep still.

SwimBaby · 03/07/2021 21:57

I found it difficult until I got the nights sorted.
I loved the primary and early secondary years and found them really easy.

rosegoldivy · 03/07/2021 21:58

I'm currently going through what can only be described as a shit storm with 7 week old twins, one of which has colic, reflux and a suspected milk allergy and doesn't sleep for more than 30mins, and I have a 2 year old DD. it's exhausting and I am done in. My pregnancy with the twins was horrific and it hasn't got any easier so far. It's like putting a jug of water on a Forrest fire that as soon as one twin or the toddler is settled someone else kicks off.
BUT the toddler is just the happiest most fun wee soul and she honestly brightens up my day. So as hard as things are just now I keep reminding myself that this stage with the twins is only a phase and better times are coming. Do I miss my old life of long lies and no responsibility, of course I do. But I wouldn't change it for the world.
I agree with previous posts it also depends on the level of support you have and your set up.
No one can prepare you for motherhood it's defo the hardest but most rewarding thing I've done. The newborn stage is shit but the toddler stage, and watching there wee personalities develop is just amazing

chickenyhead · 03/07/2021 22:00

Loved the first few years personally. So needy yes, but everything amazes them, their own fingers, feet, flowers, stones, absolutely everything is new. It is a joy to be part of.

Kanaloa · 03/07/2021 22:00

I think you have to be really reasonable with your expectations. If you expect it to be like a McCain chips advert you’re about to be massively disappointed and resentful.

I’ve always tried to be thoroughly aware that each of my children are their own people, they’ve got their own personalities and I need to get to know and understand them rather than expecting them to be like me.

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