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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think she's BU about DSS clothes?

208 replies

Kitten1230 · 03/07/2021 20:28

I've name changed in case she's on here.

DSS is 15. He stays here from Friday afternoon until Monday before school EOW and more in the holidays. I usually wash uniform on the Friday so it's dry (although he does have shirts and trousers here so it wouldn't be a problem if it wasn't).

I then wash his clothes he's worn over the weekend on the Monday/tuesday and I put them away for him. If he's here in the holiday, he goes home in clean clothes and j still wash the clothes he's worn over the weekend.

His mum messaged and said that we shouldn't be ‘keeping’ his clothes as she has payed for them (although some clothes DP has payed for are at hers). When he's off school he wears whatever to go back home and it doesn't matter if we've payed for them.

Are we BU?

OP posts:
Hesma · 03/07/2021 21:11

I get where she’s coming from as had similar issues with exh. I buy quality stuff for kids, he buys cheap as only there at weekends. I don’t want him keeping all the good stuff and I end up with primark tat

Original poster
Kitten1230 · 03/07/2021 21:11

We have no idea what we paid for and what she paid for as we give him money. So no idea how she knows!

I don't know why she thinks it's an issue

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 03/07/2021 21:14

@Kitten1230

We have no idea what we paid for and what she paid for as we give him money. So no idea how she knows!

I don't know why she thinks it's an issue

Why don't you ask her which clothes she wants back then?

It doesn't matter if you disagree with her - it's easier to just keep the peace.

Theworldisquiethere · 03/07/2021 21:19

I ask ex to send our sons clothes from my house back with him, and I send any clothes from his house back to him too. The clothes he buys are very poor quality and far too big for DS so I don’t want them here and I don’t want to have to keep buying new clothes because they all get left at his house!

At 15 though your SS is old enough to be choosing which clothes he takes where and when and sorting it out himself

Oneandanotherone · 03/07/2021 21:23

If there’s 1 set going each way it shouldn’t really matter, but I personally don’t like the clothes my ex puts my DS (tight jeans and a shirt) where as I’m more of a joggers and T-shirt style for him Smile so it might be similar for her.

Rainbowqueeen · 03/07/2021 21:23

I would send the clothes back. This is not a battle I would want to have. There may be specific items she has bought for specific events and then can’t use because they are at your house. Eg formal events.

kowari · 03/07/2021 21:27

@Oneandanotherone Is your DS a teenager though? I don't choose what my 15 year old wears.

Longestfewdaysupcoming · 03/07/2021 21:30

Clothes was one of the biggest issues I ever had with my ex.

I used to buy all the clothes and they never came back.

If she’s bought him a special hoodie or whatever she’s entitled to the pleasure of seeing him in it.

Send the clothes back.

Oneandanotherone · 03/07/2021 21:31

Not quite a teenager but he has SPD so he’s very specific about what he will and won’t wear.

AnneElliott · 03/07/2021 21:35

Send the clothes back. But why isn't his dad sorting this?

saraclara · 03/07/2021 21:37

He's 15. He'll want to choose what he wears. I don't see how this can be managed without him having 'home clothes' and 'dad's house clothes'. Which might work for a five year old, but not a teenager.

I'd stop washing anything but his school uniform, and let him decide what he's taking back to his mum's. And if it's stuff he's been wearing, it'll be dirty.

WhoDidAndWhy · 03/07/2021 21:38

He’s 15 and he has his dad there. Why is his washing your problem? Because you’re the woman?

I’d send back his clothes and say that in future you will make sure he goes to her place with the clothes he brought with him (regardless of who paid for what) but some may be worn/dirty. Say if that doesn’t work for her after a trial, you are happy to go back to keeping the worn/dirty clothes and wash and send them back next time.

Honestly, it is not worth the argument. Especially when he’s 15 and can surely work these things out for himself.

Beautiful3 · 03/07/2021 21:43

I agree with her, sorry op. Just bag them up and send them back with him. Use your clothes for him to change into while he's at yours.

thebattleofschrutefarms · 03/07/2021 21:47

I'd send them back. It does seem a waste to have the clothes sitting unused between EOW. Maybe he's running out of outfits or complaining certain clothes aren't there. It must be annoying to buy things then not see them for two weeks.

