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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My child was rude to me!

210 replies

Ivymundane · 26/06/2021 08:09

I woke up a bit annoyed this morning about an incident yesterday when my child said something to me that just doesn’t sit right.

A bit of background. I have two kids 11 and 7. Eldest is a very mature and very clever girl, always well behaved, always polite with good manners, never in trouble, she is just a genuinely nice person with a good heart and not a bad bone in her body. On Thursday I had to collect her from school as there was a covid case in her class. Her sister was allowed to remain at school as it’s one joint building but separated as she is in the younger years.

During all the lockdowns my eldest was affected but not too badly as she spoke to her friends online daily, played games with them, did FaceTime etc. My youngest is too young for that, and with the age gap my kids don’t play together so my youngest was affected a lot more with no other people to interact with her own age for a long period of time.

I said, “thank god (youngest name) can still go to school though” to my eldest and she said
“Why? So you don’t have to deal with her!?”

I felt like I’d been hit by a bus, I couldn’t even react as I was just so shocked! I never get to go anywhere or do anything as I have absolutely no childcare support at all, so I’m always home, I work from home, I’m always with my kids in the house, I’m always bloody here!!!! And my eldest said this to me (which was rude) in a very platonic tone, almost like she had no idea it was rude, and it was because I do absolutely bloody everything and I always put my kids first.!! It’s like being kicked in the teeth.

She seems to have no idea this was rude, it’s like she way saying it to me as a reaction to a question, rather than saying it as she thought it in her mind, if that makes sense.

I can’t believe my child thinks this, there is no way, so she just must of heard someone else say it, and she’s repeated it to me. Does that make sense?

She would never intentionally hurt someone, she is just a good kid.

Aibu in thinking a family member has said this with her in ear shot (maybe a few times) so she has repeated this without actually knowing what she is implying?

OP posts:
knittingaddict · 26/06/2021 08:46

There also seems to be an element in your post of having unrealistic views of parenthood. You are absolutely allowed to get fed up and frustrated at dealing with school aged children being at home and having to home school. It doesn't make you a bad parent. There are no prizes for being a mummy martyr.

I loved my grandchildren completely, but having to look after one this week because the class bubble had burst was a tad annoying. I did breathe a small sigh of relief when they went home. I know my daughter will delighted when they go back on Monday. She's not a bad parent either.

NoSquirrels · 26/06/2021 08:46

the issue is I feel a family member is not being very nice about me (which I couldn’t care less about) but within ear shot of my daughter, and I don’t think that’s acceptable at all.

You’ve got no proof of this on one comment.

My DC of a similar age would say a similar thing about younger sibling too. I’d think nothing of it because well, it’s true! Thank goodness youngest can stay at school so I don’t have to deal with them!

You say yourself you work and do everything. Your eldest sees that. She saw you ‘dealing with’ aka looking after/playing with/supporting and engaging with her sister during lockdowns. She knows you have other stuff to get done too.

It’s a purely factual comment with no side to it.

It stings you because you’re insecure about it in some way. But you sound like a great mum (certainly much nicer than me!) so leave it alone. Dismiss it.

GlendaSugarbeanIsJudgingYou · 26/06/2021 08:46

You'll expire by the time she is 14 at this rate.

Even the most well-behaved, mannerly children are capable of a snippy comment now and then (although I wouldn't even class what she said as snippy). She's human.

You really need to learn not to take things so personally.

pinkgin85 · 26/06/2021 08:47

Oh goodness I would love to have that as a "rude problem"...try saying "stop saying poo" a hundred times a day to a naughty 5 year old 😫

I think YABU

Menora · 26/06/2021 08:47

I have 2 older teenage daughters and really, you need to brace yourself 😂

I have had to grow a very thick skin because when they are angry or frustrated (with me or anything really) they can come out with some real burns

A few nights ago they were having some row directly about their sibling rivalry and jealousy and picking over their worst traits of each other, I am always sad when they do this but I would rather they got it off their chests than hold it in. I did raise them to me honest after all - sometimes painfully 😂

Oysterbabe · 26/06/2021 08:47

I find it mind blowing that this utterly harmless comment would bother you so much you'd post about it. I think you dislike this family member being around your children and it's caused an irrational response.

AllyBama · 26/06/2021 08:48

Massive over reaction to a throwaway comment. She’s 11. And you’re really over thinking this about how it must have come from a family member that she’s overheard. Just acknowledge your reaction and move on.

AlternativePerspective · 26/06/2021 08:51

I wonder whether you’re so upset by it because it contains an element of truth.

You’ve said yourself that your younger DD has struggled a lot during lockdown and that you’ve had to support her a lot more than the older one. That does imply that she’s somewhat hard work, that’s not wrong, some kids are.

Your older DD sees this, you say yourself they don’t really have a relationship, so all your older DD sees is your younger one being hard work and you having to deal with it.

