Is parenting really that bad?

[doesparentingsuck]

NC for this but there seems to be a lot of threads lately about motherhood and regrets and how people love their kids but hate being a mother.

I appreciate that you are more likely to post negativity than express happiness especially on a forum - but I honestly just don't understand why people are that dissatisfied with being parents and then go on to have more children.

Is it really that bad, really? I'm asking too because Im worried about TTC and can't work out if this is going to be a love or hate for me.

Is it the circumstances around the situation (ie lack of money/time to oneself) perhaps that make people hate it as opposed to being a mother/father?

Or even if they had all the support and things you wanted is it still something so many people would hate?

I haven't RTFT so sorry if this has been said, but there's something weird going on on MN at the moment with loads of those 'I hate being a mother' threads not only being created, but also being dragged up from the archives and shoved back into Active. I'm not sure what the agenda might be but it seems to me that there is one. Almost certainly a misogynistic one.

I’ve found it harder as they have got older (which seems crazy I know) but it’s the constant demands and keeping up with everything from school my 3 are all in different schools right now and it’s a nightmare keeping on track of all 3 schools.

When I got pregnant with number 3 my eldest wasn’t in school. They were all good babies we had an amazing childminder and whilst I worked part time it was fairly easy compared to now. Trying to keep up with all the homework, uniforms, school fundraising and special days/requests from school, sports/music/brownies clubs to get to and ensure meals times around all these clubs it’s a nightmare. Birthday parties and play dates I find it all hard work and that doesn’t even include the housework, grocery shop and cooking that goes on daily.

I don’t have any family support or help. My family do not live close and wonder if I would find it easier if I had my sister and mum to lean on but I basically do it all by myself and often dream about my pre- children days.

What I didn't properly realise before I had them, is that your children are whole actual people from the minute they are born, who mature, sometimes fast, sometimes very gradually in front of your eyes. You can influence them in millions of ways, but they are separate from you and unique. Mine are big teens now, but I still find their development and my part in it, such as it is, endlessly fascinating in ways I wouldn't about anyone else's kids, and for me, it makes all the hard work worthwhile.

@doesparentingsuck

I'm not fussed about kids in general, don't massively enjoy other peoples kids but really like the older stages - I'm aware I'm sure some people will say 'you don't sound maternal' but I honestly don't think you have to be maternal before having kids to be a good parent that enjoys it.

I read another thread the other day and it seemed the people that accidentally t pregnant or were non maternal seemed to be the ones saying they ended up loving it.

So I disagree with posters saying if on the fence don't.

Until you're a mother I honestly don't think you know how you'd feel about the experience

I felt like there was a hole in my life, that I needed purpose. Now I joke that the hole wasn't big enough.

The first year of parenthood was traumatic for me. An awful birth experience, difficult childhood experiences resurfacing and unrealistic expectations of what life would be like.
I accessed therapy (NHS) and my baby started sleeping better (at around 18 months), and I got the hang of it. I've gone on to have another, they are both gorgeous and I have a permanent ache in my heart because I love them so much.

Parenting is about always giving more than you get, living in the moment as much as you can, fine tuning your values, accepting you can't control very much, and loving harder than you knew was possible.

Go for it if you want to, it's a leap of faith though and you can never go back! Good luck x

You are effectively signing the rest of your life away to them. It is relentless. I'm finding the teenage years torturous.

I've never found parenting difficult or awful. I'm lucky to have girls who are well behaved and have always slept well. The behaviour may change in their teens but so far so good.

I think the trick is to be realistic, understand that you won't have the same freedoms you did.

Like others though, their Dad is hands on and supportive and they will stay at their GPs for a few nights during school hols.

I was 35 when I had my first and I’m 37 now and about to have my second. Being a parent is both the hardest and most rewarding thing I’ve ever done. It’s relentless, infinitely tiring and at the moment the whole world revolves around my toddler DD, I’m knackered from being 8 months pregnant but she needs what she needs - attention all the time! We have emotional support but not practical as my mum is physically disabled and we have no other family support. I work full time and DH is self employed so home a lot which works well, I’ve started maternity leave now though.

