Is parenting really that bad?

[doesparentingsuck]

NC for this but there seems to be a lot of threads lately about motherhood and regrets and how people love their kids but hate being a mother.

I appreciate that you are more likely to post negativity than express happiness especially on a forum - but I honestly just don't understand why people are that dissatisfied with being parents and then go on to have more children.

Is it really that bad, really? I'm asking too because Im worried about TTC and can't work out if this is going to be a love or hate for me.

Is it the circumstances around the situation (ie lack of money/time to oneself) perhaps that make people hate it as opposed to being a mother/father?

Or even if they had all the support and things you wanted is it still something so many people would hate?

They aren't expensive (clothes are cheap. Food is minimal. Buy them a pony if you want but then don't complain kids are expensive.)

😂 wait til you have teens!

No regrets here but boy, parenting teens is hard. I have 3. It seems as soon as one teen is ok, another has a problem.

@JadedStrumpet my DH was very reasonable pre-kids, we shared most stuff like cooking, and supermarket he did. I did do the cleaning generally, but he would hoover. We were together 7 years before we had a baby. So alas you just can't tell, I'm sure I've changed too. Dc take priority and I don't think he likes that.

The early years are relentless and exhausting but also easy in that there’s no problem you can’t fix with a breastfeed, a clean nappy and a cuddle (barring illness/disability). The relentlessness is an initial shock and you DEFINITELY need to have shared expectations with your DP. Saw a lot of relationships fail because of that.

I absolutely loved the baby, toddler and preschool years, they knackering but filled with such joy. Loved it so much I had 3.

Primary years bring less fatigue but more complex issues. Still good and definitely easier. Watching them develop is brilliant.

Teens and young adulthood is by far the hardest work. I would trade this for reliving baby and toddler years in a heartbeat. It lasts for years and years; as one teen gets on an even keel the other two have a crisis. I’ve never known such extended stress.

Thank fuck for wine.

Nope I love it, I have 4 and genuinely love parenting which is fairly ironic as before dc I was adamant I didn't want them lol.

@Mama1980

Nope I love it, I have 4 and genuinely love parenting which is fairly ironic as before dc I was adamant I didn't want them lol.

This is really positive story! Makes me feel better - and another example of those who think not those that want kids will go on to love it. It simply isn't the case from what I see.

It's a gamble for everyone - no matter how maternal

Honestly I really do enjoy it. I was a single mother for most of my children's childhood and just settled into motherhood I guess. The fact that both my birth children were micro preemies ironically helped maybe as after that the rest was easy
You are right it a gamble though if you'd told me I'd find imaginary play, someone calling my name every two seconds or 97 games of Lego fun 20 years ago I'd have laughed at you, turns out I do though.

Yes it is. However it is worth it in other ways. A true labour of love.

We tried for years for a family, it eventually happened and now have 2 lovely DC's. I hated my job and couldn't wait to leave. The first 3-4 years I found the hardest, no family near to help but we could easily afford child care, cleaners etc,
I still kept all my hobbies and interests, we have travelled widely.
Not sure I would have coped if we couldn't have afforded to maintain our lifestyle though.

It very much depends on your circumstances, your personality and your child's personality. I lean towards the introvert side so I loved maternity leave, just me and baby at home and long walks out with the pram, with the occasional baby group and meet up with friends. I'm also a big kid at heart so I love taking DD to places like the park, zoo and soft play...but I know some people hate all that.
My DD is also very chilled and goes along with anything, so it's easy to take her places. She slept 7-7 from 6 weeks old and my DH pulls his weight, so it's not all on me. We're all in good health and have no major money worries, although we aren't high earners.
I had no experience with kids at all prior to having my own but so far I'm really enjoying it and it hasn't been as hard as I imagined.
But if I were a single parent, or if DH didn't do his share, or if we were in unsuitable accommodation/broke, if my baby didn't sleep or had health problems, then it would be a different story. Reproducing is a universal thing but the actual experience of being a parent really isn't, everyone's is so different.

Mines only 20 months and only very recently have I tipped from utter regret to on balance thinking I couldn’t give her back if I had the chance. But I hate parenting, it can be so boring and relentless, I have to work really hard at it.

I have a very hands on DH but we are expats, no family here so it’s normally just us two. I’m also financially comfortable so have help at home on a part time basis. I think some of us just aren’t cut out for this regardless of how much support is there. I’m hoping that I will start to enjoy it all at some point but right now I’m plodding through .

I think I just struggle with the neediness of a small one with no respite (schools, nurseries etc have been shut here since the pandemic started). I’m an introvert and I think that affects my feelings about being a parent too, you don’t get to not be present and available.

I think no one should go into having children, especially women, unless you're absolutely fine with doing all of the work yourself. Because as much as you want and hope that your partner will stick around and you'll stay together, or you'll get help from family and friends etc, you cannot guarantee it at all. Having children can break relationships. Or one parent could cheat. Either way, you end up single. Then you have the possibility of seeing no money from the father (30% ish likelihood going by another thread). And all of the promises regarding help can end up becoming non existent.

Then you've got to consider that your baby might not be any easy baby, but a carbon copy of damian sent directly from hell. And suddenly you're going through this all alone, no partner to help, no family or friends. Or maybe you still have a partner, but he's useless on helping. Even once the child starts growing up, you're still the one doing everything, while also working. All appointments, sicknesses, sports day etc all down to you.

