Is parenting really that bad?

[doesparentingsuck]

NC for this but there seems to be a lot of threads lately about motherhood and regrets and how people love their kids but hate being a mother.

I appreciate that you are more likely to post negativity than express happiness especially on a forum - but I honestly just don't understand why people are that dissatisfied with being parents and then go on to have more children.

Is it really that bad, really? I'm asking too because Im worried about TTC and can't work out if this is going to be a love or hate for me.

Is it the circumstances around the situation (ie lack of money/time to oneself) perhaps that make people hate it as opposed to being a mother/father?

Or even if they had all the support and things you wanted is it still something so many people would hate?

I adored being a mum of small children but I find being the mum of teens and tweens utterly exhausting. I never found the baby, toddler stage difficult or exhausting. It was joyful, fun and I guess it suited my personality
I know some of my friends see it completely differently. It really does depend on how you manage each stage.
This stage feels a bit thankless and joyless so I am trying to adjust

Good for you @doesparentingsuck. You are better than me. I genuinely thought the first year would be a holiday from my job. My job is very intense and ‘difficult’ but it doesn’t even come close to the relentlessness of a baby. I suspect my expectations played a huge part in how difficult I found it though - you sound like you have your head screwed on more than me.

I’m only 13 months down the line and I have posted threads in the depths of despair, but just to put your mind at ease, it is so far off hell on earth. I’d never have described it as that. Its hard, so dam hard sometimes but so rewarding and the love you feel for your little person just knocks your socks off every morning.

Good luck in your journey x

I think parenting is very tough ... and my DS is 20 now (hopefully I am though the worst!). And I have a supportive DH, no financial worries, plenty of 'me time', no 'juggling' work issues but it is still very, very hard.. I would never had have another child, I find it hard to understand why people have more than one child when they find it so difficult.

I actually think you’ll be fine OP because you sound like you’re expecting it to be hell on earth (I did too and found it a pleasant surprise)

The thing I find hardest is the constant worry about EVERYTHING. But I’m a worrier by nature so…

@FTEngineerM

I think you misunderstood what I meant? I think you were quoting me anyway. I agree that work is a break. But isn't that sad? If we find work more relaxing than our home life that really says a lot. That's what I find sad, not the fact that parents need a break.

I adore both of my boys and had them after 8 years of being with DH - at 34 & 39.

They’re both autistic. It’s sometimes fine. It’s sometimes a fucking nightmare.

On the worst days I’d willingly split up from my husband so I had a break half the week.

On the best I want another 3 of them.

So it just depends when you catch me. But the great days are outnumbered by shit ones. Most are just ‘fine’.

DH and I had a lovely life before children. It’s lovely now in a different way but it’s not the life I thought I’d have.

They will both need significant support from us forever. I spend most of the time worried about how they’ll manage when we’re no longer here and it terrifies me.

A lot depends on external factors many beyond your own control. I have two, one with ASD.
However I kept my job as a primary teacher so can spend every afternoon and holiday with them whilst also doing a job I love.
Money is not an issue.
I have loads of friends in the same job so we often meet up in the afternoons as the kids play.
I also go for food/coffee with friends when kids in bed , they have always been fantastic sleepers
DH loves being a dad and stays at home two days and does 50-50.
I like the life that comes with kids, parks/playgrounds/ zoos even soft play.

It is hard and relentless and some days I would love to read a book for an afternoon but I can honestly say I am happy with my life.

Agree with the posters who say lockdown has made a difference. I found my first pretty easy and I loved being a mum. Second has been harder but he was a lockdown baby. And balancing homeschool and periods of isolation while both working and with very limited support has been rough. I'm pretty exhausted right now.

I can't really imagine not having them though. I love them more than I could have ever imagined, find them hilarious and love watching them learn and grow. For me, they have given me a purpose I didn't really have before.

I was in my 30s when I had them and had had 10 years with dh before they were born. We'd done the kid free stuff we wanted to do I haven't found it as much of a sacrifice as it might have been...

Lots of things make a difference - support, money, expectations, the baby you have etc etc. For me, life is a lot harder but also a lot better. But that doesn't mean I wouldn't trade a kidney for a week off right now!!!!

Like most thing, it depends on so many factors.

