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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think she's BU about DSS clothes?

208 replies

Kitten1230 · 03/07/2021 20:28

I've name changed in case she's on here.

DSS is 15. He stays here from Friday afternoon until Monday before school EOW and more in the holidays. I usually wash uniform on the Friday so it's dry (although he does have shirts and trousers here so it wouldn't be a problem if it wasn't).

I then wash his clothes he's worn over the weekend on the Monday/tuesday and I put them away for him. If he's here in the holiday, he goes home in clean clothes and j still wash the clothes he's worn over the weekend.

His mum messaged and said that we shouldn't be ‘keeping’ his clothes as she has payed for them (although some clothes DP has payed for are at hers). When he's off school he wears whatever to go back home and it doesn't matter if we've payed for them.

Are we BU?

OP posts:
Original poster
Kitten1230 · 03/07/2021 22:34

@OursonGuimauve

Does he bring clothes with him for the weekend and then not bring any clothes back to his mums house?
No, he comes here in his school uniform and in holidays he comes in his normal clothes but he doesn't bring any clothes here apart from whatever he's wearing. He then goes home in whatever he chooses.

None of if is in bad quality or too small for him.

I do the washing as DP is mostly at work when I put a wash on.

We keep the clothes here as he wouldn't want to take the dirty clothes to school on the Monday and we don't expect him to. This has been like this since he was 11/12 and his mum has always been fine with it.

OP posts:
rantymcrantface66 · 03/07/2021 22:37

It's tricky, it's not something I like to make a fuss of but I buy nice quality clothes that my dc will like to wear. When they wear them to their dads for eow then leave them they can't access them for another 2 weeks then still might forget to bring them back. They frequently come home in I'll fitting clothes that I'd not buy and they'd not ask me for. I tend to do a sweep every now and then and return the clothes as they don't get worn at mine anyway but need to re buy a lot of favourite items.. again I just do it as last thing you want is to creat dispute and upset dc over something so trivial

saraclara · 03/07/2021 22:38

[quote Oneandanotherone]@saraclara why can’t he just have clothes at both homes?[/quote]
Imagine for a moment that your own clothes are split between two houses. And there's almost two weeks where you cant access the clothes at one of the houses.

How many times do you imagine you'll think "ooh, I'll wear that nice yellow dress/lace top/my blue pedal pushers to meet jane today"...followed by "FFS they're at the other house"

That's what his life would be like.

sunlight81 · 03/07/2021 22:40

Ours would come in uniform ina s Friday and go home in normal civvies on a Sunday.

I used to ask my DSD to not go home in certain items so she had something to wear next time eg the only pair of jeans she had left here as all the others had gone home and not come back.

Sometimes I would ask the ex to send back some clothes but to be honest it was easier to go to primark and pick up a load of clothes for a few quid every couple of months as she grew so bloody quickly!

Now DSD is older she manages her own clothes, I just wash whatever is in the basket and don't get involved!

girlmom21 · 03/07/2021 22:43

@saraclara slightly off topic but do people still wear pedal pushes?!

rantymcrantface66 · 03/07/2021 22:47

Imagine for a moment that your own clothes are split between two houses. And there's almost two weeks where you cant access the clothes at one of the houses.

This is what happens here. I buy the latest thing they love. They are excited and wear it to DF's then it's never seen again. I have to buy it again but it usually arrives too late for when they want to wear it. He does occasionally buy them clothes but nothing they'd choose. His partner buys things in their absence and misjudges sizes too.

saraclara · 03/07/2021 22:49

[quote girlmom21]@saraclara slightly off topic but do people still wear pedal pushes?! [/quote]
Ha! Showing my age there. Cropped jeans then? Grin

Oneandanotherone · 03/07/2021 22:53

@saraclara but that would only be the case if clothes were moving between households, what I’m suggesting is they stay at mum/dad’s house. You’d know exactly what clothes were where.

I would say the feeling of having your own belongings in each house is more important to a child.

Blankscreen · 03/07/2021 23:00

DSS mum was like this and it got progressively worse she started saying dss couldn't wear his trainers here because she had paid for them.

She didn't mind the special controller headset and coat that we had bought being taken to and used at her house....

By 15 it is their stuff and they get to decide what they wear he's not 5 FFS.

It's didn't end well for DSS mum as the fall out over the trainers was the final straw for DSS and he now lives with us

saraclara · 03/07/2021 23:04

[quote Oneandanotherone]@saraclara but that would only be the case if clothes were moving between households, what I’m suggesting is they stay at mum/dad’s house. You’d know exactly what clothes were where.

