My child was rude to me!

[Ivymundane]

I woke up a bit annoyed this morning about an incident yesterday when my child said something to me that just doesn’t sit right.

A bit of background. I have two kids 11 and 7. Eldest is a very mature and very clever girl, always well behaved, always polite with good manners, never in trouble, she is just a genuinely nice person with a good heart and not a bad bone in her body. On Thursday I had to collect her from school as there was a covid case in her class. Her sister was allowed to remain at school as it’s one joint building but separated as she is in the younger years.

During all the lockdowns my eldest was affected but not too badly as she spoke to her friends online daily, played games with them, did FaceTime etc. My youngest is too young for that, and with the age gap my kids don’t play together so my youngest was affected a lot more with no other people to interact with her own age for a long period of time.

I said, “thank god (youngest name) can still go to school though” to my eldest and she said
“Why? So you don’t have to deal with her!?”

I felt like I’d been hit by a bus, I couldn’t even react as I was just so shocked! I never get to go anywhere or do anything as I have absolutely no childcare support at all, so I’m always home, I work from home, I’m always with my kids in the house, I’m always bloody here!!!! And my eldest said this to me (which was rude) in a very platonic tone, almost like she had no idea it was rude, and it was because I do absolutely bloody everything and I always put my kids first.!! It’s like being kicked in the teeth.

She seems to have no idea this was rude, it’s like she way saying it to me as a reaction to a question, rather than saying it as she thought it in her mind, if that makes sense.

I can’t believe my child thinks this, there is no way, so she just must of heard someone else say it, and she’s repeated it to me. Does that make sense?

She would never intentionally hurt someone, she is just a good kid.

Aibu in thinking a family member has said this with her in ear shot (maybe a few times) so she has repeated this without actually knowing what she is implying?

Why don’t you just talk to her? Tell her you felt a bit upset by her comment and ask her what she meant? You may find out that you sometimes come across to your children that they are a chore. Or she may come to realise that’s not how you see them? Or you may both change your perception a little bit.

It sounds like your view of your family life is not the same as hers

It’s possible she’s repeating from a family member, but 11-12 is when kids start trying out humour/sarcasm where they might sometimes get the tone wrong. I do think you’re taking it way too seriously though.

I’d have corrected her lightly (“no, because it’s important for to see friends at school and not have too much disruption to their education”) and left it at that.

I think you’re making a massive unnecessary drama from one throwaway comment, from a child you describe yourself as polite and well-behaved. I literally wouldn’t give it another moment of thought.

Seriously... that’s rude?

I don’t think all teenagers are automatically horrible (and I have four of them), but if you think that’s rude, the teenage years are going to be an absolute nightmare.

Maybe your oldest finds your youngest difficult to deal with herself?

More likely she is trying to sound caring and grown up by adopting that tone she has heard from other mums or on TV. She thinks this how grown ups talk to one another. As you said, she said it a normal tone of voice. Please have a cup of tea and a nice biscuit and please do not raise this with the poor girl or family members.

But I just can’t see how they would think that I think they are a chore, because I don’t. Like I said, I don’t have any family support or childcare support, my children are my social life at the moment so I take them everywhere, do everything (it’s the only fun I actually get, when I’m doing things with them, otherwise I would just be working or sitting by myself on the sofa)

Big drip feed but it sounds like something my 1950’s, I’m better than everyone, people don’t parent like how they used too, mother in law saying this!

I think you're over thinking this and would let it go.

OP, it's something she'll have heard from other adults around her, from the media, day after day. 'Parents are glad the schools are open so they don't have to deal with their children.' She won't even have taken on board what it means, or how it might insult you. Let it go.

Is the youngest hard work? You say a lot about how good your oldest is but don't really mention the younger one?

I ask because that is a comment my oldest would say about my youngest and it wouldn't be a reflection on me but entirely on the fact the youngest is difficult and we all need some time out from him sometimes.

I voted YANBU by accident! To me it sounds like an attempt at a smart comeback like ones you might see on TV.

I think you're completely over-reacting. You'd better gird your loins for the rapidly approaching teenage years because that sort of comment is going to become commonplace. I'm speaking as mother to a former mature, sweet, never in trouble etc etc girl. She's not morphed into a monster at 16 but there's opinions, sarcasm, disregard for anyone else's feelings (normal for teenagers). I think you've just had a taste.

Don't think that's rude. Sounds more likely she's repeating something she's heard.

I'd have answered it honestly with. "no, it would be easier for me if you were both home really-no school run. But she found online school really hard and missed her friends."

