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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think she's BU about DSS clothes?

208 replies

Kitten1230 · 03/07/2021 20:28

I've name changed in case she's on here.

DSS is 15. He stays here from Friday afternoon until Monday before school EOW and more in the holidays. I usually wash uniform on the Friday so it's dry (although he does have shirts and trousers here so it wouldn't be a problem if it wasn't).

I then wash his clothes he's worn over the weekend on the Monday/tuesday and I put them away for him. If he's here in the holiday, he goes home in clean clothes and j still wash the clothes he's worn over the weekend.

His mum messaged and said that we shouldn't be ‘keeping’ his clothes as she has payed for them (although some clothes DP has payed for are at hers). When he's off school he wears whatever to go back home and it doesn't matter if we've payed for them.

Are we BU?

OP posts:
Maggiesfarm · 03/07/2021 22:07

You are not unreasonable at all. What does it matter who paid for the clothes, they are his. It sounds as though his mother is making a mountain out of a molehill, however it might be wise to humour her, then she cannot criticise.

It's not easy being a step parent, you have to tread so gingerly. You are doing well by the sound of it.

saraclara · 03/07/2021 22:08

So they clothes sit at you house for 6 weeks not being used?

I missed that! So yep, he could have grown out of the damn things before he's worn them more than twice, the rate that teenagers grow!

Original poster
Kitten1230 · 03/07/2021 22:09

They don't sit here for 6 weeks unused, not sure where you got that from!

OP posts:
Freddiefox · 03/07/2021 22:10

@Kitten1230

We have no idea what we paid for and what she paid for as we give him money. So no idea how she knows!

I don't know why she thinks it's an issue

Of course she knows. How does it affect you sending them back?

You pay Maintenance, but keep the clothes at yours so how does that work

Freddiefox · 03/07/2021 22:11

@Kitten1230

They don't sit here for 6 weeks unused, not sure where you got that from!
You said he uses them in the holidays?
Original poster
Kitten1230 · 03/07/2021 22:12

He also comes here EOW so he wears the clothes then as we do go out. I didn't say he only wears the clothes in the holidays.

OP posts:
Longestfewdaysupcoming · 03/07/2021 22:14

So why can’t you just send back the stuff she has bought instead of keeping it?

And why is his dad not involved?

Freddiefox · 03/07/2021 22:14

@Kitten1230

He also comes here EOW so he wears the clothes then as we do go out. I didn't say he only wears the clothes in the holidays.
Ok, but you keep them for 6 weeks before she gets them back.. why?
Longestfewdaysupcoming · 03/07/2021 22:16

You are effectively paying maintenance with one hand and taking it back with another.

Oneandanotherone · 03/07/2021 22:17

But he should be wearing clothes his father has bought him on the weekends. Just send him back in the holidays in the clothes he comes to you in.

CallMeNutribullet · 03/07/2021 22:19

I really don't think it's unreasonable for her to want to see her DS wearing clothing she bought for him.

BlueSurfer · 03/07/2021 22:20

Unless the clothes are special or the returned ones are old etc, she is being petty. But so what? Just return him with his clothes and make sure he comes back to you with his clothes. There are battles that are worth arguing and ones that aren’t.

saraclara · 03/07/2021 22:20

@Oneandanotherone

But he should be wearing clothes his father has bought him on the weekends. Just send him back in the holidays in the clothes he comes to you in.
He's 15. He doesn't have to have his clothing restricted that way. He just needs to bring the clothes on Friday that he wants to wear for the weekend, and take them back with him on Monday.
RestingPandaFace · 03/07/2021 22:22

Send them back but at the same time anything his DF has paid for will have to come back to yours or you’ll end up buying it all again.

Bonkers but not worth arguing over.

chesirecat99 · 03/07/2021 22:22

You're both right. It doesn't matter who paid for the clothes, the DSS should be able to wear whatever he wants and take clothes between houses. On the other hand, the system doesn't really work. I'm guessing the DSS wears his current favourite hoodie/t-shirt/jeans whatever to yours, then spends the next 2 weeks complaining because he wants to wear it to go to the cinema with his mates or on a date but it's at yours or there is a mad panic because he needs his smart shirt for Granny's 70th birthday dinner and he's forgotten he left it at yours 6 months ago when he went to cousin Hilda's wedding.

Caramellatteplease · 03/07/2021 22:24

Yabvu

Send the clothes back. Bloody buying clothes for a child only to find the ex absconded with them. I'd end up with his tasteless usually too small tat.

DelphiniumBlue · 03/07/2021 22:25

He's 15? He'll wear what he wants. Maybe DH can tell her that DS dresses himself, and chooses what to put on. Is it not up to him where he keeps his clothes?

Oneandanotherone · 03/07/2021 22:26

@saraclara why can’t he just have clothes at both homes?

OursonGuimauve · 03/07/2021 22:28

Does he bring clothes with him for the weekend and then not bring any clothes back to his mums house?

ragged · 03/07/2021 22:28

Aware we haven't heard the other side

Your DH should sort this

In a different universe, I imagine ...

Telling her you'll send back as much as possible asap

Ask the DSS to choose 3 day-wear outfits to keep at yours & send the rest back to hers ; then revert to your system until next time she moans

Tophatorangebear · 03/07/2021 22:29

Why are you doing his washing or getting involved in this?! What's his DF doing? Seriously not your problem or issue - step back OP

TotorosCatBus · 03/07/2021 22:29

Your current system means that dss is spared having to take a weekend bag with clothes to school and mum doesn't have to wash his clothes. Has your h pointed this out to her?

I am assuming that dss is getting into a tizz when certain items are at yours or she wants to see him wearing the designer stuff that she's paid for which isn't unreasonable.

FawnFrenchieMum · 03/07/2021 22:31

Just send the clothes back she bought and buy a few sets of clothes to keep at yours? He only need clothes for two days a week. I’m not sure what the issue is really for you but from her perspective if he keeps bringing stuff and not taking much home she has to keep replacing it.

Angel2702 · 03/07/2021 22:32

Surely at 15 the clothes belong to him not the household so entirely up to him what he wears when and what he leaves where?

Summerfun54321 · 03/07/2021 22:33

He’s 15. He should be in charge of his own clothes, why is his mum even talking to you about this. She should be talking to him.