I would say the feeling of having your own belongings in each house is more important to a child.[/quote]
Again, if it was a young child, yes. But he's 15. He's going to be much more invested in what he wears and when. And unless he's going to have twice the number of clothes he would otherwise have (or two of everything) he's going to get frustrated that he doesn't have the exact clothes he wants when he wants them.

Much easier that he maybe has a very basic 'one of everything' wardrobe at his dad's, and actively chooses from his the clothes at his main home, what he wants to pack for each weekend that he has at the OP's

WEIFHWYOEIG · 03/07/2021 23:07

He is 15 ffs, he needs to sort his own clothes and his mum needs to talk to him

[off topic, but this is why man children exist imho]

treacletartpudding · 03/07/2021 23:08

Take the lad shopping for a few outfits. If he's coming to yours in uniform and leaving yours in uniform then surely it just makes sense that he has clothes that you buy, at your house?
She is nbu by asking for the clothes that she buys, to be at her house, so her son is able to wear them when he wants!

Micemakingclothes · 03/07/2021 23:10

If she wants the clothing back I would just ask her to come up with a system to mark them and ask her how she wants them returned. Maybe she could pick them up Monday evenings? Perhaps a sticker label on the inside of each item? Whatever she wants to do. Let her set the plan and do the work and just go along with it.

Nannyamc · 03/07/2021 23:11

This is a very common problem. My dgs comes for the weekend. Usually worn out clothes ill fitting and wrong size. Shoes too. As soon as he arrives all clothes are changed and washed to go home in. Have sent him back in good clothes never to be seen again. Its heart breaking. On very hot days he will have very warm tracksuits on never shorts.

RedMarauder · 03/07/2021 23:12

OP it is extremely common for one parent of separated parents to try to cause a dispute over their child's clothes.

As the child in question is over 13 the best response from your OH is to tell his ex as part of their child's onward development to independence their child is learning to launder clothes. So if the clothes aren't returned with him it's because they aren't dry when he returned to his mother and will be returned the next time.

Then your OH needs to ensure the child does some part of the laundry process everytime they are over. Even if it is just pressing the "on" button to start the washing machine.

Then all messages about clothes should be ignored.

The Family Courts aren't interested in this bullshit especially if the child is 15.

Freddiefox · 03/07/2021 23:12

@WEIFHWYOEIG

He is 15 ffs, he needs to sort his own clothes and his mum needs to talk to him

[off topic, but this is why man children exist imho]

You’ve no idea what the 15 year old wants. He might want the clothes to come home. Maybe it the op being controlling and stopping him rather than him being lazy.
Grainjar · 03/07/2021 23:13

I'd send the clothes back if she bought them and buy others. He can't lug a bag of clothes to school and back. If I'd gone to the trouble of finding the clothes he wanted, ensuring they fit, ordered them and paid, i'd be peed off if they were then stuck at ex's house forever.

gillysSong · 03/07/2021 23:17

I'd leave it to the other parent to sort, with his ex.

AppealingPeel · 03/07/2021 23:19

Tell her label the stuff she cares about and you'll send it back with him. It's just not worth the fight.

cupcakecourageous · 03/07/2021 23:29

As teens clothing becomes more expensive, this might become more noticeable. She may have bought him a few expensive branded items that she hasn't seen in a while , this would annoy me too tbh.

k1233 · 03/07/2021 23:30

I'm at a loss as to how any significant amount of clothes the mother has paid for have ended up at you place.

He arrives and leaves in his school uniform.

On holidays he would arrive in one set of clothes. Sounds like he doesn't pack anything as he has clothes at yours.

I'd send him home with the clothes he arrived for holidays in, but other than that there's nothing you can change.

I'm still grappling at how sufficient clothes she's paid for have ended up at yours for it now to be an issue.

Oneandanotherone · 03/07/2021 23:32

@cupcakecourageous

As teens clothing becomes more expensive, this might become more noticeable. She may have bought him a few expensive branded items that she hasn't seen in a while , this would annoy me too tbh.
Exactly something that could be worn twice a week could be getting worn twice a month.
Oneandanotherone · 03/07/2021 23:37

@k1233 I’m going to guess 2 outfits from Easter and 1 from half term, that’s half a weeks worth of clothing she’s bought missing.

RandomMess · 03/07/2021 23:44

I would ask her if there was some things in particular she wants DSS to take to hers as you leave it up to him what he wears and moves between houses.

She's possibly being petty but there could be more to it that you're not aware of. Could DSS have lost expensive stuff that he is lying about and saying is at yours?

ContessaVerde · 03/07/2021 23:45

There are so many threads on here about this.
In my view it’s not a worthwhile battle whatever age the child is.
Just be generous.

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