Be honest, you were glad she was still in school because that meant that you wouldn’t have to deal with the upset it would cause.

It’s ok to feel like that btw, and your daughter wasn’t rude in the slightest.

Aprilx · 26/06/2021 08:52

I would have to put that down as one of the biggest over reactions I have ever read on mumsnet. She wasn’t rude, she made a semi-amusing comment, the type of which I have heard thousands of times (in life generally). Drop it.

Longestfewdaysupcoming · 26/06/2021 08:53

You’d have a fit of the vapours at what dd said to me last night.

She told me last night she knew the dog was my favourite child and I agreed with her that he is my best boy.

Gullible2021 · 26/06/2021 08:54

@Drivingmeupthewall

What a monumental overreaction to an innocent question from an eleven year old girl.

Firstly, you point out she had no idea it was ‘rude’ (it wasn’t particularly, by the way), which suggests she was just asking a question.

Secondly, you appear to have applied some very adult subtext to it about it being a slight on your parenting.

She’s eleven.

Absolutely this.

She wasn't rude. She sounds angelic!

couchparsnip · 26/06/2021 08:55

Nothing to worry about.
She's 11 so is trying to sound grown up and probably repeating something she heard at school.
I would look at your own reaction because she is on the verge of puberty and may say worse things as the hormones kick in. You can't be taking everything to heart like this. You can call out real rudeness but if you take throwaway comments that mean nothing so personally you'll have a hard time.

RoseMartha · 26/06/2021 08:55

I think you overreacted a bit. (But I have very difficult teens). I get it hurt your feelings. I would have just replied with a simple comment.

You could say. I dont think she or you both are a chore. I was thinking of you both missing out on school.

You can still bring the incident up with your child when you are both calm and just explain why you thought it was inappropriate etc.

oreosfortea · 26/06/2021 08:55

But you're the one who said thank god she could still go to school!!!!

If you think this is rude I'm staggered you've come this far in life without breaking down!

Ambo21 · 26/06/2021 08:56

I also think this is a massive over reaction. But obviously it has struck a chord with you and you are worrying about it.
So TALK to your 11 year old... be honest with her about how her comment made you feel and listen to what she says. This is a life lesson opportunity for BOTH of you.
Because if you can't calmly discuss the nitty gritty and nuances now.. the next few years are going to be a helluva shock to your system.
Good Luck.

ForkedIt · 26/06/2021 08:57

I’d have said ‘yes’ and meant it. Because you WOULD have to deal with the younger one if she was home and if she’s at school, you don’t have to.

DeadButDelicious · 26/06/2021 08:57

I don't think she was being rude. I think she made a throwaway comment that you have taken way to seriously.

Disclaimer: I don't have any teenagers yet BUT I do remember being one and you are going to have to grow a thicker skin if that is what you class as being rude.

NoSquirrels · 26/06/2021 08:57

@Longestfewdaysupcoming

You’d have a fit of the vapours at what dd said to me last night.

She told me last night she knew the dog was my favourite child and I agreed with her that he is my best boy.

Regularly tell my (lives, adored, fabulous, funny, light of my lives, holder of my heart) DC that yes, I prefer the dog. Grin
thisplaceisweird · 26/06/2021 08:58

As another mum of a very mature intelligent child I'd say she is testing boundaries and making adult jokes or comments. Mine has learnt the hard way about this by going too far with a group of adults by making what she thought was a funny adult joke, but it just ended up being a bit rude.

Just explain to her why what comment wasn't appropriate and help her navigate this new slightly more grown up phase of her life. At 11 you're just coming out of being a child, help her to understand it

BlueberryMill · 26/06/2021 08:58

I don't see the issue. Seems a huge overreaction poor girl.

Longestfewdaysupcoming · 26/06/2021 08:59

@NoSquirrels 😁. (I do think my DC are wonderful but i also recognise their flaws. They’re not perfect and setting up a child to be the perfect one is a very bad idea.)

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 26/06/2021 09:00

Oh wow, think you might find the up coming years a bit hard if you think that's rude!

Menora · 26/06/2021 09:00

Mine are always saying the same about the dog or each other, the blasphemy in my house is unreal and most requests are met with FOR GODS SAKE as if I have just asked them to walk across hot coals again not take the bin out. I had an operation and they both had to look after me, sometimes terrifying to be left in the hands of 2 angry teenagers 😂

Longestfewdaysupcoming · 26/06/2021 09:00

I don’t even think the comment was inappropriate. It’s exactly how I’d have taken a “thank god she’s at school” comment too.

justanotherneighinparadise · 26/06/2021 09:02

I’m sorry but I had to laugh. I deal with my kids being outrageously rude to me most days (perfectly behaved at school say yesterday’s reports 🙄) and this comment wouldn’t even register as mildly rude.

My advice to you is let her be a teenager. Don’t have expectations that she will remain perfectly behaved. That’s too much responsibility and could spin out into eating disorders or self harm.