My child was rude to me!

[Ivymundane]

I woke up a bit annoyed this morning about an incident yesterday when my child said something to me that just doesn’t sit right.

A bit of background. I have two kids 11 and 7. Eldest is a very mature and very clever girl, always well behaved, always polite with good manners, never in trouble, she is just a genuinely nice person with a good heart and not a bad bone in her body. On Thursday I had to collect her from school as there was a covid case in her class. Her sister was allowed to remain at school as it’s one joint building but separated as she is in the younger years.

During all the lockdowns my eldest was affected but not too badly as she spoke to her friends online daily, played games with them, did FaceTime etc. My youngest is too young for that, and with the age gap my kids don’t play together so my youngest was affected a lot more with no other people to interact with her own age for a long period of time.

I said, “thank god (youngest name) can still go to school though” to my eldest and she said
“Why? So you don’t have to deal with her!?”

I felt like I’d been hit by a bus, I couldn’t even react as I was just so shocked! I never get to go anywhere or do anything as I have absolutely no childcare support at all, so I’m always home, I work from home, I’m always with my kids in the house, I’m always bloody here!!!! And my eldest said this to me (which was rude) in a very platonic tone, almost like she had no idea it was rude, and it was because I do absolutely bloody everything and I always put my kids first.!! It’s like being kicked in the teeth.

She seems to have no idea this was rude, it’s like she way saying it to me as a reaction to a question, rather than saying it as she thought it in her mind, if that makes sense.

I can’t believe my child thinks this, there is no way, so she just must of heard someone else say it, and she’s repeated it to me. Does that make sense?

She would never intentionally hurt someone, she is just a good kid.

Aibu in thinking a family member has said this with her in ear shot (maybe a few times) so she has repeated this without actually knowing what she is implying?

I don't think that was rude. I would have laughed if one of mine had said it and treated it as a joke.

@Ivymundane

This isn’t a big drama by the way, it’s coming across as a massive deal about my daughter but that’s not the issue, the issue is I feel a family member is not being very nice about me (which I couldn’t care less about) but within ear shot of my daughter, and I don’t think that’s acceptable at all.

I’m not going to talk to my daughter about it, she would be upset she upset me and then feel pushed into saying where she heard it and there’s just no need for me to do that to her, it’s not like someone’s in danger or anything so I will leave it, I just think things hurt more when they are said but are absolutely not true in anyway.

Why dose she need to know it upset you? You can easily bring it up in conversation and ask what she meant by it without her knowing how much it’s upset you.

As for your 7yo, I don’t understand how she’s too young to interact with her friends online, face chats, zoom chats. My now 7yo (5 when all this started) regularly talked to her friends all the time through various devices. We arranged zooms with her classmates, set up chat groups on messenger and WhatsApp between the parents and let the DCs call each other and chat,, they would play games on messenger with each other. None of it needed much supervision, us parents would linger in the background, no different than if they were playing at home. Even my 3yo was able to catch up with her nursery friends on zoom. Eventually the kids were doing it with no input from the parents, my phone and iPad is regularly ringing with her friends wanting to chat, if we are busy I tell her friends not now, other times she will see that several of her friends are chatting in a group chat and ask me if she can she join them. It’s all done via mine and my DHs accounts so we know she is only talking to who she says she is. And even if you don’t want her online (which they are at school) then there are good old fashioned phone calls…. Even the most technologically adverse parents have been happy to let the kids chat to each other in grounds or one on one.

Her comment isn't rude.
I think you're unreasonable to assume that she's overheard it from a family member.
There's been 101 memes about parents being happy about school reopening or struggling with homeschool.
Most adults would have interpreted "thank god she's back at school" as you needing a break from her. That's not rude. Adults need time to do what they want and need to do in peace for short period - do you model making time for yourself the individual or does she only see you do things for the kids?
If this is the "rudest" thing you've heard your dd say then you've been unbelievably lucky. No at 11 year olds will have a "tougher" sense of humour with sarcasm etc

I'm surprised that 7yo don't interact online too but maybe it's a personality thing - mine were on FaceTime or playing games online at that age.

In fairness to op and her 7 yo, my dd showed zero interest in interacting online until she was almost 11. Crikey, thinking back that’s only 2 years and she’s almost unrecognisable. Steeeeep learning curve there... 😭

As for projecting your mils opinions onto those you imagined your dd expressed, this is not good or healthy. This really is something to address. I see myself doing this with my dd and then thinking what are you doing? For reference I’m really not well and disabled, had major surgeries over the past few years. Dd was so loving and caring for the first 2. Acted like she couldn’t have given a shit after the third.

I see some very rude and appalling behaviour from children but this isn’t an example of that. She was probably trying in a clumsy way to have a laugh with you and make herself feel more in a ‘grown up’ club alongside you. She’s also probably a bit thrown by being sent home. Don’t bring this up again- it’s hit a nerve with you for reasons that have nothing to do with her and risks damaging your relationship. Instead consider why you are so bothered about some adults around you and their silly opinions. You sound like you are doing an amazing job with your daughter.

Disgruntled Pelican: *It’s possible she’s repeating from a family member, but 11-12 is when kids start trying out humour/sarcasm where they might sometimes get the tone wrong. I do think you’re taking it way too seriously though.

I’d have corrected her lightly (“no, because it’s important for to see friends at school and not have too much disruption to their education”) and left it at that.*

Agree. If your dd is normally nice and polite, and assuming that she gets on reasonably well with both you and her sibling, I wouldn't be upset by it.

Unless there is a specific family member who is known for undermining you, I don't think it needs to be that. There is a bit of a cliche that teachers are 'babysitters' for parents: when one thinks about it, it's a bit insulting to both parents and teachers, but it's not usually meant that way. I have indeed come across an old saying that children have used for generations at the beginning of school holidays: 'Teacher's rest, mother's pest'. I don't think that you need to take it personally.

She was probably joking. It's the kind of things mine joke to me about. How they are at school and I can drink my coffee in peace

Gosh, if that's the rudest thing she's ever said, you've had an astonishingly easy ride re rudeness and should probably count your blessings on that front.

Do you mention ‘I don’t have any support’ a lot in front of her? You might not realise you’re doing this.