Longestfewdaysupcoming · 03/07/2021 21:51

Dd got back a pair of jeans and a hoodie I bought for her in holister when she was 12 when she came home from uni a few weeks ago. She’s 18. They don’t fit.

I bought those when I had very little. Proportionately they cost me a fortune and I wanted the pleasure of seeing her in them. I saw them the day she wore them to her dads and I never saw them again.

She asked for them and never got them back. Don’t know where they’ve been. They were going to be her “good” outfit.

I might as well have burned over £100.

ShortBacknSides · 03/07/2021 21:52

Does his father also buy hisDS clothes and school uniform?

3Britnee · 03/07/2021 21:52

@Kitten1230

I've name changed in case she's on here.

DSS is 15. He stays here from Friday afternoon until Monday before school EOW and more in the holidays. I usually wash uniform on the Friday so it's dry (although he does have shirts and trousers here so it wouldn't be a problem if it wasn't).

I then wash his clothes he's worn over the weekend on the Monday/tuesday and I put them away for him. If he's here in the holiday, he goes home in clean clothes and j still wash the clothes he's worn over the weekend.

His mum messaged and said that we shouldn't be ‘keeping’ his clothes as she has payed for them (although some clothes DP has payed for are at hers). When he's off school he wears whatever to go back home and it doesn't matter if we've payed for them.

Are we BU?

Make it your husbands problem.
Sally872 · 03/07/2021 21:53

Sounds unreasonable, wonder what the reason is? Maybe she prefers the stuff she has bought and would rather see it worn?

Still not really worth the hassle but I would make sure clothes go back and dss can bring what he needs each week.

MatildaTheCat · 03/07/2021 21:57

They are surely his clothes to move around with him as he sees fit? Unless you are locking them away I suggest he takes charge of his wardrobe. His DM may have a point but the clothes belong to him,nobody else.

Lachimolala · 03/07/2021 22:01

Honestly I wouldn’t choose this as the hill I die on. She wants the clothes back just send them back and make sure to do so from now on, ask her to pass you back any of the clothes you and DP have paid for. You’ve no idea why she wants them back, it could be financial reasons or she could be being petty who cares? As an ex SM just send them back and have done with the issue before it escalates.

Longestfewdaysupcoming · 03/07/2021 22:01

Good luck with that if the clothes are being washed and disappeared into drawers.

It’s so hard when you’ve beggared yourself to treat your child and someone else takes it off them and you never ever get to see the child in them

If I had to go do again I’d keep the good stuff I bought at mine.

It was honestly awful. I used to really cry at the shit that came back or the bags of clothes that I sent in the summer and never saw again.

Literally might as well have burnt fivers.

Still upset me now (obviously!)

MouldyPotato · 03/07/2021 22:03

She asked for them and never got them back that's cruel. I don't know why people play games with the children's clothes.

saraclara · 03/07/2021 22:06

@Kitten1230

We have no idea what we paid for and what she paid for as we give him money. So no idea how she knows!

I don't know why she thinks it's an issue

Of course she knows what she bought and paid for. You might not know what he spent his Dad's money on, but she knows what she bought. It's bizarre that you think she doesn't. I don't buy things for my kids and then instantly forget what.
Freddiefox · 03/07/2021 22:06

@Kitten1230

When he's got school, he comes here from school in his uniform and goes to hers in his uniform after school on the Monday.

When it's the holidays, he goes back in different clean clothes (which fit and are good quality).

She said that we've got a lot of clothes that she's payed for and wants them back but I don't think this is fair on DSS as he goes to school on the Monday (unless its a holiday). The only thing he takes back with him are his trainers.

Not sure why she thinks this is a problem as we don't stop him going back to hers in clothes we've payed for!

So they clothes sit at you house for 6 weeks not being used?

Does the maintainer cover the cost of a 15 years old clothes? I doubt it

Ex keeps my dcs clothes, and it’s awful when he sends them back in crap clothes that they don’t want to wear.

Just send the clothes back.

Kanaloa · 03/07/2021 22:06

As he’s 15, surely she can tell him what to bring back and he can organise it himself? I think a lot of people act like teens are babies but he could easily take responsibility for this.