Partner support
Family support
Finances
Work and the impact of working while having kids, or the impact of not
Your own personality
What kind of baby/child/children you have
Etc

I was young when I had my first. My husband was pretty hopeless back then, and she was a nightmare baby who screamed all day and all night. I had zero family support and we had a lot of stressful things happening as well.

It wasn’t what I envisaged at all, but I got through it and it didn’t put me off having another one. My second baby was a (bit) easier and my husband was (a bit) better.

Mostly, I really love being a mum. They are now older and honestly, those days of sleep deprivation and relentlessness seem a lifetime ago.

We are contemplating a third, but the age gap would be huge.

I absolutely love the baby years. And live being a mum.

I think you see negativity because people come on a forum in times of stress so you’re seeing the worst bits.

The first five years are absolutely lovely but it is a massive 24/7 tie and sometimes you just want to do nothing for a little while, which isn’t possible unless you have support.

I would say that is the only thing I sometimes struggle with. We all have days when we can’t be bothered but you don’t have that option when you have a little one. But 90% of our days are so much better because he’s here and we’re together.

Honestly, I loved being a mum to my eldest who’s now 18, but as soon as her 13&12 yr old sisters came on the scene, both of whom aren’t “neurotypical” I’ve hated being a parent and it’s honestly the worst experience. Every single day since 2009 has been an absolute struggle, I’m always stressed, always tired, barely any support and I feel completely downtrodden and broken if I’m honest.

I keep going every day though, because despite that I love them and I brought them into this world so it’s my duty to do my best by them.

But I don’t enjoy it by any means and if could go back in time I would have any children past my first DD.

[quote doesparentingsuck]@AliceW89 honestly, im expecting the first five years to be hell on earth. But I still want to do it, something is telling me it's the right decision.

Probably why I've left it until age 35, because I know it's going to mean a few years if my life is miserable but I honestly believer it would be joyous after that so am willing to go through the pain barrier [/quote]
I don't think it's anywhere near 5 years. 3 plus is pretty easy I think. Logistics much easier plus you can reason with them, they can concentrate on tv when required and can be bribed with chocolate buttons.

Yeah sorry @Lavender24 I made a hash of it too, don’t know why I only quoted a tiny bit!

There aren’t many jobs that have your personal space invaded continuously like that, unless you work in a nursery I suppose? I hope they at least get to take a shit in leave though 😂.

I think it probably depends on the parents’ babies’ personality? Me and DP are introvert and DS seems to be an extrovert, so we have to tag team it to make sure we’re not being crap and giving him the stimulation/attention he needs.

If you are on the fence about it then I absolutely wouldn't!

I adore my two children but yes it is ever so hard and draining. Never thought I could be this exhausted. My two are now at primary school so I get a bit more breathing space (when they aren't isolating from bastard Covid) and they can be absolutely joyous but equally they can be so so stressful.

I don't think you'll know until you have them, unhelpful though that is! I know a range of parents, some find every little thing hard and frustrating and seem worn down with it all, others just take it in their stride and seem pretty happy and then there are all shades of grey in between.

Obviously we can all only speak from our own experiences - I am a first time mum at the older end of the range, living in a new area with no family and friends nearby, had my first and only baby in lockdown and we are now on 1 salary only as we can't afford childcare and if I went back to work, we'd be handing over my salary to a stranger to look after our child!

So, on paper, we have a lot of the challenges mentioned here that make parenthood hard. But, in reality, we are laid back, our baby is easy and happy and fits into our lives very easily. Am aware all this could change but so far so good and no, I haven't found it hard.

I have 1 kid with asd, 1 who will be diagnosed at some point. The asd would be considered ‘mild’ by most- as in people meeting us would think their behaviour was tiresome but wouldn’t jump to special needs.

Thing is, it’s tougher for us than the 90% who don’t have to contend with Sen (because ‘tiresome’ 100% of the time is bloody tiring). Also it is less tough than the few with more severe needs.

There are a disproportionate amount of parents with Sen kids posting here because parent only post about the difficult times. Equally, other parents don’t look for support in the good times.

Being a parent is about the good and the bad. If you get unlucky, you do. I don’t regret my kids but I do wish life was easier for them. Some people with kids who have greater difficulties may well regret it. I wouldn’t blame them. Ask me again when my kids hit puberty and I might also regret things!

