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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think she's BU about DSS clothes?

208 replies

Kitten1230 · 03/07/2021 20:28

I've name changed in case she's on here.

DSS is 15. He stays here from Friday afternoon until Monday before school EOW and more in the holidays. I usually wash uniform on the Friday so it's dry (although he does have shirts and trousers here so it wouldn't be a problem if it wasn't).

I then wash his clothes he's worn over the weekend on the Monday/tuesday and I put them away for him. If he's here in the holiday, he goes home in clean clothes and j still wash the clothes he's worn over the weekend.

His mum messaged and said that we shouldn't be ‘keeping’ his clothes as she has payed for them (although some clothes DP has payed for are at hers). When he's off school he wears whatever to go back home and it doesn't matter if we've payed for them.

Are we BU?

OP posts:
kowari · 04/07/2021 11:56

The child is 15 and capable of taking on the mental load himself. I say this as a lone parent of a 15 year old.

Longestfewdaysupcoming · 04/07/2021 11:58

And I say what I say as a parent to now adult children whose father took fuck all to do with their clothes, was awkward when they asked for stuff back and whose step mother took the clothes I bought them for her own children and/or herself.

Beamur · 04/07/2021 12:02

Haven't RTFT
At 15 this really is for the kid to manage himself. I'd get his Dad to have a calm chat with him and say your Mum wants you to take the things she's bought you back to hers and not leave them here. Then either take him shopping or buy some extra clothes to have at yours.
Frankly I wouldn't make a fuss about it, but neither would I bust a gut to check or make sure that the clothes go back clean.
As long as he has enough decent clothes to wear at yours I'd let this one go. I'm guessing Mum has bought some things that have ended up at yours and because most of the contact is done with him in school uniform it's not going back for months, so possibly not fitting anymore, etc.

Shadedog · 04/07/2021 12:05

He’ll have to take his dirty clothes to school on Mondays, or during the holidays take dirty clothes back to his mums. Surely his mum can just tell him. My dcs only live in one house and I have 100% paid for everything they wear, either buying it directly or giving them money to buy their own and I can’t recognise all their stuff. I don’t think it should be the job of a SM to a 15yo to go through their dirty washing and sort it according to who bought it.

DavidTheDog · 04/07/2021 12:08

I'm not following this. He turns up on Friday in his uniform. He wears clothes from your house all weekend that then go in the wash. He leaves Monday morning in his (now clean) uniform.

  1. How are the clothes getting from her house to yours?

  2. Why not reply, "sure, when does he want to come and get them?"?

  3. Why isn't your husband dealing with this? (Not said in a snippy way, just asking).

kowari · 04/07/2021 12:08

@Longestfewdaysupcoming
I'm sorry you had to deal with that. I luckily haven't had to deal with anything in a decade due to domestic abuse and subsequent no contact. The posts from the OP do not suggest that this is the case here though. The dad paid for clothing for his house, the OP says the clothing is suitable. The clothing is not being stolen, just mixed between houses.

MrsTophamHat · 04/07/2021 12:10

I get both sides. Sometimes I buy nice new clothes and then they end up getting washed and staying at my kids' grandparents' houses if they get a bit dirty.

I'll be hunting high and low for a particular outfit that I liked and it'll be at their's. Meanwhile, they've sent the children back in spares so I end up with all the filler clothes.

At 15 though, i would have thought that he is choosing his own clothes so it would all be much of a muchness.

DavidTheDog · 04/07/2021 12:10

Also, I think you're a really lovely parent for doing all of the laundry as a matter of course.

EmeraldShamrock · 04/07/2021 12:13

(his dad doesn’t t give a toss about all the mental load in terms of clothes for his son*
Exactly.
OP said they give DSS money for clothes they don't buy his clothes, he might not spend it on clothes.
I'm not sure why you pack clean washing away when he visits 2 out of 14 days.

EmeraldShamrock · 04/07/2021 12:14

Also, I think you're a really lovely parent for doing all of the laundry as a matter of course. Hmm it's basic parenting.

kowari · 04/07/2021 12:30

I'm not sure why you pack clean washing away when he visits 2 out of 14 days.
The OP says the teen arrives and leaves their house in school uniform, so of course they would put his clothes away for next time.

