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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think she's BU about DSS clothes?

208 replies

Kitten1230 · 03/07/2021 20:28

I've name changed in case she's on here.

DSS is 15. He stays here from Friday afternoon until Monday before school EOW and more in the holidays. I usually wash uniform on the Friday so it's dry (although he does have shirts and trousers here so it wouldn't be a problem if it wasn't).

I then wash his clothes he's worn over the weekend on the Monday/tuesday and I put them away for him. If he's here in the holiday, he goes home in clean clothes and j still wash the clothes he's worn over the weekend.

His mum messaged and said that we shouldn't be ‘keeping’ his clothes as she has payed for them (although some clothes DP has payed for are at hers). When he's off school he wears whatever to go back home and it doesn't matter if we've payed for them.

Are we BU?

OP posts:
YoungestSpinster · 03/07/2021 20:34

YANBU but I have the same problem with my Ex, he sends DD home EOW in the clothes she wore to his. I know she wears different clothes with him as I've seen photos, but she never comes home in them. Seems a bit stupid to me, as long as they have clothes at both homes why does it matter who paid for them and which wardrobe they're in?

delilahbucket · 03/07/2021 20:37

Depends if the quality of purchased clothes is equal. Used to drive me mad when DS went to his dad's in brand new clothes and come home in tat that was either damaged or the wrong size, and his new clothes were never to be seen again after being sold. Mum is probably worried the same will happen. The problem was solved by him going up with the clothes he needs for each visit and then bringing them home.

OneEpisode · 03/07/2021 20:38

Op’s system seems very reasonable. I might make it DSS’s problem. His mum wants the clothes back, he can work the washing machine.

greenmacaron · 03/07/2021 20:40

YANBU but I wouldn’t waste too much energy on this. Send back a very polite message checking that you’re right in thinking she’d prefer you send him back with his dirty washing rather than wash and store it for him, and do whatever she prefers.

Poor lad, it’s got to be hard having at least one parent that’s petty about the other. Hopefully you and his dad can be the kind and more reasonable ones.

Bksjshsbbev2737 · 03/07/2021 20:42

If she wants clothes back that she’s sent him in then just wash them and send them back; unless I’ve misunderstood your arrangements then it’s only on the holidays that it happens as on weekends he goes to school in his uniform?
Until DSD became a teenager and made her own decisions it was an ongoing issue that she’d come to us in clothes that were too small or not weather appropriate and we’d lose an outfit each time she went home.
I also kind of get it that if his mum has chosen and bought things that she wants them at her house for him to wear although it I was her I just wouldn’t send him in anything I was bothered about

Bksjshsbbev2737 · 03/07/2021 20:44

@OneEpisode I’m not against a 15 year old doing their washing but not sure this is the way to start it by pulling him into a dispute between his mum and step mum/dad.

Wanttocry · 03/07/2021 20:44

So does she want him to take his weekend clothes to school with him on the Monday, so they end up at her house? And presumably take clothes to school on the Friday so he has weekend clothes at yours?
Sounds like a massive faff for him more than anything.

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 03/07/2021 20:45

My ex does this. I buy clothes and he keeps them and send them back in lesser quality/impractical/ill fitting clothes. He ends up with a wardrobe full of new, quality stuff and I end up with crap.

Just send him back in what she bought. Yabu imo.

PicaK · 03/07/2021 20:45

I don't understand. You have clothes at yours for the weekend that your DP pays for.
Your DSS doesn't need to pack clothes and bring them with him surely?
Suggest you both do a clothes audit and swop back items bought. Then no clothes need to move house.

girlmom21 · 03/07/2021 20:46

If she wants the clothes back she sent him in, send him home with them.

When I was young we used to go home in clothes that weren't as well-fitting etc as the clothes we'd been sent in, winter coats not handed back etc. In the end, my dad (primary caregiver) had to put his foot down and insist we always went home with everything we'd gone with.

I'm not saying this is the case with you as you sound like you do a great job with DSS, but I can understand it from his DM's perspective.

