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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is parenting really that bad?

211 replies

doesparentingsuck · 03/07/2021 20:38

NC for this but there seems to be a lot of threads lately about motherhood and regrets and how people love their kids but hate being a mother.

I appreciate that you are more likely to post negativity than express happiness especially on a forum - but I honestly just don't understand why people are that dissatisfied with being parents and then go on to have more children.

Is it really that bad, really? I'm asking too because Im worried about TTC and can't work out if this is going to be a love or hate for me.

Is it the circumstances around the situation (ie lack of money/time to oneself) perhaps that make people hate it as opposed to being a mother/father?

Or even if they had all the support and things you wanted is it still something so many people would hate?

OP posts:
Cosybelles · 03/07/2021 21:15

I'd say yes, the hard work of being a parent really is as bad as everyone says. The wonderful bits are as wonderful too. Never known love or joy like it! There are things you can do to help with the hard work bits.

Use627 · 03/07/2021 21:16

I think it's the fact that the hard bits are the hardest you'll ever go through, but the highs (which there are plentyyy more of) are also often the best you'll ever go through, so it balances out. For most people that is

Dustyhedge · 03/07/2021 21:16

I think there can be periods and ages that are hard. Last year during lockdown I found being stuck with a 3 and 1yo bloody hard. I am finding things much nicer a year later. The first few years can just be very intense. I am loving things now my youngest is 2 and getting chattier and more independent. I feel much freer and suspect once we’ve past the potty training stage things will just feel much easier again.

Dragonfly909 · 03/07/2021 21:18

My baby is only 11 months so maybe it's too soon to have an opinion Grin but I've more or less loved every minute so far. We got almost no sleep for six months because she wanted to be held all night. We have no support from family or friends. We have a child who can only be held by her parents or else she has a meltdown, so we've never had a 'break' yet. But we love her so much and it's completely worth it. The good massively outweighs the bad, in fact I don't want to call it bad, it's just that she needs us a lot and we're happy to do what she needs.

I do have a very supportive and involved partner which I think makes a big difference because we tag team a lot.

We are planning TTC the next one soon. We might be mad Grin

zaffa · 03/07/2021 21:18

Being a mother has been life changing for me, and the single most wonderful thing I have done. I adore DD and I adore being her mother, I love that she needs me because she's little and that I'm shaping her into a person and I love watching her gain her independence. She is a constant delight to me and I can hand on heart say since the minute she arrived I have never doubted or questioned my choice to have her. It is hard to balance every thing but I'm not the person I was before I had her for now, for now she needs me to be her mummy more than I need to be Zaffa, but that person is still there and I am a mix of the two. Fwiw I work full time and DD is in nursery four days a week, my parents live the other end of the country and due to lockdowns DD is difficult to settle with grandparents so there is no babysitting for date night etc. But we make it work and it works well, and I wouldn't change a thing about my life as her mummy.

buzzandwoodyallday · 03/07/2021 21:20

Absolutely spot on @Gladiolys 👏🏻👏🏻. Hear hear!!

I have 2 DC only a year apart, both toddlers, and it is the hardest thing I've ever done. I am absolutely knackered and they do know how to push my buttons sometimes, but God they are absolutely adorable at other times and I love them more than anything.

Would my life be easier if I hadn't had DC? Yes, most definitely. Would it be as rewarding or would I have the joy that I get from my DC? No chance!

Yellredder · 03/07/2021 21:20

I just have the one and I just absolutely love it. Yes there are challenges but I can work round them. I have so much fun with my daughter, she is such a joy. I work part time, which is a great balance and she has great relationships with my parents who did some childcare when I went back to work. (She’s now 10). She has lovely friends who enjoy coming to our house and they are great company. I’ve become involved in things I otherwise wouldn’t have if she wasn’t here. I have just loved watching her develop into a fantastic person!

DayKay · 03/07/2021 21:20

It was awful when I was sleep deprived. Sleep deprivation makes it hard to deal with anything.
Once I started to sleep more than 2 hrs a night, it was fine.
If you have a supportive partner, then that makes things a lot easier.

Inastatus · 03/07/2021 21:20

@Fluffybunnysoup

So yes, it’s absolutely as bad as people say sometimes. But it’s also sometimes the most magical and rewarding experience of your life.

I've never felt any magic or reward .

17 years of misery and counting.

My mental health is shot and I'll never have a day of peace again because I worry all the time.

I hate being a parent.

I do love my child and I work hard to shield them from all this but it must have an effect.

@Fluffybunnysoup - I’m sorry, this sounds very hard Flowers Does your DC have special needs or is it just the sheer responsibility of parenting that makes you feel this way?
buzzandwoodyallday · 03/07/2021 21:21

Just to add, my main advice would be to not have 2 DC close together. I have 12 months between my 2 and I think that might make it harder than having a larger age gap.

SecondCityShark · 03/07/2021 21:21

Sorry to hear that @Fluffybunnysoup Flowers

If you don't mind me asking, what factors have made it so difficult for you?

ButterflyWitch · 03/07/2021 21:26

Yes. It's as bad. Probably worse.

Adifferentstory2 · 03/07/2021 21:27

It is definitely ‘really that difficult’. Bad is a tough word. I think it totally totally depends on your circumstances - partner or not, family support or not, relaxed and go with the flow (or not), spontaneous or not. Can you cope with many many competing voices and priorities, noise, having to organise bags, cars, food, mud, jobs etc constantly (or have standards where none of that matters).
I would say my friends are 70/30 in terms of those who would say it’s that bad and those who wouldn’t. It’s definitely life changing.