I do long for a night out with my DH and DD’s going through sleep regression so that’s not fun but when I look at her I feel a sense of fulfilment and love unlike anything else I’ve ever done. She’s so funny and I love seeing her learn new things everyday. It’s so rewarding.

I would say it’s hard and relentless but I don’t regret it.

I was maternal before having my girls (now 7 and 5). I loved playing with nieces and nephews so always liked kids and it was never a question of having my own. By the time I did, I was happily married and financially stable, and still am.

My dd1 was not by the book at all…never slept, went in her pram, hated cat journeys. It’s been hard work getting through the baby years. I feel like I’m less laid back now… I’ve always had to have things in order and I put that aside when they were babies as you just have to go with the flow. Now they’re older I think I expect too much and that makes me a bad parent since I sometimes sweat the small stuff and become a shouty person who is not what I want to be. Mostly it’s about the constant tidying since they are very messy (as kids are) and I get tired of having to sort stuff all the time. It’s just them doing what kids do but it’s a balancing act between letting them be and teaching them for the future.

On the other hand I like doing kiddie stuff…soft play, adventures, craft, colouring so do actually like doing things with them. I love teaching them things and seeing what they’ve learnt and of course love the cuddles. My youngest wrote in her book yesterday morning that mummy was her favourite person and she loved me. The she drew a picture of us having cuddles. She later threatened to rub out the bit about her loving me if I told her off

The problem is I don’t have time …with work, trying to remember their school stuff, packed lunches, constant tidying plus lack of sleep (they’ve been waking me up in the night and I struggle to get back to sleep) which affects what I can do with them and how I react.

So I don’t always enjoy parenting but I don’t regret it one bit and am trying to be more laid back, less shouty and get some more time just to play so I can be a better parent for them.

If you do have kids do be prepared that they will take over your life…you’re on call 24/7 and until they’re older you will rarely have time to yourself. They can be annoying/cute/helpful/hard work in equal measures. It’s a full time job, doing all the stuff for them but also teaching them, imparting morals and helping with problems. You’ll pick up a whole new set of skills and push yourself to limits you didn’t know you had.

I absolutely love being a parent. I have two sons, 7 and nearly 2. They are the best thing I have ever done. I love spending all my time with them, from the fun stuff like days out to the mundane like cooking them tea (or being up at 7am on a Sunday watching Peppa pig). They are both lovely funny boys and there's no one I would rather spend time with. I have a hands on husband who is a great parent which helps, although we have no external help. I honestly don't regret it for a minute, mn makes me feel like the very odd exception at times but there must be others like me.

@QuimReaper

I haven't RTFT so sorry if this has been said, but there's something weird going on on MN at the moment with loads of those 'I hate being a mother' threads not only being created, but also being dragged up from the archives and shoved back into Active. I'm not sure what the agenda might be but it seems to me that there is one. Almost certainly a misogynistic one.

Surely it's misogynistic for women to be silenced about their experiences and have nowhere to talk about them. Having various platforms to discuss their experience and issues with other people who are feeling the same or hear the other side is progress.

@minipie - I don’t necessarily agree that you shouldn’t have children if you are on the fence - it purely depends on you and DH/DP as people, your financial, family and work circumstances etc. No one size fits all, as people have said.

We for example weren’t that bothered about having children and only decided do ttc when I lost my job (and DH could support us easily). Now, however, I have waking nightmares in which I didn’t lose my job so we didn’t have DS, who is, as every parent will know, the shining light of my life, for whom I would literally die in a heartbeat.

I have thought very carefully about children.

Imagined daily life at each stage; what would my daily life look like with a newborn? A six month old? A 1 year old? 3 years? Now 8 years...?

I found thinking like that really helped me arrive at a final decision.

(I would say that I'm not in love though. Perhaps being so madly in love with someone overrides rational decision making!)

It depends on you as an individual. Are you a glass full or half empty person? There are so mums here who constantly long to be who they were before they have kids and miss their old life style. Perhaps as i has my kids in my 20s I dont relate to that as I hadnt had a long stretch of adulthood childfree. You need to be able to sacrifice things for your kids. Not everyone is able to make sacrifices gladly. Just depends on your approach to life. Hate to say but when I read some of the posts of people who hate being a mum I feel that those posters are ungrateful. They can't see the blessings they have.