Thats just painting the bad picture of raising a child. But if that puts you off, don't do it. If it doesn't, do it. But do not go into having a child thinking it will be lovely and nothing will change. There is every possibility that something will change.

Everyone is different but I brought up my DD during a very tough time. My relationship was rocky, my business collapsed, I had to sell my flat and move several times and I had no maternity leave and no family in this country. And yet I genuinely loved every second I spent with my DD and never once regretted becoming a Mother. My life is back on track now but being a parent is still the best thing I have ever done. I wouldn’t let others perspectives put you off.

It really IS 'that bad' sometimes, ime. But for me it's worth it - I get a lot out of it and just knew I wanted kids, so we did. I also don't agree you need to have been around babies/kids not to get a shock - I hadn't been much but I had very low expectations so i didn't really have a shock. Probably my DPs spending my whole life telling me what a horrific baby I was served me well in the end! Pregnant with no.2 now (DC1 has just turned 3) and am on the whole anxious about newborn phase as I definitely prefer toddlerhood and find that easier and less stressful but equally I have that to look forward to.

It's the best of times and the worst of times. It has been the making of me. I do miss the freedom of my old life but it has forced me to make better,more grounded decisions and dd is just wonderful .

I do think it does depend on circumstances & I also think there alot of parents are unprepared for what being a parent entails. My sister was totally unprepared for being a mum, she honestly thought it would be all rainbows & unicorns. She got a big shock when she realised that's not what real life parenting is like.
For me it's been an amazing journey,i love being a mummy. Don't get me wrong, it hasn't been a walk in the park, there have been difficult & challenging times but I wouldn't change any of it for the world. I only have one dc & not planning on anymore.

My DD has been an absolute sweetheart today, given me so many hugs and kisses and now feel horrendously guilty for my earlier comments on this thread 😭😂

Even though I did mean what said. She's made me so miserable but God I fucking love her.

URGH. 😂

I think it depends on many things - some of them slightly predictable (although not entirely) like the amount of money you have, how much family support you have, your job, your personality, where you live and how supportive your partner is (although actually that last one isn’t very predictable at all); and some of them very unpredictable like the child(ren) you get, what kind of birth you have, their health and personalities, your health, your partner’s health, etc. It also depends to some extent on timing - I have a two year old and love parenting now but I hated the newborn stage, especially after a traumatic birth. And I’m yet to discover what parenting a 5 year old, or a pre-teen, or a teenager is like.

It’s a lottery. Which is true of many choices in life but parenthood is one of the few things you can’t reverse.

I think it’s a good thing that women are talking about it so openly though.

@NowEvenBetter not everyone who only likes their own children is a narcissist I’m assuming that’s what you mean by kissing yourself in the mirror . But no it’s not about your genes being superior 😂

It’s just simply that with other people’s children you don’t have any of the ‘nice’ parts of being around children, just the crap ones e.g. random awkward interactions in the queue, listening to shouting/screaming at a venue, them kicking sand in your sarnies at the beach or batting a cricket ball at your head when you’re camping repeatedly. You still get those things as a parent but it comes along with the nice bits like watching them master something new, hugs/kisses and what ever other part of parenting you enjoy.

I extend politeness to other people’s children because I’d like the same done to mine if he chooses to interact with someone.

[quote FTEngineerM]@NowEvenBetter not everyone who only likes their own children is a narcissist I’m assuming that’s what you mean by kissing yourself in the mirror . But no it’s not about your genes being superior 😂

It’s just simply that with other people’s children you don’t have any of the ‘nice’ parts of being around children, just the crap ones e.g. random awkward interactions in the queue, listening to shouting/screaming at a venue, them kicking sand in your sarnies at the beach or batting a cricket ball at your head when you’re camping repeatedly. You still get those things as a parent but it comes along with the nice bits like watching them master something new, hugs/kisses and what ever other part of parenting you enjoy.

I extend politeness to other people’s children because I’d like the same done to mine if he chooses to interact with someone.[/quote]
Exactly this. Thank you for wording it so well!

This is exactly how I feel about other peoples children. I'll be polite but I'm not getting the cuddles and smiles and seeing them grow etc as they're not mine so none of the good bits only the bad in the small interactions I have with them.

I am genuinely happy and I would have them again. I always feel for people on these threads and I don’t judge, but I can’t relate.

Seems to me it’s like anything in life - some are cut out for it and some are not. Some people know they aren’t and choose accordingly. Some don’t realise until they’ve had children.

Parenting is hard. It would be great if could have the same bond with my kids but someone else could tell them ‘no’ and get them out the house for school etc. But ultimately I wouldn’t change having them because they are amazing, awesome little people who I love unconditionally.

@CounsellorTroi

Seems to me it’s like anything in life - some are cut out for it and some are not. Some people know they aren’t and choose accordingly. Some don’t realise until they’ve had children.

Completely agree with this. It's like everyone being assigned to the same occupation - not everyone is going to have the necessary skills required.

Sadly we find out sometimes when it's too late

**I've never felt any magic or reward .

17 years of misery and counting.

My mental health is shot and I'll never have a day of peace again because I worry all the time.

I hate being a parent.

I do love my child and I work hard to shield them from all this but it must have an effect.**

When I read things like that it makes me wonder if the experience was vastly different to what you planned when you were trying for a baby. Does your husband feel the same about your child (e.g. you can set each other off saying how hard it is)