By acting defensively it could easily be read that there was some truth in what she said.

I think it's a throwaway comment. By your own post you say you don't get time away from the kids, unless they're at school. Maybe with all the school closures, and your youngest struggling with it that your eldest thought you would be happy to not have to "deal with her"? I skipped on dropping my son off to school after self isolation because then I didn't "have to deal with him" for 6 hours . It's really not a big deal .

She's 11! If this is the worst thing she has ever said you are getting off lightly. It was probably a "something to say" thing. Have a chat to see what she meant by all means, but saying you feel as though you've been hit by a bus is a very ott.

Blimey this is a massive, massive overreaction.

Maybe she meant in the sense of looking after her while trying to work?

Just let it go.

I think you might be worrying too much.

I said similar the other day 'I'm pleased nursery is still open'

Oldest is 12 and responded with 'why so you can sit on the sofa for the morning and don't have to run after him'

He said this as I never sit down as toddler son never stops from getting up to going to bed. Oldest knows he is a handful and he himself likes a break from toddler occasionally.

But the way it was said makes it sound like I love a day on the sofa regularly when in reality I would kill for an hour

This isn’t a big drama by the way, it’s coming across as a massive deal about my daughter but that’s not the issue, the issue is I feel a family member is not being very nice about me (which I couldn’t care less about) but within ear shot of my daughter, and I don’t think that’s acceptable at all.

I’m not going to talk to my daughter about it, she would be upset she upset me and then feel pushed into saying where she heard it and there’s just no need for me to do that to her, it’s not like someone’s in danger or anything so I will leave it, I just think things hurt more when they are said but are absolutely not true in anyway.

You sound like a massive drama queen and you were rude af to your daughter. Shes been affected as much as you dont think so, has been sent home and you have the audacity to say to her face thank god your sister gets to stay when you dont. Poor kid.

I would assume it was a sisterly dig at her younger sibling, and nothing to do with you.

But honestly, this wouldn't even register on my rudeness radar.

I think you are over reacting.

Kids say stuff. They may be annoyed and say something that, to us, holds a lot of weight. To them it's just a snippy comment.

Her teens years are, likely, to be a time she does this more.

It really doesn't matter how much time you are in the house, your kids will always says something that we don't like. Intentional or not.

The last year has been really hard on kids, school closing to her again probably put her in a bit of a mood.

She may have picked it up from the family member and just said it as something to say.

The 'I do everything and always puts them first' isn't really relevant. That doesn't guarantee your kids are never rude. Or they never say something that upsets you.

They are people too. Some times people act like dicks. Children are no different. They need to learn boundaries and how to resolve a situation after they hurt someone. These are the times they learn.

I would have just said 'don't be daft i meant it's good she is in school because xyz. Do you really think I don't want to deal with your sister?'

It could even be that she doesn't want to deal with her sister, so assumes you feel the same or projected it onto you. Again, not dealing with a younger siblings is normal.

You will soon have a full blown teenager deal with. My oldest wasn't too bad, but if you get this upset at that comment, from yesterday, the next 5 or 6 years are going to be difficult for you

I think it's a stretch to think it's come from a family member? I don't get your thinking here.

Maybe your daughter feels that way about her sibling hence the comment.

You have taken it very personally. Maybe it chimes with you deep down? For what it's worth it's not particularly healthy to dedicate your whole self to parenting. You are allowed your own interests and life.

What a monumental overreaction to an innocent question from an eleven year old girl.

Firstly, you point out she had no idea it was ‘rude’ (it wasn’t particularly, by the way), which suggests she was just asking a question.

Secondly, you appear to have applied some very adult subtext to it about it being a slight on your parenting.

She’s eleven.

You are going to need to grow a thicker skin within the next 12 months, or you are screwed!

I don't think this is rude at all, or humour/sarcasm

I think without realising it, many parents give their children the impression that they are an inconvenience. Lots of parents are shouty, or uninvolved, or spend more time saying 'no' to their children (or otherwise disciplining/controlling them) than anything else. Or they moan when school is cancelled because they have to change their plans/work. Or they feel like they do everything for their children, never get out, and sacrifice themselves to put the children first. Without knowing it, this suppressed resentment becomes plain to the children.

It's not something I would give a second thought to, other than to correct that impression she has.

The danger of making a big deal of this is that she will begin to self-censor, and only tell you things she thinks will be acceptable for you to hear. Please don't go down that road.

At this stage I'd say nothing, and if an opportunity arises to talk about how much you enjoy having the children around, or to show them that, then do that.

Getting a babysitter sometimes if you can afford one might help too.