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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think she's BU about DSS clothes?

208 replies

Kitten1230 · 03/07/2021 20:28

I've name changed in case she's on here.

DSS is 15. He stays here from Friday afternoon until Monday before school EOW and more in the holidays. I usually wash uniform on the Friday so it's dry (although he does have shirts and trousers here so it wouldn't be a problem if it wasn't).

I then wash his clothes he's worn over the weekend on the Monday/tuesday and I put them away for him. If he's here in the holiday, he goes home in clean clothes and j still wash the clothes he's worn over the weekend.

His mum messaged and said that we shouldn't be ‘keeping’ his clothes as she has payed for them (although some clothes DP has payed for are at hers). When he's off school he wears whatever to go back home and it doesn't matter if we've payed for them.

Are we BU?

OP posts:
WEIFHWYOEIG · 03/07/2021 23:59

It can be frustrating to have particular expensive items of clothes stuck at another house, but when it happens with DSS 10 we ask him, please remember to bring xyz back from your mum's, and he does. So would have thought that would work with a 15 year old.

Although at 15 I would consider the clothes to be his rather than mattering to a parent in the same way as they did when you had to pick stuff out and dress him every morning (by that age I was mostly getting clothes with pocket money or for presents). I mean, in a few short years its prob all going to move out along with him...

But ultimately your DP should be dealing with this anyway.

Providora · 04/07/2021 00:08

I have a 15yo moving between 2 houses and completely agree that his clothes are his, and he can wear and take/leave what he likes.

The issue I see here is that you're waiting until DSS has left before you wash, effectively removing the option of him returning in whatever he wore to your place.

I'd suggest washing (or getting him to wash) that arrival outfit earlier, OR reminding him it's still in the basket if he'd like to take it back to mum's with him.

MoppaSprings · 04/07/2021 00:42

Could it be she has bought something that her son absolutely hates so he’s conveniently left it at yours and it’s somehow became your fault.

Longestfewdaysupcoming · 04/07/2021 06:33

Imagine you posted here that you were withholding say £20 a month (which could easily be the cost of 2 or 3 outfits for a big teen costed out over a year) from maintenance in order to buy clothes for him at your house coz that was his mums job

That’s how petty you’re being and what you’re doing to her.

Teens in a split hole won’t want the row so they won’t ask. Dd knew I was annoyed about the clothes, and she did ask, but not as often as I wanted her to. Because she didn’t know how on the breadline I was and she didn’t know the care and emotion I had invested in the clothes I had gone without to buy her.

(Her step mum took them and they were “lost” and only reappeared now when they won’t fit. It was a pattern of behaviour and dd (and I) know that it was deliberate to take something I’d bought and keep it from her, as well as something that mattered to DD. I’m not saying you’re like that at all)

Longestfewdaysupcoming · 04/07/2021 06:33

*home

kowari · 04/07/2021 06:40

Is she very controlling? I mean, if your DSS has chosen his own clothes with money he was given at your house, if he had done the same at her house then I don't see the problem with clothes moving between houses. However if she has chosen clothes for him in a particular style she prefers (even though he is 15!) then she may not like continually seeing him in clothes from your house he has chosen himself. If it could be about his favourites not making it home then I would just remind him to wear the same clothes home if he is likely to miss them.

I have experienced this, when DS was under five, I didn't like the style of the clothes my XMIL bought for him. They were new and fit him, I just preferred the ones I'd bought. At 15 though, I can imagine if he was staying with anyone other than me, and they bought him clothes, then they would be very similar to what he has here as he would be choosing them.

Longestfewdaysupcoming · 04/07/2021 06:45

Imagine

“I want you to keep that outfit we just bought good coz we are going to family Sunday lunch next month and I’ve traipsed 150 shops with you to get something suitable.” And in my head. And it’s designer and 4 x the price of what you usually buy.

Teen packs it to dads.

It disappears and you never see it again.

You wouldn’t be annoyed!?

Walkingwounded · 04/07/2021 06:53

I have a similar issue, with DD 15.

It grates, but She just takes her back with a pile of clothes during the holidays. That keeps STBX quiet and doesn’t disrupt the routine, so she doesn’t have to carry round clothes at school/have the head burden of working out whose clothes to wear, where….

It’s only for a short time, op. At 16 or 17, your DSS is not going to be taking instruction from his DM on clothes.

kowari · 04/07/2021 06:54

@Longestfewdaysupcoming
It was my understanding that the teen is not packing clothes, it's only the clothing he's wearing that would be exchanged for something else he wears home. My 15 year old would not wear one of his button up shirts (Hollister, off Ebay) unless the occasion required it, so it wouldn't happen. If he did wear it then it would be his responsibility to bring it home again.

Longestfewdaysupcoming · 04/07/2021 06:59

But the op is not letting him take the clothes home. It can’t be weekends that are an issue because she says he doesn’t bring a bag with him or take one to school at least (so does he bring clothes, leave them and not take them to school Monday?) but it’s stuff getting left over half terms and holidays.