I think you misunderstood what I meant? I think you were quoting me anyway. I agree that work is a break. But isn't that sad? If we find work more relaxing than our home life that really says a lot. That's what I find sad, not the fact that parents need a break.

@Lavender24 work isn’t just a break though (I manage 16 people & ultimately sometimes they are worse than the kids!) but it’s you, not being a mum. I’m Wendy* at work, not Daves mum. Sometimes it nice to just be Wendy, sometimes it’s nice to be mummy. When your whole life revolves around one thing whether it be work or the kids it can be quite monotonous I would imagine! It’s not sad at all to also enjoy work & enjoy being a parent. I relax at home, we can be snuggled up watching tv with some popcorn or I could be in the garden with the kids playing on the trampoline with the sun on my face. I enjoy work for more reasons than to have a break or relax!

*names have been changed

This first year was incredibly hard. I had a difficult baby (only realised when I had other babies how difficult my first was) we bought our first house, got married and had a baby all in less than 12 months. We had little disposable income and had moved to a new area. We had no family near and I really struggled. But it got easier and I really love being a mum. I think you have to except that your life will completely change, and you’ll never be “off duty” ever again.

My DH and I have found parenting to be so much more fun and interesting and joyful than Mumsnet posts would have you believe.

No one told us how great it is! I was expecting misery and feel like I've been sold a lie

I think it is partly to do with expectations and circumstances, and how you see yourself. I miss having the time to do things I used to do but those things can be part of my life again when this short season of life is over. It flies by.

Everyone is different OP. And I would imagine when people proclaim that they hate being a mother, sometimes it can be that it is just a difficult phase for them at that particular time.

I have one nearly 4 year old. I think I’m missing the maternal gene. I was fine when he was a baby but the last 2 years I’ve found incredibly tough. I have said many times that I love him but I don’t love being a mother. I find looking after a toddler really tough. I hope that I will find it easier when he is a little older!

I’m not having anymore. We have always planned to have only one so it’s not completely down to how hard I find it but having one has made me even more determined not to have another!

It is not a decision to be taken lightly. They really do turn your world upside down.

@merrygoround88

I adored being a mum of small children but I find being the mum of teens and tweens utterly exhausting. I never found the baby, toddler stage difficult or exhausting. It was joyful, fun and I guess it suited my personality I know some of my friends see it completely differently. It really does depend on how you manage each stage. This stage feels a bit thankless and joyless so I am trying to adjust

I agree, I have a 3 year old and a 12 year old and find the 3 year old much easier . Nearly teenager attitude is awful! To be fair it does depend on the child too, my eldest had tantrums all the time as a toddler , whereas my youngest is easygoing so I have really enjoyed this stage. I’ve never regretted having children , even through the hard times . We don’t have any support really my parents are over an hour away and his have passed away. I have always worked though which sad as it sounds kind of keeps me sane

Yes, yes it is. On the one hand there's:

Cuddles
Pride is seeing them grow and learn

On the other hand there's:
Endless meal prep
Endless meal clean up
Endless snack prep
Endless snack clean up
Endless battles to get the to eat healthy
Endless teeth to brush
.......glasses if water to bring to them
........sore tummies
........itchy bum
.........vomit and poo and spit and pee to wipe up
........weaknesses to worry about (this is hardest maybe)
.......damage to things you love and value
.......inadvertent punches or pokes to the eye/it/headbutts to nose etc
......endless nights of shitty shitty sleep
......no matter how tired or sick you are you have to haul yourself around and sort them out

I could honestly write a million more lines to that but I'm bored of it.

Thank God the cuddles are good

Its relentless, every changing, and guilt laden

But I like a challenge

It's hard at times but it's the thing in my life that has brought me the most joy. It is an absolute pleasure 80 percent of the time, an absolute nightmare 20 percent but no matter what, I wouldn't change it for anything in the world.

I had a lockdown baby & I’m an older mum (44 when DS was born). I was lucky to have my kid, and had no interest in having children when I was younger (under 40).
Covid has meant that I’ve had an extended maternity leave, not had to do the whole “mum” bit, and had tonnes of bonding time with DS.
I didn’t know what having a baby would be like & had no plans / ideas. BF worked out, we co-sleep, he’s a happy cheerful baby. I really love it...