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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think she's BU about DSS clothes?

208 replies

Kitten1230 · 03/07/2021 20:28

I've name changed in case she's on here.

DSS is 15. He stays here from Friday afternoon until Monday before school EOW and more in the holidays. I usually wash uniform on the Friday so it's dry (although he does have shirts and trousers here so it wouldn't be a problem if it wasn't).

I then wash his clothes he's worn over the weekend on the Monday/tuesday and I put them away for him. If he's here in the holiday, he goes home in clean clothes and j still wash the clothes he's worn over the weekend.

His mum messaged and said that we shouldn't be ‘keeping’ his clothes as she has payed for them (although some clothes DP has payed for are at hers). When he's off school he wears whatever to go back home and it doesn't matter if we've payed for them.

Are we BU?

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 04/07/2021 07:37

If it’s not been an issue before now there’s obviously a specific item of clothing at yours that he needed or wanted, or that was expensive for her to buy, that’s currently at yours for 2 weeks.

Your system is useful for EOW in term time, but just have a sensible conversation about it involving DSS. He’s 15 not 5. They’re his clothes.

Nat6999 · 04/07/2021 07:43

I used to have the opposite problem, used to send ds with a bag of clothes for the weekend & exh used to make him wear clothes he had bought right down to underwear & sent him home in his school uniform on a Sunday night. Problem was he had no idea of what size clothes to buy (or exmil did) & ds spent all weekend in things 2 sizes too small including shoes, he had no concept that if he bought from Primark he needed to size up 2 sizes.

fourminutestosavetheworld · 04/07/2021 07:43

"In fact, if anything is going to make her relax about it it'll be him moaning about lugging them around and him leaving the bag at school time after time."

I don't think there is a bag. OP said he just turns up in the clothes he's wearing. From
now on, he just needs to go home in the same.

kowari · 04/07/2021 07:47

Your system is useful for EOW in term time, but just have a sensible conversation about it involving DSS. He’s 15 not 5. They’re his clothes.
Agree with this. Some points on this thread are certainly valid, for a younger child.

ittakes2 · 04/07/2021 07:51

My teens have favourite clothes maybe he wants them sooner. I think you can decrease your workload just send the clothes back unwashed.

ohisay · 04/07/2021 08:02

I wonder if he's been looking for a particular piece of clothing and realised he's left it at his dad's?
I'm certain he doesn't want to take a bag of clothes to school every other week though - can he not just pop back and pick his things up if he wants them?

therearenogoodusernamesleft · 04/07/2021 08:14

I used to have the opposite problem - DSS would turn up in clothes he'd grown out of or weren't weather appropriate (think shorts on a cold day), I'd cringe and buy him new clothes, which he would then wear back home...repeat and rinse.

kowari · 04/07/2021 08:16

It seems the solutions would be to wear arrival clothing on departure, to take 'mum's' clothing home but then he would have to bring 'dad's' clothing back also or he would run out of clothes there, or perhaps just repatriate clothing each holiday so it would only be one arrival and one departure set of clothing that would be in the wrong home at any one time. Technically, if his mum is not making sure he wears 'dad's' clothing back to dad's, then she is adding to the clothing exchange problem.

kowari · 04/07/2021 08:24

The mother must be doing the same as the OP, she must be keeping 'dad's' clothes at hers, the teen must not be wearing the same clothing back to dad's as he arrived in at mum's at the end of the previous holiday, or there would be no accumulation of wrongly homed clothing.

BreatheAndFocus · 04/07/2021 08:26

I don’t think she’s being unreasonable. Unless agreed otherwise, DSS should go back in the clothes he arrived in. I’d rather have clothes back unwashed than have them stay at my ex’s house.

When DSS arrives, he changes into ‘your’ clothes, spends all weekend in ‘your’ clothes, then puts ‘DM’s’ clothes back on to leave. If there are occasions where he can’t do that and has to leave in ‘your’ clothes and is unable to take ‘DM’s’ clothes with him then just swap the two sets back next time you collect him.

Sunshinedaisymeadowsxx · 04/07/2021 08:36

At 15 dss should be able to take whatever clothes he wants back and forth. I don’t get at 15 how it’s an issue. At 5 yes, but 15!!

Realistically there are probably clothes he wants to wear in drawers at yours when he is at his mums. Just send back what he/she wants to be sent back.