By the time the clothes go back between half terms he won’t have had the wear out of them and he might have grown out of them.

kowari · 04/07/2021 07:02

He will be wearing the clothes on the weekends he is there, so they are being worn. He is wearing replacement clothes home after each holiday, ones he has bought himself with money given to him, there is no net loss.

Longestfewdaysupcoming · 04/07/2021 07:03

Why can’t his father provide clothes for him to wear when he’s there?

kowari · 04/07/2021 07:06

@Longestfewdaysupcoming

Why can’t his father provide clothes for him to wear when he’s there?
He has, the OP has said he was given money and chose clothes. Should a 15 year old have to remember to go home in the same outfit he arrived in in the holidays? Does the 15 year old actually care which clothes are where?
Longestfewdaysupcoming · 04/07/2021 07:06

And if his mum has bought clothes for him and he’s there every day except EOW then he will get far more wear out of the clothes she bought if they go back to her house.

I totally get where she’s coming from. I bought mostly primark standard coz I had no money and it ripped my knitting when the good stuff went to their dads and didn’t come back and I never got to see them in the stuff I bought.

Longestfewdaysupcoming · 04/07/2021 07:07

My kids cared. Their stepmum did the washing and used to disappear their stuff all the time.

fourminutestosavetheworld · 04/07/2021 07:09

I can't understand why this is an issue.

When he comes EOW, he comes on a Friday in his school uniform. He then wears the clothes you bought over the weekend, and returns to school on Monday morning in his uniform again - so no issues around clothes on those weekends surely?

When he comes in the holidays, he turns up in an outfit, wears your clothes for the duration of the visit, and goes home in a different outfit, so this is the only time there is an issue I think? So just notice what he arrives in and make sure he goes home in the same thing.

fourminutestosavetheworld · 04/07/2021 07:10

Or when he arrives remind him that he needs to go home in the same clothes.

VettiyaIruken · 04/07/2021 07:11

They're his clothes. Nobody else wears them (I assume) so there's no need for them to be kept with you. Maybe just 2 outfits that you specifically buy to keep in case they're unexpectedly needed. Send the rest back. Yes it's a pain for him on a Monday but he's 15. He'll cope. In fact, if anything is going to make her relax about it it'll be him moaning about lugging them around and him leaving the bag at school time after time.

This is just not worth a fight. It isn't. Just have him pack up his dirty clothes at the end of the weekend and take them back with him.

ElephantMoth · 04/07/2021 07:11

My Ex used to keep them because it saved him having to buy them for when they were at his, also happened with various toys that our son never got back.

kowari · 04/07/2021 07:18

And if his mum has bought clothes for him and he’s there every day except EOW then he will get far more wear out of the clothes she bought if they go back to her house.
If he keeps the clothes he has chosen with the money from his dad at that house, then he doesn't have the opportunity to get as much wear out of those clothes. He needs clothes there so he doesn't have to pack for weekends, so there will be some clothes not getting much wear regardless.

It does not sound like there is an issue here with clothing being old, poor quality or too small, he chose them himself.

My kids cared. Their stepmum did the washing and used to disappear their stuff all the time.
This isn't the case here, nothing is disappearing.

Longestfewdaysupcoming · 04/07/2021 07:19

It’s not just the money it saves it’s the headspace. How many hoodies trousers boxers socks t shirts do they need how many do they have that fit how many are only fit for round the house out with friends kicking football and how many are suitable for Sunday lunch with granny.

kowari · 04/07/2021 07:19

At secondary age, certainly at 15, I would say they are his clothes, not belonging to either household.

kowari · 04/07/2021 07:25

If the teen decides to wear his Sunday lunch shirt to his dad's for some reason then he should remember to wear it home.

Original poster
Kitten1230 · 04/07/2021 07:27

He might want the clothes to come home. Maybe it the op being controlling and stopping him rather than him being lazy.

I'm not being ‘controlling and stopping him’ that's a ridiculous thing to assume! He puts his clothes in the basket so I wash them. I then put them away but he knows this and never asks me not to (and he could if he thought I was ‘stopping him’.

OP posts:
TheWitchersWife · 04/07/2021 07:34

Surely if a uniform can be washed and dried between Friday and Monday so can his regular clothes?
Even if your DH or DSS have to get involved in the washing process.
I can see why if DSS has asked for an expensive outfit and his DM has bought and paid for it, seen it on him once and then never again.
If he wears it to yours during the school holidays and then school is back and he wears his uniform there and back EOW then it will be months till she has the item back in her own home IF DSS remembers to bring the item back.
I wouldn't want to spend £50 on a pair of jeans for my child to only enjoy them EOW when I'm not with them, then have them complaining that he wants them to wear for an event and we can't get them.
There is at least one thread a month from the DMs perspective about missing clothes and how annoying it is.
I don't think it's petty to want the clothes in her house tbh.