Calmdown14 · 03/07/2021 21:28

I think it depends a lot on what your life was like before and what brings you joy.
A lot of people, particularly those who have children later, get used to a certain way of living.
If you enjoy a lot of 'me time' (hate that phrase), or have eight mini breaks a year and have children with no support, life is going to look very different.
Personally, I love parks and beaches and building Lego so it's fine!
The bit no one understands until they have them is the relentlessness but it gets easier, or you at least become accustomed to it! Obviously this is a different ball game if your child has additional needs so can't speak from that perspective

Inastatus · 03/07/2021 21:29

Being a mum is the best but also hardest thing I’ve ever done! I always knew I wanted to have children, having them wasn’t straightforward and I am so so grateful for them every single day.

museumum · 03/07/2021 21:29

I just have one and it’s great. There is plenty time for all three of us in our family to be ourselves as well as be a family together. I know some people think it very cruel to have an only on purpose but it works for us.

ForeverInADay · 03/07/2021 21:30

We have no family help day to day as they are too far away.

I wouldn't have missed being a mum for the world. Mine are 19 months apart but are best friends.

They are truly wonderful and made me a better, more confident person who cares a whole lot less about what anyone else thinks of me.

They are time consuming and sometimes relentless and tiring but are also fabulous.

georgarina · 03/07/2021 21:30

It really depends on your circumstances.

I'm a single working parent - DC come everywhere, no other option - and it can be extremely exhausting and draining. A lot of the time I think of the quote "I love the existence of my children, but not their presence."

But yes it's also amazing, and totally worth it.

And I can imagine if I had a partner and family helping, and was maybe able to work fewer hours, it would be even more enjoyable.

beigebrownblue · 03/07/2021 21:30

Think is okay to accept mixed feelings.
Sometimes I love it. Sometimes I hate it.
But then any other relationship would probably be the same if
anyone were brave enough to admit it, surely?

Peppallama · 03/07/2021 21:30

I agree it's a lot about support. We have no GPs locally and we aren't in a tight network of friends who share childcare. So we can have paid childcare but that stops at 6pm and is only on weekdays. I've never felt comfortable with a random babysitter off the internet so we haven't been out in 6 years. Because we work flexibly to spend more time with DC we also haven't been able to take any days off to spend time with just each other or have any down time in 6 years so it's grueling. I wouldn't change having DC though but I often long for a grandparent to take them on a Saturday afternoon or just to go round to someone else's house for a roast on Sunday rather than me trying to cook and have both DC around all the time. Covid has also been very very hard as DH and I both work jobs that need 50+ hours and trying to keep that going with no after school clubs and homeschooling has taken its toll.

Inastatus · 03/07/2021 21:31

Oh and DH and I are older parents and have no parents left between us so no grandparents or other family for support.

pointythings · 03/07/2021 21:33

I've always loved parenting. Mine are 18 and 20 now, I've always worked FT and no, we didn't have family nearby to help with childcare. Nevertheless I've always loved it. My kids got me through my marriage breakdown (husband became an alcoholic) and all the fallout, and equally I got them through it too. I've loved parenting so much I ended up fostering an additional one after my husband died, so I now have a 19yo too. They are all awesome and I have zero regrets.

derailment · 03/07/2021 21:34

It is, for me, harder than I ever expected. A way bigger adjustment. Especially the baby years. I am glad, so glad, to be the other side of them.

But truly I do find it rewarding. My five year old came home from school this week with a card she'd made for me during their free play time at school (she's in reception). It was just a piece of paper folded in two, she'd drawn a picture of the two of us and a big heart and written, all by herself in her newly learned tidy handwriting, I love you Mummy, love from Child.

My youngest (3) came to me today, cuddled in and said the best thing about me is my hugs.

So y'know. When they do stuff like that I can get over the months and months of no sleep, crying babies, reflux and weaning hell, loneliness, changes to relationships, etc etc etc.

Now is also not a good time to be comparing, we're slowly coming out of side of the weirdest 18 months in living memory and it has doubtless been incredibly difficult for parents (me included) and especially first time mums who've had little support.

Don't believe it's all sunshine and rainbows, it's not. But there are good bits too and I adore having my two. Most of the time Grin

Treehaus · 03/07/2021 21:36

I think it depends what you mean by 'bad', and there are so many variables it's impossible to know how you will feel. I think covid has amplified things for many too, not because I'm saying those with children have found it tougher as its not a competition; but what feels like endless isolations, the school and childcare closures earlier on in the pandemic which led to juggling work and childcare, closure of groups/activities/places which led to a million walks and not much else, loss of support network when households weren't allowed to mix was hard and more relentless than normal.

I have some days where I long for my old life, not because I dislike being a parent, but I miss it. I was fortunate though to have a life pre children I was in love with; travelled the world, worked my dream job and just had some amazing experiences and times with friends. Logically now I know even if I didn't have children it wouldn't be the same forever and I've got the rose tinted glasses on, but I certainly don't jump out of bed every morning filled with joy.

That said, for some yeah they do regret it, everyone is different, but many also absolutely love it. I do think especially on a messageboard you're more likely to hear the negatives as people are more likely to post about them for support/advice, and although some people do it, it's not nice to post saying well it's bloody brilliant what are you on about.

GroggyLegs · 03/07/2021 21:37

@minipie

I think if you are on the fence about having DC then don’t.
I completely agree. Children should be something you can't imagine life without.

And never have children because you want someone to love you - you've got to be prepared to give, even when your tank is running on fumes.

And I say this as someone who's never had a days regret.