Then take DSS shopping for new clothes at yours . They will all then get muddled up but at least he will have some at yours

Sunshinedaisymeadowsxx · 04/07/2021 08:39

( this always comes from someone who was a step mum for the past 12 years…. We’ve always done 50/50 paid maintenance and bought clothes for him at ours….. from about 10/11 when he cared about brands and what we wore he’s taken whichever clothes he wants back and forth as he’s wanted X hoodie for going out with his friends etc)

MadeOfStarStuff · 04/07/2021 08:50

He’s 15, they’re all just his clothes regardless of who bought them. He’s not a little kid being sent from one home to another in badly fitting clothes. He’s a teenager who should be able to leave some clothes at both his homes if he wants to

EmeraldShamrock · 04/07/2021 09:24

This is a problem with many shared parents.
It's annoying for the parent who bought them.
My friends ex sends his child back in clothes she wore 2 years ago the good clothes gone.
Either have them dry or don't wash them.

EmeraldShamrock · 04/07/2021 09:37

He puts his clothes in the basket so I wash them. I then put them away but he knows this and never asks me not to (and he could if he thought I was ‘stopping him’
Stick it in a bag rather than put it away if he is only there EOW.
I agree with his DM.
You're very good doing washing his clothes just don't pack them away.
Teenagers clothes are expensive.

Original poster
Kitten1230 · 04/07/2021 09:41

@ohisay

I wonder if he's been looking for a particular piece of clothing and realised he's left it at his dad's? I'm certain he doesn't want to take a bag of clothes to school every other week though - can he not just pop back and pick his things up if he wants them?
Yes, he could come here and get a piece of clothing if he really wants to wear it.

I don't wash the clothes he's worn on that day as I usually wash most of his clothes all together on the monday.

OP posts:
TurquoiseDragon · 04/07/2021 10:57

OP, I don't see you're donig anything wrong. DSS can come and get whatever clothing he wants whenever, and as he's 15, he's responsible for his clothes.

But just to clarify, is the money you give him to buy clothes on top of whatever maintenance is given to Ex?

RandomMess · 04/07/2021 11:07

I would just reply in a way to smooth things out.

"Sorry I didn't realise this was an issue. DSS is welcome to come collect any clothing he wants whenever, is there anything in particular you would like bringing back? We have no idea which items we paid for and are happy for DSS to swap as he chooses."

MouldyPotato · 04/07/2021 11:16

Stop washing his clothes and just send them all back

SD1978 · 04/07/2021 11:29

So you don't actually know of you have a large pile of clothes that she's paid for, or not, but she's being unreasonable asking for them back if they are there, because your partner can't just ask his son what's in the cupboards and how much has come from your mums house? As others have said, losing all the ,nice, clothes, even accidentally, to the other house is bloody irritating, and ending up with white, or nothing back, is equally galling. Ding out how much is there before assuming she's being petty.

kowari · 04/07/2021 11:36

The only way there would be a large pile of clothes that mum paid for at dad's house would be if there was a large pile of clothes that dad paid for at mum's house. The teen is arriving and departing each house in one set of clothes. At 15, he is capable of just taking the clothes he wants from mum's to dad's and vice versa though, as long as he has clothes at both houses.

kowari · 04/07/2021 11:43

@RandomMess

I would just reply in a way to smooth things out.

"Sorry I didn't realise this was an issue. DSS is welcome to come collect any clothing he wants whenever, is there anything in particular you would like bringing back? We have no idea which items we paid for and are happy for DSS to swap as he chooses."

I'd text this.
EmeraldShamrock · 04/07/2021 11:46

It's not hard if you didn't pay for it send it back , teenagers don't get long from clothes and as there is 12 days between visits the clothing should be sent back.
If DS isn't responsible enough to remember his father needs too.
This issue is a huge bone of contention for separated parents, she shouldn't have to ask.
Let his dad deliver them asap.
Don't text "I didn't think it was an issue".

Longestfewdaysupcoming · 04/07/2021 11:50

I didn’t think there was an issue = his dad doesn’t t give a toss about all the mental load in terms of clothes for his son - all of what he needs and what he has and if it fits plus the buying of most of his stuff.

Dead easy to be free and relaxed about it all when the Biden isn’t yours.

RandomMess · 04/07/2021 11:56

I honestly wouldn't be surprised if DSS has lost/left stuff elsewhere so his Mum does think there is a huge pile at yours. Alternatively she could be financially struggling and DSS nagging for more clothes etc.

I would certainly be texting something conciliatory to ensure DSS is not playing you off against his Mum.

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