No local parents here, a full time full on job for us both and the horrific juggle. Kids are now 4 and 6 and so the truly bad lack of sleep days are behind us (which were hard) but it's the first thing, and I'm good at my job yada yada, that I feel I'm doing really well. That I was supposed to do.

I have low standards, no expectations. And a cleaner.

All three are essential IMO.

Having a lazy DH makes parenting very relentless, and I feel like DH is the most difficult child. He's very much a sulky teenager and even asking or telling him to do something rarely works. I just asked him to get DS some new PJs as he'd had a small wee accident and I'm breastfeeding the baby, he huffs mutters about weeing himself until about 7. I mean great for him, doesn't mean DS should lounge around in wee until age 7. Otherwise the kids are great, I do get worn out by them, but it's all on me, no support and they aren't the 7-7 sleeping types. I don't feel
like it's sacrifices it's just a new life stage.

I don't regret it, but I didn't fully appreciate what I was letting myself in for!
My son is VERY active and quite bright so it's been like taking on a border collie when you're used to owning cats!

I think it depends on which day you speak to parents tbh.
On my bad days I could happily put my toddler twins in the bin On other days they make me teary with happiness.

I would do it all again in a heartbeat though. They give my life such joy and purpose. I'm a lone parents as well, as DH buggered off when they were 15 months.

And like @helpmewiththisnew says, having a lazy partner makes things much more stressful. If he doesn't pull his weight before babies it will all be amplified afterwards! I'm so much more chilled out now my husband isn't here to enrage me!

I love being a mum. I love my little girl and spending time with her is my greatest joy in life. We're currently expecting our second. I am lucky to have a fulfilling career, a husband who more than pulls his weight, and lots of family support. I think it's a lot easier to love being a parent under those circumstances.

There are difficult parts. I find I'm always worried about something in the back of my mind. Am I doing enough, is she happy, what if xyz happens etc. I have a lot less time for myself, plans with friends require a more, well, planning. But most of my good friends are having children now, so that's less of an issue.

Echo hands on dh. Mine did more than 50/50. I love being a parent so far. Bits of it are a slog but they transformed the joy in my life.

And they make me laugh. Dd1 is the funniest person I have every met. Dd2 is a ball of love.

We'll see what the teen years bring.....

It's far harder than I imagined. At the end of the day you are trying to raise functioning adults & not fuck them up!

However it can be wonderful but I'm not sure Id cope without support, dh is great as are gps. Working gives me a break too.

@QuimReaper

I haven't RTFT so sorry if this has been said, but there's something weird going on on MN at the moment with loads of those 'I hate being a mother' threads not only being created, but also being dragged up from the archives and shoved back into Active. I'm not sure what the agenda might be but it seems to me that there is one. Almost certainly a misogynistic one.

I think people are probably googling "I hate being a mother" or similiar when they're stressed and end up finding the old posts. I've searched things like that when I'm feeling fed up.

I agree it can be really hard but it can be really good alot depends on your circumstances and support. I heard somewhere that having children overall don't make people happy but give us a sense of accomplishment and meaning in life. I think it's just a strong biological urge for most. If you looked at it on paper most wouldn't want to take the job but it's like something takes over your body to make you keep going and no matter how hard and ungrateful kids can be at times you absolutely love them and it's true there is no other love like it. It's something most people have inside them otherwise the human race would die out by now.

@QuimReaper

I haven't RTFT so sorry if this has been said, but there's something weird going on on MN at the moment with loads of those 'I hate being a mother' threads not only being created, but also being dragged up from the archives and shoved back into Active. I'm not sure what the agenda might be but it seems to me that there is one. Almost certainly a misogynistic one.

No, I really feel like this.

Obviously looking at other people's replies I'm thankfully in a minority.

But I am deadly serious when I say being a mother gives me no joy.

I loved parenting children until they got to about 15. We were always really close, I’ve never shouted at, hit or abused them. I worked my arse off to provide for them, and they literally don’t care about me at all. My children have treated me terribly from 15-21. I’ve just had to ride it out and keep quiet and wait for them to grow up a bit. It’s not been fun.