Anyway, this is easily solved by letting the mother know that the teen is welcome to come and swap over clothes between houses.

Longestfewdaysupcoming · 04/07/2021 12:37

Which begs the question why the boy’s father hasn’t done just that.

Which makes me think the boy’s mum has a point.

kowari · 04/07/2021 12:42

It sounds like they didn't realise there was a problem, I'd expect that a 15 year old would just bring clothes and swap them on visits if he wanted to, or ask if he could come and swap them in between visits if he forgot and wanted a specific item.

fourminutestosavetheworld · 04/07/2021 13:02

"He’ll have to take his dirty clothes to school on Mondays, or during the holidays take dirty clothes back to his mums."

No he won't. He turns up with only the clothes he's wearing.

He turns up on friday wearing school uniform and wears the same uniform again on Monday morning.

In holidays, he turns up in an outfit. He then wears clothes provided by OP/his dad and goes home in any outfit he likes. From now on, he just needs to go home in whichever outfit he arrived in.

EmeraldShamrock · 04/07/2021 13:04

The OP says the teen arrives and leaves their house in school uniform, so of course they would put his clothes away for next time.
OP can you confirm if DSS brings a backpack with weekend clothes or just his uniform? It comes across as he is arriving with them returning without them?

tcjotm · 04/07/2021 13:11

This is for DSS to sort. As a 16 year old seeing one parent on weekends (of my choosing) I took the clothes I wanted and brought them home with me. I went straight to school on Monday with them. A bit of a faff but not horrendous.

Neither my parents nor my step mother had any input. If say I’d left my school blazer at my dad’s I would’ve had to deal with school and I would’ve had to trek 3 hours each way back to get it. Because I wasn’t a baby!

tcjotm · 04/07/2021 13:12

Meant to add, I was in uniform on the journeys.

DavidTheDog · 04/07/2021 13:34

Hmm it's basic parenting.

I'm sorry my comment caused such a reaction in you. It wasn't basic parenting I experienced at 15.

EmeraldShamrock · 04/07/2021 14:01

I'm sorry my comment caused such a reaction in you. It wasn't basic parenting I experienced at 15.
It was an emoji not a big reaction, it wasn't basic parenting for me either my DM had clinical depression she never recovered from PND.
I done my own washing, its still basic parenting.

Willyoujustbequiet · 04/07/2021 15:06

So she keeps sending him with clothes that you don't return? I think she has a point.

He's with her most of the time, she may be struggling financially as a lot of single mums do. Just send them home.

Original poster
Kitten1230 · 04/07/2021 18:28

@EmeraldShamrock

The OP says the teen arrives and leaves their house in school uniform, so of course they would put his clothes away for next time. OP can you confirm if DSS brings a backpack with weekend clothes or just his uniform? It comes across as he is arriving with them returning without them?
He just comes here on the Friday with his school bag with his trainers in, but no clothes. When it's the holidays he also doesn't bring any clothes.

The clothes are here because they've been washed, and he isnt here to take them home but it's always been like this. He does sometimes take clothes home in the holidays. IF he wants too but he is here for a week then so some of the clothes obviously get washed and dried in time but he doesn't always want to take them (and I don't put the clothes away when he's here in the holidays).

I've spoken to him today and he's said he doesn't want to take the clothes to school and he told me that his mum asked where a top was (not formal just a t-shirt) and he said he didn't know so she assumed its here which it isn't as he looked and he described it and me and DP can't remember seeing him wear it.

OP posts:
Lachimolala · 04/07/2021 19:31

Please don’t involve him in it, that’s not fair. She obviously wants the clothes she’s been buying back so just drop them round or invite her to collect them. He doesn’t need to take anything to school then, we always did this with my SD it worked perfectly.

RandomMess · 04/07/2021 19:34

I wonder how many other items DSS has mislaid??

kowari · 04/07/2021 19:37

Make sure she brings the clothes his dad paid for back if she wants to swap though.

Essentialironingwater · 04/07/2021 20:01

I don't care about this with my 13 year old. She leaves clothes at her dad's and brings stuff here. But he buys her loads of lovely stuff and pays a fair amount for maintenance! It sounds like there might be other issues at play here, or perhaps DSS is driving her up the wall hunting for clothes that have disappeared...if not yes it does sound petty.

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