Wanttocry · 03/07/2021 20:47

@Wanttocry

So does she want him to take his weekend clothes to school with him on the Monday, so they end up at her house? And presumably take clothes to school on the Friday so he has weekend clothes at yours? Sounds like a massive faff for him more than anything.
Oh, no of course not. Ignore me. He would wear the clothes your DP has bought him to keep at your house I assume.
kowari · 03/07/2021 20:50

He's 15, he's old enough to choose if he'd like to leave them with you to put in with your washing, or if they are favourites he'd like to take home with him.

CatsArePeople · 03/07/2021 20:50

At 15 he should be capable to sort out his own clothes.

ColdTattyWaitingForSummer · 03/07/2021 20:51

I pay for all ds’s clothes. Ex pays no maintenance. Yes, I prefer clothes that ds takes to his dad’s to come home with him. Washed would be a bonus, especially if he’s there for longer than a weekend, but I usually get a bag of dirty washing.
I imagine it’s annoying for his mum if she’s eg looking for a certain top for an event, and finds it’s been left at yours. In your shoes, I’d make sure he has a few bits at yours, and return anything mum has bought. But, to be fair, that’s really down to his dad - not you - to deal with.

ThisMustBeMyDream · 03/07/2021 20:51

He's 15. I'm baffled. He should surely just be in charge of his own clothes? Mine was given money to buy his own stuff at that age. I had no idea what he had and where it was (mine or dads) as he just packed his own stuff, dressed himself, did his own washing etc etc.
Is that not normal?
To be fair, if I was one of those people who bought "designer" stuff, perhaps I'd feel more inclined to keep track on it. But me and my son just buy regular clothes at reasonable prices.

Original poster
Kitten1230 · 03/07/2021 20:52

When he's got school, he comes here from school in his uniform and goes to hers in his uniform after school on the Monday.

When it's the holidays, he goes back in different clean clothes (which fit and are good quality).

She said that we've got a lot of clothes that she's payed for and wants them back but I don't think this is fair on DSS as he goes to school on the Monday (unless its a holiday). The only thing he takes back with him are his trainers.

Not sure why she thinks this is a problem as we don't stop him going back to hers in clothes we've payed for!

OP posts:
3scape · 03/07/2021 20:54

It shouldn't matter. But I've usehad a lot of intense "where is my x" from my 15 year old only after extensive searching and complaining to realise it's at her dad's. It's my daughter's problem but in the moment it's a pita- maybe that's happening? Maybe ask the ss if something has happened?

kowari · 03/07/2021 20:56

His mother's perspective and some of the comments on here are valid, if the child was in primary school.

Clymene · 03/07/2021 20:56

She's being really petty but I think just okay by her silly rules. Buy him a set of clothes that he keeps only at your house and wears when he visits. Drop anything you didn't buy at her house.

If he comes to you in the holiday, make sure he changes back into her mothers before he leaves.

He's 15. He's old enough to realise his mum is playing games

lockdownalli · 03/07/2021 20:57

I think the problem is that if he is going to OPs house straight from school on Friday,. he probably doesn't want to be dragging a weekend bag with clothes on top of usual school bag/PE kit etc.

Then if she sends him back to his mum with unwashed clothes, he will have to take them to school again all day on Monday.

MouldyPotato · 03/07/2021 20:59

I'd understand if DSS was younger but at 15 they are his clothes to wear wherever he wants surely? But fine just do what she wants and stop doing the washing.

ElderMillennial · 03/07/2021 21:00

Maybe she wants him in the clothes she bought / paid for when he is at hers. Can you just send the clothes back with him?

MouldyPotato · 03/07/2021 21:01

Make sure your partner makes him change though. You don't want to get caught in such pettiness as a SP.

2021DNA · 03/07/2021 21:03

His mum is being unreasonable.

kowari · 03/07/2021 21:03

Has she said why she cares who bought the clothes as long as the amount of clothing at each house stays the same? At 15, I'd imagine the clothing is what the teen likes, so similar and comparable? It's different to a five year old where parental tastes come into it more, they could be in Boden at one house, Adidas at another.